Friday, September 16, 2011
So.... my in-laws are coming for a visit in two weeks!
I know this is probably uncommon but I've only met my in-laws once, when they came from where they live in Indiana to where we were living in New Hampshire to return my husband's dog, Charlie, to us...they watched him for about a year 'cause we couldn't have him in our apartment.
My hubby and I had a kind of "whirlwind" relationship, we'd been friends online for years before we decided he'd move from IN to live with me in PA. That lead to marriage and a baby all within a year, and we didn't have a wedding, just got married at the local courthouse. Neither set of parents attended the ceremony; even though mine live in the same town as we used to. (My mom was grumpy that we wanted to spend our first night as a married couple on our own without my parents, so she refused to come to the court. lol). When I finally did meet my hubby's parents, it was for a total of about 20 minutes, they literally drove 20 hours or so to drop off the dog, go to their hotel, and return home to IN the next day.
These are not people who travel often, even short distances, and they recently ventured all the way to South Carolina to see my brother-in-law, so my husband and I were both slightly surprised when they said they were taking a week's vacation and visiting.
They have two grandkids they barely know so we're thinking that's their main reason; my stepdaughter is 3 and they haven't seen her for 2 years and they've NEVER met our son Spencer.
My MIL is a really sweet lady who is getting over a battle with cancer so I'm glad for the chance to meet her properly and have her spend some time with our son. My FIL I'm more nervous about... for various reasons I don't want to get into on a public site. I basically felt like he ignored me completely the one time I did meet him and I'm kind of dreading spending time acting like someone I'm not so he doesn't get offended by anything I say or do...
Plus the fact that I'm uber self-conscious about my body and weight at the moment makes everything more uncomfortable for me. I know I can't hope to drop a ton of weight in the next two weeks but I definitely want to put my best foot forward and really stick with my diet and exercise so that if my weight DOES come up as a topic of discussion (I doubt my MIL will mention it, my FIL, I have no clue) I can back up my plan with the truth about what I'm doing to change things.
Anyway, back to bed for me... our little man was fussing but seems to have gone back to sleep, which means I can too!
Wednesday, September 14, 2011
Deep breath. Release. I can do this.
It's time I admitted to myself, and the world, that I have a problem.
With my jeans.
My jeans.... oh, they are just awful. Hideous, baggy, saggy, high-risin' to the max, mom jeans.
My current pair of jeans are Just My Size 20's, bootcut, in a relatively light wash. They're horrid, but unfortunately after my baby was born in December, my baby belly remained. And still remained in March when I bought these pants in a fit of desperation and desire to wear something other than sweats. And still remains, in September, as I sit here writing this, wearing, of course, the jeans.
My husband has been telling me since he's known me that I wear my pants too high. He's right. It's sad but when I sit down these bad boys can sometimes reach my chest, just under the bra line. Of course, only when I slouch...which is all the time, isn't it? I hate having my tummy hang out over the waist of my jeans and have always hated the "low-rise" cut, even at my slimmest which was around 150 lbs. Now that I'm way up around 200 lbs (just shy of, actually- gotta have SOME positive reminders), I hate it even more. My pants can easily be removed without unbuttoning them or unzipping them, all I gotta do is just suck in the gut a tiny bit, and I know they look terrible, but I just can't bring myself to let the muffin top win by switching to even a mid-rise jean.
In my mom jeans, I feel safe. I feel like the rest of the world can't tell that behind that panel of denim beneath my shirt there's a 6-months pregnant looking tummy just waiting to burst forth. I KNOW they can. I KNOW I look ridiculous in these jeans. I know they hang off my frame like elephant skin. But I FEEL safe wearing them.
In a way... my mom jeans are my security blanket.
Well, I'm 25 years old and it's time I got rid of that blankey once and for all. I proclaim, here and now, that this is THE LAST PAIR OF MOM JEANS I WILL EVER OWN!!!
My goal is simple: To fit into a smaller size jean by Halloween. That's over a month and a half to trim my tummy just enough to get into an 18. Yes, ideally I'll be a size 5 or 8 when this journey is over and I've lost 80 pounds (my ultimate goal) and I'll be rockin' the lowest of the low cuts, but right now, I just want to go down ONE size. Just one. These jeans are practically falling off of me as it is so it SHOULDN'T be that hard to get into the 18's. And when I do go shopping for those jeans, those glorious new jeans in a smaller size, I'll buy a pair that isn't so high. That sits under my belly button. EVEN IF MY TUMMY MIGHT HANG OUT A BIT. I'll do it. So that's my goal. One size, and these jeans get put in the closet to be labeled as "The Pants I Wore At My Heaviest Weight: YOU DO NOT WANT TO GET BACK TO THAT POINT"
In my jeans, I feel frumpy, fat, and, if I'm being honest, ugly. In my new jeans I want to feel empowered, confident, and motivated to keep dropping sizes and keep wearing great jeans.
And even, maybe, just maybe, beautiful.
Saturday, August 27, 2011
The past few weeks have been pretty crappy for me. I stopped tracking calories because our internet is so slow and it was taking forever and I just didn't have enough time in the morning. I've missed Zumba about 9 times and haven't been exercising. We don't have enough money to go grocery shopping for really healthy foods so I've been eating whatever I can scrounge up and I definitely HAVEN'T been drinking enough water. On top of all of my bad choices regarding diet and exercise, it's just been STRESSFUL here.
Now things MUST change because I refuse to let life rule me; things happen and it is up to me to make sure that I remain focused and determined despite whatever pitfalls come my way.
There's been some good along with the bad. I've been so worried about finding a babysitter for our son because my husband starts school again next week and we don't have a sitter OR the money for one. It was really distressing me. Luckily Joe managed to switch to night classes at the last minute so he can still watch Spencer during the days. It saves us money and time since I don't have to transport the baby to the sitter's house before work every day now. My boss was great about letting my switch my schedule around to accommodate for the classes- I have to leave work a bit before 4 pm two days a week now. So on Tuesdays and Thursdays I'll be going in at 7 am and leaving at 3... and on Mondays I have to be home right after work because Joe has a class at 6 pm. Which means no Zumba on Mondays and no working out at work on Tuesdays or Thursdays. I really need to sit down and figure out a plan that allows me to get at least 30 minutes of cardio every day... even if it included jogging up and down our driveway for a half an hour. I joined the 28-Day Bootcamp Workout Challenge and made it to day 3, then forgot all about it, so I'd like to restart that and try my damndest to keep up with it. I KNOW I can do this. I just need to stop making excuses and set aside time every day for my exercise.
As for my diet, I think the best course of action for me is a weekly menu.. so I need to check out what we have in the house as far as food, make sure there's enough for Joe (who doesn't eat much in general, luckily!) and plan out what I'm going to eat each day before getting most of the meals prepped and ready over the weekend. It'll save me time in the mornings AND if my calories are already tracked (I can enter everything over the weekend) I'll be more motivated to not eat much at work.
Phew! Feelin' so much better after blogging, it really help me to get all these jumbled thoughts out of my head even if no one else reads 'em. I'm ready to start fresh, TODAY!
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
I met with an Avon Representative yesterday after work because I was interested in trying to suppliment our income by becoming one, and in the course of talking to her she really opened my eyes to how much change has gone on in my life in the past few years and how much I'm growing and opening new doors in order to live a better life. I've always been unfond of change, I am a creature very set in my ways and quite simply put, afraid to fail. I've put things off my whole life because doing them was uncomfortable in some way or I thought the chance might be there that I would fail and disappoint myself and others. But in talking to her, she made me realize that I DO have the courage and capacity to succeed.
Some of the recent changes I've made or are in the process of making include:
-asking someone to move in with me despite never having met in person (I met my hubby online when I was 17- not on a dating site!)
-marrying that man
-moving with him to a place very unlike where I'd spent my whole life prior, 8 hours away from friends and family
-having a child
-realizing I wasn't supporting my family in the way I needed to be and applying to return to college
-becoming an Avon Representative to help make money NOW as opposed to in 6 years when I graduate with another degree
-realizing that being unhappy with my weight affects ALL aspects of my life
-having the courage to try to lose weight, knowing that sometimes I will have setbacks but that I just have to keep pushing forward
I said before that I hate change. I am not a woman who likes confrontation- being an Avon sales representative means breaking out of my protective bubble in a big way, talking to people about what I'm doing and why, and making steps to improve my success. I realized last night that I need to do the same thing for weight loss- I need to talk to people, explain my goals, ask for support when I need it, and not let fear of failure stand in my way.
For the first time in a long time, or maybe for the first time in my life, I feel empowered to make really positive, lasting changes, and it feels amazing.
Monday, August 15, 2011
Well, I have done so poorly over the past few days and instead of beating myself up over it I need to just reassess why I'm here and move forward, doing my best each day (which I definitely haven't been!). I wanted to write a blog with some of my reasons for wanting to lose weight as well as some logical, small goals I can set and accomplish. I figure, if I have them posted here for people to see, and post them around the house for me and my hubby to see, I might actually stick to this! Don't want to disappoint anyone, after all.
- To be a healthy, fit mother to my beautiful baby boy and stepdaughter
- To feel like a sexy wife again (or for the first time??)
- To feel confident returning to school in 2012 with lots of people younger than me
- To LIKE the woman I see in the mirror and to be proud of her for a change
- Lose 5 lbs by end of August (GW- 190)
- Reach 180 lbs by end of September
- Work out 5 days a week for at least 30 minutes
- Track calories daily and only eat things if I know the nutritional information
I think those are decent goals for now! I'm going to add them to my SparkPage and hang them up on the fridge and bathroom mirror. I CAN do this... I know it.
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