Thursday, December 27, 2012
This year marks a huge accomplishment for me.
I made it through Christmas without bingeing
for the first time in more than 10 years?
It's been so long I really can't remember.
It probably has been even longer, but the important part
is this year was different.
Yes, I did overeat. Yes, I did enjoy a large variety
of holiday treats, but No, I didn't binge myself
into the numbness of a food coma.
I have been recovering from bulimia for almost 6 months now.
I had one small relapse on December 1st. I was able to get back
on track quickly and I learned something very important.
1. Stay away from the scales. Weighing myself everyday puts
the focus on weight instead of recovery.
2. I don't have to be "perfect" I just need to do the best I can.
Recovery does not mean perfection, and an occasional relapse
is part of the process.
3. It's ok to enjoy my food, but I also need to enjoy my life.
The holidays weren't perfect, my eating wasn't perfect, even my attitude
wasn't perfect, because perfect isn't realistic. Knowing that was key
to getting through my first Christmas "binge-free."
I have ditched "Perfect" from my vocabulary and replaced it
with "Realistic" and it is making a difference in my recovery.
My SP friends have also made a HUGE difference.
I was ready to leave SP because I was finding some things very triggering,
but the encouragement I have found here outweighs the few snags
Wishing all my SP friends Peace and Love!
You are a blessing to me in my journey!
Saturday, December 22, 2012
Hi to all my Spark Friends,
A lot has happened since the last time I updated my blog.
Something very life changing occurred while I was recovering from my
hernia surgery. I finally was able to come to terms with the fact that
I have bulimia.
When ever I say the word "Bulimia" my knee jerk response is to make
sure that it is known that I don't throw up. Like it makes me better than
someone who does...no not at all. That thinking goes right up there
with "My sin isn't as bad as your sin" And it all stinks just the same.
I finally went to my doctor a week ago and told them about my condition.
It was so hard, but I feel like a great weight was lifted off my shoulders
and much of the shame and secrecy I felt has started to evaporate.
They did some blood work to see if there has been any long term damage
from the ED, but thankfully the few problems they found
can be treated with some prescription vitamins and minerals.
This is my first Christmas abstaining from bingeing and purging.
Food and laxatives have been my way of holiday self medicating and
weight loss for many years now. I'm very thankful that this year is different.
I want to make a strong statement here.
SCIENTIFIC EVIDENCE AFFIRMS THAT PURGING WILL NOT
MAKE YOU LOSE WEIGHT.
If anything it will cause you to gain weight because the human body is smart.
It catches on that the food won't be there long, so it quickly absorbs as
many calories as it can while it has the chance.
So anyone who has purged or has considered it, please don't do that to
your body. It's not physically or mentally healthy.
I haven't been on SP as much as I use to be. Some days I find it to be very
triggering as far as the weight loss aspect. Dieting and eating disorders
are incompatible. Other days when I need support I always get it from my
Peppy Party Team. Even though they may not be walking in my shoes they
have compassion and are always there to help me keep moving forward.
As Christmas approaches my "rules" for staying on track with
my recovery are simple.
1. Don't get overly tired (Think beauty sleep) :)
2. Don't get overly committed. If my gut is "say no" then just say No
(politely of course)
3. Stay on my structured eating plan (every 3-4 hours,) allow myself my
1-2 small treats daily and write down what I'm eating
4. Ask for help when I need it.
5. Make sure I take a little "Me time" everyday. i can spare 15-30 minutes to
take care of myself in "non-food" ways.
I'm wishing all my SP friends a wonderful holiday season, and I hope to be back
more regularly after the first of the New Year.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
It's been over 3 weeks since I've updated my blog.
I am slowly recovering from my surgery, and I am
doing better physically. I can't say the same for my emotional health.
The holidays are the most stressful time of the year for me.
I have been fighting the urge to diet (and even purge at times)
for about 2-3 weeks now. Dieting is incompatible with recovering from an
eating disorder. I know that I can not diet if I want to get better and be free
of all my eating issues.
I'm 5'5 and 138 ponds, and I've finally come to realize that I don't need to
lose any more weight, and I don't have to keep trying to get the perfect body,
because there is no such thing as a perfect body. But when I see a magazine
cover or an article on weight loss it seems to trigger the urge to diet and it is
mentally draining. It's the reason why I haven't spent much time on Sparks
lately. I miss all my SP friends, but sometimes when I'm surfing around the
Sparks site I end up struggling even more. I'm hoping my brain and emotions
will calm down once the holidays are over.
I'm journaling and writing down what I eat, but I quit looking at calories and
nutrition info on the packaged food unless I'm looking at protein or iron content.
I'm still struggling with the scale and weighing everyday.
I really need take a vacation from my scale. I know it is making things worse,
but it is a very bad habit that I can't seem to break.
I guess I just wanted to let my SP friends know that I miss all of you
and I'm just working through some stuff right now.
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