LISADAVIDSON68   2,915
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Today is a good day

Thursday, September 29, 2011

Hey my Sparkfriends!! Its been a long time and I've missed you all. No, I didn't decide to stay in Hawaii, although I certainly could have. It was just amazing. Not at all what I expected, but amazing just the same.

Since my last blog, I've been to the doctor and started on some medication. It seems to be helping a bit, but I'm going back Monday to see if we can do better. I have really good days and really bad days. Today happens to be a good day.

I want to thank all my Sparkfriends, especially Mostmom1. You all were so encouraging and supportive. It was such a huge help. Things did get worse before they got better and we're still working on it. DH has been amazing and sweet and patient and I'm a lucky girl.

Since I'm having such a good day, I thought I would post a bikini pic I'm especially proud of. I'm continuing my Spark journey, and still losing and working out. My goal now is to get that six pack and firm up my rear. I know I can count on my SP buddies to cheer me on!! And I'll try to be a better Sparkfriend.

This was the day before we went home, so my tan was kickin!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FEISTYOWL 10/3/2011 11:13AM

    WOW - you look fabulous!! You are totally rockin that bikini! Glad to hear you are having good days - that's a great start. Hopefully today's visit is going to help even more!

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FITFORMYFAMILY 9/30/2011 4:36AM

    Wow! You look so pretty!

I'm really happy for you that the meds are helping, and hope that you and the doc can get it worked out so that they help even more. In the meantime, enjoy the good days!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 9/29/2011 9:47PM

    Lisa, you look fantastic! emoticon

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TAMIK1964 9/29/2011 9:35PM

    Wow!!!!!

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MOSTMOM1 9/29/2011 7:08PM

    DANG GIRL!!!!! You look amazing, I mean jaw-dropping amazing!!! Holy moly! And I'm one of the lucky ones who knows you in person and can totally vouch that you're equally amazing on the inside. You are the total package, sister! (insert wolf whistle emoticon here)
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PAMMY222 9/29/2011 5:32PM

    Keep up the Sparkin'!
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ILIKETOZUMBA 9/29/2011 4:26PM

    WOW. You look AMAZING!! That is one rockin' bikini body! I'm glad you're having a good day today and that you enjoyed Hawaii so much. :)

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DANDRAS 9/29/2011 3:59PM

    grats and keep up the good work. Looking great!


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Almost vacation time

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

We leave for Hawaii on Friday morning. Those of you who have followed my blogs know that the last few weeks have been extremely difficult and that this vacation is very much needed. I'm very concerned that I won't be able to fully enjoy myself with the anxiety and I'm not sure how to cope. The more I think about it, the more anxious I get. Its a vicious cycle. So...

I'm asking my sparkfriends who pray to please pray for me and for those who don't, throw some good thoughts my way. I appreciate it all. I'm sure I won't be sparking after Thursday, so I won't be able to get all the motivation and support you all give me everyday and I appreciate more than you could know.

See you all when I get back! Aloha!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FEISTYOWL 8/31/2011 1:21PM

    I'll pray and send good thoughts your way!! I hope you get as much relaxtion as you need and you conquer your anxieties while you're at it! emoticon

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JANESSMI 8/30/2011 9:58PM

    Go Enjoy. Vacations are for leaving home at home and enjoying them.

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MOSTMOM1 8/30/2011 7:16PM

    No worries, brave Sparker--y'all will have a good time. Do one brave thing and the rest will follow. Know that I will be praying for you. Text me if you get stressed out.
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NOTHIN2IT 8/30/2011 7:05PM

    I will sure be praying for you. I hope you have a wonderful time and you come back feeling better then ever! emoticon

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 8/30/2011 3:25PM

    Oh, please! The worries will be here when you return! LEAVE them here, my friend, and LIVE your LIFE with JOY in Hawaii for the short time you'll be there! Yes, I'll say a prayer for you... just remember YOU ARE WORTH being JOYFUL! emoticon emoticon

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FITFORMYFAMILY 8/30/2011 3:15PM

    I will pray.

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DO4FIT 8/30/2011 3:14PM

  Everything will work out how it is supposed to. Don't think about it to much, you need and deserve this vacation. I know somethings never fully leave our minds but you need to make relaxation and rest a priority right now. Enjoy showing off your bod in that bikini. I'm sending you some good vibrations. Cannot wait for your update!! (better include bikini pics emoticon )

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Change is good, right?

Sunday, August 21, 2011

I'm going to preface by saying that this is difficult to "say outloud", but here goes: I don't like me. I find me very boring, and right now, very sad and not fun to be around. And its only made worse by the fact that I have lost 20 pounds, and I'm not ashamed to say that I look good. While I feel good ABOUT it, it hasn't changed anything about my personality. I'm still so full of anxiety that I never know if I'm going to burst out crying or vomit most of the time and unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.

I love my DH. With every breath in my body I love this man. But I am so envious of him sometimes I find it harder and harder to manage. He has such confidence. As I write this, he's in the basement (just under me) in our tanning bed (yes, I know, don't say it) singing with his earphones on, full volume. Now I could wonder if maybe he doesn't realize how loud he is, but I know it wouldn't matter. He is fully capable to being and doing whatever he wants without any apparent fear. I'm going to be honest and share a personal fact. DH and I are hitting a rough spot and I'm starting to feel that if I can't let some of my fears go, he's just going to lose respect for me. So...

I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. One step at time I'm sure. And if anyone has any suggestions, bring it on. I am fairly certain that as hard as I have fought it, it will involve medication. I fight because my mom and my sister suffer from depression and are on medication and frankly I don't see that it helps them at all. And I hate taking meds. And the thought of it makes me feel like I'm failing at life. I hope I don't offend anyone who takes these kinds of meds, but for me, its something I've grown up with and have been trying to separate myself from.

But I'm back to one step at a time. And thanking my Sparkfriends for their continuous support. Thanks for "listening" :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

ILIKETOZUMBA 8/22/2011 8:04PM

    Oh, I'm so sorry you're having a rough time.

I have anxiety problems. It got so bad during grad school that I had a couple full-blown panic attacks where I literally thought I was dying or having a stroke about 10 times a day, if my eyelid so much as twitched, if my chest or back had any sort of unusual feeling at all, if I had a headache...I'd run to check the dilation of my eyes, or grab for my pulse, or run to make sure the phone was nearby in case I collapsed and needed to call 911. Mind you, I was 24 years old. I was NOT having a heart attack or a stroke. I finally bit the bullet and went to see a counselor and a psychiatrist. I got cognitive behavioral therapy that helped teach me how to interrupt my anxious thought patterns and see the world more realistically than I was, and I got a low dose of citalopram to help my brain chemistry along for a little while. It worked wonders. I stopped taking the medicine after a couple months (once it got me over the hurdle) and I haven't had nearly the anxiety problems I used to have since, thanks to the therapy. To be honest, it wouldn't hurt for me to be back on a low dose again...but I'm much better than I was.

So even if you do need to take some medicine and seek some counseling (which I hope you do - I cried my eyes out the first time I went but it turned out to be very helpful in the end)...it doesn't have to last forever. You might just need a little medical boost to get you through your rough patch right now, and the counseling can help you deal with life without feeling so bad. You will feel SO much better. No one should have to feel the way you do every day.

FYI - one of citalopram's possible side effects is a decrease in...well, sexual ability. As in, it's harder to reach climax. (Sorry for the TMI.) It happens in something like a third of the people on it, and it happened to me, so just make sure you and your doctor are prepared to experiment a little bit in case you experience any side effects like that with any medicine.

So anyways, to wrap things up... I don't even know you and I like you! And I don't think you're boring. :) I think you're a wonderful, supportive person! Hang in there. (And sorry this was so long!)

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FEISTYOWL 8/22/2011 6:42PM

    I'm am sorry you're going through a rough patch with your dh - that can be very challenging.

As a former school counselor - my advice is to find a good counselor. A good one can really help you deal with your emotions and anxiety and they may be able to help you decide if medication is right for you. Although counselor's cannot prescribe medication, often they work with psychiatrists who can.

I can relate to how you feel about taking medication - I feel the same way. But when I had postpartum depression I took anti-depressants for about 6 months. And honestly they are what got me through the worst. And as someone else said, it helped hold off the insane emotional roller coaster so that I could slowly deal with life and feel good about myself again.

I agree with MostMom also - it is just a tool to aid you with your challenges. Nothing more, nothing less.

Find someone who can help with learn to deal with all this - I believe they are completely worth the money. And sometimes insurance will cover some of therapy. It has for me in the past.

There is nothing wrong with seeking help. It's a gift to yourself to help you. I wish you the best, truly. It is hard to face day to day stuff (especially in relationships) when you feel like an emotional roller coaster. Getting the ride smoothed out might just be what you need; whether that's with counseling or medication or both.

One more thing - there are always books too. If you search on amazon you'd be surprised how many pop up about anxiety. Just another possibility! emoticon

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EUPHRATES 8/22/2011 3:53AM

    FWIW, my ex-husband went on Buspar for his anxiety for a while, which gave him the brakes he needed so he had the mental and emotional bandwidth to pay attention and start learning his triggers. It gave him a break from the constant panic attacks, enough so he could start making lifestyle changes and eventually didn't need the meds. As MOSTMOM1 said, they're just another tool in the arsenal.
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FITFORMYFAMILY 8/22/2011 12:21AM

    I hope you're not getting sick of emoticon from me, but I want to offer something and I'm lacking in wisdom. So...

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and more

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DO4FIT 8/21/2011 10:53PM

  Oh hon, Change is awesome and healthy. I was on anti depressants and they just made me emotionless! I didn't feel anything. But everyone reacts different. If you can battle this without meds like I have for the past 10 years I am sure you can do it too! Write a list of your "fears" and then decide which one would be easiest to tackle. If you are scared of heights then go Ziplining or something. Start SMALL, even tho the fear may not be small, and work your way up to achieving everything on your list. You are a beautiful and strong woman, you can win over your fears! They are not WHO you are.



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MOSTMOM1 8/21/2011 10:31PM

    Hey girl, I understand how you feel about the meds. I really struggled with deciding to take stuff for my ADD. But I finally decided it was just a tool to help me. It doesn't mean it's permanent, but it's an option when I need it. You are anything but boring! Heck, you're the glue that holds our little group together, you know that. I think you're an amazing chick. I'm sorry you're having a rough time right now. Think we could have lunch together or something before you jet off to Hawaii? "You is smart, you is kind, you is important." (The Help-I'll go see it with you, if you haven't had a chance to see it yet. Wasn't the same without you.)

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 8/21/2011 8:35PM

    Lisa, I know that I have taken antidepressants at various times, usually when I'm at my lowest and things don't look promising. I know that they helped me, and that I don't need them ALL the time. Whatever it takes, save your marriage. The Lord will see you through these times, and bless you for giving it your best. emoticon

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NOTHIN2IT 8/21/2011 6:54PM

    Oh my dear, I am so sorry! I can totally relate to what you are saying though. I don't think very highly of myself either. I am taking antidepressants and I am better on them then off of them but it's still not great.
I think you should definitately go see your doctor and talk to him/her about this. Maybe you can find an rx that works for you. I know the feeling of not wanting to be on medication and feeling like a failure but I have noticed that when the medicine is working....I don't have that feeling at all! I think those feelings of failure are related to the depression.

Another option might be to go to a counselor. I have thought about that a lot (not sure I want to spend the money though). Maybe talking about things and getting some advice on how to deal with these feelings would help.

Hang in there! Please know that I am here for you and you can talk to me anytime. You are a beautiful, amazing person and you deserve to be happy!!! emoticon

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Tried something new

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I'll start by mentioning that DH is an Olympic weight lifter. Which means squats, dead lifts and another one that I can't remember right now. Sooo, I had decided that I wanted him to teach me how to do squats which are great (as I'm sure a lot of you know) for your quads and butt. All the walking I'm doing is great for my calves, but my quads and rear were being neglected. So last night he coaches me.

We started out with the bar behind my neck, across my shoulders. Just the bar. Couldn't do it. So we put the bar back on the rack and he showed me how do it without any weight. I can't remember how many hundreds of pounds he used to squat competitively, but I felt like a giant wimp. Now we all have our starting point, and this is mine, and I'm okay with this. (Not really)

Long story short, I did 3 sets of 10 deep squats, calf raises, dead lifts, leg extentions and leg curls, and today I can barely walk. Oh, and I did walk for 30 minutes after. It wasn't pretty. But its a good pain and I know I worked. I'm only hoping it doesn't effect my walking too much longer because I've got a little over 2 weeks til Hawaii and I have more fat to burn if I want to REALLY rock that bikini. I'm wearing it regardless, but I'd really like to show that bikini who's in charge!!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LISADAVIDSON68 8/17/2011 9:46AM

    thanks everyone! I am ridiculously sore, but I'm going to work through it! You all are the best!

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EUPHRATES 8/17/2011 7:27AM

    emoticon

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FEISTYOWL 8/16/2011 11:28PM

    Good for you for trying something new - plus added bonus to have your dh be able to coach you. I don't think it gets much better than having an olympic athlete helping you do things right.

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HONDABLONDE 8/16/2011 1:06PM

    You go, Girl!

You can do it!

Debb
XOX

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NOTHIN2IT 8/16/2011 12:31PM

    Great job! Make sure you don't do weights on consecutive days, do lots of stretching and the walking will help. You will look amazing in that bikini!! emoticon

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DO4FIT 8/16/2011 10:24AM

  wowsa! good for you girl! I would attempt to do a small walk today to work it off, but remember you do need a rest day, as I am sure you know. You'll be rockin' that bikini for sure if you keep this up!
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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 8/16/2011 9:50AM

    Wow! You are pretty amazing! emoticon

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MOSTMOM1 8/16/2011 9:38AM

    I'm telling you, you'll probably like weightlifting if you give it a chance. I can't do the squats with the bar behind my neck anymore. But there are lots of different ones you can do. Check out the ones Spark has in the fitness section. You might really like them. You can use dumbbells too, or just your own body weight (which is mighty low for you!). Skater Squats are kinda cool. I'm proud of you!! Youse a hot bikini mama!
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Losing it! (not what you think)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Have you ever just had a million things going on and just can't organize it all? I know some of you have. I've been wanting to blog, but just wasn't able to get my thoughts together enough to type them out. I'm gonna give it a try anyway.

The past few weeks=insanity. Pure and simple. I've put my poor DH through MY emotional wringer. And how did he respond? He's taking me to HAWAII!! He's the best, I know this, so sometimes I get a little crazy. Here's why: DH is 2 and a half years younger than me. On its own, no big whoop. BUT he LOOKS much younger. 40 years old and gets carded for beer. I don't recall ever getting carded. EVEEEEER! And while I'm losing weight and working hard, so is he. HE has lost 60 pounds. He looks like he did when we met. I'm terribly proud of him and he's feeling great. So I respond by being insecure, emotional and really depressed.

If I would ask people who know me to choose 5 words to describe me, "confident" would not likely make the list. Obviously. But I'm working on it. How you ask? Okay, maybe you didn't, but I'm going to tell you anyway.

I'm buying a bikini for Hawaii. I bought booty shorts for Hawaii. I wouldn't wear these things here in my town for ANYTHING! But what happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii, right? I don't know anyone there. So I'm going show off my progress and try to enjoy it and embrace it. DH reminded me last night that there will be photos. I've decided I don't care. I'm really looking forward to this trip. We need it. Its been 20 years in the making and I simply CANNOT wait!

I thank you all for your support. This has been a great place for me to come and get inspiration and be uplifted and get my crazy thoughts out of my head.
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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FEISTYOWL 8/13/2011 11:04PM

    wow - you are a lucky lady!! To be going to Hawaii and to be able to wear booty shorts and a bikini!! You go!!

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ILIKETOZUMBA 8/11/2011 12:39PM

    Way to go with the booty shorts and the bikini!! It was a big deal for me just to get the confidence to finally buy a pair of (long) shorts for the first time in years. I don't even know how many summers I spent wearing long jeans in the 90+ degree heat because I was embarrassed by my legs...I am definitely not up to your level of fitness/confidence when it comes to clothing. :) But from your pictures, you look MORE than ready to sport booty shorts and bikinis! Have a fantastic time, and I know you'll look fantastic while doing it!

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PAMMY222 8/11/2011 11:44AM

    Have fun in Hawaii! Good luck with the bikini, I still don't have the confidence to even wear my one-piece.
Keep up the good work! The confidence will come in time!
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MOSTMOM1 8/11/2011 11:19AM

    I'm gonna have to go think about my five words for you now... Love ya, my SparkBuddy--can't wait to hang out with ya, Saturday!
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DO4FIT 8/11/2011 10:29AM

  After looking at your page and pics I can say most confidently that you will ROCK that bikini!!! and you will more then likely get so many compliments from loved ones when they see the pics!! Enjoy your trip! You are very pretty with a nice bod. Remember that
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