Sunday, June 30, 2013
Well, today is the last day of June, my 27th birthday, and the end of the worst month I've had in a long time. The drama with Joe, the heartbreak with Mike, the constant pain and sickness I've felt whenever I eat... it has been exhausting and tiring and I am ready to be done with this month.
Last night Mike texted me happy birthday, and when I asked why he wouldn't talk to me about anything, he told me we had nothing to talk about and it was "not a good idea" for us to talk. I asked how he could have just stopped caring and his response was: "I didn't stop caring. I'm not a robot. I can't just turn my feelings on and off."... I just don't know what to make of it. I basically told him that if he didn't love me, or if he had fallen for someone else, to just tell me, and I would let him be. His response to that was basically to get defensive, as if the idea of him falling for someone else was ridiculous. But he still wouldn't talk to me, and when I pressed him about just telling me if he no longer cared, he didn't reply. I wish I wasn't so caught up on him, because I feel like he is playing games, but I cannot help it. There is just something about him that I am drawn to, regardless of how he's behaving.
I went out with friends of mine last night and had a great time, so I was slightly tipsy when Mike and I were texting- not that he was doing much of that. He wouldn't answer my calls or anything... it's heartbreaking that he can just ignore me this way. I know I have to move on, let go, and focus on myself. But damn, it's hard. It's been a long time since I've felt this sort of love for someone...
I have much to blog about but right now, I just want to zone out. My birthday celebrations wore me out last night and really I just want to sleep. Spencer is sick, cranky, and refuses to sleep even though he keeps saying he wants to nap...
Monday, June 24, 2013
In short, this weekend was terrible. Seems to be a trend in my life lately.
1) my grandmother was taken to the hospital with really high blood pressure, tested, and released with it still being high. She has already had one stroke and is high risk for another, so...worried about her all weekend.
2) I'm really nervous about court on Thursday, and have been stressed about it all weekend
3) Still feeling sick most of the time
4) Our parakeet is injured and possibly dying- he is 11 years old. :(
5) Mike sent me this text yesterday: "I'm just done. I can't deal with this nonsense anymore. You are such a sweet person but you get into these moods that I just can't understand. Good for two weeks and then BAM! I'm just not like that. At all. I'm generally a happy person and well, you're just not." (this was basically in response to me being stressed and worried about everything...we spoke on Saturday and this is the result I guess. So much for him caring and loving me.)
So, basically, I've been heartbroken, worried, stressed, tired... I just want to cry but I am fighting to remain strong. Especially about Mike, because I know logically that it was nothing more than a shot in the dark to begin with... it just hurts to feel so strongly for someone, and to be told how much they care, only to find out that when you really need them, they want nothing to do with you.
Ok, signing off before I cry. I didn't at all yesterday and I sure as hell don't want to start now.
I didn't lose weight this week, but didn't gain either, and barely exercised... so, that is what it is.
Monday, June 17, 2013
Well, I'm down a solid 2 pounds since last week's weigh-in...even with a weekend of not so great choices (Friday, all day, was just NOT a diet day). I'm STILL feeling sick when I eat so my sister recommended writing everything I eat down and making a note of if I feel sick, and when so I can see if there's a pattern of foods triggering it. Mike thinks I have Crohn's disease because his roommate does and had a similar stomach issue before diagnosis. I think it's mostly mental because I really want to succeed at the weight-loss this time around...it's like my brain has decided that if I eat something moderately off my plan I should suffer. Uncool, brain, uncool.
I -haven't- been feeling sick at work, which is where I do most of my dieting; last week I brought eggs for breakfast most days, salad for lunch, and lots of fruit and veggies- a few carbs here and there, and usually a cheese stick and a yogurt. So maybe it really is those bad processed foods (even though I'm trying to not eat too many) and carbs at home. Yesterday it started when we had pigs in a blanket as an appetizer... then I barely ate any dinner. Even though my tummy hurt I ate dessert (because I made it!) and honestly, I already felt icky so why not.
These stomachaches aren't passing quickly, either, so it's not just from being over-full. They literally will last the rest of the day. So, this week I'm going to start food journaling again and see if it helps.
I have been terrible about my workouts although I try to sneak in some squats or abs here and there. Haven't T-Tapped since Thursday, I think. I will get back on track, it's just been hard to do anything when I feel so ill. Saturday I literally spent all afternoon and most of the evening sitting on the couch. I just couldn't function.
Anyway, yesterday I didn't have a chance to pack up my lunch so I've got to throw together my salad, etc. and get ready for work. Camp starts today for us and I think I'm only going to have about 7 students as half my class moved to the next room (Spencer's class). Should hopefully be an easy day.
Happy Monday, Sparkies!
Wednesday, June 12, 2013
not sleeping yet! I didn't T-Tapp last night, to be honest I completely forgot and I thought about doing it around midnight but opted instead to do a few (thirty) sit-ups and some (ten) leg lifts before getting in bed. So I need to do it RIGHT after typing this blog or I probably won't and I'll be mad at myself 'cause after all it's only 15 minutes and I know I'm not going to bed right now anyway so it'd be fifteen minutes I'd just be sitting around doing nothing important during. LOL.
I've been restricting my carb intake and am down just about two pounds since Monday. Not counting it, but nice to see the scale moving down. I don't miss the carbs terribly, I still haven't had too much of an appetite. I had a small plate of spaghetti for dinner last night and that was enough. I've been bringing salads, fruit, yogurt, and cheese to work mostly. I ate a bag of trail mix yesterday and a bag of beef jerky the night before... I do need to work on portion control. It's just so easy to snack mindlessly! Today I've peed about 15 times.... I've had three full liters of water and a bottle of Nantucket Nectar juice, but I had coffee this morning which always seems to shrink my poor lil' bladder. Haha. Sorry, TMI?
Anyway, my arms are fat- what can I do?? I have no weights here at home right now. I know they'll slim down as my entire body does, but I want them toned and sexy too... Help, Sparkies!
I'm off to Tapp! G'night all!
Sunday, June 09, 2013
I finally, finally started up T-Tapp again tonight. It's funny how the workout just comes right back to me as I listen to the DVD (obviously not really watching it as I'm busy moving around). MY GOAL is to do the 15 minute workout every day AT LEAST ONCE (but hopefully twice- in the morning before work and at night before bed) for 30 days. In addition to, of course, cardio and basic strength training stuff. I need to type out my workout schedule so I can post it in my room or bathroom. I went shopping for healthy groceries today- didn't get too much as I didn't have a list and didn't want to impulse buy. Tomorrow's lunchbox is filled with:
-a (normal sized, not jumbo) slice of cut-up ham
-a container of salad with tomato, mushroom, and black olives (we were seriously low on veg, which I didn't know)
-a non-fat yogurt
-a baggie of strawberries
-an 80 calorie cheese stick
-a hard boiled egg
I think that's it. If I have time tomorrow for making breakfast, I'll scramble some egg beaters with Canadian bacon to take with me, if not, I'll eat the fruit and yogurt and chew gum to keep myself from snacking! My mom's driving me tomorrow so my dad can work on my car at his shop, so I won't be able to go to the gym, but if the weather is nice I'll take a walk on my break. There's a development with sidewalks right next to the school so that'll be easy to do.
Anyway, time to get ready for bed. I took starting progress pics, will post them in 30 days with the 30 day pics. I'll also try to get measurements tomorrow as those are definitely recommended when doing T-Tapp...one of her mottos is "Inches count, pounds don't!" which is fine by me. As long as I'm getting smaller.
The weird bulimic urge to vomit after eating is still lurking. This morning I had half a muffin and could barely keep it down. Lunch was fine, I ate a few chicken nuggets and honestly I can't remember what else. I had a few mini-muffins throughout the morning that I baked for Spencer to take to school and those were okay. I can't even recall if I ate anything for dinner as my parents went out to eat.... oh well. I'm not hungry and that's what counts I guess. I hate the nausea though and I don't know where it's coming from! (And no, I am MOST DEFINITELTY NOT PREGNANT- I have an estranged husband AND an IUD so that's not even remotely an option unless I'm a religious miracle.)
Off I go. Told Mike I'd call him. We're back into our normal groove finally. :)
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