LINDAANNB1   6,751
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Why did I do this to myself ?????

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

I have not been doing so well since just before Easter.... I had gotten back on track for awhile, then I fell back into my old habits and havn't gotten back up yet.
I know what I need to do, I just need to do it. Sounds easy doesn't it ?
I have spent time this morning reading my past posts and blogs, I know I have an "all or nothing problem" that I struggle with daily. It gets me in trouble a lot.
I am also really good at making excuse, although that doesn't help the situation either.
Going to work on the fighting the "all or nothing " starting today. Baby steps .... going to get some water in today, something I have hardly drank in the last month or so, going to replace most of the sugary drinks I have been drinking lately with water. It's a start ! I need to remind myself how crappy I feel when I don't look after myself. I can do this, I will do this :)

  
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LORIVIOLA 8/7/2014 9:41AM

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MAYBER 7/17/2014 11:50PM

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LINDAANNB1 7/13/2014 8:45AM

    Good morning! I am still working on the baby steps, I have started walking on my lunch break, it is not a long walk but I am moving:) still working on the water, easy to do that when it is been so hot here lately. Still not perfect in my food choices but am working on portion sizes right now. This is not going to happen all in one day but it will happen I will succeed in the weight loss battle eventually !

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CARINEVE 7/11/2014 11:13AM

    Hi Linda,

Thanks for your honesty. I know exactly what you mean, why is it so hard?
Hope you were successful with your babysteps and you are proud of what you have accomplished so far.
There is no rush, as long as you are doing better than before, you are on the right track.
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LADYSHERRY 6/4/2014 6:22PM

    You are doing the right thing. Picking yourself up and doing it again. Hang in there. I look at the spark articles and have run across really good ones. I like the 10 steps to stop emotional eating. I'm on step two and have been for a while but, I'll get through them.
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MRSRIGS1 5/27/2014 4:38PM

    emoticon Baby steps at a time. I think if you work on one thing, i.e. drinking your water, once your body becomes accustomed to doing that then work on another thing. One baby step-at-a-time emoticon

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WANDERUNNER 5/26/2014 1:52PM

    I completely know what you mean...the "all or nothing" attitude is one of my biggest hurdles but we just need to remember that small steps are still steps in the right direction :) Just need to take it one day at a time!
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OHMEMEME 5/25/2014 11:19AM

    Thoughts are with you. Best wishes. We can do this! emoticon

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LINDAANNB1 5/25/2014 9:43AM

    Good morning everyone :) I am so overwhelmed by all the kind words and support from everyone. It is so nice to have this support. I just finished reading every post on my blog, my heart is full of love and my eyes are filled with tears of happiness knowing I have all of you on my side, cheering me on and supporting me all the way !!! This means more than you'll ever know.
I am motivated to do this, I know I will have days that I am not going to be but I am going to work on that ugly "all or nothing" attitude so it doesn't continue to run my life.
Someone very close to me has decided to have gastric bypass to help her lose weight as she feels this is what she needs to do for her, that is definitely not an option for me and we had a real good talk on losing weight and the consequences of not losing weight. I don't want to live a shorter life, an unhealthy life where I a limited to what I can do and can enjoy doing because of my weight. It's time for me to stop letting food and this extra weight control my life!!!
Thanks again my spark friends, you sure know how to make a girl feel special :)
I plan on blogging and posting more frequently, the good and the bad days. Smaller, healthier, happier me, here I come !

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STEVIEBEE569 5/24/2014 1:20PM

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CORNERKICK 5/24/2014 1:51AM

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DJ4HEALTH 5/23/2014 11:05PM

    I thought that you were talking about me since that sounds like what happened to me since my husbands passing last year.

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GORDON66 5/23/2014 9:40PM

  You go girl!!!

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MSROZZIE 5/23/2014 8:08PM

    Savor the good feelings, stay focused on your progress and drink lots of water! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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CHERIJ16 5/23/2014 6:28PM

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GRATEFUL_BEING 5/23/2014 3:55PM

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JILLAJ 5/23/2014 2:39PM

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I find myself doing the same thing: all or nothing. But when I get on a roll I can stay on it for a while. Just remember keep up exercising at least...when the eating gets off track you are still burning more calories than if you aren't working out at all.



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LIZZIE138 5/23/2014 2:33PM

    emoticon I'm in the same place you are right now. All we can do is keep on taking one baby step at a time to get back on track.

Just got back from a 27 minutes bike ride. My baby step for the day.

Comment edited on: 5/23/2014 2:33:32 PM

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CINDYVASK 5/23/2014 12:55PM

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BRENGODOY 5/23/2014 12:38PM

    I glad I found this blog I feel like I am not alone. emoticon emoticon

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EDDYMEESE 5/23/2014 12:00PM

    We all know that baby steps work...so why do we get caught up in the "all or nothing" approach??? UGH. I'm with you, sister! We can do this :)

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COMET1MAMA 5/23/2014 11:51AM

  wow its like you are reading my thoughts

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NEWGOALS4ME 5/23/2014 11:26AM

    Wow Linda, I am so happy that I came across your blog! First, because I too struggle with the motivation of myself. Yes, I can be your best cheerleader ever, and I know all of the "rules" to healthy weight loss. So why can't I apply any of this to my own behavior? I have no idea. I've always known that I'm not alone with this situation, but I've never tried to connect with another person with the same "issues" as I have. So, thank you for your post. It helps me a lot!

Second reason is that I've been away from Sparkpeople for a while, and the incredible support you are receiving from the members here reminds me why I enjoyed this website so much several years ago when I was more active here. Thank you too, for that reminder!

And to all of the wonderful members of Sparkpeople out there, YOU ARE ALL WONDERFUL!!!

Susan emoticon emoticon

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MCMASTER1205 5/23/2014 11:13AM

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DUNDER62 5/23/2014 10:07AM

  It's so hard to get back on track. I cut out everything but water and now it's all I want! I was drinking 3-4 pops a day, but I'm feeling so much better without it. You can do it!

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BGOLIC 5/23/2014 9:58AM

    I face the same struggles daily and have to keep reminding myself, I can control this, and I can do this. So can you !

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MTN_KITTEN 5/23/2014 9:34AM

    Take a deep breath ... you can do this. Strive for consistency not perfection.

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JP6262AMY 5/23/2014 8:46AM

    I'm right there with ya.....

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PIGGYWAY 5/23/2014 7:55AM

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BIGDOG18 5/23/2014 6:34AM

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COLUMBINE2 5/23/2014 12:39AM

    I did the same thing you did! Then I joined a challenge which encouraged us to eat more veggies...like a LOT of veggies. 5 servings a day. I like fruit better, but I gave it a try. I don't know why, but the scale is going down, down, down. In 6 yrs w/ SP, I've never had this kind of weight loss.

So there's an idea for you. It's sure working for me & I'm astounded! If I can do it, you CERTAINLY can do it. Jump back on the wagon with me -- I'm saving you a seat! emoticon

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DAISYPETAL 5/22/2014 10:59PM

    Linda, I just happened to run across your blog as it is quite popular. Why is it popular? My guess is that it is something that everyone of us struggle with daily. Some of us get to that magic number we call a goal but the rest of us struggle and fall BUT, I guess the way I feel is that ONE day we will not fall, we will keep struggling until we pass that little mountain that we have to cross. We will just say to ourselves, do I want to really stay on this diet or do I just say I want to do it? I have always wanted to be thinner and I don't mean real skinny, For ME, I only want to lose to get to 183. I can still look good at that weight at least for a few more years and then it will just be flab. :) I am slowly moving forward and if I get to a mountain I will not fall down this time and if I do I am going to get right back up because I DO want this more than anything that I can think of. I want to look and feel better. That is what you want also. You are crying on the inside and hating when you don't do what your body knows is best. The food and sugar drinks seem to be more important. Maybe just ask yourself this " Does this food taste as good as The Way I Want To LOOK?
Hugs and good luck. Maybe this is the time and maybe you are not ready BUT I think you are and I think you will do it. I can't wait to start seeing your after pictures. Hugs, Jude

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AMBER461 5/22/2014 10:47PM

  Thanks for sharing.

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HARLEYANGELONE 5/22/2014 10:38PM

    You are not alone we have all been their one time or another. Keep posting blogs and use the tools on the site. My problem was I gave up spark people and that is when the weight snuck up on me. Use the food journal that was the best tool for me. We all know what has to be done, but doing it is another story. It sounds so easy but it is a struggle everyday. Do something to remind yourself to drink your water maybe use elastics around your wrist. Remember the little engine that could .. You can do it!! Don't give up on yourself , keep going and if you slip up a day that's ok just get back at it the next. Wishing you all the best on your journey..
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WHYNOTMENOW 5/22/2014 9:43PM

    I am with you! Dont give up and trust the process! You can do it!

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JSEATTLE 5/22/2014 9:37PM

  It always sounds so easy but it is one day at a time, one step at a time, one glass of water at a time! emoticon

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KMRJPR 5/22/2014 8:50PM

    Being honest with yourself and owning the problem is half the battle!

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SHOAPIE 5/22/2014 8:16PM

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CRAZYWRITER 5/22/2014 7:15PM

    Just remember that everything good you do is a step forward. Its okay if you make mistakes just keep pushing forward.

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SIOL55 5/22/2014 6:28PM

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AJB121299 5/22/2014 5:38PM

    nice

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NEWTINK 5/22/2014 5:30PM

    Set the all at 1 ... when you get that one then set the all at 1 again ... As long as you are looking for one then you will have your all . emoticon

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WORKNPROGRESS49 5/22/2014 4:05PM

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MARYJEANSL 5/22/2014 3:14PM

  It is so hard! I know exactly how you feel, because I am dealing with many of the same things myself. But you can do it!!

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PATTISTAMPS 5/22/2014 2:15PM

    We all know what to do... And sometimes we have to kick ourselves in the butt to make ourselves do it! So consider this a push... jump back on the wagon, and get yourself healthy! You KNOW you want to! Does what you are eating and drinking taste as good as it feels when someone says - WOW! You've lost weight!??? Light your Spark and let's DO this!!!

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KHALIA2 5/22/2014 2:10PM

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HMBROWN1 5/22/2014 2:09PM

    Like all previous posters, this sounds just like me. Congrats on turning it around today though! Day by day. And don't beat yourself up if you slip up one day. It happens. It's a marathon, not a race.

Best wishes - Heather

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BLPRETTYGIRL1 5/22/2014 2:03PM

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Comment edited on: 5/22/2014 2:04:10 PM

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A letter to me ....

Sunday, April 07, 2013

As I am getting ready to begin the journey to a healthier, happier and smaller me, I want to write a letter to myself so when I look back six months, one year or five years from now, I don't want to forget how I feel right now and never want to feel this way again.
I have been busy all morning stuffing my face like I am going into hibernation, trying to eat everything I think I may crave for in the days and weeks to come,
I have serious aches and pains especially in my knees and back, my stomach bothers me alot, my fingers and feet are always swollen from salt overdose. My energy levels are almost non existant, every day chores are a real big deal now. I am so embarrassed to go anywhere, I have to take extra caution as to where I sit to make sure I don't break yet another chair ( already broke 2), cannot fit comfortably in a booth, can barely buckle my seatbelt.
My self esteem is also very low, I don't feel like I am good enough for my husband or anyone in my life. I know, sounds quite depressing right, well got a bit of that going on too.
I am a very unhappy 342 lb 46 year old woman who drastically needs to make some serious changes.
Note to self, Don't ever forget how I am feeling right now, I never ever want to feel this way again.
I struggle with an all or nothing mentality, I am really going to have to work on that.
Self, aren't you so glad that you took that first step ! Be proud of what you have accomplished and remember, this is all so worth it! You are worth it!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2014TODAY 5/13/2014 9:18AM

    I just subscribed to your blog. Please start blogging frequently about how you're doing so you can get support!

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RUMBLESEAT 9/7/2013 9:38AM

    This made me cry.
I can relate to the feeling of depression and low self-esteem.

I will be cheering you on, even if you can't hear me!

You deserve to be happier and feeling better!

emoticon ...you WILL do it!! emoticon

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Been doing alot of thinking .....

Saturday, April 06, 2013

I have been doing alot of thinking lately about my life. Last night when I went to bed and couldn't sleep , I tried to figure out just what went wrong in my life, how I ended up today at 342 lbs. I've always struggled with weight but not to this extent. When I got married I weighed 200 lbs less then I do now ! Thinking about that last night really hit me hard, what have I done to myself ? This extra weight I am carrying around is affecting me in so many ways .... I have absolutely no energy, therefore my house, vehicle and surroundings are usually always a mess and I was never like that. Physically, I am played out trying to do everyday chores, even going for walk really hurts as carrying all that extra weight is so difficult. I have an office job so I rarely get any exercise at work and I feel it everyday. I honestly don't remember the last time I was truly hungry. I don't give my body time to feel that way. I have broken a chair and a sofa leg from sitting on it, I have to ask for a table in restaurants because I cannot fit comfortably in a booth which is embarrassing to say the least. I have very few options for clothing shopping, The only things that will fit are stretchy material or old people looking clothes. I get so envious of my friends who can wear all those pretty things, especially with summer coming.
I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, my husband is wonderful and loves no matter my size but he has expressed concern for my health, he sees how my weight is affecting me. I have been lucky so far. No major health issues, I have been told to lose weight.
My self esteem, well I really don't have much of one right at the moment. I know I am a little depressed sometimes, hard not be when you are this much over weight.
I struggle every day with an all or nothing attitude, always have. If I have one bad meal, I will let that ruin my day and usually the rest of that week.
I've looked back at all my past posts and they are all so negative, very seldom have I posted anything positive. I have not used SP faithfully, I need to be on here everyday using the free resources to me and leaning on my spark friends for support.
I am going to try doing things a little differently, as Archidemes says, small steps, small changes. Everything does not have to be all or nothing.
Sorry for such a long post, going to get myself going this morning and try to start making some of those healthier changes !

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SLIMMERKIWI 4/8/2013 3:23AM

    It makes me wonder if you are suffering from clinical depression, but don't realize it. It would certainly explain a lot of what you have described - including the low self-esteem.

How long since you have been to the Dr and had a thorough check? It might be worth telling your Dr what you are wanting to do, and get checked for medical problems which can impact on us with weight and depression. Diabetes and Hypothyroidism are just two of these conditions. While you are there, it wouldn't hurt for you to ask for a referral to a Therapist to help you with your self-esteem and other things in you life which can impact on you - grief; anxiety; your struggle with an all or nothing attitude; etc. etc. I can tell you from experience that they can be a wonderful adjunct in our lives.

Make sure that you get clearance from your Dr regarding exercise - as in what types and how much, and what is best left alone!

Good luck,
Kris

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FATTYBOUMBA 4/6/2013 9:49AM

  We have our good days and our bad days. We fall off the wagon we get back on. You can do it.

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LKWILKINS1 4/6/2013 8:32AM

  The last paragraph in your post shows that you know what to do. "Small steps, small changes." Try starting with a 10 minute walk each day, or 5 if 10 is too much. Pick one small diet change for example swap out one soda a day for a glass of water, or even juice. You won't see major changes right away but if you can prove to yourself that you can be successful with a couple small changes, you will be able to continue making small steps toward your long term goals. You will start to feel good about yourself and if you keep adding to your small goals the pounds will drop. I wish you the best.

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Time ..........

Sunday, February 12, 2012

I wrote this just before the holidays and thought I destroyed it. I kept it for some reason and so I have decided to share it.
Here goes ....

Time .....

We think we have lots of it! But we also tend to waste alot of it. Time we dont get back.
Here I am, 45 years old and 160 lbs over weight. My legs and back ache and who am I kidding everything aches each and every day. My energy levels are a 5 out of 10 on a good day. My stomach bothers me all the time. I get put of puff doing simple things and it takes nothing to break me out into a sweat. My feet and fingers swell up like balloons because I overdose on salt every day.
I can honestly say I dont remember the last time I was honest and truly really hungry. and thats just the physical part of it.
At 330 lbs. , I am ashamed of how I look to the point that I would not even wear a pair of shorts in public this summer. I declined an offer to meet up with old school friends because I am so emabarrased about how I look, and what I have done to myself.Everday I hate trying to find something to wear that doesnt make be look like a big fat cow. Its hard to look good in clothes when your largest size 26 is snapping tight.
My husband asked me recently why I dont wear jeans anymore. I made some silly excuse but truth is, I have none that fit and it is really hard to find some that do. Stretch and elastic have become my new best friends.
I have started making fat jokes about myself to ease uncomfortable situations, and I laugh it off when someone else does even though I am crying inside...
I have wasted a big part of my life being overweight, fighting to lose it only to gain it back and more.
A friend of mine asked me recently what was bothering me to keep me from losing weight, I honestly have nothing that should be making me eat the way I do except the fact that I love food and I am addicted to it. Yes, I am a food addict.
I have lost interest in alot of things I use to really enjoy like gardening, tending my flowers, going for walks, keeping my house clean. Its just not like me to be so disorganized. I dont like what and who I have become.
I have lied about how much I weigh and how much I have gained because I am too embarassed to tell the truth.
Recently I broke a chair at work, I laughed it off and made an excuse as to why the chaior broke, it was old and the wheel was sticking. Whatever. My coworkers were very respectful, laughed with me and not at me when they knew I was ok. They listened to my excuses for it breaking and nothing else was ever said.
Well having said all that,
I have realized it is time to start taking better care of myself, give up my all or nothing attitude and to remember that I will have days that are not so great and that is ok as long as I pick myself up and get going again.
I am 45 years old and getting bigger and older every day. If I dont make these important life changes now, I am headed for a shorter life of probably many ailments and misery. I dont want that so its up to me to make th changes I need to make, enjoy what life has to offer and to remember that if I do slip up once in a while its not the end of the world. I will just pick myself up and keep on going.
I will do this this time I am worth it. Its all up to me. I just need to make better use of the precious time that we are all given. emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TAYLORLUV47 3/29/2014 4:46PM

    You made me cry! lol
I can relate to so much you said in this post. The only difference is that I am still 18. I need to turn my life around before time begins to slip away from me as well. I fear going through college and my twenties looking the way I do. I have only one pair of jeans that still fit me and am straining my 3x clothes... I can't live like this anymore!
Your posts inspire me and make me believe that we can do this!
Thank you
Meredith

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MINDBEND 12/6/2012 2:08PM

    Hey...just saw ur post today and read this blog too...do you ever think you may be suffering from depression? That can make you unmotivated and feeling like staying under the bed covers all day. I suffer from it too. Talk to a counselor or your doctor and seek help. Once you get on medication, I think you will be much more upbeat about life and be more motivated to make healthier life choices. Just a suggestion, please don't take offense.

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LOVE4KITTIES 2/17/2012 3:05PM

    Yes, Lindaann! You ARE worth it!

You are doing a GREAT job with your weight loss so far (23 lbs!!!!! :))! Just keep at it. You CAN AND WILL do it!

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MISSRUTH 2/15/2012 7:50PM

    I like to blog, myself, because then I've got all this stuff written down, where I can read back through it if I feel like the going's just gotten too tough. And then I can ask myself, is not eating all these chocolates, tougher than how I felt when I came back to SparkPeople? Is getting out there and exercising today, tougher than feeling like my pants were cutting off all the circulation to my legs, every time I sat down?

The best thing is, we don't have to live the rest of our lives, today. We just have to live today, today. Make the best choices we can, just for today. All the "todays" will add up. You CAN do this!!

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LLINDY65 2/12/2012 11:49AM

    Hun I just turned 47 and I too figured I had lots of time..... but as I am sure you know as we get older, time just spins faster!

The first part of February, I weighed in at the docs at 318 and then a few days later got called in to discuss the results of my blood work....

I had myself pushing up daises, worried about what they were going to tell me. I went in and had to wait nearly an hour before the doctor came in..... I was given the diagnosis of diabetes.

Now is the time! There is no time to wait anymore... I am here if you ever want to talk.

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JEEPINRED 2/12/2012 11:38AM

    I think being honest with ourselves is the first step to success and you sound pretty damn honest here. I'm glad you shared and there are many of us on this journey and I know you can do. Make yourself #1. Good luck and take it one day at a time.

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I lost this week :) !!!

Saturday, September 11, 2010

I am very happy to say that I have lost 4.4 lbs. on the first week of my journey to a healthier happier me :) !

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

2QUILTS4ME 9/11/2010 10:11AM

    Congratulations! Keep Sparking! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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MNNURSEKATIE 9/11/2010 9:12AM

    Wow excellent.
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