Tuesday, April 23, 2013
So one of the challenges for the BLC#18 is to put up a visual motivational collage. Now Spark also suggests you do this but I never did. I didn't want to bother, didn't want to clip pictures of thin girls that just make me feel worse about myself and just make me look at those girls with disgust for something I can't see myself at the moment ever seeing for myself.
Well I got brave finally and did it! My inspiration is from embarrassment of what happened to me a couple years ago, was at an amusement park I grew up going to and OMG I couldn't fit in the rides!!!!! All the roller coasters that I loved riding I couldn't go on anymore. That should of been a wake up call, should of been a motivator but it wasn't until now. I just told myself "well you really don't go to amusement parks and they are only open a few months out of the year so you won't have to do this again." But now i live in Kissimmee, Fl where Disney, Sea World, and Universal are only 30 minutes away and Busch Gardens is an hour away.....and they are open year round! Another thing that should of been a wake up call was last year when I had to fly up for my Grandfather's funeral, I couldn't fully fasten the seat belt. Also my stomach was/is so big that the tray rested on it! THE HORROR!!!!!!
So in my collage you will see loads of roller coasters, roller coasters I want to ride! Then there are pictures of airplane seats to remind me of why I am avoiding going on a plane. Quite literally I am truly avoiding flying because of the embarrassment of not hearing that click of the seat belt. If I can't drive there then I'm not going, was invited to go to Las Vegas for Thanksgiving and I didn't go simply because I would have to fly. Last but not least there are motivational quotes and pictures about never giving up and what exactly is a pound of fat and what 5 pounds of fat looks like compared to 5 pounds of muscle. It is truly EYE OPENING!
So I have to place this collage somewhere where I will see it, I posted here in this blog, its in my pictures and I am thinking about replacing my desktop picture with it. It needs to be changed because it is a picture of snow, I miss snow, and I just hadn't gotten around to it yet. So every time I am on my computer I will see this new collage.
Sunday, April 21, 2013
Started at 327
Last weigh in 317.2
Today weigh in 315
Wow, 2.2 lb loss and with zero exercising! Well except for taking my dog, Hally, out on her potty walks. I'm beginning to think this new way of eating is to credit on this. I am going flexitarian or part-time vegetarian. I love meat, especially steak, so I cannot give it up. What I am doing is eating very little meat, if I am eating it at all. The sum of my meat consumption this week was at lunch with deli roasted turkey sandwiches and that is all. Learning how to make veggies the main course rather than the side dish has been challenging, but not impossible. What I've been doing is buying what is on sale and then looking up a recipe for it. Not the greatest method, but it helps until making meals out of veggies comes second nature to me like it does with meat.
I have also gone all natural, meaning no preservatives, no artificial ingredients and no GMO's. I don't know about you but I just don't trust the people who created agent orange to be supplying me my food. If I really wanted to be an experiment I would just move to Love Canal up in Niagara Falls, NY. Now I haven't been able to go completely clean yet, it didn't dawn on me this week when I bought popcorn kernals that I should wait until I can get organic ones since popcorn is corn and almost all corn products in US is a GMO crop, the same is to be said for soy as well. Oh well, it is a process to flush all this garbage out of my food. But what does this all mean? Literally the majority of food at the grocery store in the aisles are off limits to me! If is see the words, canola, corn, soy in the ingredient list and no where is there a USDA Organic stamp, it gets put back because it is a GMO item. Not to mention any packaged item with artificial preservatives and ingredients gets put back too. Food should be that, FOOD! Not chemicals that we really aren't meant to put in our bodies.
Oh, but I did buy some coconut oil. You can use it just like butter or any other oil out there and it's actually better for you. According to researchers and Dr. Oz the human body doesn't hold all of it like it does other saturated fats and it flushes out about 40% of the amount you consume. Also it boosts your metabolism, so why not use it if its more beneficial to me? It's not that expensive either, about the same price as a bottle of olive oil, depending on whether you but organic or not.
So what was the failure you ask? Well I didn't exercise at all this week. Tried going to the gym and just couldn't figure out the elliptical machine. Asked the guy at the front desk of the club house and he even had trouble figuring out "it must be a science" he said. I was on it for 3 minutes trying to figure out how to change the setting, and OMG my thighs!!!!! My poor thighs! They hurt so much on that machine. WAKE UP CALL! You my dear body are out of shape!!!!! And I have not been back to the gym. I don't know what it is. Lack of motivation? Being lazy? Not wanting to put on socks and sneakers because I live in flip flops and hate it when my feet are confined? The walk to the clubhouse, which isn't even that far considering I walk Hally almost to it every day. My self consciousness? The chance others might be there? Being watched? It's something, part of me feels that if I had my own machine in the privacy of my own home I would more likely be hopping on it and using it. And then another part of me is just saying that its all excuses, I lack motivation and am just too lazy.
Now onto the good news. I have done it! Finally! Last night I signed up for a 5k virtual walking race and set up my fitness tracker. Every other day I will be doing strength training. Today I am supposed to be doing upper body, need to get to that, Tuesday is core, and Thursday is lower body. Which leaves Mon, Wed, Fri for cardio or my 5k Walking training program. Now I know I can do this, literally I know this. If I can walk Disney, Universal, Sea World and Busch Gardens I can walk a 5k. Just hoping I don't slack it off again like I did with the last one I signed up for and never completed.
Here's a question, does anyone else dislike the new fitness tracker? OMG I HATE IT!!!! I like in the old one you can set up your exercises and then check them off once you've done them. I like seeing them because there is no way I am gong to remember them all or how to do them correctly. Just wish I could add a link to stretching videos I am going to use for afterwords. I checked, Spark doesn't have the option like it does for the other exercise videos. Why not Sparkpeople? What gives?
Sorry if this seems a bit jumbled, I have so many thoughts and things I want to say and really am not very good at putting it all together, especially in a blog.
Monday, April 08, 2013
Ok I have seen other people doing this and well it seems like a good idea. I'm going to try to do a daily blog about this journey of weight loss. I have failed so many times before, and even if I fail again I am hoping that looking back at these blogs will give me the self motivation to get back on and not shove everything under the rug.
TO SENSA OR NOT?
So about a few months ago my Mom bought Sensa to try out but after discovering the hidden charge and that you have to take pills, one pill lowering cortisol, she deemed it was unsafe for her and put it away in the pantry. (Unsafe because she was diagnosed with a rare disease, Cushing's, and the final treatment for it was the removal of her adrenal glands. So now she is on steroids to replace everything the adrenal glands provide for the human body, including cortisol.)
Anywho when I was just a few pounds away from my mother's heaviest weight (ie from Cushing's) of 330 I felt drastic measures needed to be taken. Now I am not a person who believes all the hype of weight loss pills or shakes, in fact I usually roll my eyes and make fun of those commercials but I felt so desperate that I started using Mom's Sensa, with permission of course.
Around that same time we also have stopped going out to eat, I got approved for food stamps and have started my goal of eating all natural foods and attempting to go flexitarian.
I have lost weight, so is it from the change in my diet or the Sensa? Now I have been taking the pills everyday, 3 of them are vitamins and minerals and the 4th one being a thermogenic supplement that lowers cortisol, but I keep on forgetting on using that sprinkle stuff you see in the commercials. Probably that gets used 3-4 times out of 10.
Today will be the first day I will not be using Sensa, I want to find out what has been the cause of this weight loss. Also I got in to see a Dr at my county's health dept clinic and asking about my chances to development Cushing's since Mom had it, she decided to test me for it. I had to make an appt for the lab and the closest one I could get was May 13. I'm concerned that what if I do have Cushing's and that one pill masks it because it may be lowering my cortisol level? Well that's not good and I don't need that. It would be nice if someone could explain my weight, but I really truly hope it's not Cushing's. Its a rare disease on the rise and there are only a few places in the US that specialize in its treatment, and I am NOT in one of them. (I will have to write a blog on Cushing's later on.)
Also I have not been exercising at all, well besides the times I take my furbaby Hally out for her potty walks since we have no yard. We live in a HOA subdiversion that is all too common for central Florida where no one has ever heard of having a yard to play in or let dogs run around in, it sucks. I miss having a back yard! There is a community club house with a 'pool' and movie theater and make shift gym and I have really never been to except for taking my nephew to the pool. My plan today is to try to get there and start using the elliptical machine, I am just so self conscious and fear the mockery that part of me knows won't happen but the other part of me is hearing already in my head.
So I am going to try to brave the gym, the pool I will have to make that into a 'weight loss' goal. I don't like how I look in my bathing suit, and it is a little small on me and don't want to go out in public with it. And in all honesty the public pool really isn't a pool in my eyes, its only 5 feet deep at its deepest depths and not all that big, well not for swimming laps or anything like that. And it is nowhere near the size of the pool I had in my house I grew up in, back up in Massachusetts where there are no such things as subdivisions! But I guess the community pool is better than the bath tub pools the houses have down here.
Sighs I really miss my 40x20 foot 10-12 foot deep swimming pool.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Years ago I said to myself that if I ever got so heavy that I weighed 300+lbs then I should just kill myself. I have been fighting and dealing with depression on my own for probably about over 20 years now and can recall trying to kill myself semi-annually since I was 7 and stopped when I was about 20. I would like to say that I stopped because I realized it wasn't solving anything but the truth is I just saw myself as weak, a coward and lacking the strength to actually go through with it.
Well I am now over 300 and I can picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger, the only thing stopping me is the fear that no one will take care of my dog (my four legged child). I am actually pounds away from my Mother's heaviest weight which was 330 and its killing me on the inside. The only difference between my Mother and I is that my Mom had a rare disease called Cushing's which caused her weight.
All this is weighing on my mind and I feel like I am falling through a downward spiral. Through some self discovery I realized I have been a self injurer since high school and instead of cutting I used food. A couple years ago I took food out of my coping mechanism and started cutting; I found a way to cut with out it hurting. I have been fighting the urge to cut for months now, I just might give in soon.
I wish I had a job, I wish I had health insurance, I wish I could get help from mental health professionals but I don't know where to go. I have no job, no money, no insurance. I am going back to high school. When I look at myself or think of my body the image of me holding a knife and just stabbing my stomach over and over and over again is constantly playing in my head.
I don't know if I should make this public, it scares me, scares me what people might think. I am not writing this for a pity party, I think maybe I just need to rant, just need to type my feelings out. I want to cry. I want to slice, I want to see the blood dripping down my arms. I feel numb inside, it feels like there's a pit of emptiness inside of me and I'm just falling in.
I just feel like I will never lose this weight....
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