Friday, June 25, 2010
When America's Got Talent first came on a few years ago I watched it all the time with my mom. Then the following season there was something else I was watching and so didn't watch it again until I decided to watch it this season. There are some really good acts and some really terrible ones, as they are still in the try out stage in different cities. There are also some amazing stories and people of all ages who who are now trying to go after a dream. The other night I wasn't going to be able to watch it so I had the dvr record it and was watching it last night. There were these 2 sisters on there, one age 13 and one age 20. There are 4 kids in the family all together, and each of those kids, including these two sisters, have cystic fibrosis. I had a friend a long time ago who had a couple of kids with cystic fibrosis and saw first hand how that affects lungs, growth, and overall health. The oldest sister said the average life expectancy is mid to late 30's. But she said they can make the most of whatever time they have and live it to the fullest. The disease damages the lungs and causes a lot of difficulty with breathing and other stuff. It's a nasty disease and the only cure is a lung transplant in a few cases. These two girls love to sing. When they sang they totally wowed everyone. They sang Miley Cyrus' The Climb and did it so beautifully and hit notes and held them that was so incredible for someone with lung problems like they have. After they sang the older one had tears running down her cheeks at the response and said they had been told they would never be able to sing. It was so totally inspiring to see these two kids with incredible odds against them pursuing something they love so much. They did get passed on the the next round which will be the competitions in Las Vegas. Not because of their story but because of the incredible job they did. They have to be working really really hard to be able to do that with the lung problems they have. And even though the oldest is already 20 and knows that chances are she's alredy halfway or more through her expected life span she had such a positive outlook and so did the 13 -year old.
If these girls can go after what they dream of, what is stopping us from our dreams?
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Well the car is going to cost me several hundred dollars because of another problem with it in addition to the air conditioner. But I am going to get it fixed because it's still a pretty good car with no payments and cheaper than buying something and making payments. Somehow it's all going to work out. That's what I keep telling myself.
We all have stress to deal with. SOme days it's more intense, and some days its less but we all have it. Some days are crisis mode, then sometimes the things pile up until it goes past crisis and I just reach a place where I "give up" but not in a bad way. I stop trying to control every little thing and step back and take a deep breath and realize I can't always see the answer right away but if I'm patient it will appear. Like days I've had where everything seems to be going wrong till finally I reach a point where one more thing goes wrong and I just laugh because I've reached overload and realize I need to just chill out. I don't know if this is making sense as I write it but I hope so. Anyway, I'm kind of at that place now as I've been stressing over getting ready for this vacation and getting the money together and things keep happening like car repairs. I am just going to relax and take things one step at a time and keep the goal of my vacation in mind.
I'v mentioned that my daughter and her kids living with me is also a source of stress. Anytime there is a change in a household dynamic with someone moving in there will be adjustments and stress. There was stress when I took care of my mom for a few years and it kept building during the last several months of her life. I had a few people say just put her in a nursing home and then I wouldn't have the stress. But I couldn't do that unless it came to the point where I couldn't do it. I was honest with her and told her it might come to that point but we'd just have to take it one day at a time. I'm so glad I didn't quit just because it was stressful. And so glad that it didn't reach the point where it truly was more than I could do. Now I'm dealing with my daughter and grandkids. Most importantly the grandkids. I've been told to tell her she has to leave by some. I don't believe that's the solution yet. Maybe one day, but not yet. She's not behaving badly but she does have a lot of problems, including medical. But I also feel that the family commitment for my grandkids is a huge reason to deal with the stress. I might blog about it and complain about it and be frustrated at times, but having a place where my grandkids can have a stable family life while they, as a family, are going through adjustments is extremely important to me. They are 3, 7 and 10 years old. And helping my daughter find her way through a tough time is also important to me. I can't just tell my daughter she's on her own and take the kids and leave knowing she doesn't have any money or resources right now and physically is not well just because I feel stressed. I couldn't walk away from my kids when they were little because I felt stressed, and almost any mother has days when the stress of parenting makes her want to run away! But we get through it and deal with it and reap a lot of joy and rewards in the midst of the stress. There does sometimes come times in families when you do have to say enough. I've been there before too. And I've done the tough love stuff. But every situation has to be evluated and each decision made on the particular circumstances of that particular situation. So as I work through this situation there is opportunity for me to learn and grown and change too, as well as everyone else involved. Like rough rocks thrown into a tumbler and rubbed together until they are polished.
So this is my blog of today. Went for a 3 miles walk this morning and to my noon water aerobics class and now hoping (probably in vain) that the clouds I see are actually going to bring some rain!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Okay, I'm really going to try to blog once a day. Even if I don't have anything profound or earth shattering to share.
Today I did manage to get myself up and out running early this morning. I manage to do that about once a week. The rest of the time my runs are on the treadmill at the gym because if I don't get out before 7 am it's too hot. I'm up early many days but not moving and usually just sparking for a while. I really do like running on the trails on some state land about 15 minutes from my house that is called a game preserve because they don't allow hunting of any animals on that area. It's not that there's a lot of wild game running around there, but there are elk or deer mostly although I never see them when I'm out running. There may be more much further in than I go, because it extends for I don't know how many miles back in and is a pretty large area but some goes back into areas I've never been in that does border on some forest service property. During fall and winter months it's safer on the game preserve because you don't have hunters of all kinds of different animals at all different hunting seasons.
Anyway, I'm getting off track. I ran probably about a total of 2 of the 4 miles I did. No place out there is flat and the route I went today had more a long steeper uphill and then downhill than some of the other trails that have more gradual climbs. This was the old road that was abandoned years ago and closed off but used to be the road between an area called Arenas Valley and the Fort Bayard fort, which now is a state hospital. It was 2 miles each way. It was nice in some ways going that way but it had been many years since since I had been there and forgotten how there is such large chunks of old pavement that makes you watch more closely than the trails going in other directions. But at least I didn't trip this time like I did last week. Took 1 hour to do the 4 miles with walk/run intervals.
I tend to feel like it's only in the 70's at that time so why am I finding it so hard to run? That shouldn't seem that hot. But then on one of the teams I'm on there was a post from a book by running trainer Jeff Galloway that talked about how the body reacts to the heat when it gets out of the 50's and into the 60's and that you aren't going to be able to go as fast. So then I understood more why 70's is having this toll on me. I had definitely done better when the mornings were still chilly.
Lots of stress right now. My daughter who has been living with me with her kids for the past few months is driving me crazy. My car's a/c quit on me a few days ago and I'm taking it in tomorrow to try to have it fixed and hoping it's not going to be a huge bill. I'm driving to California in a week and need that a/c!!!! But somehow it's going to work out. Found out I have to go 2 hours away in the opposite direction to a staff meeting the day before I start vacation, which I did not want to do. Some big bosses from Albuquerque coming down for a regional training from 10-12. I though okay, I can leave right after and be here by 2 pm. That I knew about last week. Then today I got an e-mail from my supervisor that there will be a follow up team meeting from 12 -3 pm. I e-mailed my supervisor if I could skip the second one since I had things for both work and to get ready for this almost-1100 mile drive the following day. She said one of the big bosses is going to be there during the luncheon and I should stay for at least that part and leave before it's over. That meeting is at a restaurant and I know that by the time everyone gets there from the first location, orders, and they get around to what the big boss is going to say it's going to be at least 1 before she starts if not later. Guess I'll just have to deal with it. But I'm not happy about it.
Anyway, counting the days until I get to I leave. My brother said to bring a jacket because they have plans to take me to a River Cats baseball game, their local AAA team and it's by the river and gets chilly. Sounds like fun. I like baseball but haven't been to anything but Little League live games in years and years. I was surprised at the need for a jacket because I hear how hot and humid it gets in Sacramento but I'm glad he told me to be prepared so I will be.
Lots of things to get wrapped up over the next week till I leave early early on July 1st!!! 4th of July with my brother and family in Sacramento! Yeah!!!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
I was going through old pictures this morning because I thought about doing a picture thing with pictures from me in the past and my journey with being overweight since way back in childhood. I found a few from my childhood. I tried to find some as an adult. There's so many missing!!! No because they are lost or stolen but because I didn't like the way I looked and so avoided the camera. Only a few pictures and most of them I was hiding behind someone or something. Pictures when my kids and grandkids were little, pictures of trips I've been on, pictures of events, all with me just behind the camera. I've got pictures of my dogs and pictures of a cat I had and more pictures of my mother than of me, who also hated to have her pictures taken. It makes me sad now because I realize how little I have in the way of pictures to leave my kids and grandkids in memories. I'm the main picture taker in the family, and they have a few they've taken of me but I hadn't realized just how much I hid from the camera. Or how much it might mean someday when I'm gone for my future generations.
I remember when I was at the Grand Canyon in 2001 and I was taking pictures of the views and this woman asked me if I wanted her to take a picture of me standing there and I laughed and told her no, I prefered the scenery without my picture in it. The funny thing is now, since I've lost 65 lbs, there have been a few things I've been at where I've actually asked someone else to take my picture with my camera. I'm not shy about the camera anymore, even though I'm still about 30 lbs from where I want to be. But I'm smaller than I've been in my adult life before. Of course, I wish that I had never been fat and had always looked great in pictures. That would be the ideal! But then if that didn't happen I wish I would have felt a little better about myself and not hid from the camera all the time. But when you weight 225 lbs or more (my highest was at least 245, may I have gotten a little higher when I wasn't weighing) it's really hard to have that self esteem. Some people do manage, no matter what the weight, but for the majority of us we don't want to be confronted by what we look like and don't want pictures to remind us.
Nothing I can do about the past and the pictures that I should have been in but aren't, like my daughter's wedding pictures. But I can be proud of where I'm at now, even if not perfect, and I can make sure there are pictures of the rest of my life to pass on.
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