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Broke a promise to myself and it's a good thing.

Friday, March 22, 2013

Years ago I said to myself that if I ever got so heavy that I weighed 300+lbs then I should just kill myself. I have been fighting and dealing with depression on my own for probably about over 20 years now and can recall trying to kill myself semi-annually since I was 7 and stopped when I was about 20. I would like to say that I stopped because I realized it wasn't solving anything but the truth is I just saw myself as weak, a coward and lacking the strength to actually go through with it.

Well I am now over 300 and I can picture myself putting a gun in my mouth and pulling the trigger, the only thing stopping me is the fear that no one will take care of my dog (my four legged child). I am actually pounds away from my Mother's heaviest weight which was 330 and its killing me on the inside. The only difference between my Mother and I is that my Mom had a rare disease called Cushing's which caused her weight.

All this is weighing on my mind and I feel like I am falling through a downward spiral. Through some self discovery I realized I have been a self injurer since high school and instead of cutting I used food. A couple years ago I took food out of my coping mechanism and started cutting; I found a way to cut with out it hurting. I have been fighting the urge to cut for months now, I just might give in soon.

I wish I had a job, I wish I had health insurance, I wish I could get help from mental health professionals but I don't know where to go. I have no job, no money, no insurance. I am going back to high school. When I look at myself or think of my body the image of me holding a knife and just stabbing my stomach over and over and over again is constantly playing in my head.
I don't know if I should make this public, it scares me, scares me what people might think. I am not writing this for a pity party, I think maybe I just need to rant, just need to type my feelings out. I want to cry. I want to slice, I want to see the blood dripping down my arms. I feel numb inside, it feels like there's a pit of emptiness inside of me and I'm just falling in.

I just feel like I will never lose this weight....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ADZY86 4/15/2013 6:09AM

    I just stumbled across your page and this blog and I want to reach out and giv eyou a massive emoticon There is SO much support on Spark for you, please always reach out when you're feeling low. And don't be scared of what anyone here might or might not think; we have all been through struggles, and the amazing thing about this community is that we are all in it together.

You are beautiful and worth it. 300 is just a number, and the important thing is that you are working on it. Keep going, because you ARE WORTH IT.

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UNICORN212 3/29/2013 10:57PM

    I saw from your page you are in SE Mass. You need to locate a help-line near you - here is a link. Around page 63 are phone numbers grouped by different areas of the state. Please call someone. There is free help out there.

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AMBER281 3/29/2013 5:06PM


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VALKYRIA- 3/23/2013 12:20AM

    I am sorry you are going through this. Please know you are not alone.... and maybe this article can help you find mental help without insurance:

You are a beautiful young woman at any weight, and 300 is just a number. You can recover from these negative thought patterns...please don't lose faith in yourself.


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ALIHIKES 3/22/2013 11:21PM

    I do think you should see someone for help with depression and self-injury. Try your local County health department. Most offer free counseling if you are low income and uninsured. Medication truly can help. emoticon

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LRB444 3/22/2013 11:10PM

    I really am not sure how to help.

I can say that I've had some of those feelings as well. It took me too long to realize that if I surrender to what is and give myself permission to find peace & some positivity the path life brings is much easier.

You truly are a gorgeous woman, and I'm not just saying that to be nice. I mean it.

Is there any activity (exercise) that you enjoy? If so, then do that. Even if it's turning music on in your room and dancing. I'm a terrible dancer, but it is so fun. I figure if I'm having fun doing it then that's all that matters. You obviously love your dog as I do. Walk your sweet dog. It's a great bonding experience for both of you. It doesn't have to be a fast or long walk....just go at a pace that feels peaceful to you.

Coming from someone (me) who struggles with depression & anxiety I will be bold and completely honest & say exercise (of any kind) is the best medication for these ailments. I literally tell myself that my exercise is my medication and fight (some days the fight is harder than others) to keep moving.

Don't think about it. Don't analyze why you don't want to. Just do it and I promise that you will begin to feel better very quickly.

Hugs friend!


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Vlog Part 2

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

I talk about Thanksgiving dilema among rambling....sorry for the rambling.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VENISEW1 11/17/2011 9:57AM

    I'm proud of you for trying to vlog. I have a better relationship w/my sister as well. I don't get my brother either. Way to go on cooking the turkey. Hope you have a great Thanksgiving this year as well. Take care!

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First Attemp at Vlogging

Tuesday, November 15, 2011

Ok, so this is going to be part 1 of 2 because Hally was going crazy and I had to take her out. Sorry for all the rambling, hopefully part 2 won't be as bad.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

AGASSIFAN 11/16/2011 8:23AM

    You R a brave soulo...U look GREAT!!!! Kepp it up!

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VENISEW1 11/15/2011 6:31PM

    You look beautiful as always. Way to go on your progress. I'm sorry you're so sad. Wish I could give you a big hug! What an adorable walking buddy! We're going to miss you in the Southeastern MA team. Your girls look awesome! Mine disappeared after I was done nursing my kids & I miss them dearly. So glad you'll still be on the SP Class of May 10-16, 2009 team. Southeastern MA will miss you very much as well. Take care emoticon

Comment edited on: 11/15/2011 6:45:08 PM

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Reflection Blog

Sunday, November 13, 2011

Well its the 4th week of BLC #12 and I am not where I wanted to be. No one ever said this would be easy, but I at least wanted to be under 300 by now. Hopefully before this challenge is over I will be. Just need to focus on eating more frequently, staying away from all those lovely, yummy temptations, and getting in my exercise! I know I can do this! I HAVE to do this, for my health among other reasons.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SUEBRAVERMAN 2/9/2012 12:41PM

    I have over 100 pounds to lose too. Every minute you log in fitness and every calorie you count matters! Everything you do matters...don't be discouraged by numbers on a scale. You made a choice to be healthier and that can't be determined by a piece of hardware with numbers on it. You can do it! Keep on going! Believe in yourself! emoticon

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THVOLLEY 1/9/2012 8:13PM

    Small steps...I'm basically in the same boat, reading your info reminded me of my life since high school as well...hopefully together we can do this!!!

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BONNIE627 11/14/2011 1:49PM

    emoticon slow and steady is the way emoticon

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BAMAGIRL01 11/14/2011 1:24PM

    emoticon Keep up the good work!! Don't give up!!

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BABYGURL941 11/13/2011 12:23PM

    emoticon Just stay focused! emoticon

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KIBAISREADY 11/13/2011 12:19PM


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Proceed with Caution, exposing Blog

Friday, October 28, 2011

After careful thought and looking back at things, I see that all of my coping mechanisms have lead me to where I am today. In a very unhealthy state. But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood? There in lies the question.

I can remember back when I was 7 or 8, my first coping mechanism was trying to take my life. Part was a "I'll show them, won't they be sorry" responce, part was "No one will even miss me if I do this" and the other part was "This is the only thing I know that I can do that will make my father happy with me." I went through this for over 10 years, in high school it was really bad. I pretty much avereged about 8-10 attempts a year.

Never being able to go through with it only lead me to see myself as one weak, powerless individual. Constantly telling yourself that you are weak has its toll. That's when I think I turned my suicidal coping mechanism into my eating coping mechanism. I would eat and eat and eat. Sophmore year I jumped from a size 13 to a size 18 and to this day still wish I had listened to my mom and gone to a doctor about it. I would look at my body in the mirror and just want to take a knife and cut and stab myself over and over and over again. The only thing that stopped me was the fear that it would hurl like hell. That's when I usually would go grab something to eat and shove my face with junk food.

Last year I actually did start cutting, only a few times. I was lifted up by someone who made me feel loved and beautiful only to drop me like an anvil into some bottomless pit. I'm not going to lie, the few times I did cut, the endorphin rush was simply amazingly calming and soothing and just made everything simply melt away.

Now back to the present, I have recently gone from eating lots of junk food at night, chips, home made baked goods, ice eating fruits and veggies and I think it has caused a shock to my system. Lately I have been very emotional and any little tiff I get into with my mom has got me either wanting to end it all or to take a knife and cut and stab. These feelings are so intense lately, they have never ever been this intense before. So now when I ignore them and say "NO" I end up breaking down and crying and this overwhelming feeling of just wanting to die. Sometimes its brought up just by walking in a store and not being able to get the sweets that I normally would of gotten. I just don't understand it, I didn't forsee any of these happening.

Hell, I love fruits and veggies. I had to discover yummy veggies like artichokes, asparugus, broccoli, cauliflower, spinach, spring mix lettuce, raddichio, eggplant....all in my adult life!

When I was little lima beans and peas and potatoes is what was shoved down my throat and I would fight them all becuase I didn't like them! I also remember 'helping' my mom make salads in the summer, only all the chopped up veggies would 'disappear'. So all this emotion I am going through is simply just shocking. I just hope I have it in me to continie and not give in to these dark desires.

A big part of me does feel "who am I to complain? I have had it easy compared to some people" So if anyone reading this feels like I am just complainging to complain, I'm sorry. I wrote this out for me, and there are so many details that I have left out. My mind is just a jumbling mess at the moment, so I will end it here.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KIBAISREADY 10/31/2011 1:54PM



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BAMAGIRL01 10/31/2011 12:07PM

    I'm so sorry to hear what you have gone through! Never give up on yourself, you are worth it!!! We're all here for you if you need us!

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BRITTEEG 10/29/2011 10:47AM

    Just wanted to come by and offer some emoticon, Hally is there for you too, as well as the rest of SP. Sometimes when I am feeling depressed it helps me to strap Ozzy into his leash and take him on a long walk. You'll get there, you'll find what makes you happy, you just have to keep trying to move forward and live your life the best way you can. emoticon

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AIMEESINGS 10/28/2011 11:38PM

    I'm sorry you have had to go through this struggle from such a young age. I agree with what the others wrote and girl, never give up. You are such an amazing person, and by being here on SP you are changing your life. Your support for others is awesome, and I'm so glad you are on our team for the BLC. Keep your head up and I hope you find something that eases your suffering. emoticon

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BLUE42DOWN 10/28/2011 5:53PM

    "But how does one go about changing coping mechanisms that they have had since childhood?"

I'm going to just focus on that. What, to you, are some positive methods of coping with stresses and emotions? Before you can change, you need some idea of where you want to go, not just an idea of what you want to leave behind. Negative coping mechanisms tend to be self-destructive and to avoid not just the stress, but the root causes. Positive coping mechanisms are ones that we use to face the stress and uncover the root cause, allowing us to find at least something we can control about it.

An example of a positive way to cope is getting a bad employment review and being honest with ourselves on whether we deserved it, asking what is stopping us from doing better, and deciding what can we control about the situation to make it better going forward. Maybe that's going to bed earlier. Maybe it's going back to school for more training or a career change. Maybe it's learning to say no to projects that aren't our job or to properly delegate to subordinates. By recognizing what we can change, we take control of the review rather than letting it ruin us.

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AHNAZEE 10/28/2011 3:56PM

    You are exactly where you are supposed to be. Amazing, huh? Those crazy strong emotions are probably not exactly crazy or even very strong; just like a young child learning about their feelings and how to influence the world around them, you are having to relearn all that stuff about control and proper perspective now that you're letting go of old dysfunctional coping mechanisms. . Give yourself a break. Heck, give yourself a pat on the back. And remember, time takes time.
Be good to yourself, be safe. If you are still wanting to hurt yourself, please go to a professional. We all need help sometimes. You're worth it!

emoticon emoticon

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