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Losing Momentum and a Bit of Sanity

Wednesday, April 07, 2010

Sometimes we hit walls. Sometimes they are seemingly every time we turn around. One moment we are flying high, and the next, someone has taken their kite and wrapped it around our wings, dragging us to the dirt. I keep trying to look on the brighter side, but it just keeps happening. So I thought the best way to deal with it all might be a blog since I can feel my steam dissipating.

If you read my blogs, you know that my b.f, R., had a mental/psychotic breakdown most likely resulting from his mix of drugs colliding with his chemo drugs. Chemo with a loved one is hard enough, but I was just spent. Emotionally exhausted I push on, but this is a step backwards and really really difficult. Essentially, this is Wall 1 because it stands in the way of progress for him and our relationship, and I don't know if or when it will happen again.

Then there is the whole give up my dream of teaching in the classroom for however how long thanks to the budget crisis in California. I worked really hard at something, got really good at it, and that big emotional and slight financial payoff never happened. Severe disappointment, That was Wall 2.

Then there was that little thing about R. calling me fat for the most part. Not a wall, but ticked me off none the less. (See last blog for that one.) Anyhow, life has just been really hard at times.

The thing that kept me going was knowing that I was still doing something good. Out of all this crap, I was healthier than ever before. It was nice to hear the positive things from people, because the rest of much of what I was dealing with was complete crap. Enter my sister, stage left.

My sister is beautiful. She is 5'8 with long limbs, big eyes and has the model build. Needless to say, the exact opposite of my 5'4 self. And this is after having my niece. I love and adore my sister. Aside from being pretty, she is smart and an extremely talented artist and just scored a full scholarship to her chosen art school next year, where her whole family is moving with her so she can continue her dream. You could say she is the whole package. Sounds great, right? Yeah, well...

My sister, J., calls me on Easter to wish me a Happy Holiday AND to tell me that my brother in laws grandmother (we are close to their family because they sort of took us in when my mom and then my dad died), she asked if I had taken terribly ill because of my facebook picture, the same picture I have on here on my blog profile. And then it starts.

How much have you lost all together now? 56 pounds [pre and post spark]

What size jeans are you wearing now? A 6, to which she replied "so your smaller than me now". And I replied, "only because you have hips".

What is a healthy BMI for your height? About 110 to 145 (she sighed)

And where exactly are you going with this? "Well 145 is far to much and I still have a lot to lose, so I am thinking 120," I say. "120 is too much. I was really too thin at 120," she says. "You are 4 inches taller than me!"

And I hold my breath because I can hear the words in her head. "I think you should stop." Okay so she didn't say it this time, but she has in the past. Instead she says, "Well, we should get together so you can see Jelly Bean [my niece] We can meet half way or something." Ah, the checkup inspection. Nice one, but I can see right through you. I did live with you for over half your life.

See this is how things work in my world. Someone dies or there is a messy family thing, as the older one, I handle it all for the most part. But somewhere along the way her getting married and having a kid somehow gave her qualifications to play "big sister" when she chooses. She makes me seriously nuts sometimes. And she knows I value her opinion and actually listen to her (at times) and she can make me second guess myself, and that ticks me off.

So my sister's issue with my weight loss and R.'s comments about my weight makes me think about throwing in the towel, in a manic I'm done/why bother way. Wall 3 is not there yet, but it is slowly building. And the thing is, that this wall would be the wall I would put there, not one that was placed by circumstance. That means I gave up if that happens. I don't want to do that. But being the people-pleaser that partly got me into weight trouble in the first place, I don't want to disappoint or upset my sister. Bizarre? Absolutely. But it is like an instinct. And then the other side of me pops up and says, what are you going to do? Go back to being the fat sister to please her? That's just stupid. Talk about unhealthy.

So what's my plan? Well coming to the end of this blog I realize I am going to regroup, clear my head, refocus. I am going to see my niece and my sister. I am not going to hide in big clothes to please her for appearances sake. This is the current me. She is going to have to deal with it. I am still overweight and I am not ready to build my own wall and stop myself. It may even be twisted, but I am going to wear my most flattering, casual outfit. I have even been thinking about getting my hair cut, so I may do that before I see her too. It has been a month since I saw her, and thus another size and various inches in places. I might as well get the shock out of the way up front. lol I can't help some things, but I can stop my own sabotage.

Ah, sisterly love! If you stuck around until the end, thanks. I know it was a long one. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIGIRL523 5/3/2010 7:35PM

    LOVED it, loved it!!! omg. I think we may have the same sister!! Wow!

I hoped you looked hot and rocked that visit with your sister.... just sayin..... lol

Good for you for regrouping and getting focused. This is about YOU!!

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ALICEART2010 4/11/2010 9:38PM

    I love Oscar Wilde's quotes and this reminds me of one of them:
"The only thing worse than being talked about is NOT being talked about."

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AUDREYLYNN6 4/9/2010 10:07PM

    OMG I have two beautiful sisters I adore but both are skinny and yada yada...I hated taking pics with me next to them I was always the short um well fat one..But i took one recently and I was still big but realized I was happier and soon will be even lighter.. emoticon.....sorry to hear about your troubles and glad to see you are not letting them get in your way. You are a true inspiration to me and Ia m sure many others out there as well. And by the way your pic on her is gorgeous I do believe there may be a ting of jealousy going on there with your family or if it is like mine they are just terrified of change even positive. emoticon

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    I don't have a sister, but I certainly have friends who're as close as or closer than any sister could be. I'm so glad that you have her support! I'm really sorry for the rest of the stuff going on in your life, & I pray that your sister's support is what you need right now to help you through. Thankfully she's in your life & is so very, very good to you! :D

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DAWNWS1 4/9/2010 5:02PM

    I can't speak to any of this because I don't have a sister, but you might want to take a peek at Karen7360's newest blog on power. It's very interesting and might be something you need to hear right now. Hope it helps and emoticon

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SPASTASTIC 4/9/2010 12:30PM

    I'm sorry you're having a tough time lately. I really hope things get better for you. I'm proud of you for not letting anyone stop you from being healthy this time around. That is now just another reason why I think of you as an inspiration. =) I also have gotten comments that were made to make me feel like I shouldn't be taking care of my health. I think it boils down to that they are not yet comfortable with the changes in me and worry I might go overboard. But I'm not starving or making myself sick, or doing any of those negative things to lose weight.

I know they might want what is best for me but they don't know what is best for me. That is for me to decide and for them to accept. They have to trust my judgment and if they cannot, oh well. Sometimes, no matter how much you love someone or value their opinion, you HAVE to value your own more so. That is something I've been learning myself over the last six months and I am happier for it. I am finally starting to live and think for myself. I'm finding Amy again and I think she is a pretty awesome girl. =)

:hugs: Love ya, chica! Hold your head high when you see your sister. You're beautiful and are doing a fab job! Don't doubt it for a second longer.

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GIRL_AT_BAT 4/8/2010 6:59AM

    Sounds like you've realized that, ultimately, you are doing this for yourself, and that's a positive thing---for yourself *and* your loved ones. After all, what do we want for those we love? Happiness and fulfillment. When your sister understands that you are vibrantly and healthily pursuing your goals (and finding satisfaction in doing so), she should stop worrying.

In any case, you've been an inspiration to, I'm sure, many Sparklers (including myself). We're cheering you on. emoticon

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KELPROC 4/7/2010 11:14PM

    I have two sisters, one is approximately the same weight, and one is slightly more. They all make rude comments about how selfish I am to work out during the day, or if I get a sitter for Zumba... it's the END OF THE WORLD. But, they both started weight watchers a couple of weeks ago, and now it's a secret race to see who can look skinnier than me and not DARE give me one second to be the skinny sister. I still have a hard time controlling my calories, so they aren't "concerned" for me... but they are both new moms and jealous of my time working out or at the gym.

I think in your case, you are going in the right direction. Meet your sister and hear what she has to say. Once she hears about your days at spin and nights counting calories, she'll realize that you're not puking or starving, and that you deserve your new body!


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Sorry To The Boys, But You Really Can Suck Sometimes

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

That time is approaching in So. Cal. It's spring, and with spring comes the inevitable thoughts of swimsuit shopping. Yes, I know, some of you are dealing with 35 degree weather, but it is 80 here today, and by late April, many of us will be lounging around pools and trekking to the beach.

Now, I am a girl, and regardless of any weight loss, I have bathing suit shopping anxiety. I am not going near a bikini yet. I am just looking for something cute, since I have nothing that fits now that I have lost 50 pounds. In fact, the swimsuit from last year was tossed already. I already informed my shopping accomplice, A, who is currently at law school, that when she returns there will be shopping for a new suit on her next break. After all it is her house I will spend lounging around the pool when she returns for the summer. But I have to get up the courage in the meantime to enter those dressing rooms. Online shopping I go, looking at pics of various styles.

I find a few things and something in particular that looks a bit retro by Allen B. It's here if you want a peek.

It has attachable straps, and I thought I could also make a halter strap with my nifty sewing skills. That way, I would have various looks.

Randomly, I show the boyfriend and say, "I like this."

To which he responds, "Cute, but do they have your size?" Which would have been fine, if he hadn't then added, "Because she looks small."

Mind you I have worked my butt off literally, and have gone from a 16 to a 6 in jeans, which he is well aware of. So the after thought bubble to insert after the small remark is 'and you do not because you are a cow.' Bastard.

Okay, he didn't actually say the cow part. And the 'you do not' part was insinuated. Still...bastard.

I could really understand this if, IF, I was still a plus sized gal and trying to shop in the misses section of a store. That would be a perfectly reasonable thing to ask. I would not be ticked off at all. I faced that dilemma for years, and the disappointment of them not having a size big enough. But now? Seriously?!

I may have issues with the mirror and self awareness with my body, but it has been getting better, and I certainly know what size clothes I wear. He says he didn't mean it, but that is not what it sounds like to me.

Sorry, but I had to vent. At least I know who I am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KELLIGIRL523 5/3/2010 7:41PM

    YOU are beautiful!! The suit is super-cute and boys are stupid.

I've gotten to the point in my life (I'll be 46 this month) that I don't need to, nor will I, tolerate people in my life who treat me less than I deserve to be treated. I suggest you take the same stand!

=) hugs. Kelli

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ALICEART2010 4/11/2010 9:26PM

    Size 6 is tiny. I was probably a 6 in junior high school. That suit is *SO* adorable and I'm pretty picky. But I've learned not to be so picky anymore due to the limited number of cute fat clothes.

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CMESPARK 4/2/2010 1:27AM

    OMG! what an adorable suit!!! You are going to look so cute!!!
And yes, boys say/do stupid things at times- that is what jewelry stores are for.... Looks like someone else needs to also go shopping ;)

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CLAIRESML 3/30/2010 7:52PM

    get the suit that you want and don't show him till you rock it!

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LISSA1976 3/30/2010 7:38PM

    Thanks you guys. This is why I love Spark--all that great support from great people when I am feeling angry and/or low. You guys have been awesome to me today!

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FREESTONEBABE08 3/30/2010 5:27PM

Can ya strap a bullet to the next one, honey? Thanks!

And GIRL!, from a 16-6?! Okay, I just celebrated GETTING to 16!!!
That's inspiring to me!

I'm proud of you, and it sounds like a lot of other gals are too :)
and I KNOW he is as well..
sometimes, they just slip on their own words.

They're a whole lot less complicated than we are.
I've learned from my hubbs that when he says something, if I take it one way, it was meant the other way...cause he didn't WANT me to blow up at him hhahaha..

When I show him what i took from what he said, and he realizes he made a big mistake with his words.

I'm sure he's sorry, girl.
I can't beleive you're worried about swimsuits!
I'd be going nuts in clothing stores if I were at size six!

My lowest will probably be a 10 or 8. :)
Looking forward to those numbers in a few years!

Good luck shopping!

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SHIRLEYSAUL 3/30/2010 5:23PM

    The boy needs a brain realignment! What he said is uncalled for and I am sorry that you were subjected to his unkind, thoughtless, not to mention mean and hurtful comment. Perhaps you need to re-think your choice of boy "friend?".


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OPTIMISSPRIME 3/30/2010 5:00PM

    UCKKKGHGHGH!!!!! That's the best I can describe the sound I made when I read your boyfriend's comment. Men can be great, but they can also be really stupid clueless bastards sometimes. Forget his stupid comment and BE PROUD of the fact that you've accomplished SOOO MUCH!!!!

I know it can be really really hard to let go of some meaningless stupid comment, because it's so easy to get sidetracked and start worrying about "ugh, do I really look good or am I just deluding myself? After all, I don't look as good as her... or I'm not as muscular/skinny/whatever as her....". But DON'T GET SIDETRACKED! You have done so much work and you are so beautiful just as you are and you are going to ROCK that bathing suit! emoticon

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  ACK! Boys suck. And whatever, you're a size 6, you can totally rock that swimsuit!! and LOL to Littlebigwoman's comment! I agree hahahaha!

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  Oh, no he didn't! GRRRRRR!!!!!!

You could also make your own..."implied", INNOCENT remark about certain things seeming smaller than people think they are. But, I know that isn't in your sweet, patient, loving nature. And I also know that isn't the kind of light hearted joke that "you know who" would be able to appreciate. Oops! Did I go there? Yep. I did. LMAO! I love you girl!

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PRANA_DANCER 3/30/2010 2:58PM

    Wow, that sucks.

I mean, I'm sure he didn't mean to hurt you but that doesn't change the fact he did.

Size 6 is pretty small - smaller than average! Go you!

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The Ticker and Me

Saturday, March 27, 2010

For the last week or so I have been seriously thinking about changing my scale goal. Docs always said "Get to 145 and I think you will be slim and healthy and look great." Liars. Large frame by butt. There is no way that all that is left is going to go away in 15 pounds. In fact, I don't even think 140, the goal I had set would do it. So where does that leave me?

Well, after serious thought and review of my measurements and the issues at hand, or rather the ones I can still grab lol, I am thinking 120-125. At 5'4 and 125, that would give me a BMI of about 21.5, smack dab in the middle of the healthy range. Seems reasonable, right? So what's the problem? I can't manage to bring myself to change the ticker!

It's like it will shift momentum, or make it all seem so far away again. It is entirely irrational. I am thinking about losing that much. I have spoken verbally with others about losing another 40 lbs. But somehow that ticker is like the final word...committing it to a form. And then I seem so far away from goal again visually. Sigh. Maybe I will just wait until I reach 140 and then switch it, breaking it essentially in half. I'm usually not this much of a chicken, so I have no idea why I struggle with this stupid ticker. I mean, it is not like I have not been successful. I have full confidence in myself. I know I can reach whatever goal I set. Its just a strange feeling, so I thought I would share. Anyone else feel like this?

As my friend always says, just keep swimming.

PS I shared a secret on the new board about staying positive.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHIRLEYSAUL 3/29/2010 7:03PM

    I think you should reach your first goal and then change your ticker to a new goal. Your doctor's idea of 140 for your height is too high. Unless you are dealing with a weight loss specialist, weight and diet issues are not the forte of doctors. I am 5'7" and weigh 150. My doctor wants me to loose weight, but did not say how much. I think 140 would be OK, for you with 135 ideal. A BMI of 121.5 and 25 lbs. sounds just right for 5'4".

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MICHELLENRGZED 3/27/2010 10:03PM

    I understand about making the change on the ticker & finding it hard to bring yourself to do so. You get to the point where you're so close to your original goal, & part of you's probably tired of working to reach the goal. Still, you're almost there, but if you need to go further, then keep pushing. Changing your ticker will be a sign to yourself that you need to go beyond.

I find it strange that the doc says that 145 is a good weight for you at 5'4". I'm 5'6", & I've been told that 135-140's good for me. Something strange there! I think 120 or so would probably be good. Strange, too, what a difference a small difference in height makes weight-wise, eh?

Good secret, too! :)

Comment edited on: 3/27/2010 10:05:26 PM

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CLAIRESML 3/27/2010 5:29PM

    I understand the ticker angst very well. I struggled with the same thing. It seemed motivational to be nearly halfway to my goal physcologically so I added to my ticker twice in small increments. Now my goal is 50 pounds and I am about halfway so I feel good..... emoticon

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KELPROC 3/27/2010 5:09PM

    WAIT! It will be AWESOME to see your ticker reach your goal. No one says that you can't move it, or know that you're going to move it, but give yourself the opportunity of getting the gratification of reaching the finish line before you pick up and start the next race. ;) YOU WILL GET THERE! I'm so proud of you, it's really inspiring! :)

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TWOOFTHREE 3/27/2010 4:25PM

  Wait until you get to your first goal and then change it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with that.

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Turning A Moment of Depression Into Exhilaration

Friday, March 26, 2010

So I was feeling a little blue. I didn't lose anything this week, although I am not shocked because I lost so much (almost 4 lbs) last week. But it also gets hard when things get difficult financially, even though I know this is the real last month that will be like this with the new job starting next month. Still, I had some unexpected costs come my way this month that drained me. Down to the last few dollars, that ever makes me feel good. I ration everything at this point just waiting for next week. Anyhow, I needed to pick myself up. I wasn't hungry, but I realized I could eat whatever. But why? Nope, I decided. There is gas in the car, the cat needs food with some of that money and I am going to wander around my little town until I feel better. ;)

Near the grocery store is a JC Penney. It is actually next door. ;) How convenient. It doesn't matter that I don't have any money, because I know that is changing for good, and I will have plenty soon enough. Life will stop being so hard. So I push through the doors and head to the "fun size" section. It seems to have shrunk and has been pushed over a bit to make room for more dresses. Not much of a selection today. They seem to be inundated with unattractive matronly Easter dresses. Yuck! Still I look through the bit of options and pull every pair of capris, jeans and shorts in a 6P. The test...random items, random brands.

I march into the dressing room. Okay, I think, if this doesn't work, I am going to have to go home and go to bed. I take some jeans off the hanger. I hold them up. I am wearing my size 10s I have shrunk a few times, and they are still big. Granted I can wear the jeans I stashed that are a size 6, but for some reason, I always wonder if I have imagined it all. lol I unzip them and slip them on. Well, they didn't stop at my calves, which was a good sign. All the way up, and a rush comes over me as they button and zip. I turn and survey in the mirror. For the first time ever I walk out of the tiny room and look at the BIG mirror. (I was usually too embarrassed with myself to bother with that. Dressing rooms were always a timed, rush exercise for the most part.) I squint my eyes and try to see if I can see what everyone else sees when they see me. Not really, but I see the tag, and it says 6. A huge smile spreads and I sort of bounce back into the room.

I feel like a junkie, and need another hit. Okay I have never done heroin (I know way too much about it, but that's another story), but I am thinking that this is my heroin. Off go the jeans. On goes the capris and then more items. Off, on, off, on...this continues and my mood really picks up. Total euphoria! It didn't even matter that I didn't like the way some things looked or the cut. It didn't matter that none of it could come home with me. I could put them all on and they all fit! I didn't even mind the bad lighting or the fact that the mirrors always seem oddly tilted. lol

Forget confessions of a shopaholic...they need a new word for my new hobby. Try-aholic? I don't know what to call it, but that was better than any food, more comforting than anything else I can think of. It is my new mood buster!


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

UFCCHICK 5/15/2010 4:49AM

    LOL I think that will be my thing to do too because when this weight does come off because it WILL my husband is so going to put a stop on me shopping when I can go into any store and buy cute clothes lol

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SALESSE 4/14/2010 12:05PM


I do like all this it is very inspiring, i never had time to
come here and read these pass few month , with my grandsons
it keep me bussy.

But today i will read all of them and i will say li seraphen a
size 6 is wonderful you did so good you are really an amazing
person. emoticon emoticon

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ALICEART2010 4/11/2010 9:42PM

    Cute blog.

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GIRL_AT_BAT 3/27/2010 8:43AM

    Good for you, for having fun with it (and ushering out the blues with a healthy "addiction"). ;)

Congrats on the size 6!

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    WAY TO GO!!!! I'd be flying high, too, with the exhilaration of knowing I'm smaller than I'd originally though!!!! emoticon

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SERAPHENE 3/26/2010 7:53PM

    A size 6?!?! Wow, that is a mood booster! Sorry the scale didn't go down for you this week, but like you said last week was huge for you. You know you are doing the right things so very very soon you are going to be in the 150's. Look how far you've come, you're amazing.

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My Dellusional Clothing Moment

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Two days ago I blogged about being able to get into size 6 jeans. Well this morning I had to go to a meeting at the vet's office where I will start work next month. I don't have a lot of clothes, so I pulled out something old, a pair of dressy shorts, the kind that come mid knee and used to fit close. I held them up to me. They seemed like they would fit and I rationalized that if they were a little large, that would be okay and a belt would solve the problem. Plus, really cute with flats and a little jacket.

I slipped them on and belted them...tight. It was a bit like a girl wearing man's clothes. Well, that's in right? Oh, how I can rationalize. They wrinkled and puckered and I tried to adjust them so they looked gathered in the right places. Incidentally, it was at this moment that I realized that my belt is too big and it is on the last notch. I put a properly fitting top on and walked to wear R. sat. Asking him if this looked all right, explaining the dilemma of not much of an option otherwise. (Don't want to be overdressed and don't want to be under dressed.) He said it might work, if I didn't wear my Hello Kitty slippers. lol

I went back to the bathroom and finished my hair. As I lifted my arms with my vented air brush, my shorts actually fell below my belt in the front, if you can picture that. This will not work, I thought. I undid the belt and slid them off. There was no need to unzip them. Reaching for the trusty old standby, I slipped on extra dark washed denim jeans. So that is how pants are supposed to fit! (Literally, I have nothing that fits in career wear for the lower half. 9 articles of clothing aren't cutting it. I need to shop next month when I get paid )

I glance at the tag of the other dress shorts. Size 17...not just a little big for me. What the heck was I thinking? When will the brain catch up with the eyes? I held those up against my body and rationalized that those would fit me, even looking in the mirror. How? My brain needs some analyzation... But it's got to get better at some point. And hey, on the bright side, I think it is time to dump everything out of my closet and say farewell to even those things I have emotionally been hanging on to. Spring cleaning has approached!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BIRRRDY 3/22/2010 1:22PM

    I mean, that's pretty amazing. How do you feel about it? I would be jumping for joy! A size 6 is hugely different than a size 17! Maybe you should take a picture of yourself in the size 17 shorts or hold up a pair of size 6 shorts and size 17 shorts side by side, just to really see the difference.

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ENR0005 3/21/2010 1:04PM

    Yay for too big clothes!! So, you are going to work for a veterinarian? I have worked for vets for the last 8 years, and there's no better job!

Congrats on your success! Your brain will catch up to your new size eventually.

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SHIRLEYSAUL 3/21/2010 12:56AM


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SPASTASTIC 3/20/2010 8:18PM

    Wow! I can really relate to that. I think it takes a little time for the mind to catch up to the changes of our bodies. I have a pair of jeans I wore just until recently that I held onto because they fit me best when I was 50 pounds heavier than I am now. I kept wearing them out of habit. Finally, about three weeks ago, someone mentioned how they were falling off of me, and I hadn't even realized it. Of course they were falling off of me.. they were made for someone 50 pounds heavier and two sizes bigger than I am now! Haha. I am not going to get rid of them just yet because I want to do an after picture once I am at my ideal weight with me holding them up to show how far I've come.

Anyways. have fun spring cleaning. =)

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