Sunday, April 07, 2013
As I am getting ready to begin the journey to a healthier, happier and smaller me, I want to write a letter to myself so when I look back six months, one year or five years from now, I don't want to forget how I feel right now and never want to feel this way again.
I have been busy all morning stuffing my face like I am going into hibernation, trying to eat everything I think I may crave for in the days and weeks to come,
I have serious aches and pains especially in my knees and back, my stomach bothers me alot, my fingers and feet are always swollen from salt overdose. My energy levels are almost non existant, every day chores are a real big deal now. I am so embarrassed to go anywhere, I have to take extra caution as to where I sit to make sure I don't break yet another chair ( already broke 2), cannot fit comfortably in a booth, can barely buckle my seatbelt.
My self esteem is also very low, I don't feel like I am good enough for my husband or anyone in my life. I know, sounds quite depressing right, well got a bit of that going on too.
I am a very unhappy 342 lb 46 year old woman who drastically needs to make some serious changes.
Note to self, Don't ever forget how I am feeling right now, I never ever want to feel this way again.
I struggle with an all or nothing mentality, I am really going to have to work on that.
Self, aren't you so glad that you took that first step ! Be proud of what you have accomplished and remember, this is all so worth it! You are worth it!
Saturday, April 06, 2013
I have been doing alot of thinking lately about my life. Last night when I went to bed and couldn't sleep , I tried to figure out just what went wrong in my life, how I ended up today at 342 lbs. I've always struggled with weight but not to this extent. When I got married I weighed 200 lbs less then I do now ! Thinking about that last night really hit me hard, what have I done to myself ? This extra weight I am carrying around is affecting me in so many ways .... I have absolutely no energy, therefore my house, vehicle and surroundings are usually always a mess and I was never like that. Physically, I am played out trying to do everyday chores, even going for walk really hurts as carrying all that extra weight is so difficult. I have an office job so I rarely get any exercise at work and I feel it everyday. I honestly don't remember the last time I was truly hungry. I don't give my body time to feel that way. I have broken a chair and a sofa leg from sitting on it, I have to ask for a table in restaurants because I cannot fit comfortably in a booth which is embarrassing to say the least. I have very few options for clothing shopping, The only things that will fit are stretchy material or old people looking clothes. I get so envious of my friends who can wear all those pretty things, especially with summer coming.
I am so uncomfortable in my own skin, my husband is wonderful and loves no matter my size but he has expressed concern for my health, he sees how my weight is affecting me. I have been lucky so far. No major health issues, I have been told to lose weight.
My self esteem, well I really don't have much of one right at the moment. I know I am a little depressed sometimes, hard not be when you are this much over weight.
I struggle every day with an all or nothing attitude, always have. If I have one bad meal, I will let that ruin my day and usually the rest of that week.
I've looked back at all my past posts and they are all so negative, very seldom have I posted anything positive. I have not used SP faithfully, I need to be on here everyday using the free resources to me and leaning on my spark friends for support.
I am going to try doing things a little differently, as Archidemes says, small steps, small changes. Everything does not have to be all or nothing.
Sorry for such a long post, going to get myself going this morning and try to start making some of those healthier changes !
Sunday, February 12, 2012
I wrote this just before the holidays and thought I destroyed it. I kept it for some reason and so I have decided to share it.
Here goes ....
We think we have lots of it! But we also tend to waste alot of it. Time we dont get back.
Here I am, 45 years old and 160 lbs over weight. My legs and back ache and who am I kidding everything aches each and every day. My energy levels are a 5 out of 10 on a good day. My stomach bothers me all the time. I get put of puff doing simple things and it takes nothing to break me out into a sweat. My feet and fingers swell up like balloons because I overdose on salt every day.
I can honestly say I dont remember the last time I was honest and truly really hungry. and thats just the physical part of it.
At 330 lbs. , I am ashamed of how I look to the point that I would not even wear a pair of shorts in public this summer. I declined an offer to meet up with old school friends because I am so emabarrased about how I look, and what I have done to myself.Everday I hate trying to find something to wear that doesnt make be look like a big fat cow. Its hard to look good in clothes when your largest size 26 is snapping tight.
My husband asked me recently why I dont wear jeans anymore. I made some silly excuse but truth is, I have none that fit and it is really hard to find some that do. Stretch and elastic have become my new best friends.
I have started making fat jokes about myself to ease uncomfortable situations, and I laugh it off when someone else does even though I am crying inside...
I have wasted a big part of my life being overweight, fighting to lose it only to gain it back and more.
A friend of mine asked me recently what was bothering me to keep me from losing weight, I honestly have nothing that should be making me eat the way I do except the fact that I love food and I am addicted to it. Yes, I am a food addict.
I have lost interest in alot of things I use to really enjoy like gardening, tending my flowers, going for walks, keeping my house clean. Its just not like me to be so disorganized. I dont like what and who I have become.
I have lied about how much I weigh and how much I have gained because I am too embarassed to tell the truth.
Recently I broke a chair at work, I laughed it off and made an excuse as to why the chaior broke, it was old and the wheel was sticking. Whatever. My coworkers were very respectful, laughed with me and not at me when they knew I was ok. They listened to my excuses for it breaking and nothing else was ever said.
Well having said all that,
I have realized it is time to start taking better care of myself, give up my all or nothing attitude and to remember that I will have days that are not so great and that is ok as long as I pick myself up and get going again.
I am 45 years old and getting bigger and older every day. If I dont make these important life changes now, I am headed for a shorter life of probably many ailments and misery. I dont want that so its up to me to make th changes I need to make, enjoy what life has to offer and to remember that if I do slip up once in a while its not the end of the world. I will just pick myself up and keep on going.
I will do this this time I am worth it. Its all up to me. I just need to make better use of the precious time that we are all given.
Saturday, September 11, 2010
I am very happy to say that I have lost 4.4 lbs. on the first week of my journey to a healthier happier me :) !
Sunday, July 11, 2010
I was just checking my page and realized it has been almost 1 year since I have posted.
I was down 48.5 lbs then . I have since regained most of that, I am now only down 16.5 lbs.
Very discouraging. I could probably have been alot closer to my goal if I had just stuck with my plan. I am so mad at myself :((
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