Saturday, February 25, 2012
Been using the Lose It! app on my Fire to track calories. I don't care for the SparkPeople app (no offense) and can't use it at work since we don't have wifi there (which sucks). I like Lose It... I just need to track every day instead of a few days a week.
Things have just been rough here (see previous blog) and I'm having a tough time getting to a happy place, mentally. I just feel apathetic and lethargic and tired of trying. I know I need to push through...even a small change in the scale can make a big difference in my mental attitude.
Resolving to do better this weekend.
Downloaded some free daily workout apps to my Fire as well, so far I have only tried the arms but I liked it! I dl'ed arms, butt, leg, and ab... can choose from 5, 7.5, or 10 minute workouts, so it's perfect. Going to try to do some each day even if it's just the 5 minute versions of each. Back in the gym this week, too...at least 4 days.
Friday, February 24, 2012
so...last night, I almost walked out on my husband. the only thing that kept me from leaving was my son- I know if I tried to leave with him, Joe would fight me on it and I don't want to go through a huge court battle. I'm just not happy being married to him anymore. I don't know how to explain it, really. It's just not working for me. He's a good man, and a good father, and although he has his vices (unemployment, drinking, chewing tobacco), he still loves me and treats me way better than I treat him. Last night he just pushed me a little too far, and he didn't even really do anything. His daughter was being a huge brat and he didn't know how to deal with it- instead he sat on the couch drinking beer and letting me be the bad guy, and it just made me so annoyed. Then when he decided to remove the splint on his broken hand, even after being told not to by the doctor, I snapped. I'm basically married to a teenager, it feels like. And there's very little physical affection- we give each other short kisses but that's it. No sex, no anything. It's my fault. I'm not attracted to someone I view as an irresponsible kid. Why would I want to act like I was?
The truth is, I've been trying to get HIM to leave for the past.... I don't know. Year? 6 months, at least. I guess so I don't have to be the one who ended things...so I don't have to bear that guilt or that burden. I love Joe, he's my best friend, but marriage to him is nothing like what I imagined it would be and I just am... not in love at the moment.
After telling him that I wanted to divorce, he got, understandably, very angry. But can I really be expected to stay in a terrible marriage just to keep his feelings from getting hurt? I didn't think so. But divorce is a big decision and requires a lot of time and money and, in the best cases, amicable behavior between spouses, and I knew I wasn't going to get that- I know he'd do whatever he could to make my life crap after I left him.
So... I talked to him about trying marriage counseling BEFORE we decide if divorce really is the right choice. I know that I need it. I need to figure out why I can't bring myself to be affectionate with him. I need to learn ways to deal with the frustration he's causing me. I need to learn ways to talk to him without starting a fight or having an attitude. I do love him still. He's the only one I ever felt a desperate need to be with, and I want to get that feeling back- I want to be in love. I want us to work together to grow and repair our marriage but I know I need to take the first step because really, I'm the one with the problem. He still loves me, finds me beautiful and sexy (I think...he called me fat and ugly more than once last night), doesn't want to leave me or lose me.
I'm scared, though. I'm nervous about doing something I've never done before. I'm scared of the judgement. I'm afraid couseling won't help. Today I have to just face the fear and make the phone call though. And see, I guess.
Thursday, February 09, 2012
This week...hasn't been great. We're baking all week at work and I've been eating TOO much. It's hard to resist though when I love baking and eating baked deliciousness... I know I should just say no, but I'm still bad when it comes to willpower. I also haven't been counting calories like I should be.
The class I took on Saturday caused me to be sore until yesterday. I didn't go to the gym on Monday or Tuesday. I went yesterday but only for about 30 minutes... it was very crowded and some girl was hovering waiting for me to get off the treadmill....super awkward!
Yesterday was great fun in the evening, it was Girls' Night! Six of us from work went out to Applebee's, so it involved a lot of fried foods (mozzarella sticks... I was dying for them!) and on my part, two alcoholic drinks- more than I've had since getting pregnant. So needless to say I'm sure my weight is up a bit... yesterday I did check the scale and was NOT pleased.
So today, I am getting back on track. I'm really tired of doing well for the first few weeks and then crashing and burning. So I'm making up my mind to just do better. I'm going to do South Beach for a few days- cut out the carbs and sugar, up my water intake, and spend at least 45 minutes at the gym today. Lots of high-energy cardio is what I need!!
Anyway, just made an egg beater and mushroom omelet for breakfast and it needs to go in the microwave for a few minutes, still a tad too runny for me (I refuse to eat runny eggs!). Off I go! Today will be better, I think I can, I think I can, I KNOW I can!
Sunday, February 05, 2012
Ok, ok...they don't button without much sucking in and they definitely aren't wearable yet, BUT it's been a long time since I've fit into my size 16 jeans (it's been since getting preggo!) and I am proud of myself for slowly getting back to a smaller size. My 18s (my current pair) are quite loose and when I walk they tend to slowly fall off, so I tried on a pair of 16s on a whim today. A month ago they wouldn't even come close to buttoning, so I'm beyond happy that they buttoned and zipped today!
My 18s are only a snug fit if they've just been washed, and since I only wash jeans after a few wears (unless of course they get dirty), they've been mostly loose on me. I luckily have a job where I can wear sweatpants and such to work, but it's still nice to have jeans. I am in need of new sweats since I've been working out more, but fortunately I have a few nice pairs of smaller jeans in the closet just waiting to be worn, so I won't have to go shopping for them soon. I'm confident that with a few more weeks of doing what I've been doing (and trying to add a little more), I'll be out of these 18s for good!
I remember when I was a size 10/12 and felt like I was big... now I'm just happy to be working my way down into smaller sizes again.
So, pants buttoning- a cool, happy thing.
Another cool, happy thing: I had my hubby help me take my measurements again last night for the first time since I rejoined SP.com back in August. I've lost almost 18 inches- 3 in my waist, 1.5 in my upper arms, 1.75 in my hips, and 11 in my thighs. You read that right- ELEVEN INCHES off my thunder thighs!! I am in disbelief but my tracker says that in August I entered in 36 inches for my thighs, and yesterday they were 25 inches. I re-measured today and got the same results, so I'm thrilled! My gut/hips/thighs are my biggest problem areas AND insecurities so to actually have evidence that my thighs are getting smaller is wonderful.
I'm bad at remembering to measure, but I'm going to try to do it every month from here on out!
In fitness news, yesterday I finally went to the Butts and Guts class I've been wanting to try. and
OH. MY. GOD.
My entire body hurts today. It hurts to sit. It hurts to stand. It hurts to move my neck (I think I actually strained it a bit). But, in a way, it feels sooo good. To know I really got an awesome workout that is going to help me transform my body if I stick with it. I went with a coworker and met a another coworker's sister there, and I will be definitely going back next week. In fact, I even talked to my hubby about coming with me next week...he can either take the class or do his own thing in the gym. He sounded interested so maybe family workouts will become something of a reality soon, which would be great.
He's been telling me that I look smaller and that my butt is starting to look nicer (I have a total pancake bum) and rounder. Nice things to hear even though I still have a hard time accepting and believing them!
Anyway, right now I'm putting off writing a paper for class so I'm off to work on it.
Thursday, February 02, 2012
am I alone in the mentality that people do have the ability to make you want to lose weight in order to sort of get back at them for being jerks? lol
I'm really annoyed, for some reason, at the fact that a girl that I thought was a close friend has basically abandoned me after promising me that she'd be my workout buddy two weeks ago. We only worked out twice and now she's not answering my invitations to meet at the gym or inviting me to work out with her in the evenings which is when she chooses to go. I had stressed the necessity of a workout buddy (for me, it just makes the gym more fun and makes it much easier for me to stay on track- if someone is meeting me, I feel committed to go work out) and she totally seemed to understand and now she's just treating me like I'm invisible.
I blogged a bit about it in my last blog, and I KNOW logically that it shouldn't bother me, but it really does. I have been so good to this girl, giving her virtually all of my son's hand-me-downs that were in decent shape when her baby boy was born in October, letting her into my personal world, and it's just frustrating that one out of the two people I thought I'd really found friendship with up here in New Hampshire turned out to be a total flake. It's not just the gym... she breaks dinner plans all the time, has been planning her wedding IN FRONT OF ME with another friend of ours who is her MOH, and despite telling me she wanted me to be a bridesmaid, has still not asked me or asked for my input about the wedding... it's like she doesn't realize that I'm a person who has FEELINGS.
It's so frustrating because the other friend (the MOH) is in my classroom at work and talks about Amy (the flake) all the time. "Amy and I went shopping", "Amy and I did a cake testing", "Amy and I went to Zumba", "Amy wants me to go to Tae-Bo with her tonight" and ON AND ON... it's like she doesn't realize that at the same time she's doing all these things, Amy is completely ignoring my texts and facebook messages.
In a truly, truly childish move I posted on my Facebook today that I was looking for a gym buddy- "someone who won't change their plans and will actually commit to meeting me every day". I did block Amy from seeing it but I shouldn't...
I have decided that I'm not going to really interact with her anymore. Spencer's hand-me-downs can go to someone else. Friendship is totally a two-way street and she has proven that I'm not important enough to include in her life, so it's on her. I know that back home in PA I have real friends that I can count on no matter what, and even though I'm away from them I still cherish that.
Back to revenge... since Amy's totally punked out on me, it actually is a silent motivator for me to do a better job and lose more weight... just so if she finally does want to meet me at the gym I can say "Oh, no thanks, I'm okay on my own, I've already lost X pounds since you decided not to work out with me in the afternoons"...
TOTALLY CHILDISH, I know... but satisfying.
I really, truly hate flaky people. When I make a friend, I try to be the best friend to them I can be, and I just haven't found that with anyone here in NH. Bummer.
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