LILMISSRED79   46,519
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Struggling

Saturday, March 15, 2014

I've been really distracted about Sparking and weight loss over the past week, so I've been trying to figure out what's going on. I haven't been exercising nearly as much (so much for my emphasis on ST this month!), and while my eating hasn't been totally out of control, I haven't been planning ahead and paying as much attention to the details. I'm acting the way I do when I'm in numbing out mode, separating myself from the world and getting distracted by TV, Pinterest, and things that don't require me to think or do too much. This really needs to stop!

The problem is that I'm really lonely.

I've been in my new home for several months now, and while I feel settled into my apartment and my job, I still don't have a social life here. It's sort of a Catch-22: I feel awkward doing things alone, but if I never get out and do anything then I won't meet people! I've met some nice people through a book club, my gym, my church and my work, but so far nobody that wants to hang out outside of those activities. It's really hard being single and friendless in your 30's! Most people are married & have kids at this stage in life, so they want to do family-oriented things with couples who have kids, too. I'll keep trying, but it's a little discouraging.

It's like I'm in this awkward in-between phase. I no longer have my old Sacramento life, but I don't fully have a life here in the Bay Area yet either. Also, I lost 20 pounds and so my clothes are fitting differently, which is awesome- but it means that right now my clothes all feel too big. I'm not yet small enough to wear the clothes I had bought when I lost the weight last time around, though, so nothing fits quite right and I catch myself being really critical of how I look. Areas of my body that I noticed progress in are starting to look bad to me again. That is also discouraging, but I'm trying to be mindful of my self-talk.

I've also noticed a lot of daydreaming going on: moving to Paris and having an amazing life there, or staying here but buying an awesome house and decorating it, stuff like that. I'm separating from the life I actually have and trying to live in some alternate universe. The thing is that moving to Paris won't fix anything because if I'm not willing to leave my apartment here, I certainly won't feel comfortable doing it someplace where I barely speak the language. Buying a house isn't really something I want to do right now, but I think what I DO want is a creative outlet. So perhaps I'll pick up some art supplies or something, too. Ooh, or maybe take art classes- it's another way to meet people!

I'm rambling now. So yeah, I've been off track a bit and hiding from the world in a dazed pity-party. I'm not giving up, though. I just need to dust myself off and find a new party to join instead.

Thanks for "listening!"

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TEENY_BIKINI 3/29/2014 9:04PM

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GRACEISENUF 3/23/2014 3:25AM

    I think a creative hobby sounds like a good way to make friends. I have been off SP for awhile and just came back on tonight.

Stop by anytime you want to chat my dear.

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LYNN-LOVESLIFE7 3/23/2014 1:34AM

    Sweet Amy… I think taking a class in photography would do the trick. You’ll meet some nice people that way, or just pick up a camera and start snapping your life, create a BlogSpot outside of sparks called. {A young woman’s journey in the Big BAY AREA} Talk about fashion, talk about healthy meals, talk about your weight loss journey. Just open up and come alive. Also, open a spark group for ladies, who live in your area, you might meet a few sparkers around you. Just a thought, don’t struggle long friend. Everything will be A-okay. emoticon

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TEMPENATIVE 3/18/2014 1:14AM

    Dear Amy, first of all let be apologize for being a crappy friend and not replying sooner. I had some 'stuff' going on, namely with the family. I am sorry you are feeling lonely in your new town. I am no stranger to the checking out that can happen online too. My vice as you know is tumblr. I hope you find some crafting that can keep you occupied or maybe a choir or volunteer thing at the UU fellowship. Maybe you can find yourself a goldfish. ( did you watch sherlock yet? If not that joke will make no sense) I'm sorry hon and I hope you break your funk soon. I will post a blog soon I promise and try to engage more with spark this week. emoticon

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AMY_1217 3/17/2014 9:10PM

    I wish I lived closer! We could totally hang out!
Have you joined local spark group? Maybe then you can solve two problems in one fell swoop. Meet up with fellow members, AND get your fitness minutes up there!
As for feeling bad about your body again, the numbers don't lie! Take your measurements, and this time next month, do it again. If you can't see the progress in the mirror, you WILL see it on the tape measure. :D
I'm sending a goodie with my phone number in it. Text me ANYTIME, day or night, when you're feeling down and lonely. Even if it takes me till the next morning to get back to you, I promise I always will. :D I may not be there physically to support you, but I am emotionally. I know you can do this!

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SCUBADIVA50 3/17/2014 12:50PM

    As you know, divers are the greatest group of people ever! I belong to a dive group through All About Scuba in Fairfield and they always have something cooking up.
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TINASAURUSREX 3/17/2014 11:58AM

    You sound VERY similar to me right now! I just moved to NYC in September and I am facing the same issues. I have 1 friend I moved into the city with, but she had already been here for a year and has a whole group of friends that I am not a part of. I have tried Meetup and doing theatre and same issue, people just aren't particularly interested in hanging out outside of those situations. It's like, by your 30's everyone has their friend group and isn't particularly interested in taking the time to develop a new friendship who isn't already a part of their circle in some way.

I have also had grand dreams about moving to Paris! Then I read about all the paperwork and bureaucracy and lack of jobs and cost of living and I come back to earth emoticon

I suppose we just keep plugging on, finding things that make our hearts sing (art classes, theatre, getting my Ph.D., etc.) and trust that eventually we will connect with the right people and more of a friendship will bloom. It's funny how much we focus on making those kind of connections romantically, but we forget that it's just as tough sometimes to strike up friendships because they are both their own unique sort of relationship!

Keep plugging along, feel free to message if you just want to chat (or bitch), and we will both feel more at home in our new homes before we know it.....right? Yes...right!

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SHEWWIMONSTER 3/16/2014 7:08PM

    I love that you're trying to "decode" your day dreaming and figure out what it really is that you're searching for, like a creative outlet. I spend a lot of time in a fantasy world myself, and I don't think I ever really stop to do that. Though I imagine that right now, most of them would tell me that I, too, am dreadfully lonely.

I'm glad to see an update! I was wondering where you'd gotten to. :) I hope things start looking up soon!

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BREAKINGTHEBAD 3/16/2014 1:48PM

    I have definitely been there before. Does your church have small groups or bible studies during the week for singles, perhaps another church in your area does. It's coincidental but I think my church has an upstart in San Fran. It's difficult to feel disconnected but right now it sounds like the most important thing for you to do is get out of the house. There might plenty of things you can do by yourself that may be just a walk or a drive away. Check the Chamber of Commerce, the county, or your state websites. You can always mention to your acquaintances where you are going and they might want to tag along.
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POSITIVEHOPE 3/16/2014 12:34AM

    Yes, that art class sounds like a great outlet. Maybe you could find somewhere to volunteer? Lots of 30 something's are active in the environment, hiking, and social issues etc. I know you will find a new group of friends but they won't be knocking on your door you have to go to them. Promise yourself you'll do something 2 hours a week until you find what you are looking for.

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UNSWEETMAMA 3/15/2014 10:34PM

    I think an art class sounds like a great idea! Not rambling so much as working through.
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DELIA38961 3/15/2014 10:01PM

    congrats on your weight loss so far emoticon I understand the distancing yourself from the world too sometimes I wish there was a blue tardis to take me to other universes lol

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Thursday Ramblings

Thursday, March 06, 2014

I've felt my attention to health getting pulled away as the "stuff" of life has crowded in. I'm trying to re-engage and refocus as best as possible. Not that I'm letting my habits totally slide, mind you, but the attentiveness and mindfulness hasn't been there as much. My meditation group likens it to training a puppy: you try to get it to sit and stay, but it wants to wander off and play! Just gotta keep at it, and it will happen.

The results from my bloodwork at the doctor have been coming in, and thankfully everything looks good. I like to think that it's evidence that my work is paying off! Now I just have to watch my blood pressure- both parents have had issues with hypertension so I want to make sure I don't go down that path too. Hopefully my Zumba obsession should help with that!

I'm really enjoying my meditation group. We meet every other Tuesday night and I always look forward to it. The participants have all really bonded and it's such a nourishing experience to have that kind of connection and safety with a group of people who are all trying to grow and develop themselves and their awareness. Very rewarding and inspiring stuff.

Lastly, I saw this picture and thought of my girl, Daphne. Enjoy! emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

I_R_WORTH_IT 3/8/2014 3:06PM

    Derned Brits!

Anywhoozal, I agree its easy for stuff to try and sneak back in and take time away from the important stuff! My hubby and his son both have been working at Burger King, and bringing home goodies, and baddies and stuff...

I looked at me food log like, um, I am under calories, but all that processed...fatty...ugh, no wonder I had a tummy attack!!

Keep up the great work Amyfly!

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TEMPENATIVE 3/7/2014 12:22AM

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I am grinning this big right now!
I'm glad to hear your blood work was good. I'm sure your activity is a huge contributing factor. This is worth being proud of, NSV! Also so good to hear that you are getting so much out of your meditation group. I too have been a bit distracted by life lately and have fallen way behind on keeping up with my SP friends blog or writing myself. I'm am thrilled to be mentioned in yours! ;) You are an awesome friend Amy and a wonderful lady. Love you!

Comment edited on: 3/7/2014 12:26:21 AM

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SHEWWIMONSTER 3/6/2014 9:26PM

    I like that meme, HATE that they used Flynn as their example! What a waste of animation. :p

I'm glad your bloodwork is coming back all good! I know I should get some done as well, but I just don't wanna know!!

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MADMANSMAMA87 3/6/2014 7:36PM

    That is awesome about your blood work & your meditation group!
I'm glad that meditation is having such a positive influence on your journey!
It has helped to play a huge role in my journey too!
Keep up the fabulous work! You got this!
Stay Positive,

Jes

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POSITIVEHOPE 3/6/2014 7:09PM

    My journey reminds me of your puppy. I try to get it to sit and stay, but it wants to wander off and play! I've gotta keep remembering that I need to stay with the trainer. Life is so much better when you know and follow the rules. The fun of giving in to puppy play eventually always leads to mischief and danger. Been successful for quite a while now and feel so much better.
Thanks for sharing.

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ERIN1128 3/6/2014 4:10PM

    That is hilarious! Love it. Love the puppy analogy too...so true!

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KTTAYLOR21 3/6/2014 3:32PM

    On Tuesdays I go to a class where we study "A Course In Miracles" and we have that type of bond as well. I love it that we have a constant group of people holding us in the light during challenges. We don't meditate every class but we do meditate together every once in a while. Me, my husband and kids we meditate every morning (weekdays). It's a great way to start our day. It is our way of starting a daily morning ritual along with affirmations.

Glad your blood work is coming back good. Mine is too (Thyroid disease). Thankful my sonogram was normal as well even though they said I have a lot of stuff going on in my throat area which is "normal" for Hashimotos. Still learning about all this stuff, I don't want to read too much about it. As long as it's "normal" that's all I care about. Reading about it might cause me to "create" something more unnecessarily.

Enjoy the rest of the week! Friday is peeking at us emoticon



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HELLOADDISON 3/6/2014 3:01PM

    I am still to new to meditation to comment on your meditation.

I am glad your blood work is showing up good results!

I have herd of Zumba but do not really know that much about it. It sounds like people really enjoy it. I may have to look into it someday myself.

A meditation group, that sounds like fun. I am glad you are enjoying it! I think I may look into seeing if there is a meditation group somewhere near me I can join!

Have a great day! emoticon

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February results/ March planning

Saturday, March 01, 2014

emoticon I'm down a little more than 5 pounds for the month of February!

emoticon I lost an inch around my waist!

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My progress this time around isn't as fast as it was last time, but I'm actually fine with that. These changes I'm making are for a lifetime, so there's no rush. I'm savoring the journey and celebrating every ounce that I lose along the way!

That being said, I've noticed that my strength training efforts have really slipped over the last month. I love me some cardio, but I'm not quite as fond of ST for some reason. I know that ST is really important, though, and I'm not just talking about weight loss. It's important to keep our muscles healthy so that we don't lose muscle mass as we age. It's also beneficial for our bones! Plus it boosts metabolism, and seriously- the list goes on. And I know it. So it's time to give my own booty a lil kick and get back to it!

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In that spirit, my goal for March is to not only make sure I get a minimum of 180 cardio minutes in each week, but also a minimum of 90 minutes of ST.

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Lastly, I just want to thank you, my Spark friends, for all of your encouragement and positive energy. You teach me so much, you make me laugh, and you keep me moving forward. I am so grateful for SP and my wonderful Spark family!

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

I_R_WORTH_IT 3/2/2014 10:33PM

    Great Feb and kick butt in March!

ST is creeping into my work outs too now, funny that they arent as much fun as cardio huh?

Lets get physical...physical!
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TEMPENATIVE 3/2/2014 12:03PM

    You have made significant progress Amy, good for you. I admire your commitment to your goals emoticon it really shows in your results. Go get that ST and have an awesome March!

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ERIN1128 3/1/2014 11:03PM

    AWESOME!

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BREAKINGTHEBAD 3/1/2014 8:59PM

    Great goals fellow Butterfly!
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AMY_1217 3/1/2014 8:41PM

    Awesome job Amy!!!! So proud of you!
Maybe if we combined into one SUPER Amy, we'd be just fine. You can do all the cardio you want and I'll do the ST. lol That's BY FAR my favorite. If it weren't for the fact that I need lung capacity to be able to strength train, cardio would absolutely fall by the wayside. lol

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YOU CAN DO THIS!!!!!

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SHEWWIMONSTER 3/1/2014 5:19PM

    Awesome job! I like your goal of aiming for a minimum amount of strength training this month. I find it really hard to power through strength training as well! Good luck!

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SEVERINA418 3/1/2014 1:39PM

    You are pretty awesome at giving out support and encouragement, too! Hugs to you!

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MADMANSMAMA87 3/1/2014 1:13PM

    Those are wonderful goals for March, Amy!
I know you can do it:)
Stay Positive,

Jes

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UNSWEETMAMA 3/1/2014 12:54PM

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Hump Day!

Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Well, I went to the doctor but there isn't much to report. I'm having blood work done next week so hopefully that will shed some light and either confirm or deny the pressence of a clotting disorder. I was a little frustrated- even given all of the indications that there's a problem, Kaiser won't let my doctor test for it without first testing for like a zillion other things. So I get to be a pin cushion for a while I guess. That's ok, I'm just grateful they're doing something and that I have insurance. Oh- and the scale at the doctor showed a 9-lb loss since my annual checkup last month and she was quite pleased. That felt great!

Hrm, what else? It's finally raining here! We need the rain so badly. They say it will storm all weekend, and I'm hoping that "they" are right. We shall see! Of course, this also means that I'd love to just go home, get my sweats on and read all night. Not gonna happen, though! Gotta get my sweat on first, THEN I can curl up and read.

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

I_R_WORTH_IT 2/28/2014 1:10PM

    Good luck wiff all the blood tests....did you study?
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Gads, its been forEVER since I curled up and read a nice long read...I may have to pick me out a book to start taking to the Y for treadmill time!!!

Keep up the awesome loss job and being the so awesome you I has come to adore!
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KATIBUG49 2/27/2014 6:47PM

    Insurance wins again!
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AMY_1217 2/27/2014 2:02PM

    LOL good plan. Sweat first, then read, otherwise that sweating will never happen. lol

Insurance companies are ridiculous. I've been jumping through the fiery hoops since last November for a rotator cuff impingement...fun fun. lol

Hang in there! And WAY TO ROCK THE WEIGHTLOSS!!!!

Comment edited on: 2/27/2014 2:03:35 PM

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ERIN1128 2/27/2014 12:41PM

    WOW, 9 lbs! That is awesome!

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TEMPENATIVE 2/26/2014 7:29PM

    Hope you get some answers down the road. You are doing the right thing by looking into it. And how awesome about the weight loss! Good for you. I bet that felt good. I so wish it would rain here. It's been a dry winter. Enjoy your sweat session and the book. emoticon

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LINDA! 2/26/2014 7:22PM

    Hoping you have good results!

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SEVERINA418 2/26/2014 7:17PM

    Good job on your weight loss! I hope all of your results come back okay. Hang in there, sweetie!

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RAPUNZEL53 2/26/2014 6:59PM

  Enjoy your book!

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Doctor's Appointment

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Over the weekend I visited my cousin. She's five years older than I am, and she's been having a lot of health issues. She had been feeling especially poorly, so she took herself to urgent care expecting that they'd tell her that she had the flu. Instead she wound up in an ambulance because they were worried that she was having a heart attack. She didn't have a heart attack, thankfully, but they did discover that she had a pulmonary embolism (a blood clot in her lung) and told her she's lucky to be alive. This freaked me out because my dad died from a pulmonary embolism in October.

They put her on medication to dissolve the clot and are running a series of tests to determine which of the clotting disorders she has. She was telling me about the symptoms of clotting disorders:

- Menstrual irregularity (check)
- Miscarriages (I've had two)
- Autoimmune disorders (I have Psoriasis)
- Heart valve issues/arrhythmia (I was told when I was younger that I have a valve abnormality that predisposes me to an arrhythmia)

So umm... yeah. Sunday night when I got home I popped online and scheduled an appointment as early as I could get it, which is this afternoon. I'm a little nervous, but I know that it's important to get a handle on this.

I'm so grateful that my cousin is alright (she's basically my sister since I'm an only child) and that I got this information from her to get checked out.

Wishing you a healthy, happy day!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LYNN-LOVESLIFE7 2/26/2014 12:26AM

    I hope all is well with you. I know all about psoriasis this thing whoops on like an ugly stick has beat me, but I've learned how to keep it under control with holistic care and I have been 100% free from big outbreaks. No more dry scales on my skin, and I'm thankful for that.

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SEVERINA418 2/25/2014 1:44PM

    Oh goodness! You will be in my prayers and I hope you end up being okay!

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TEMPENATIVE 2/25/2014 1:38PM

    Wow Amy that's super scary. I hope you cousin will be alright. That warfarin us no joke tell you what. I'm really glad you are being proactive about your health. Your doc will be too. It is always a good to get an honest assessment of your situation from time to time. (Wow once again, I need to take my own advice!) Best wishe love! Tell us what happens.

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UNSWEETMAMA 2/25/2014 1:20PM

    Well done making the appointment. It is scary, but you are doing the right thing.

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SUZIPAM1 2/25/2014 12:51PM

    wow that is odd - i hope you are better soon

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SHEWWIMONSTER 2/25/2014 12:49PM

    Good luck today!

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ERIN1128 2/25/2014 12:38PM

    That is scary. That happened to a former coworker of mine - she was an avid runner and was having more and more trouble, getting really gassed, and one day she was running with her boyfriend and just collapsed and he had to call 911. She turned out fine, but it was definitely scary. Glad you're getting in to the doc!

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JESUISPRET 2/25/2014 12:34PM

    I am not a doctor, but some of your issues sound familiar. If possible in your search for health you might want to check into the MTHFR genetic mutation. It pre-disposes people to blood clots and miscarriage. I have two copies of the mutation. A lot of mainstream doctors don't know much about it, so be prepared for that if you do persue the issue.

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