Thursday, September 29, 2011
Hey my Sparkfriends!! Its been a long time and I've missed you all. No, I didn't decide to stay in Hawaii, although I certainly could have. It was just amazing. Not at all what I expected, but amazing just the same.
Since my last blog, I've been to the doctor and started on some medication. It seems to be helping a bit, but I'm going back Monday to see if we can do better. I have really good days and really bad days. Today happens to be a good day.
I want to thank all my Sparkfriends, especially Mostmom1. You all were so encouraging and supportive. It was such a huge help. Things did get worse before they got better and we're still working on it. DH has been amazing and sweet and patient and I'm a lucky girl.
Since I'm having such a good day, I thought I would post a bikini pic I'm especially proud of. I'm continuing my Spark journey, and still losing and working out. My goal now is to get that six pack and firm up my rear. I know I can count on my SP buddies to cheer me on!! And I'll try to be a better Sparkfriend.
This was the day before we went home, so my tan was kickin!
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
We leave for Hawaii on Friday morning. Those of you who have followed my blogs know that the last few weeks have been extremely difficult and that this vacation is very much needed. I'm very concerned that I won't be able to fully enjoy myself with the anxiety and I'm not sure how to cope. The more I think about it, the more anxious I get. Its a vicious cycle. So...
I'm asking my sparkfriends who pray to please pray for me and for those who don't, throw some good thoughts my way. I appreciate it all. I'm sure I won't be sparking after Thursday, so I won't be able to get all the motivation and support you all give me everyday and I appreciate more than you could know.
See you all when I get back! Aloha!!
Sunday, August 21, 2011
I'm going to preface by saying that this is difficult to "say outloud", but here goes: I don't like me. I find me very boring, and right now, very sad and not fun to be around. And its only made worse by the fact that I have lost 20 pounds, and I'm not ashamed to say that I look good. While I feel good ABOUT it, it hasn't changed anything about my personality. I'm still so full of anxiety that I never know if I'm going to burst out crying or vomit most of the time and unfortunately, I'm not exaggerating.
I love my DH. With every breath in my body I love this man. But I am so envious of him sometimes I find it harder and harder to manage. He has such confidence. As I write this, he's in the basement (just under me) in our tanning bed (yes, I know, don't say it) singing with his earphones on, full volume. Now I could wonder if maybe he doesn't realize how loud he is, but I know it wouldn't matter. He is fully capable to being and doing whatever he wants without any apparent fear. I'm going to be honest and share a personal fact. DH and I are hitting a rough spot and I'm starting to feel that if I can't let some of my fears go, he's just going to lose respect for me. So...
I'm not entirely sure how to go about this. One step at time I'm sure. And if anyone has any suggestions, bring it on. I am fairly certain that as hard as I have fought it, it will involve medication. I fight because my mom and my sister suffer from depression and are on medication and frankly I don't see that it helps them at all. And I hate taking meds. And the thought of it makes me feel like I'm failing at life. I hope I don't offend anyone who takes these kinds of meds, but for me, its something I've grown up with and have been trying to separate myself from.
But I'm back to one step at a time. And thanking my Sparkfriends for their continuous support. Thanks for "listening" :)
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
I'll start by mentioning that DH is an Olympic weight lifter. Which means squats, dead lifts and another one that I can't remember right now. Sooo, I had decided that I wanted him to teach me how to do squats which are great (as I'm sure a lot of you know) for your quads and butt. All the walking I'm doing is great for my calves, but my quads and rear were being neglected. So last night he coaches me.
We started out with the bar behind my neck, across my shoulders. Just the bar. Couldn't do it. So we put the bar back on the rack and he showed me how do it without any weight. I can't remember how many hundreds of pounds he used to squat competitively, but I felt like a giant wimp. Now we all have our starting point, and this is mine, and I'm okay with this. (Not really)
Long story short, I did 3 sets of 10 deep squats, calf raises, dead lifts, leg extentions and leg curls, and today I can barely walk. Oh, and I did walk for 30 minutes after. It wasn't pretty. But its a good pain and I know I worked. I'm only hoping it doesn't effect my walking too much longer because I've got a little over 2 weeks til Hawaii and I have more fat to burn if I want to REALLY rock that bikini. I'm wearing it regardless, but I'd really like to show that bikini who's in charge!!
Thursday, August 11, 2011
Have you ever just had a million things going on and just can't organize it all? I know some of you have. I've been wanting to blog, but just wasn't able to get my thoughts together enough to type them out. I'm gonna give it a try anyway.
The past few weeks=insanity. Pure and simple. I've put my poor DH through MY emotional wringer. And how did he respond? He's taking me to HAWAII!! He's the best, I know this, so sometimes I get a little crazy. Here's why: DH is 2 and a half years younger than me. On its own, no big whoop. BUT he LOOKS much younger. 40 years old and gets carded for beer. I don't recall ever getting carded. EVEEEEER! And while I'm losing weight and working hard, so is he. HE has lost 60 pounds. He looks like he did when we met. I'm terribly proud of him and he's feeling great. So I respond by being insecure, emotional and really depressed.
If I would ask people who know me to choose 5 words to describe me, "confident" would not likely make the list. Obviously. But I'm working on it. How you ask? Okay, maybe you didn't, but I'm going to tell you anyway.
I'm buying a bikini for Hawaii. I bought booty shorts for Hawaii. I wouldn't wear these things here in my town for ANYTHING! But what happens in Hawaii stays in Hawaii, right? I don't know anyone there. So I'm going show off my progress and try to enjoy it and embrace it. DH reminded me last night that there will be photos. I've decided I don't care. I'm really looking forward to this trip. We need it. Its been 20 years in the making and I simply CANNOT wait!
I thank you all for your support. This has been a great place for me to come and get inspiration and be uplifted and get my crazy thoughts out of my head.
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