Monday, April 04, 2011
One must want the consequences of what one wants."
It's been almost 20 years since I graduated from high school, and while I may not remember everything I learned from books or lectures, there are some things I will never forget. This quote is one of them. It was uttered almost daily from Mr. Johnson, my biology teacher. Somebody got an MIP over the weekend, this was his response. Somebody failed a test because they chose to go to a movie instead of study...you guessed it. Over the years, this one sentence has popped into my head time and time again when I have looked at the mistakes others have made. Unfortunately, it hasn't been until today that I've looked at the path I've taken in my life and applied this little bit of knowledge to myself.
My road between college and the present has been rocky, to say the least. I made my share of bad decisions and at the time, had you asked me if the consequences were what I had wanted, I would have said you were crazy. Who wants to have to keep your blinds drawn, never answer your front door, screen your phone calls, and not say your name when you answer the phone at work because bill collectors are constantly calling, and people are always trying to serve you court papers? Surely I did not voluntarily want to live that way. But, I did want to do the things that got me to that point. I wish Mr. Johnson's voice would have been running through my head when I was making those choices.
There are so many other times in my life I wish I would have thought about that statement, but as they say, hindsight's 20/20.
I've had issues with my weight and food since I was in grade school, and I can't go back to being 9 years old and necessarily say I CHOSE to be overweight. But, when I look at everything I've done since I was really old enough to start making my own choices about what/how I ate, how active I was, what other bad habits I chose to make, then I really have to just stop and accept responsibility for my actions. I had the choice in high school to eat from the salad bar at lunch or walk down the street to Bates Motel and grab a huge slice of super cheesy pizza. I also had the choice as to whether or not I chose to participate in sports, or go home and watch soap operas after school. In college, I had access to nutritious meals in the cafeteria, or making macaroni and cheese in my hotpot in my dorm room. Once I moved off campus, I could have walked to my classes everyday instead of driving. And I could have gone dancing every weekend without drinking like a fish and smoking like a chimney. I did what I wanted at the time, which lead to consequences I really wasn't happy with.
I obviously can't go back and change any of the choices I've made in my past. What I can do is learn from them. And I also need to stop using those 9 words in hindsight. I need to start repeating them to myself BEFORE I make a decision. When I open the freezer tonight and stare at the ice cream, knowing if I eat it I will be over my calorie limit for the day, I need to say to myself, "If I want the ice cream, I want the number the scale is going to show at the end of the week." When I think about sitting down at the computer instead of getting my cardio in for the day, I need to tell myself, "I want to play Farmville tonight, that means I want to have to workout on my off day." It's time to start making choices based on what I want the long-term outcome to be instead of what I think I want at the time.
So, today I am choosing to jump back on my path toward better health and weight loss. Those are the consequences I want, so I will consciously chose to want what will bring them.
Sunday, February 13, 2011
So, it's halfway through the month and I pretty much blew my monthly goal in the first week. It seemed perfectly do-able at the time. A 28-day bootcamp. I even printed a calendar and posted it where I would see it every day. I made it through day 5. Even though I managed to lose 1 1/2 pounds in that first week, I completely lost my momentum as soon as I hit a hectic day. I can't change what I did (or didn't do) last week, but I can start over TODAY. But I'm not shooting for another 28 day streak. I'm shooting for 7. My goal this week is to do a bootcamp video every day, and get 30 minutes of cardio at least FOUR times this week (which is what my SP goal is set at anyway). If I can hit that extra day, it will just be a bonus. I've done this before. I know I can do it again. What kind of example am I setting for my daughter by starting something I am not pushing myself to finish?
Friday, October 01, 2010
It's been almost a month since I last posted a blog, and I have decided I need to do it more often. If nothing else, I am going to try to start each month with one. Anything in between will just be a bonus. I think I don't do it often because I really don't know what you're supposed to put in a blog. Is there some sort of "blog etiquette" out there? I guess until I find it, mine will just consist of whatever ramblings flow from my brain to my fingers.
It's been an interesting week. I spent 2 days manning our company's booth at the Central WA State Fair. There is nothing like some good old fashioned people watching to make you really think about how you present yourself to the public. And boy do you ever see folks from just about every walk of life there. Tuesday the place was crawling with teenagers who got a reprieve from school, as most of them close for the day once a year during the fair. Watching all those kids roam around brought back so many memories of my own teenage years and roaming around our county fair with my friends. It also made me think about the fact it won't be all that long until my own children are teenagers, and how I hope they turn out to be more respectful than a great deal of the kids I encountered Tuesday.
I also had a real eye-opener Tuesday. It's funny how just ONE event can really put things in perspective for you. Every year I see people "driving" around the fair in motorized wheelchairs. A great deal of these people are obese. A few years ago, I wouldn't have thought anything about it. Now that I have become more aware of my own weight issues and have been working on getting healthier, I watch these people with a certain longing to just reach out to them and encourage them to get out of the chair and just walk down ONE aisle! I can't help but think to myself these people are giving up on themselves. Or, maybe they are like I was a few years ago. They have just accepted this is the way their life is.
Back to the ONE event...a family went by my booth, father, mother, and daughter. The mother and daughter were both very heavy, and the daughter was pushing the mother in her wheelchair. A short time later a police office came over to the booth and was trying to fill several of our small dixie cups with water from our cooler. I offered to hold a couple while he filled the others and asked if everything was okay. He said someone was having a hard time breathing, but thought they would be okay. Not long after, the EMTs came through the building. When they walked back by me, they were escorting that same daughter outside. She was walking very slow and looked extremely pale. My heart sank. She couldn't have been more than 18. Just walking around and being able to enjoy a day at the fair shouldn't be so hard. It made me realize how important it is I continue to change not only MY lifestyle, but the lifestyle of my famliy. 9 years from now, that very well could have been Kendall and I, had I not woke up and started to do something about my own weight issues. I have to be a better role model for my kids. As much as I want to be healthy, I want even more to make sure THEY are.
This morning, I was walking back to my apartment after taking the kids to the bus stop and I ran into the office manager. We said a casual hello and I kept walking until she called me to come back. She said, "Do you know what you should say to someone when you notice they've lost weight? You should tell them their necklace sure has gotten longer!" She has been on a weightloss journey of her own since spring, and she was one of the first people to mention to me they'd noticed I had been losing when I started SP. This morning she mentioned my neck looked smaller and I really needed to put a necklace on. I told her I'd gained almost 20 lbs back. Her comment kind of surprised me. She said, "Yeah, but your face says you still feel better." It made me smile. It also made me think back to those people at the fair. They weren't smiling. Not many of the people who past me using wheelchairs because they simply couldn't handle all the walking were smiling. And the more I think about it, they were the ones who were least likely to smile back at me when I smiled at them. And I realize, too, had we had that same conversation a few months ago, I don't think she would have said that to me. Because I wasn't trying then. I was in my little funk and not caring and about to resign myself, once again, to just living my life at 230 lbs. My face says I feel better because, well, I DO. Because I am being proactive in my own fight against obesity. I am DOING something about it.
And, if this blog has made sense to anyone, well, maybe my rambling isn't as random as I think?
Saturday, September 04, 2010
So, I've always told myself, when I decide I want to do something, I need to make sure I'm doing it because I want to...for ME. I quit smoking because I wanted to. I started on this weightloss journey because I wanted to. I wanted to feel better, and look better. BUT, sometimes you really do have to consider the other people in your life, because everything you do effects them. Especially when you have kids. While I have not had a cigarette in well over a month, I cannot say I've done so well on the weightloss front. As a matter of fact, I haven't really made much progress at all, and have even gained weight. Today, though, I am putting my best foot forward and trying, at least for today, to be better. Why? Well, I have a little extra incentive.
When I took Kendall to the doc the other night, I was horrified at the scale when the nurse weighed her. I've known she was gaining too much weight for a long time, and have tried to be more careful about watching her eating habits, but obviously I haven't been doing enough. At 9 she's tipping the scales at just over 100 lbs! Then, when Josh picked his 14-yr-old up last night, her mother informed him she is now on a "diet." (I informed him we do not call it that in this house!) At 14, she is now up to 190 lbs. She's gained 30 lbs over the summer. It sounds like they are working on making a healthier lifestyle change as a family, so that is what I am determined to do HERE as well. Josh is balking at the idea, but I've decided he is going to be fending for himself from now on. When I cook meals, they are going to be healthier. If I have to sneak veggies into something to get the kids to eat them, I will. I am going to watch portion sizes, and try to only cook enough so that everyone gets ONE serving. If there isn't any thing leftover, there will be no temptation to go back for 2nds. If we have snack foods around, they will be healthy snacks.
As much as I want to get back on track for ME, I HAVE to get back on track for the sake of everyone else. I want to be a good role model for my kids. I HAVE to be. It's my job as a mother. Society can blame fastfood restaurants all they want for the obesity epidemic in our country. I don't blame them. They don't make me eat there. I chose that. They don't decide what my children eat, and how much, and how often. I do. And they can't make me change those decisions, either. Only I can. And I will. Not only because I want to, but because I have to. I have to stop the epidemic in MY family. Hopefully I can instill the importance of a healthier lifestyle in my children and prevent them from going through this with THEIR children.
Friday, August 13, 2010
So, I stepped on the scale Monday morning and rather than a weight reflective of all of the exercise I had gotten in last week (surely it would be down at LEAST a pound!) it was UP. Not just a pound, but 3! HOW IS THAT POSSIBLE??? I even tracked my food. Yeah, I was close to the upper end of my range most days, but STILL! Okay, yes, I am not smoking and I feel like my thyroid might be a little out of whack, so I know my metabolism is off. But I was SOOOO active! There was only ONE DAY where I wasn't in the pool!
Oh wait. There was that day I didn't bother to log that piece of cheese I ate before I went to bed. And...ummm...the cake. Yeah, don't think that made it on my log, either. Pretty sure I only put in one serving of spaghetti. Not the actual three I ate. And, well, perhaps that steak was a little bigger than I thought.
Be real with yourself here, Danielle. Yes, you spent a ton of time in the pool, and burned twice what your goal was for the week. But you also ate probably twice what your calorie intake was supposed to be. And the smoking? Yep. Be proud of how far you've come. This isn't easy, but you're doing it! But don't blame your weight gain on that. The thyroid? Well, maybe it's out of whack because you're not eating right. Maybe it's not working properly because you are gaining back the weight you've worked so hard to lose. Maybe you just do not have your head in the game. You knew it was going to be hard to quit smoking and try to lose weight at the same time. You were prepared for that. Now...quit making excuses. You can't eat half a pizza for dinner. You can't have Chinese food for lunch twice a week. And even Subway isn't going to get you where you need to be if you always order the footlong - and eat the whole thing!
I'm disappointed in myself. The one thing I swore I would not let myself do, I'm doing. I needed to quit smoking. I WANTED to quit smoking. And now, I remember why I started again the last time. I gained weight and I felt miserable and depressed. So far, I've managed to keep most of the pounds at bay. I only gained 5 or 6. Not the 15-20 like the last couple of times I've tried to quit. But, in the last couple of weeks that scale has been creeping up again. I've replaced cigarettes with food. And sadly, I haven't even really recognized I've done it. Until now. Now I know that's what I've been doing. Now is the time to stop it. I can't let this continue. I CANNOT see 258 pounds again. I just can't. And I won't.
I read a post not too long ago - and I know I've read others in the past - where someone couldn't understand why the weight wasn't coming off. And "I'm just not hungry. I can't get all my calories in in a day." I'm not judging anyone, but maybe, just maybe those people aren't being honest with themselves any more than I have been being honest with ME. We don't get to be fat by not eating. And we don't all of the sudden go from eating whatever we want to having a salad for lunch and being full overnight.
I needed to blog this. I've been feeling it all week. I'm hoping by getting it out, I can move on and be better. And I'm publishing it because, well, maybe someone else out there needs to know he/she isn't the only one in this boat.
Tomorrow is a new day. And it's going to be a better one. But I'm not waiting for it. I'm taking my life back RIGHT NOW!
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