Sunday, July 13, 2014
Today will not be a good day.
You know how you wake up some mornings and you just KNOW it will be a bad day?
I didn't lose any weight this week.
I have to spend the day with my mother, for her birthday. If you have read any of my other blogs, you know that spending time with my mother is a bit like spending time in a nest of angry rattlesnakes...but less cuddly. She wants to go out to eat. It's an Italian place she wants to try. There will most likely be nothng there I can eat. She will then make snide comments about me, my life, my weight, my house, my politics, whatever she can until it's time for me to come home.
I shouldn't put up with it, I know. But she's my mother. Both of my parents were terribly dysfunctional. I cut my father out of my life because he was so bad. My mom is bad, but in a different, sneakier way. She wears away at your defenses. She looks for chinks in your armor.
This is is same woman who, when I ended up in the hospital, because my grandparents pressured her to admit me, got mad because she was going to have a hospital bill to pay. (And I think because I was sloppy enough to get caught in my disordered behavior. I wouldn't make that mistake again, for the record.)
And do you see? This all starts with me feeling stupid for not having lost weight this week. Now I have to stand in front of my mother, who always pressured me to be thin. She taught me that thin was never thin enough. This is the same person who, when she went through treatment for breast cancer was happy that she was finally able to get down to her "normal weight."
So, today will be a mine field for me.
I will think of all you shiny little Sparkers while I stare mournfully into my plate of pasta.