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LIVINGDEAD_GIRL's Recent Blog Entries

Day 7: Weigh-in

Sunday, April 14, 2013

Started at 327
Last weigh in 318.1
Today weigh in 317.2

Ok so it's Sunday and I have been off the Sensa pills since Monday and well I am beginning to think all the weigh loss I have had was from them. Now I did lose some weight, not a whole pound, 0.9 pound to be in fact. But hey a loss is a loss!

This coming week I really need to get an exercise plan going, strength training and cardio. Also need to start planning out my meals. Going to have to hunt down recipes on sparkrecipes and make a grocery list up. I am thinking about having some veggie lasagna sometime this week with some strawberry rhubarb pie. The pie may not be the healthiest but hey it's rhubarb and strawberry season and I've been craving it. Besides if I make it then I can control what goes into it versus it being store bought. Might even pick up some asparagus and make some asparagus lemon pasta too.

But what I really need is some munchie food. Not so much for during the day but really more for at night, that's when I really get the munchies. Nothing is really appealing to me at the local grocery stores, since I'm trying to go natural and clean and most packaged food is none of those things. Might have to make a trip up to Whole Foods, but I think I would just rather make something from scratch then do that. There is Annie's, they are an all natural and organic food company so might see if I can find any snacks from them. Also Triscuit has a new line of crackers made with brown rice......going to have to look at the ingredients to see if I can actually eat them.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BOOKWORM27S 4/25/2013 9:54PM

    Way to go! You're on your way to meeting your goal!

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SLAVEBLUERAVEN 4/22/2013 11:39PM

    You have made an emoticon start! Keep it up!

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INFINITELEIGH 4/20/2013 2:53PM

    COngrats on your weight loss this week - every little bit counts! You are definitely on the road to success - KEEP GOING!!

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CATE195 4/15/2013 9:17AM

    Sounds like you are on the right track. I know what you mean about the munchies. Sometimes I just need something crunchy and a little salty. I have found that celery with hummus, or Laughing Cow lite cheese with a few olives on top will work. It's not crackers and cheese, but it is healthy.


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Day 1; New Beginnings

Monday, April 08, 2013

Ok I have seen other people doing this and well it seems like a good idea. I'm going to try to do a daily blog about this journey of weight loss. I have failed so many times before, and even if I fail again I am hoping that looking back at these blogs will give me the self motivation to get back on and not shove everything under the rug.

So about a few months ago my Mom bought Sensa to try out but after discovering the hidden charge and that you have to take pills, one pill lowering cortisol, she deemed it was unsafe for her and put it away in the pantry. (Unsafe because she was diagnosed with a rare disease, Cushing's, and the final treatment for it was the removal of her adrenal glands. So now she is on steroids to replace everything the adrenal glands provide for the human body, including cortisol.)

Anywho when I was just a few pounds away from my mother's heaviest weight (ie from Cushing's) of 330 I felt drastic measures needed to be taken. Now I am not a person who believes all the hype of weight loss pills or shakes, in fact I usually roll my eyes and make fun of those commercials but I felt so desperate that I started using Mom's Sensa, with permission of course.

Around that same time we also have stopped going out to eat, I got approved for food stamps and have started my goal of eating all natural foods and attempting to go flexitarian.
I have lost weight, so is it from the change in my diet or the Sensa? Now I have been taking the pills everyday, 3 of them are vitamins and minerals and the 4th one being a thermogenic supplement that lowers cortisol, but I keep on forgetting on using that sprinkle stuff you see in the commercials. Probably that gets used 3-4 times out of 10.

Today will be the first day I will not be using Sensa, I want to find out what has been the cause of this weight loss. Also I got in to see a Dr at my county's health dept clinic and asking about my chances to development Cushing's since Mom had it, she decided to test me for it. I had to make an appt for the lab and the closest one I could get was May 13. I'm concerned that what if I do have Cushing's and that one pill masks it because it may be lowering my cortisol level? Well that's not good and I don't need that. It would be nice if someone could explain my weight, but I really truly hope it's not Cushing's. Its a rare disease on the rise and there are only a few places in the US that specialize in its treatment, and I am NOT in one of them. (I will have to write a blog on Cushing's later on.)

Also I have not been exercising at all, well besides the times I take my furbaby Hally out for her potty walks since we have no yard. We live in a HOA subdiversion that is all too common for central Florida where no one has ever heard of having a yard to play in or let dogs run around in, it sucks. I miss having a back yard! There is a community club house with a 'pool' and movie theater and make shift gym and I have really never been to except for taking my nephew to the pool. My plan today is to try to get there and start using the elliptical machine, I am just so self conscious and fear the mockery that part of me knows won't happen but the other part of me is hearing already in my head.

So I am going to try to brave the gym, the pool I will have to make that into a 'weight loss' goal. I don't like how I look in my bathing suit, and it is a little small on me and don't want to go out in public with it. And in all honesty the public pool really isn't a pool in my eyes, its only 5 feet deep at its deepest depths and not all that big, well not for swimming laps or anything like that. And it is nowhere near the size of the pool I had in my house I grew up in, back up in Massachusetts where there are no such things as subdivisions! But I guess the community pool is better than the bath tub pools the houses have down here.

Sighs I really miss my 40x20 foot 10-12 foot deep swimming pool. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INFINITELEIGH 4/20/2013 2:50PM

    Congrats for starting again. I have just this week come back top 'start over' too. I have about 90 pounds to lose.

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Broke a promise to myself and it's a good thing.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Years ago I said to myself that if I ever got so heavy that I weighed 300+lbs then I should just kill myself. I have been fighting and dealing with depression on my own for probably about over 20 years now and can recall trying to kill myself semi-annually since I was 7 and stopped when I was about 20. I would like to say that I stopped because I realized it wasn't solving anything but the truth is I just saw myself as weak, a coward and lacking the strength to actually go through with it.

Well I am now over 300 and I can picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger, the only thing stopping me is the fear that no one will take care of my dog (my four legged child). I am actually pounds away from my Mother's heaviest weight which was 330 and its killing me on the inside. The only difference between my Mother and I is that my Mom had a rare disease called Cushing's which caused her weight.

All this is weighing on my mind and I feel like I am falling through a downward spiral. Through some self discovery I realized I have been a self injurer since high school and instead of cutting I used food. A couple years ago I took food out of my coping mechanism and started cutting; I found a way to cut with out it hurting. I have been fighting the urge to cut for months now, I just might give in soon.

I wish I had a job, I wish I had health insurance, I wish I could get help from mental health professionals but I don't know where to go. I have no job, no money, no insurance. I am going back to high school. When I look at myself or think of my body the image of me holding a knife and just stabbing my stomach over and over and over again is constantly playing in my head.
I don't know if I should make this public, it scares me, scares me what people might think. I am not writing this for a pity party, I think maybe I just need to rant, just need to type my feelings out. I want to cry. I want to slice, I want to see the blood dripping down my arms. I feel numb inside, it feels like there's a pit of emptiness inside of me and I'm just falling in.

I just feel like I will never lose this weight....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADZY86 4/15/2013 6:09AM

    I just stumbled across your page and this blog and I want to reach out and giv eyou a massive emoticon There is SO much support on Spark for you, please always reach out when you're feeling low. And don't be scared of what anyone here might or might not think; we have all been through struggles, and the amazing thing about this community is that we are all in it together.

You are beautiful and worth it. 300 is just a number, and the important thing is that you are working on it. Keep going, because you ARE WORTH IT.

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UNICORN212 3/29/2013 10:57PM

    I saw from your page you are in SE Mass. You need to locate a help-line near you - here is a link. Around page 63 are phone numbers grouped by different areas of the state. Please call someone. There is free help out there.

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AMBER281 3/29/2013 5:06PM


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VALKYRIA- 3/23/2013 12:20AM

    I am sorry you are going through this. Please know you are not alone.... and maybe this article can help you find mental help without insurance:

You are a beautiful young woman at any weight, and 300 is just a number. You can recover from these negative thought patterns...please don't lose faith in yourself.


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ALIHIKES 3/22/2013 11:21PM

    I do think you should see someone for help with depression and self-injury. Try your local County health department. Most offer free counseling if you are low income and uninsured. Medication truly can help. emoticon

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LRB444 3/22/2013 11:10PM

    I really am not sure how to help.

I can say that I've had some of those feelings as well. It took me too long to realize that if I surrender to what is and give myself permission to find peace & some positivity the path life brings is much easier.

You truly are a gorgeous woman, and I'm not just saying that to be nice. I mean it.

Is there any activity (exercise) that you enjoy? If so, then do that. Even if it's turning music on in your room and dancing. I'm a terrible dancer, but it is so fun. I figure if I'm having fun doing it then that's all that matters. You obviously love your dog as I do. Walk your sweet dog. It's a great bonding experience for both of you. It doesn't have to be a fast or long walk....just go at a pace that feels peaceful to you.

Coming from someone (me) who struggles with depression & anxiety I will be bold and completely honest & say exercise (of any kind) is the best medication for these ailments. I literally tell myself that my exercise is my medication and fight (some days the fight is harder than others) to keep moving.

Don't think about it. Don't analyze why you don't want to. Just do it and I promise that you will begin to feel better very quickly.

Hugs friend!


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Vlog Part 2

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I talk about Thanksgiving dilema among rambling....sorry for the rambling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VENISEW1 11/17/2011 9:57AM

    I'm proud of you for trying to vlog. I have a better relationship w/my sister as well. I don't get my brother either. Way to go on cooking the turkey. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving this year as well. Take care!

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First Attemp at Vlogging

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ok, so this is going to be part 1 of 2 because Hally was going crazy and I had to take her out. Sorry for all the rambling, hopefully part 2 won't be as bad.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGASSIFAN 11/16/2011 8:23AM

    You R a brave soulo...U look GREAT!!!! Kepp it up!

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VENISEW1 11/15/2011 6:31PM

    You look beautiful as always. Way to go on your progress. I'm sorry you're so sad. Wish I could give you a big hug! What an adorable walking buddy! We're going to miss you in the Southeastern MA team. Your girls look awesome! Mine disappeared after I was done nursing my kids & I miss them dearly. So glad you'll still be on the SP Class of May 10-16, 2009 team. Southeastern MA will miss you very much as well. Take care emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/15/2011 6:45:08 PM

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