Monday, December 17, 2012
blah. I've caught the cold that's been circling around my classroom and it's making me feel like poop. I'm off to bed after I write this, in fact. Drank almost an entire bottle (like... the big size) of OJ today. I've been taking OTC meds but nothing has really helped. The cold just set in yesterday but it's already wearing me out. Blahhh. I didn't go to the gym today, as I felt like crap and I took a very late break.
We did go to the gym on Saturday and I did pretty well running at intervals on the treadmill...got up to a 4.2 on my fastest interval. I ran for a song, then walked at a quick pace for a song, and kept going for a half hour. I like doing the intervals that way because I don't totally exhaust myself but still push myself and get a decent workout. I really need to try to get back into the gym at least a few days this week.
This weekend I baked (and ate) too many cookies. And just deleted two paragraphs of this going into detail about the baking, soooo... moving on. lol.
I've started thinking about resolutions for the new year. Obviously, reaching my weight loss goal is the most important. I'm really pissed at myself for letting yet another year pass without any major success. But, dwelling about the should haves and could haves of life isn't going to get me anywhere. So, I'm moving forward and thinking positive about the coming year.
I need to pick a diet plan and stick with it. I jump back and forth between what I think will work for me, but never really give anything TIME to work. At this point, I don't know if simply counting calories is what I need. Lower-carb has worked for me in the past, but I have a hard time maintaining it. I need to really think about this and make a commitment to one style of eating. So this is sort of a pre-new years' resolution.
I also need to focus more on making myself feel good about myself, regardless of my current weight and shape. Little things like taking the time to do my makeup in the morning and wear nail polish really make me feel more attractive and put together. Today I was doing a bit of online window shopping on Torrid's website and I decided I really need to try to be a bit more fashionable (I am a very boring dresser!) I never really tried to be fashion-forward because of my weight. I don't know how to dress my shape. My mom is slim and we never had similar fashion sense. My sister is heavier and taller, and she dresses plain for the most part- owns a lot of black! So I never had someone who really dressed well to look to for pointers. I guess I need to figure it out on my own! I feel like dressing a little nicer will help me feel better about myself in general.
Anyway... I'm ready for bed. Hoping to feel a bit better tomorrow... might have to head to town early and stop for more OJ! :)
Thursday, December 13, 2012
Joe checked the balance on all our credit cards (none of which have a limit higher thann 500) and combined we have 212 dollars to use if we really need to. Plus I get paid tonight at midnight...hopefully I'm getting some overtime-could really use it!
I've decided to cancel my dental insurance through work. Basically... I've been to the dentist in the past year, no cavities but I have some sensitive spots on my teeth that using a strong floride toothpaste should help with. I need to get more of the toothpaste, but other than that, I really don't need dental coverage right now. And it's over $40 a month that, let's face it, we could use. I get free health and life insurance through work, the kids are covered by the state, and while Joe doesn't have insurance, he can file for financial assistance with the hospital and get free coverage for most of their services if need be. His prescriptions that he takes daily aren't that expensive to refill either.
This weekend my plan is to regroup and refocus my efforts on my health. Tonight I have homework due that I've not even started, tomorrow I don't have anything going on after work. On Saturday Chloe's not going to her mom's until 2:30, so we have most of the day with her. I need to do some Christmas shopping for my secret santas at work- I have a Walmart gift card I'll probably use, and I'm going to do some baking so I can give cookies out to coworkers too.
I'm stressed, but I'm trying to see the positives. Life will be okay.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
I am feeling so downhearted about life. Money is extremely tight, the stress level is making Joe and I argue a lot, my diet has been sucking, I haven't been to the gym in over a week even though it's literally RIGHT UPSTAIRS since I work at the Y. I just can't get it together.
I have, however, recognized one of the problems. My coworker/friend "L." Now, don't get me wrong, because I'm not blaming her entirely. But I've noticed a trend. She comes in to work, gives me a K-Cup for coffee. I make coffee with sugar and cream. Now on a daily basis- used to drink only a cup or two every week. So, right there I'm starting my mornings in a pretty unhealthy way. Other issues I've noticed are that when she's eating something junky (usually) it makes me crave it and I search my classroom for something to satisfy- which nothing does, so I snack more. She is extremely kind to me and always offers to buy lunch when she's in the mood for something other than what she packed. She also picks me up snacks frequently- the other day she bought me a milkshake, bag of beef jerky, and a big bag of Cheetos- all at the same time! She doesn't drive, so some days she'll go on about how she'd like a snack, and I'll run to the gas station (just a minute away) on my break and inevitably buy myself something, too. The list of ways I've gone off track since she started in my room goes on, and on, and on...
Now, she is a great friend and very kind and generous. Not denying that AT ALL. BUT my inabilitiy to say no to her is really hindering my efforts. When I do say no, she pesters until I relent. I need to start sticking up for myself. Yes, some days a treat is nice. But it cannot be every day. I also don't like her spending so much money on me. I never have cash and neither does she, so she puts everything on her credit/debit card. She is very quick to spend money and I don't really have money to pay her back. She never asks for payment, but I feel terrible not being able to return her money.
I think I need to have a serious heart-to-heart with her. I don't know why but it seems like she maybe doesn't want me to succeed. She is tall, about 4 inches taller than me, and not skinny but because of her height she doesn't look as lumpy as I do (she looks like her stomach is flat, I look like I'm still pregnant). I know she doesn't have the most positive body image (neither do I!) but I've never heard her talk about wanting to lose weight. The closest she came was trying C25K one day a week or so ago. Didn't stick with it even though she's said she wants to "learn to run." But I just can't imagine why she'd want me to fail. She always tells me I don't need to lose weight, I'm not too fat, etc, but still.... I can't see that she'd want me to remain unhappy. She's not that sort of person. So, I think I need to really talk to her about why -I- need to eat healthier at work. If she wants to continue snacking and whatnot, that's fine, but I can't be part of it.
Anyway... I felt motivated for about .35745 seconds tonight, but it went away. Now I just want to go to bed early.
Tuesday, December 11, 2012
i'm back at my starting weight. no idea why. yesterday wasn't that high on calories, at least, I didn't think so. I'm getting so frustrated...just not in the mood to deal with this anymore. maybe I should just accept my fat.
except, I don't want that. "accepting" who I am instead of changing to become who I want to be just isn't an okay solution to this problem, for me. I need to find another way...
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