Friday, June 07, 2013
I've decided to keep this short and sweet. Not really any sense delving into every single detail... it would just mean reliving a lot of unpleasantness and a super long blog.
First... Mike and I had a bit of a falling out, things have smoothed over but the friendship seems a little different now. I sort of get the sense that I'm bothering him, or that he doesn't quite feel the same attachment that he did prior to the initial argument. I'm not sure what will become of us as friends at this point, he just seems distant and even a little rude and sarcastic. He used to be extremely sweet, and I haven't seen that in a while. I don't know, maybe this is just a side of his personality I hadn't had the chance to experience before. I'm willing to take good with the bad but at the same time, I think I'm starting to realize it's best not to get my hopes up about him right now.
Secondly and much more importantly... my visit to NH was, in short, terrible. Joe ended up threatening me with a rifle as well as physically assaulting Spencer and I when I tried to leave the house (pulling at Spencer to try to get him away from me, etc.). Thankfully friends of mine were there trying to load a desk into a car (my parents and sister had left for lunch against my wishes) and they were able to phone the police. Three state troopers and four hours later we finally left my old home with Joe having been arrested and taken to jail and me being issued a temporary order of protection. This happened Sunday. Monday morning I had to go to court and apply for an extended order of protection and also heard Joe's arraignment- he is being held on several charges with a 5,000 cash bail. Everything has been really draining and just mentally... difficult to wrap my head around. I was resolute in my resolve to leave Joe and file for divorce, and I know that the restraining order will, in the end, be beneficial for me and Spencer, but it's hard to sort of accept that the father of my child is in jail and won't be able to see or talk to his child for what will likely be a year if not longer. I have to go back to NH for a final court hearing on June 27th where they will grant me the final order. Joe will likely be there so I'm conflicted and nervous. I didn't want this to happen, but he brought it on himself- just one charge after another because he couldn't manage to stay sober for a day. It's heartbreaking on so many levels.
Anyway. I'm off to bed. Finally have a chance to get some decent sleep.
Thursday, June 06, 2013
My life has been insane. I will blog about it in detail at another point in time. For now, I'm just going to refocus my efforts on my diet and exercise. I need a grocery run before I can really get into the thick of my diet, but tomorrow I'm hoping to hit the gym. Tonight I'm just too tired and have some unpacking to do from our trip to NH this past weekend. But my plan is:
-limit/eliminate carbs, starches, and unnatural sugars and processed foods (will obviously not happen overnight, but by the end of the month I plan to be eating primarily South Beach/Paleo)
-drink at least 4 liters of water daily
-count calories EVERY DAY for EVERYTHING
- do a T-Tapp Basic Workout (15 minutes) daily
- 20 minute "lunch break" workout at the gym 3 times a week
- 1 hour (or more) evening workout at gym 3 times a week
- strength training at home: abs, arms, legs, and butt- at least one area daily
I mapped out a calendar for the month starting tomorrow and my minimum fitness minutes for the month goal is 1000 minutes! If I go over, awesome. Being under isn't an option, hehe. I need to get my ass into gear. I am NOT spending my 27th year overweight and unhappy!!! (My 27th birthday is the last day of June )
Wednesday, June 05, 2013
I am alive! This weekend I will post a long blog about what has been going on in my life...too much to do now. Just really wanted to check in!
Took a long walk with my best friend tonight, heart rate monitor tracked it as 275 cals burnt.
Thursday, May 30, 2013
I can't sleep. I think that whatever was going on with Mike and I has come to an end, already. I don't even know how other than that I brought it about. By being my usual crazy, jealous, self. I just.... hurt. I can't even cry, although ordinarily I would. I feel like something really good has been taken from me and it's my fault and I don't even have the right to be emotional about it at this stage of the game. I deleted my account on the site we used for chatting (not a dating site) and I can only hope in a few days he'll call or text and we can sort through this. Regardless of whether or not it eventually becomes a relationship, he has been a great friend and I really, really enjoyed having him in my life. I'm going through so much now with Joe and I'm just feeling overwhelmingly attached to Mike and it was...well, not good, I guess, for me to be feeling that way...so I started a fight and drove him away. I pretty much hate myself. I am the worst sort of woman. Catty, jealous, petty, and insecure... no wonder he isn't fighting to keep me around.
I'm feeling... empty.
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