Sunday, May 27, 2012
So today was my weigh in day and I hit 200.4 lbs (from 337). Seeing that nice round number, that heralded entering the 100's soon, inspired me to take my measurements, which I hadn't done in 6 months. Here they are:
4/26/11 6/30/11 11/7/11 5/27/12
Waist: 51" 49.5" 46" 40.5
Hip: ? 57.75 54 46.75
Thigh: 32 31.25 29 25.5
Bust: 55.5 55.5 50 43.5
Neck: ? 16 15.5 14
Upper Arm: 16.5 ? 15.25 13.25
I looked at these numbers and I started to cry. I remember that miserable woman who was in so much pain, so sick, so depressed, so lonely and ashamed... I am so glad I had the surgery, I truly had given up hope that I would ever get here. Sure I would fantasies about being at my goal weight but it never seemed like it could be a reality.
It's so easy to get caught up in negative things (it's almost a year and I'm still 30-40 lbs from my goal, all my loose skin seems to be going to my belly, my boobs are really saggy...). But this gave me a much needed reality check, I am SO much better off then a year ago. I don't hurt all the time, I can run!, I breath and sleep and feel so much better. I don't get as many migraines, I went form a size 26/28 pant to a 16/18, I don't worry about getting stuck in small spaces or braking a chair by sitting in it... the list goes on and on.
I'm still working on reaching my goal but I realized that if I staid at this weight forever a could be happy and feel so very blessed. I still dream of fitting a size 14 or 12 pant and maybe getting a tummy tuck but I could really, truly *LIVE* with myself as I am now, were as before I was really just existing.
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
So things are pretty tight for me this month. The 2 short term/extra income jobs I thought I had lined up this month and was counting on never materialized. Needless to say the larder is pretty bare since this is about the fourth month in a row that I haven't been able to buy more then the basics and replenish the emergency stores. Don't get my wrong, I wont starve before the end of the month, I really don't eat that much now as I did in the passed, but I have recently noticed that when my "emergency" food (canned beans, tuna, condensed soup, frozen veg, etc) start to really disappear I get very anxious/ uncomfortable. I have trouble relaxing and I notice I often tend to have anxiety dreams when it gets this empty.
I don't remember ever going hungry as a child, it's not like I lived through a famine. Sure meals where pretty inconsistent and my parents almost never cooked but I don't remember going hungry. Although I do seem to have repressed a significant amount of the time around when my mom and dad where braking up....
So where exactly is this anxiety coming from? Is it just about the fact that it means I'm broke? Lack of money causes it's own worry. Is it that I've run out of my favorite things? Is it something deeper? A loss of control of my habitat? I'm very protective of my personal space I get nervous when people I don't really trust come into my little home (needless to say I don't entertain much. ). Is that it? Is it just that I feel unprepared?
Even though I *know* I'm not going to go hungry and that there is enough food to last even if my check comes late next month, I can still feel the tension rising in my body when I think about the state of the cupboards, I feel my heartbeat increase and the muscles of my neck and shoulders tense, I feel like a turtle trying to pull it's head back into it's shell. And I'm restless, I can't really get out as much when I'm broke (there are free entertainment things going on in the summer so it's not as bad now). I find myself pacing around feeling trapped. Part of it is the lack of financial security I know, but part of it is definitely the food situation for sure.
Does anyone else fell like this or am I just that screwed up?
Tuesday, May 22, 2012
So this morning I had a really hard time getting myself up and moving. I've been feeling tired and run down and I have a cold sore which usually means my body is trying to fight something off (or I've just got another tattoo ) . So there was my excuse right there, I can skip the gym so I can rest and keep from getting sick... I almost gave in, I probably would have if today wasn't the only day my local YMCA had a Pilates class, I really wish they had at least 2, but no, today was the only day. I love this class and I knew if I missed it I would be kicking myself later. So I told myself "It's OK, just go to the class, do the best you can, and you can skip the weight training you usually do after. Just go to the class." So I did. I even walked the 7 blocks to the Y because I couldn't face having to juggle all my riding gear when I got there. Somehow I did one of my best classes so far, the instructor even complemented me. Then I was feeling so good that I went to the weight room. Admittedly it was a much briefer visit then I usually make but I got some good upper body work in as well as some squats. Then I walked the 7 blocks back home . I was really tired once I got back and I decided to take it easy for the rest of the day because, hey, my body's genuinely trying to fight something off.
However, I was so inspired by the fact that I made myself get going, that I spent the rest of my 'down day' browsing through the SparkPeople Recipes and putting together a menu/shopping list for next week. Believe me I am not one to plan meals in advance, I usually like to leave myself open to whatever I crave at the time. But today I realized that as long as I picked a few healthy appetizing meals and got the required groceries in for them, I didn't have to set a specific day, I could just pick from the list as I wanted. I think this Idea of choosing a selection of meals and not assigning a date will really help me to eat healthier without getting board of feeling like I'm trapped in an elementary school cafeteria (look it's mystery meat and soggy salad day!), especially since most of the recipes I saved will do well if I freeze the leftovers in single portions and save them for when things get really hectic again.
See you next time.
Saturday, May 19, 2012
Yeah so I haven't made a blog post in almost two years, but in that time my whole life and weight loss journey has changed. At the end of June 2011 I had the RNY gastric by-pass surgery and it was the best decision of my life. As of last Sunday I am 207 lbs. meaning I have lost 130 lbs. exactly and I feel wonderful. I have already passed the surgeon goal for me, which was 220 lbs., and I am on my way to my own goal of between 175 and 165 lbs. I'm 6 ft. tall and that is in the upper middle part of my weight range.
Yesterday was a good day, walked 4 miles with the dog, consumed just shy of 1200 cals (remember I have a tiny stomach now), and 84 grms. of protein close to my daily goal of 90 grms. Unfortunately my fat and cholesterol count was higher then preferred so I'll try for a little more fruit and veg and a little less cheese today.
So here is a set of before and after pic's, the before is from New Years Eve 2010 @ 337 lbs my highest weight. The after is from New Years Eve 2011 so I've lost another 40 lbs. since then, I'll try to get an updated one soon.
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