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LIVINGDEAD_GIRL's Recent Blog Entries

Reflection Blog

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Well its the 4th week of BLC #12 and I am not where I wanted to be. No one ever said this would be easy, but I at least wanted to be under 300 by now. Hopefully before this challenge is over I will be. Just need to focus on eating more frequently, staying away from all those lovely, yummy temptations, and getting in my exercise! I know I can do this! I HAVE to do this, for my health among other reasons.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUEBRAVERMAN 2/9/2012 12:41PM

    I have over 100 pounds to lose too. Every minute you log in fitness and every calorie you count matters! Everything you do matters...don't be discouraged by numbers on a scale. You made a choice to be healthier and that can't be determined by a piece of hardware with numbers on it. You can do it! Keep on going! Believe in yourself! emoticon

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THVOLLEY 1/9/2012 8:13PM

    Small steps...I'm basically in the same boat, reading your info reminded me of my life since high school as well...hopefully together we can do this!!!

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BONNIE627 11/14/2011 1:49PM

    emoticon slow and steady is the way emoticon

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BAMAGIRL01 11/14/2011 1:24PM

    emoticon Keep up the good work!! Don't give up!!

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BABYGURL941 11/13/2011 12:23PM

    emoticon Just stay focused! emoticon

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KIBAISREADY 11/13/2011 12:19PM


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Proceed with Caution, exposing Blog

Friday, October 28, 2011

After careful thought and looking back at things, I see that all of my coping mechanisms have lead me to where I am today. In a very unhealthy state. But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood? There in lies the question.

I can remember back when I was 7 or 8, my first coping mechanism was trying to take my life. Part was a "I'll show them, won't they be sorry" responce, part was "No one will even miss me if I do this" and the other part was "This is the only thing I know that I can do that will make my father happy with me." I went through this for over 10 years, in high school it was really bad. I pretty much avereged about 8-10 attempts a year.

Never being able to go through with it only lead me to see myself as one weak, powerless individual. Constantly telling yourself that you are weak has its toll. That's when I think I turned my suicidal coping mechanism into my eating coping mechanism. I would eat and eat and eat. Sophmore year I jumped from a size 13 to a size 18 and to this day still wish I had listened to my mom and gone to a doctor about it. I would look at my body in the mirror and just want to take a knife and cut and stab myself over and over and over again. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that it would hurl like hell. That's when I usually would go grab something to eat and shove my face with junk food.

Last year I actually did start cutting, only a few times. I was lifted up by someone who made me feel loved and beautiful only to drop me like an anvil into some bottomless pit. I'm not going to lie, the few times I did cut, the endorphin rush was simply amazingly calming and soothing and just made everything simply melt away.

Now back to the present, I have recently gone from eating lots of junk food at night, chips, home made baked goods, ice eating fruits and veggies and I think it has caused a shock to my system. Lately I have been very emotional and any little tiff I get into with my mom has got me either wanting to end it all or to take a knife and cut and stab. These feelings are so intense lately, they have never ever been this intense before. So now when I ignore them and say "NO" I end up breaking down and crying and this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die. Sometimes its brought up just by walking in a store and not being able to get the sweets that I normally would of gotten. I just don't understand it, I didn't forsee any of these happening.

Hell, I love fruits and veggies. I had to discover yummy veggies like artichokes, asparugus, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, spring mix lettuce, raddichio, eggplant....all in my adult life!

When I was little lima beans and peas and potatoes is what was shoved down my throat and I would fight them all becuase I didn't like them! I also remember 'helping' my mom make salads in the summer, only all the chopped up veggies would 'disappear'. So all this emotion I am going through is simply just shocking. I just hope I have it in me to continie and not give in to these dark desires.

A big part of me does feel "who am I to complain? I have had it easy compared to some people" So if anyone reading this feels like I am just complainging to complain, I'm sorry. I wrote this out for me, and there are so many details that I have left out. My mind is just a jumbling mess at the moment, so I will end it here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIBAISREADY 10/31/2011 1:54PM



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BAMAGIRL01 10/31/2011 12:07PM

    I'm so sorry to hear what you have gone through! Never give up on yourself, you are worth it!!! We're all here for you if you need us!

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BRITTEEG 10/29/2011 10:47AM

    Just wanted to come by and offer some emoticon, Hally is there for you too, as well as the rest of SP. Sometimes when I am feeling depressed it helps me to strap Ozzy into his leash and take him on a long walk. You'll get there, you'll find what makes you happy, you just have to keep trying to move forward and live your life the best way you can. emoticon

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AIMEESINGS 10/28/2011 11:38PM

    I'm sorry you have had to go through this struggle from such a young age. I agree with what the others wrote and girl, never give up. You are such an amazing person, and by being here on SP you are changing your life. Your support for others is awesome, and I'm so glad you are on our team for the BLC. Keep your head up and I hope you find something that eases your suffering. emoticon

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BLUE42DOWN 10/28/2011 5:53PM

    "But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood?"

I'm going to just focus on that. What, to you, are some positive methods of coping with stresses and emotions? Before you can change, you need some idea of where you want to go, not just an idea of what you want to leave behind. Negative coping mechanisms tend to be self-destructive and to avoid not just the stress, but the root causes. Positive coping mechanisms are ones that we use to face the stress and uncover the root cause, allowing us to find at least something we can control about it.

An example of a positive way to cope is getting a bad employment review and being honest with ourselves on whether we deserved it, asking what is stopping us from doing better, and deciding what can we control about the situation to make it better going forward. Maybe that's going to bed earlier. Maybe it's going back to school for more training or a career change. Maybe it's learning to say no to projects that aren't our job or to properly delegate to subordinates. By recognizing what we can change, we take control of the review rather than letting it ruin us.

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AHNAZEE 10/28/2011 3:56PM

    You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Amazing, huh? Those crazy strong emotions are probably not exactly crazy or even very strong; just like a young child learning about their feelings and how to influence the world around them, you are having to relearn all that stuff about control and proper perspective now that you're letting go of old dysfunctional coping mechanisms. . Give yourself a break. Heck, give yourself a pat on the back. And remember, time takes time.
Be good to yourself, be safe. If you are still wanting to hurt yourself, please go to a professional. We all need help sometimes. You're worth it!

emoticon emoticon

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Letter to myself

Saturday, October 22, 2011

Woo girl, it has been a whole eight weeks since you started challenging yourself again. How did it feel? I bet some of your clothes are fitting looser and you can get back up from the floor a lot easier now. I know it was a very emotional journey but you got through it! Go out and reward yourself will ya? I know there might of been times where you fell, but you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off and got right back to it! That alone deserves to be celebrated! I know you are no longer in the 300s and will never see them again. YOU DID IT GIRL!!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FLABTOFABWSANA 10/24/2011 1:04AM

    Oh yes! Cheers to what you'll accomplish after this challenge. Good luck emoticon

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KIBAISREADY 10/23/2011 6:23PM

    LOVE IT! emoticon emoticon

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SMILESHINE81 10/23/2011 4:59PM

    Great letter - I think the reminder to reward yourself is really important! emoticon

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AGASSIFAN 10/23/2011 4:04PM

    emoticon ISN'T it GREAT getting out of the 3's!!!!!

Find a way to celebrate and stay on track!!!!

emoticon emoticon

Peace & love!


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ADVENTURESEEKER 10/23/2011 12:18AM

    Good job! Keep up the hard work emoticon

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I'm back

Saturday, May 22, 2010

been off of spark for months and months and months now but i think i'm ready to get back on. Lots have been happening since me "hiatus" and well sad to say no weightloss, more like weightgain *grumbles*

Happy to say i am cushing's clear as of january, never had cushing's but my mom does and her dr. wanted me to be tested for it. But right around that time i did start having eye problems, seeing lines over my field of vision, spots appeared from when i stood up after having been sitting down. Well turns out that i have pappilledema caused by too much spinal fluid that was created intercranial pressure and thus squashing my optic nerves. My last visit with my neural-opthromologist was kind of shocking. Was basically told that i need to lose weight or i'm going to go blind. And you would think that would motivate me to exercise, but no still got no motivation.

Ok part of the not wanting to exercise has to do with low self esteem, i belong to planet fitness and well am convinced that if i go there people are going to chase me out. That and i got nothing appropriate to wear to the gym, well nothing appropriate with pockets. I NEED pockets so i can carry my inhaler with me, ah the life of a non-allergy asthmatic. I was so blessed with exercise induced asthma, yeeeeeea me *rolls eyes*

sighs, so ya thats my story for now

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHARONGD 5/23/2010 4:46PM

    Trust me as a PF member myself and starting off with 40 lbs. and feeling very vulnerable to what people will not be judged! It is a safe place and everyone feels the same way when you get started...just go do it and the more you go the easier it gets and you'll see everyday people just wanting to get healthy again! I see the same group of people each day and it's comforting to feel like you belong far as what to wear? I found most of my workout clothes at Wal-mart! You can do it! Good luck and glad you're back! emoticon

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GRANDMA442 5/22/2010 3:11PM

    I have this little bag I can wear around my neck with the inhaler. It is waterproof so I can even wear it swimming. I got it free with Sybicort points - I don't know where you can buy them but your pharmacist might know. Hope this helps! emoticon

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Long over due blog about 1st visit with brand new Dr.

Monday, October 12, 2009

So I saw my new Dr. a few weeks ago who thankfully gave me some meds to help get my asthma under control and thats about the only thing positive I can think of. When I mentiuoned how I had been going through some old photos and realized that in Oct when i was 14 I was a size 11 and then in June when I was 15 I was a plus size 18. In fact I never even made it into misses sizes, I literally went from juniors to plus completely jumping over a while size class. He just dismissed the whole thing, and when I told him there are days where I am barely eating 1200 he acted as if I were lying to him, that I'm cheating. I think what bothered me the most was when I said I had been walking at a slow pace because my asthma had been really bad and walking at a brisk pace would of thrown me right into an asthma attack, and according to hin that was not good enough and I should of been using my inhaler before I went walking. Well I was. And he kept on giving me that look, like I know your lying to me, you can't this big and doing all you say you are.

I don't know, I have a strong feeling that because this Dr. is on the heavy side and not thin I'm being harder on him then I would of if he wasn't so heavy. It just pissed me off listening to him, I just wanted to smack him and tell him to look in the god damn mirror and take his own advice. I just can't stand people in glass houses throwing stones.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LORRAANN77 11/15/2009 10:41AM

    Yep, I agree with the rest, you need to fire this Doctor. You need some one who will listen and validate that YOU know your body best and help you research and discover what's truly going on with you. Wish you the best.
s Support Team Co-Leader

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IRENE4548 10/20/2009 9:54AM

  My Family practice physican does not know anything about Cushings. Every time I get the perscription for blood work they have to look it up. He said I am the only patient that got that much blood work. I am going to see a lady doctor on Thursday and may transfer. She is in her early 40's. Thank goodness my endrocnologist is a good one. When my endo. does receive my blood work results, he comments sometimes that he doesn't get what he wants. I also have a big weight problem, by my doctor (endo) says it is risky losing weight with cushings. He told me not to gain any more. I focus on healthy foods. I really mess up though. Continue looking until you find the right doctor. You will know, especially if they show interest in you.

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UGOGIRL51 10/13/2009 12:12PM

    I had a dr like that before and got rid of her as soon as I could. Keep telling her I don't eat that much and she said well you must be eating in the closet.... emoticon

It runs in my family genes to be one the little heavy side and I was only eating one meal a day. It was all the darn steroids and predinsones I was taking. I wanted to smack her into never land

Drop him like a hot potato and don't look back sweetie.... emoticon

Annette emoticon
asthma / copd team

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GRANDMA442 10/12/2009 3:51PM

    I agree with Bonnie! Keep looking and keep doing as much as you can. Exercise sets me off, too. It is very hard. emoticon

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BONNIE627 10/12/2009 8:53AM

    sounds like you need to keep looking for a dr.. you are not happy with this one and should not stay with him feeling that way..

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