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Quitting...not quitting....

Friday, January 31, 2014

Not trying to be a drama queen.....I really am continuing to wrestle with this decision. I know that no one else can make the decision for me and I think that is what I want. I want someone else to say, "Yes, continue Biggest Loser!" or "No, you can quit." I mentioned to three people this week that I was thinking of dropping out of the "game." I know I threw a big fit last year and said that I wasn't going to participate this year. My reasons for joining was that I did do better when involved. No, I didn't stick with it all the way through the end, but it was better than with nothing. However, this year all I feel is stress. It was something that I thought I could just eliminate and not worry anymore. I've been stressed about paying the entrance fee, stressed about getting all of my exercising in and then paying for healthier groceries. Yes, I know that sometimes healthy food is cheaper than junk food, but I have learned a few cheap/filling meals that aren't exactly the best health wise. However the first two weeks I lost a pound and a few ounces. Then the school counselor (who is weighing everyone in) convinced me to weigh in one more time. I had lost 2 pounds and some ounces. So then I feel like with all of the crackers and soda ingested this week what would have happened had I really tried? It comes to 10:30 at night and I think that I really need to get some sleep rather than workout and the guilt and shame spiral begin as sleep and working out war within me.

She said that she would encourage me to continue to weigh in on Fridays even if I don't pay and participate. She also made it sound like I would continue to earn "buzz bucks" (teacher money that we can earn to buy rewards like a principal doing our lunch duty). She also said that later on if I decide that I want to be in the running for the winning pot, I could pay. I don't know what to do. I need to be held accountable. (like pinterest said, I really need someone to walk beside me and smack the junk out of my hand) It's stressful but I know if I could continue and get it "under control" then some of that stress would go away because I would be doing something good for my mind and body. I'm just a swirling mess right now....GRRRRRR!

I'm also frustrated because I can't get as organized as I was when I did this last year. I don't have snacks or breakfasts ready. I've been buying TV dinners because my husband has been gone and it's just been easier this past week. I'm sure that helps with portion control during meal time.

Well, I took a break to eat dinner with the family and am back. I have forgotten what else I was going to write. Thank you for listening and letting me whine. I'm sorry!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BRENDA_G50 4/13/2014 2:14PM

    Here it is April and I found this particular blog to read. I've also been having that same war playing in my head. Since I broke my arm in January and haven't been able to exercise like I was before this happened, I pretty much gave up on myself. It seems, at least with me, that if I don't exercise...I can't lose weight.

So here I am, having a pity party for myself instead of doing what I know I CAN do. I'm still trying to keep within my calorie range, I'm going to Physical Therapy twice a week for the arm, but I'm still having that inward battle with myself. My motivation is non-existent since I don't have anyone I can talk to about my feelings or to even workout with.

We BOTH need to emoticon with the excuses and get back on track!!! WE are both WORTH IT!!! In fact, we DESERVE IT!!! The healthier life is a better life for us.

emoticon emoticonand together emoticon

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TRACYDH 2/1/2014 11:55AM

    I'm glad to see you sharing your feelings - I can tell you that the worst times for me, taking care of myself-wise, are when I am not sharing, but just keeping it all in and hidden. Reaching out for support is the best thing you can do, and it shows that you really want change!
I'm proud of you for putting this all out there!
I believe you can do this, but it's ultimately up to you. It sounds like they are willing to be very supportive, and I like that. Also, I find my stress reduces hugely when I exercise, so that may help!
But as Susan says, it's for you to decide, and you know whether you're ready to go for it! We're here for you regardless. Hugs!

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SUSANYVONNE68 1/31/2014 9:17PM

    I think you are putting the cart before the horse and making it harder on yourself. Why not try, since they are willing to let you and if it isn't for you then step down and do it when you feel more ready. Nothing has to be perfect, all that matters is that you try. Good things can come from it. ONLY you can decide.

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Undeserving of Any Success

Friday, January 17, 2014

Well, I lost 1.4 pounds this week. I didn't really try. In fact, I think I consciously and unconsciously sabotaged my efforts. I have been extremely tired this week, both physically and emotionally. My husband started a new job and while I think that will be nice. (The paycheck will be coming in handy since freelance work is so sporatic where payment is concerned.) He was super stressed and nervous this past weekend. He has OCD so the normal worrying about a new job is greatly intensified with him. I try to be supportive, but I don't know how do help him without stirring up additional worries or giving the impression that I don't care. Anyway, we haven't been sleeping well. My caffeine intake has gone through the roof. Partially because I'm trying to stay awake at work, but it burns off so quickly that then I go and get more. (not good, I know...)

I took my son back to the pediatric psychiatrist this week for a medicine check. Things seem to be going okay there. I'm glad that we have finally found something that seems to be helping him. Although it is more than 4 times the cost of the original medicine he was on. (Another good reason why my husband has started working outside the home again.) Since we had to drive an hour to the doctor, I took off a 1/2 a day and we stopped at a few places together. He got to eat at whatever place he wanted, which was McDonalds. I bought a cheap meal although I know it wasn't good for me. When we got home, my youngest saw the trash and was very upset that she didn't get to enjoy it as well. I told her I would spend a special day with her next week. When she calmed down (she did it herself and I was so proud of her!) my husband said that he would buy all the kids a meal from McDonalds so there was another horrible food choice for me again. Then I brought my son lunch yesterday because he was star student this week and since I didn't have a lunch prepared...again another poor lunch decision on my part.

I have just been too worn out to try and put forth any effort to try and eat well. I have been so exhausted and mentally beat that I haven't worked out either. I did get on the treadmill once this week. So, to make a long story longer, I don't feel like I deserve that weight loss of 1.4 pounds. Why? It's gone. It's not even a matter of deserving? When you work hard you earn things. Work at my job, I earn a paycheck. Work at eating healthy and exercising, I earn weight loss.

Anyway, I'm headed to my parents for the weekend to finally celebrate Christmas with them. While I know I probably won't exercise a lot and my food choices won't be the absolute best, they will be better than McDonalds. I also have next week to continue working.

I did finally join Biggest Loser because even though I hate the competition portion of it, it does help to keep me motivated and accountable. (usually...this last week, not) I heard of one girl losing 9 pounds this past week/2 weeks. Immediately my brain starts shooting out defeating messages. Why even try? I hate the feeling of defeat even before I have gotten out of the starting gate. (I'm not saying that losing that much weight is good, it is just the whole idea that she is off to such a huge lead in the game.) I thought I was ready for this round and that maybe this time would be my time to make some actual progress. I need to get my head out of my rear and get in business.

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend and a blessed week!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

WALNUTT1961 1/18/2014 3:34PM

    Hang in there. Moonstream has some good advice! Take care of yourself and the 10 minutes a day have been working for me too.


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MOONSTREAM 1/18/2014 11:33AM

    #1 take care of yourself. I started with a committment to exercise 10 minutes a day. Just 10 minutes - you can do that. I'm on Day 400+ and it has made a huge difference in my life. You can't change control what happens with others but you can make sure you are taking care of your self (which will help you take better care of others). Advice I'm now finally following myself. Hang in there. emoticon

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Back At It

Friday, January 03, 2014

Well, I went back to work today for the first time in two weeks. I was kinda glad to get out of the house (even though it was really cold!) and get back to work. I am so tired of all of the sickness that has hung around our house. I didn't like getting up early, but I was even willing to let that roll off my back simply for the chance to see other adults!

Well, the weigh-in began for Biggest Loser at our school. I know I said last time that I would never do it again, but here I am contemplating it. For the most part, it does help me to be more least halfway through it before I decide that it is stupid and I give up. What are your thoughts? I need to get back on track. I have gained back almost everything that I have lost through the last 2 challenges. I feel yucky and can't afford a new wardrobe. Although, if my husband doesn't get paid soon then I won't have to worry because we won't be buying food. (just kidding...although things are tighter than we would like). Grrr...that is a whole other complaint that I don't need to get into right now.

What are some of my major struggles? Ideas on how to solve them....???

*Hungry (yes, stomach growling) after school gets out. I tutor until 5 then pick up the youngest, and head home to fix dinner.

*Getting up in the morning to workout. When I do get around to doing it, I do it of an evening, but then I'm keyed up before going to bed.

*Staying motivated to keep with the working out...and eating healthy although that is a little easier than working out. It seems like everyday is a struggle to work out...even a little bit.

Well, here it goes....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TRACYDH 1/3/2014 8:41PM

    me too friend, me too - back at it. do whatever you think feels best, if you think the challenge works for you, go for it!!

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Part 2 (not)....but other stuff.

Friday, December 20, 2013

I don't remember what else I had on my mind to write about. I was going to finish everything this morning, but a co-worker came in and we discussed kids for about an hour and a half. It was good to talk with her because I don't feel like we ever connect and I think I was able to get some thoughts across about being the parent of an autistic/Asperger's child. There is some major stuff going on with one that I work with and yes, the parents may have said some stupid stuff and I don't agree with how they are handling things, but I also feel like the team was missing out on some of the parents' side. I am on both sides. I don't agree with how the parents are handling things, but they do have a valid point (I think) on a couple of things and unless you are the parent of one of these unique individuals, you have NO idea what we are going through and why we say what we do. (And my case is fairly mild compared to a lot of other people.)

Well, didn't mean to rant on that for so long. We also had Christmas programs (thankfully not for my children today) and one group was going to the movies and the other group was decorating gingerbread houses and then having their party. I pulled my child out after an hour and a half. He wasn't having fun. There were too many people, too much music and just TOO MUCH! I hate for him to miss out on something, but if he is asking to leave and isn't having fun anymore, then why stay? We went back to my office where he chilled and I worked.

Lying.....lying to myself.....
Well, um, yup. So I ate a gas station breakfast sandwich. I was starving and knew it would be a long time until lunch. I have been starting to think better about food choices but not entirely sticking with it. Then someone brought muffins. I got one. I did throw out the last 1/4 of it because I was full ( emoticon ) but yet I still ate most of it. I went and got my kids food because my daughter's class was eating cheese pizza (she hates) and I said I would pack her a lunch only to realize last night that I didn't have any lunch items available. If I got her something, I really should get my boy something too. (They are in the same building). So I got myself something as well. I ate a McDouble and fries and then stopped at Arbys for a Jr. roast beef and a chocolate croissant. (I didn't eat the croissant until much later, but still). I ate the roast beef sandwich with my co-worker. I acted like "oh my goodness, I am so full from such a small sandwich. [and] See, I am thinking better about what I eat....smaller portions." What a big FAT (in all ways) LIE!!! Okay, first off, she probably doesn't care what I eat. Yes, she is very concerned about her weight and weighs herself everyday. I doubt she even thinks about my weight. She is generally a really nice person. doesn't matter if I did only eat the roast beef in front of her, I still ate an entire lunch beforehand and essentially lied to her and mostly to myself! Yes, I used to do stuff like that all the time...."snack" ALL the time [although the snacks weren't very small]. IT's not about her....why would I do that to myself? Ewww, gross! Yes, I was very hungry, but I'm sure a sandwich would have been fine and what about a small salad to go with it? I really want to get over this cold/sinus whatever and get back on track. This is just disgusting and I feel horrible [physically] because I'm not eating well. We'll see what happens. My husband just told me that we have basically $200 to last us until he gets paid again. I don't get paid until Jan. 20th. That isn't going to be enough for groceries, a trip to my parents and Christmas gifts for them and my brother, gas to Springfield and pay the doctor for my son's check up. Grrrrrr! I go to work at 7:30 and work until 5 then run home feed the kids before running to do something else (church, babysit for volleyball, whatever...) is his art just not paying or is he not working like he should? It's very irritating. (Also because, he got his mom and sister gifts but then "ran out of money" by the time it was time to buy for my family. Yes, mine are generally more well off, but still...and yes, his mother watches my youngest for us, but let me tell you she extracts plenty of payment in guilt! (sorry, I must have a really bad attitude tonight...I'm very tired physically and emotionally and tired of being sick.)

Seriously, time to cut the soda and walk on that treadmill. Does anyone listen to the SparkPeople podcasts? I was thinking about downloading some. I get tired of music and audio books all the time and would like something "non-fiction" that might help me and motivate me.

I'm wishing you all the very best and a very Merry Christmas. (I really do want all of you to do well!!!) :)


Daniel Plan and lots of other stuff.... (Part 1)

Friday, December 20, 2013

First off, my husband came home the other night saying that he wants us to think about trying the Daniel plan. Our church did the Daniel fast last year (I did not participate.) and the pastor and a few others want to try this. I'm nervous. I'm not against eating healthy. I just want to be able to choose my own healthy food and cook it the way I like. I feel too constricted if I try to follow a "diet plan." I'm probably throwing this way out of proportion, but I like to do my own thing. With that being said, I look online endlessly for 1200-1500 calorie plans. Ha! I guess I just don't like to be locked down. I like ideas, not restrictions. However, I don't know anything about this plan so I can't really say anything negative yet.

I am tired. I am tired emotionally and physically. I fell asleep looking at my phone tonight. It was the whole, "drop the phone while drooling" kind of a sleep. I woke up not too long after and found out that my two girls were asleep. One is sick, but I think the other one is worn out too. Back before Thanksgiving, I passed out a couple of times and woke up wedged against my desk and later my bathroom vanity. Needless to say, my neck/shoulders were WAY out of whack. They are still stiff, but I have gained back quite a bit of range of motion. Then I got sick. Not throwing up, but flu-like and then it was severe congestion and a sinus infection. I'm almost over it with only coughing left. It feels like there is a feather in my throat/chest that is constantly tickling me. It's more annoying than anything.

They have gotten me some help at school which is really nice. It's only one 1/2 day a week, but it is amazing what little bit that really does help. I think that I'm starting to see a little break on the horizon. I'm still really swamped, but I think it's getting manageable.

Now, to think about weight loss.....

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOFLLAMA 12/20/2013 11:09AM

    Have you seen the Veggie Tales 'Daniel'? I just thought about 'Thanks for the pizza'!

What is 'The Daniel Plan'?

Comment edited on: 12/20/2013 11:10:17 AM

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LOFLLAMA 12/20/2013 11:08AM

    Oh, you poor girl! I'm so glad your winter break is coming soon!!! I'm really looking forward to talking to you. I love you & have missed you.

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