It's been a long difficult two months. Pain that won't end...doctor visits with no solutions....and sometimes LOSS of FAITH that I will EVER be NORMAL again!!!
But...in the midst of all this...I think GOD has blessed me.
I have a little white 8 lb fluff ball. She is a Maltese and next month will be 2 years old. When she was a baby everyone including the VET thought she was Crazy..we called her CRASH...because she loved to RUN around the room and just BAM into things.
Thankfully she no longer CRASHES (well almost never..there are still times)!!!
But...she is a constant joy!! AND TOO CUTE FOR WORDS!!!
Last night - through sobs of stress and pain..and finances..I just didn't know what to do but CRY (which..crying is a GOOD THING....so I let it happen).
HOPE-E was UP ON MY LAP - sooo glad she is only 8lbs - and she was LICKING all those tears off my face. I take it she loved me and wanted to show she cared....My roommate said "NOPE..SHE JUST LIKES THE SALT!! HA HA HA"!!
So...despite the sad tears..there was laughter...."IT's NOT THE SALT...HOPE-E LOVES ME".!!!
"NOpe, it's the salt"!!
And on and on it went!!!
This little dog is a joy. NO matter how my day has gone..when I come through the door she is there..(TOY IN MOUTH)...barking HELLO - PLAY WITH ME....HI..MOM..PLAY..IT"S PLAY TIME!!! MAWWWWMMMM!!!!
I pet her on the head...unload the lunch box...take off my shoes, change into comfortable clothes and then SIT ON THE COUCH!!!
Which to HOPE-E means...."PLAY TIME IS ON"!!!!
Toy in my lap she RUNS away and as I toss it, she tries to CATCH it in her mouth..it's a HARD KEY and I'm sooo afraid it will hurt her, but she still tries..and sometimes succeeds in catching that toy. (I tried to buy her a baby cloth Frisbee thinking....oh she wants to catch toys...try this - SHE HATES IT..REFUSES TO GO NEAR IT)!!! So..I'm stuck throwing this little puppy toy key!!!
Occasionally she will lay down on my lap and watch a show with me..and at bedtime she always follows me into my room. THANKFULLY SHE LETS ME SLEEP!! Bedtime at NIGHT - means TOYS ARE A NO NO (i didn't teach her that..she just knows???).
BUT....at 6:30 in the morning when the alarm goes off....GUESS WHO IS IN MY FACE WITH TOY IN MOUTH!!!!??? Yep....morning means TOY TIME!!!
I set my alarm to go off early..so for the next 20 min I can lay there and throw the toy..she gets it..brings it back..and on it goes!!!
Time to GET UP!! You would think my little TOY MACHINE Is done??? Right??? 20 min and we should be good to go!!! NOPE....She follows me around the house...kitchen, living room, bathroom (OH THE BATHROOM IS HER FAVORITE TOY PLACE...she sneaks in there..and while I'm on the toilet she gives me her toy - THROW IT MOM - THROW IT!!! I guess I'm at her disposal there!! HA HA HA....
So into the bathroom I go to brush my teeth....the toy is left on my foot....I bend down and toss it...she brings it back. OVER AND OVER AGAIN!!!
I step in the shower..and she waits right outside..as soon as I open the shower door when I'm done...she puts her toy inside the shower and backs up..waiting for me to toss it.!!!!
Yes..this continues..until I feed her her breakfast (no toys while she eats)...and then It's time for me to leave for work!!
She climbs up on the couch and looks at me - sometimes with her head cocked to the side....she knows I'll be gone for awhile...but when I come home.....
She and the TOY will be waiting!!!
I love that little girl...she is my joy!! She loves me and plays with me..and cuddles when I need it the most!!!
Praise GOD for my little HOPE-E!!!!
A breathe of fresh air in the midst of a season of maddness!!!
Growing up was hard for me. But I always had GOD. He was near by, He was "safety, He guided me through many many trials".
I had years of therapy and healing....and praise God I have come out on the other side of things a NEW PERSON...one filled with LIFE..and HAPPINESS and just a "NOTHING KNOCKS ME DOWN..I WILL PRESS THROUGH".
At least that is what my friends have always said. I am STUBBORN...(in a good way)...and that no matter what struggles I came across I would always keep pushing forward and I would get through them. I was a DOG oN a BONE....I was willing to TACKLE anything to get to the OTHER SIDE.
I want to know where THAT "ME" WENT?
Last year 2013 I had a flare up of my Gall Bladder. (MAY 2013). It was my first of many surgeries. I haven't found ME since. From one surgery to the next....from one problem to the next. Doctors are still trying to help "SORT ME BACK TOGETHER".
And for some odd reason...I don't have that "FIGHT" in me that I use to have. I don't have that..."BRING IT ON I CAN TACKLE THIS". I don't FEEL like fighting it anymore.
Is it all the pain??? Doesn't make since...I was in PAIN for years when I was younger..but GOD was always CLOSE.....how come HE feels so far away now?
Medications and me...we don't mix.....are they the reason I don't FEEL that fighting? Did they steal my STUBBORNNESS? Did they remove the FAITH that I will press on and get better?
I wonder if I'm too tired?? I was tired before....never slept always had nightmares...but it never stopped me. WHY DOES IT NOW?
What is so different now?
Why is THIS CHALLENGE So much harder for me?
Is it just the drugs that make me feel loopy, and wacky and like I need a padded room? Is it just the drugs that make my body feel like it's being Experimented on by Alien invaders?
Why can't I find PEACE in the midst of THIS STORM?
There were worse storms (at least I felt they were worse)...so why does this one feel like a HURRICANE that has NO END?
Is it the DRUGS that make me feel so all alone in the midst of this TURMOIL? I know that I know that I'm not alone...I have friends and people who care.....so why does the darkness feel so dark?
Why do we let Doctors "PRACTICE" Medicine.....because it might help?? or do you realize it might make us worse.
When I was 19....for 7 months the doctors tried to heal my headaches. I was on numerous drugs ..test after test...and I finally gave up on the docs and walked out. Went through withdraws and took care of my headaches on my own. I pushed through that. I am okay.
There is part of me that wants to say "FORGET YOU DOCTORS...YOU ONLY MAKE ME WORSE"...but what is going on inside my body is not as simple as a headache that I can just learn to live with. This is different, this is more dangerous and something I cannot do on my own.
So I ask....Where is my Faith? Where is my HOPE that there will be an end to this struggle. Where is the LIGHT in the midst of this darkness?
Funny..my lava lamp burned out a few weeks ago...so now I sleep with it off..in the dark. I kinda feel like my light has gone out with it.....
Is this harder because I am NOT IN CONTROL at all? My body is doing things I wish it were not. I cannot control it. I cannot TELL The doctors GOODBYE...I don't have that choice either.
Is it because I feel at the MERCY Of so many others that is causing such a torment of pain inside?
I just wish I could FIND my FAITH...the Believe that SOMEONE cares...Something I could hold onto during these dark days!!
Background: I have what is considered a Duplex. (Two houses that make one building). I have a front yard/patio. Then a fence....then a LONG thin side yard. Another shorter fence....and a small back yard (Big for California). 75% of the back yard is a concrete slab. The back of the yard is walled off and there are like two layers of dirt for plants etc. along that back wall.
The front yard I think I posted pictures of. I removed the grass (mostly weeds). I have a HUGE avocado tree. So I covered the yard in black covering. Dug holes and planted some pretty white flowers in the back area. I made a path of stones around the tree and filled with wood chips...and then there is a place where I filled with white rock!
Okay...my QUESTION: WHAT TO DO WITH THE SIDE YARD and BACK YARD.
The Side yard (which is by the front door and the BBQ -that sits on the sidewalk). And the BACK yard (99% filled with HORRIBLE TERRIBLE MAN EATING WEEDS) - I'm SOOO NOT KIDDING!!!
I have over the last 4 years CUT down the weeds..only to have them grow back and ATTACK ME - BIGGER THAN LAST TIME. GRASS DOES NOT GROW...GRASS HATES ME!!
Short on funds for now...so looking for a way to "dig up the grass/WEEDS and keep the yard "okay" without allowing the weeds to come back. AGAIN!!!
AND...to NOT just be left with DIRT!!! I hate Dirt!!
I have a friend who suggested a few options:
#1. Put gravel down. The dogs can go on it and pee and there would be no problems. (It would be CHEAPER than buying FAKE GRASS.)
#2. Put in Fake Grass...BUT the Really good stuff is a lot of money so I would need to get the "not so good stuff"..and it looks icky!! (NOT THINKING I LIKE THIS IDEA) NOPE!!!
#3. Fill the ground with sand and cover it with INDOOR / OUTDOOR carpet!! Which will look just like grass...the dogs can still pee on it..and it goes right through! (Another Cheap way to handle it).
For those that have amazing yards (and mow forever)...forgive me for thinking of "FAKE GRASS".....But it's CA....and for the next few years...I don't have the funds for a gardener..I don't have TIME to pay more attention to the yard....and well I HATE THOSE WEEDS THAT KEEP SHOWING THEIR UGLY FACE!!!
So do any of you have suggestions?
P.S. I do have RED geraniums in the back along the fence!! They look great and will stay. And I have some Red flower Bush thing (okay see I'm not a gardener)...on the Back wall shelves that look great..so I'm not ANTI plants!!! LOL
2. Staying COMMITTED to working out, and pushing myself that little bit more. (When I think...."OH I"M TIRED"...I will go - just do 10 min...and see if when I'm doing that 10 - it doesn't extend to 20).
3. Staying a STREAKER (baring I stay healthy). I want to make it all 12 weeks...working out at least 20 min a day / 5 days a week. I KNOW I CAN DO THIS!!!
4. Keeping track of what I eat. Knowing that living on CHOCOLATE will make me feel sick!! And learning how to find more veggies that I like. Even if it's just one new veggie a week!! (or Fruit...try a new fruit each week at the store).
5. Not only will I weigh in. BUT...I will measure my waist with the tape measure....am I losing inches - despite what the scale does!!??!!
6. I WILL NOT NOT NOT - Condemn myself if I "fail" to live perfectly!! I will give myself FREEDOM to be ME...and Freedom to slip up and eat too much chocolate..."OOPS".....and Freedom to make CHANGES ONE DAY AT A TIME!!
7. EACH DAY IS A NEW DAY and A NEW CHANCE to MAKE SOME RIGHT DECISIONS!!!!