Monday, April 08, 2013
Ok I have seen other people doing this and well it seems like a good idea. I'm going to try to do a daily blog about this journey of weight loss. I have failed so many times before, and even if I fail again I am hoping that looking back at these blogs will give me the self motivation to get back on and not shove everything under the rug.
TO SENSA OR NOT?
So about a few months ago my Mom bought Sensa to try out but after discovering the hidden charge and that you have to take pills, one pill lowering cortisol, she deemed it was unsafe for her and put it away in the pantry. (Unsafe because she was diagnosed with a rare disease, Cushing's, and the final treatment for it was the removal of her adrenal glands. So now she is on steroids to replace everything the adrenal glands provide for the human body, including cortisol.)
Anywho when I was just a few pounds away from my mother's heaviest weight (ie from Cushing's) of 330 I felt drastic measures needed to be taken. Now I am not a person who believes all the hype of weight loss pills or shakes, in fact I usually roll my eyes and make fun of those commercials but I felt so desperate that I started using Mom's Sensa, with permission of course.
Around that same time we also have stopped going out to eat, I got approved for food stamps and have started my goal of eating all natural foods and attempting to go flexitarian.
I have lost weight, so is it from the change in my diet or the Sensa? Now I have been taking the pills everyday, 3 of them are vitamins and minerals and the 4th one being a thermogenic supplement that lowers cortisol, but I keep on forgetting on using that sprinkle stuff you see in the commercials. Probably that gets used 3-4 times out of 10.
Today will be the first day I will not be using Sensa, I want to find out what has been the cause of this weight loss. Also I got in to see a Dr at my county's health dept clinic and asking about my chances to development Cushing's since Mom had it, she decided to test me for it. I had to make an appt for the lab and the closest one I could get was May 13. I'm concerned that what if I do have Cushing's and that one pill masks it because it may be lowering my cortisol level? Well that's not good and I don't need that. It would be nice if someone could explain my weight, but I really truly hope it's not Cushing's. Its a rare disease on the rise and there are only a few places in the US that specialize in its treatment, and I am NOT in one of them. (I will have to write a blog on Cushing's later on.)
Also I have not been exercising at all, well besides the times I take my furbaby Hally out for her potty walks since we have no yard. We live in a HOA subdiversion that is all too common for central Florida where no one has ever heard of having a yard to play in or let dogs run around in, it sucks. I miss having a back yard! There is a community club house with a 'pool' and movie theater and make shift gym and I have really never been to except for taking my nephew to the pool. My plan today is to try to get there and start using the elliptical machine, I am just so self conscious and fear the mockery that part of me knows won't happen but the other part of me is hearing already in my head.
So I am going to try to brave the gym, the pool I will have to make that into a 'weight loss' goal. I don't like how I look in my bathing suit, and it is a little small on me and don't want to go out in public with it. And in all honesty the public pool really isn't a pool in my eyes, its only 5 feet deep at its deepest depths and not all that big, well not for swimming laps or anything like that. And it is nowhere near the size of the pool I had in my house I grew up in, back up in Massachusetts where there are no such things as subdivisions! But I guess the community pool is better than the bath tub pools the houses have down here.
Sighs I really miss my 40x20 foot 10-12 foot deep swimming pool.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Years ago I said to myself that if I ever got so heavy that I weighed 300+lbs then I should just kill myself. I have been fighting and dealing with depression on my own for probably about over 20 years now and can recall trying to kill myself semi-annually since I was 7 and stopped when I was about 20. I would like to say that I stopped because I realized it wasn't solving anything but the truth is I just saw myself as weak, a coward and lacking the strength to actually go through with it.
Well I am now over 300 and I can picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger, the only thing stopping me is the fear that no one will take care of my dog (my four legged child). I am actually pounds away from my Mother's heaviest weight which was 330 and its killing me on the inside. The only difference between my Mother and I is that my Mom had a rare disease called Cushing's which caused her weight.
All this is weighing on my mind and I feel like I am falling through a downward spiral. Through some self discovery I realized I have been a self injurer since high school and instead of cutting I used food. A couple years ago I took food out of my coping mechanism and started cutting; I found a way to cut with out it hurting. I have been fighting the urge to cut for months now, I just might give in soon.
I wish I had a job, I wish I had health insurance, I wish I could get help from mental health professionals but I don't know where to go. I have no job, no money, no insurance. I am going back to high school. When I look at myself or think of my body the image of me holding a knife and just stabbing my stomach over and over and over again is constantly playing in my head.
I don't know if I should make this public, it scares me, scares me what people might think. I am not writing this for a pity party, I think maybe I just need to rant, just need to type my feelings out. I want to cry. I want to slice, I want to see the blood dripping down my arms. I feel numb inside, it feels like there's a pit of emptiness inside of me and I'm just falling in.
I just feel like I will never lose this weight....
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
I talk about Thanksgiving dilema among rambling....sorry for the rambling.
Tuesday, November 15, 2011
Ok, so this is going to be part 1 of 2 because Hally was going crazy and I had to take her out. Sorry for all the rambling, hopefully part 2 won't be as bad.
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