Monday, August 13, 2012
today I have work, then at 3 pm I need to go to an appointment to get Chloe registered for preschool (we are hoping she gets approved for the Head Start program in town). I also have to pick up WIC vouchers before 4 pm which is luckily just down the hallway from where I'm going for Head Start. Then at 6 I'm meeting my girlfriends at Appleebes for a goodbye dinner for the assistant in my classroom who is moving to Boston in a week. I'm really sad she's leaving but I know this is her dream. I'm either going to eat before I go or have a house salad... really not in the mood to screw up my diet any more than I did this weekend.
Slept on the couch last night... still mad at Joe for his behavior which I know I need to get over so we can work on making things right. It's just so frustrating because it happens so much, he's apologetic and swears he's not going to drink, then does it all over again a month later.
We both got low-limit Capital One cards in the mail the other day to use for emergencies and building our credit. We agreed to only use them once a month. My monthly purchase was my contacts as I am out, and it cost $96. My limit is $500. While Joe was drunk he spent $175, his limit is $300. I was so furious that I contacted the one company (the Colts Pro Shop) and cancelled a $75 order he placed for some shirts. Luckily they were on back order and hadn't been shipped yet so cancelling was easy. And I am making him come up with the $100 to pay off what else he owes, it's NOT coming from my paycheck. He is so irresponsible when he drinks and it's time I stopped enabling him.
Anyway, despite it still being that time of the month and my crappy weekend, I'm off to face the scale. Wish me luck!!
Sunday, August 12, 2012
since Friday I have been off track. Joe and I have been fighting and he's just passed out from a drinking binge that started yesterday... he's about 21 beers in right now. He's asleep and hopefully he will not start drinking again when he wakes up. He needs help...but I know he won't admit that.
We've been talking of divorce. I know on his part it's motivated by the alcohol but.... maybe it's time. I love my husband, but this is not a healthy way for either of us to live...constant fights, no sex life, basic disregard for the other's feelings and wishes... we are in a volatile cycle that neither of us knows how to break.
I am going to look into counseling for myself. I have issues I need to work out. I'd like to do marriage counseling but right now... I need to focus on myself. I have felt detached from Joe for.... a year and a half now. I thought with time things would improve, instead it has just made the detachment easier and made any act of affection seem like a lie. I love Joe very much but I have some sort of problem with expressing any positive emotion with him, and I don't know why. I just know right now there's no spark, I can't act like a loving wife for some reason, and we're both miserable.
My eating has been out of control this weekend. I need to get back on track and into a better place mentally, but it's so hard. I'm tired of everything.
Thursday, August 09, 2012
I'm not pregnant (a good thing) BUT my stupid IUD (Mirena, which I normally love) has done nothing in the past 18 months to stop my period. It just screws up when it shows up. I was told that most women with an IUD stop getting monthly periods after about 6-12 months. I had mine put in when Spencer was 6 weeks old because we DON'T want more kids (at least not for 5 years) and he's now 19 months. And my period still shows up randomly every other month or so.
SO FRUSTRATING. Especially since this week I set a goal for myself to lose 4 lbs. I weighed at 193 this morning...so already I've retained 2 pounds. Blahhhh. Hopefully it'll be over soon and I can get back to a lower number.
I'm not letting it rule me, although I did have slightly more to eat this evening than necessary. Still within my calories for the day I think... also, I did 20 minutes on the elliptical at lunch (200 calories burnt) and just did 25 minutes of a pilates/yoga dvd I have. I would have done more but the computer froze. I was sweatin' though! I thought it would be a nice change from cardio since my muscles have been a little sore today.
I feel like this week has gone well, even with eating out last night. I've really been feeling the exercise lately- even though I'm struggling a bit to burn as many calories during my lunchtime workouts as I want. The elliptical makes my feet go tingly, but other than that I don't mind it as much as I thought I did, although I definitely find it challenging at times. I guess this whole journey is about challenging myself, though, right? With that in mind, I'm off to challenge myself in the kitchen: make a healthy lunch for tomorrow without giving in to the cravings for something more to eat, which are only caused because it's that TOM.
Wednesday, August 08, 2012
it sucked. I was really challenged, and really wanted to give up. Wanted to just hang my head in shame and tell myself I would never run a 5K without being miserable, and go inside and wallow in self-pity.
But I didn't. I did a 20 minute session with 5 minutes of warm up and cool down... jogging 90 seconds and walking 2 minutes (I'm repeating Week 2 of C25K because I'm still challenged by the minute and a half of jogging, even though 60 seconds was pretty easy for me). Running outdoors is far more difficult for me than running on a treadmill, but, I did not quit.
I did it going up and down our driveway, which is dirt/rocks, long, and a slow incline with a short but steep hill at the top where it flattens out into where we park our cars. I didn't go up and down the steep hill, instead I found a rock that was a good marker at the foot of the hill and used that as my turning point. Went back and forth maybe 20 times...wasn't really counting. I used Joe's phone as my stopwatch and stuck it out.
We made some bad choices tonight, decided to go out to the chinese buffet as we heard a rumor it was closed and we wanted to see if it was. It wasn't. :) Dinner was yummy and cheap but undoubtedly it put me way over my calories for today. There's really no way to track buffet food, particularly not when you're sharing with your kid and making numerous trips to fill your plate! I felt really guilty after we got home, and really full and tired.
But, fueled by guilt and inspiration from the Weight Watchers magazine issue I just read (Sept/Oct) I decided I was going to go outside and do C25K. I am not an outdoor person...in fact, I tell my kids I am an "indoor cat" when they beg me to play outside. I'm hoping to change this... but we live in the woods and it's buggy and I hate bugs and just...yuck. BUT I did it anyway. Surprisingly, the weather had cooled considerably since last time I was outside at around 5. I focused on doing what needed done and tried to ignore the bugs and the pebbles in my shoes and the fact that my mouth was filling with spit. I don't know how many calories I burnt off, but to me, the act of going outside to jog is in itself a big achievement for me, since I've been saying I was going to for a while and have been putting it off.
I feel good about myself, especially now that I've had a cool shower. Spencer is being really calm and well behaved and Chloe and Joe are playing in the yard. I'm going to go have a big glass of cold water before I get the boy ready for bed, then I'm going to relax and enjoy the rest of my night NOT feeling too guilty for eating out. And that's that.
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