Sunday, November 13, 2011
Well its the 4th week of BLC #12 and I am not where I wanted to be. No one ever said this would be easy, but I at least wanted to be under 300 by now. Hopefully before this challenge is over I will be. Just need to focus on eating more frequently, staying away from all those lovely, yummy temptations, and getting in my exercise! I know I can do this! I HAVE to do this, for my health among other reasons.
Friday, October 28, 2011
After careful thought and looking back at things, I see that all of my coping mechanisms have lead me to where I am today. In a very unhealthy state. But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood? There in lies the question.
I can remember back when I was 7 or 8, my first coping mechanism was trying to take my life. Part was a "I'll show them, won't they be sorry" responce, part was "No one will even miss me if I do this" and the other part was "This is the only thing I know that I can do that will make my father happy with me." I went through this for over 10 years, in high school it was really bad. I pretty much avereged about 8-10 attempts a year.
Never being able to go through with it only lead me to see myself as one weak, powerless individual. Constantly telling yourself that you are weak has its toll. That's when I think I turned my suicidal coping mechanism into my eating coping mechanism. I would eat and eat and eat. Sophmore year I jumped from a size 13 to a size 18 and to this day still wish I had listened to my mom and gone to a doctor about it. I would look at my body in the mirror and just want to take a knife and cut and stab myself over and over and over again. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that it would hurl like hell. That's when I usually would go grab something to eat and shove my face with junk food.
Last year I actually did start cutting, only a few times. I was lifted up by someone who made me feel loved and beautiful only to drop me like an anvil into some bottomless pit. I'm not going to lie, the few times I did cut, the endorphin rush was simply amazingly calming and soothing and just made everything simply melt away.
Now back to the present, I have recently gone from eating lots of junk food at night, chips, home made baked goods, ice cream...to eating fruits and veggies and I think it has caused a shock to my system. Lately I have been very emotional and any little tiff I get into with my mom has got me either wanting to end it all or to take a knife and cut and stab. These feelings are so intense lately, they have never ever been this intense before. So now when I ignore them and say "NO" I end up breaking down and crying and this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die. Sometimes its brought up just by walking in a store and not being able to get the sweets that I normally would of gotten. I just don't understand it, I didn't forsee any of these happening.
Hell, I love fruits and veggies. I had to discover yummy veggies like artichokes, asparugus, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, spring mix lettuce, raddichio, eggplant....all in my adult life!
When I was little lima beans and peas and potatoes is what was shoved down my throat and I would fight them all becuase I didn't like them! I also remember 'helping' my mom make salads in the summer, only all the chopped up veggies would 'disappear'. So all this emotion I am going through is simply just shocking. I just hope I have it in me to continie and not give in to these dark desires.
A big part of me does feel "who am I to complain? I have had it easy compared to some people" So if anyone reading this feels like I am just complainging to complain, I'm sorry. I wrote this out for me, and there are so many details that I have left out. My mind is just a jumbling mess at the moment, so I will end it here.
Saturday, October 22, 2011
Woo girl, it has been a whole eight weeks since you started challenging yourself again. How did it feel? I bet some of your clothes are fitting looser and you can get back up from the floor a lot easier now. I know it was a very emotional journey but you got through it! Go out and reward yourself will ya? I know there might of been times where you fell, but you picked yourself up, dusted yourself off and got right back to it! That alone deserves to be celebrated! I know you are no longer in the 300s and will never see them again. YOU DID IT GIRL!!!!
Saturday, May 22, 2010
been off of spark for months and months and months now but i think i'm ready to get back on. Lots have been happening since me "hiatus" and well sad to say no weightloss, more like weightgain *grumbles*
Happy to say i am cushing's clear as of january, never had cushing's but my mom does and her dr. wanted me to be tested for it. But right around that time i did start having eye problems, seeing lines over my field of vision, spots appeared from when i stood up after having been sitting down. Well turns out that i have pappilledema caused by too much spinal fluid that was created intercranial pressure and thus squashing my optic nerves. My last visit with my neural-opthromologist was kind of shocking. Was basically told that i need to lose weight or i'm going to go blind. And you would think that would motivate me to exercise, but no still got no motivation.
Ok part of the not wanting to exercise has to do with low self esteem, i belong to planet fitness and well am convinced that if i go there people are going to chase me out. That and i got nothing appropriate to wear to the gym, well nothing appropriate with pockets. I NEED pockets so i can carry my inhaler with me, ah the life of a non-allergy asthmatic. I was so blessed with exercise induced asthma, yeeeeeea me *rolls eyes*
sighs, so ya thats my story for now
Monday, October 12, 2009
So I saw my new Dr. a few weeks ago who thankfully gave me some meds to help get my asthma under control and thats about the only thing positive I can think of. When I mentiuoned how I had been going through some old photos and realized that in Oct when i was 14 I was a size 11 and then in June when I was 15 I was a plus size 18. In fact I never even made it into misses sizes, I literally went from juniors to plus completely jumping over a while size class. He just dismissed the whole thing, and when I told him there are days where I am barely eating 1200 he acted as if I were lying to him, that I'm cheating. I think what bothered me the most was when I said I had been walking at a slow pace because my asthma had been really bad and walking at a brisk pace would of thrown me right into an asthma attack, and according to hin that was not good enough and I should of been using my inhaler before I went walking. Well I was. And he kept on giving me that look, like I know your lying to me, you can't this big and doing all you say you are.
I don't know, I have a strong feeling that because this Dr. is on the heavy side and not thin I'm being harder on him then I would of if he wasn't so heavy. It just pissed me off listening to him, I just wanted to smack him and tell him to look in the god damn mirror and take his own advice. I just can't stand people in glass houses throwing stones.
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