Wednesday, July 13, 2011
Wednesday is my weigh-in day and the scale showed that I am down 2lbs. I am very happy with that. Efforts are paying off. I am trying to revel in the success and not give in to the fear that next week the scale will show me up 3lbs. I am focusing on the positive, but somewhere deep inside I am scared to the core that I will fail and that I cannot do this. Coming to sparkpeople and seeing all the success and encouragement is really vital to me taking a chance again. I wish I could personally thank everyone here for that.
Yesterday I was overcome with the urge for fattening food. The compulsion was so strong and I gave into it. It was like a pressure valve and if I didn't release it I would explode. I ate fattening food yesterday. It certainly wasn't my biggest binge ever and I was aware of it the whole time instead of going into that numb, mindless state. And it left me wondering why.....which brings me to:
I have to discover why I do this. I have to figure out why I sabotage myself and do things that are clearly not in my best interest. Why does the desire for that food outweigh any logical argument, future goal, nutritional fact, warning, hope, motivation, or promises? What is this? I know that it has to do with feelings of self worth. But how do I fix that? How do you get self worth?
I need to find out.
Friday, July 08, 2011
Motivation - it is a word that we "dieters" hear often. You just need some motivation. Just do it! What are you waiting for?
All those words from others - some well meaning some not - were meant to shake me out of my fog and get me going. If I could just find my motivation then everything would be full steam ahead.
But the problem was that when I looked deep inside myself for that motivation all I found was a big empty hole. I found shame, sadness, loneliness, and defeat. There was no motivation in there, and the fact that it wasn't there was just one more fault to add to the list of my many faults. It was one more failure.
The last few days I have spent a lot of time on sparkpeople looking at people's pages, reading blog entries, looking at pics, reading articles, looking at teams and this morning I realized something. This is where motivation lives.
I am not defective for not having a bottomless resource of motivation in me. The failures I have experienced in the past are too great. As I have my own successes that intrinsic motivation will build and grow. But for right now, for the beginning of my journey when the successes are small and the mountain seems too high I have sparkpeople and the many successes to be found on these pages. I can look at them, read them, and know that it can be done.
And that I can do it too.
In the past I was missing the motivation because I thought that I had to come up with it all by myself. Now I know that it is here - shared freely and for the benefit of everyone who needs it, motivation and hope.
Tuesday, July 05, 2011
I'm sitting at the computer drinking coffee, eating my breakfast and contemplating my day. Anything can happen today and that is an exciting prospect. Today could be like any other day - fast food for lunch, lots of computer and TV time, plans for exercise that never happens, excuses, and going to bed feeling defeated.....or
Today could include a trip to the grocery store for healthy food, lunch that is healthy and delicious, exercise, maybe a walk with the dog, doing some tasks around the house that I have wanted to do.....
Many things could happen today - some are completely out of my control, but some are things that are entirely up to me. If I watch "just one more episode" of my favorite show (which turns into 3) or I get out and walk the dog that is entirely up to me. If I go grocery shopping or sit around and watch daytime TV that is up to me. If I go to the gym instead of watching summer reruns that is up to me.
I go through these phases where I feel so helpless, like the whole world is against me. I'm trying to see in my world around me that there are many things under my control. So many thing in my life I can change if I just do it. I do have power, I am not a victim of circumstance. My life is my own.
Friday, July 01, 2011
I don't know if other people have had this experience, but I have tried to lose weight many times before and I have always used a single approach. One time it was a special diet that was going to be the answer or a new fitness program. This time I am attacking this problem from many fronts. Food: I have done a lot of reading on eating clean and this method of eating really speaks to me. It is drastically different from how I currently eat, so I'm going to introduce the principles of it one at a time and work towards being fully following that program by January 1st. I actually enjoy exercise, but I seem to have trouble staying with a program consistently. Reflecting back on the past six months I am accepting a few things about myself - 1. I can't beat myself up about missing a workout. It is counter-productive and just leads to me skipping more workouts. 2. I need variety - I need to change up my activities frequently to keep me interested. The third and perhaps most important piece of this that I have never included in my efforts before is the emotional piece. I am working through a book called "A Course in Weight Loss" by Marianne Williamson. It walks you through a series of writing exercises that gets to the root of the problem and requires that you reconnect with your spiritual relationship with God. I might not have noticed it before, but my spiritual life has declined as my weight has increased. This time I am going to use an approach that covers all the bases. I will be turning to friends, family and sparkpeople for support. Each day will bring new challenges and I will be prepared to face them.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
I'm doing a running training program with a local running shoe store. It's really great. They designed the program and you do a combination of workouts on your own and group workouts. We are coming to the end of the 12 week program and about three weeks ago I received then next workout schedule in my e-mail. The workout for today, August 28, was to run a continuous 30 minutes. No stopping, no walk breaks.
It may surprise you, but I have been excited for this day. Running 30 minutes has been a goal for me for a long time and today I did it. I ran at a comfortable pace and when it was over I felt great. I didn't feel like I was going to die. At no point did I want to stop running. I wasn't watching the time. It felt good.
I put in the training time and I achieved this goal. That is truth. That will never change. And now I'm left with the question - If this goal is achievable, is there anything that I can not do?
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