Thursday, September 22, 2011
I normally weigh myself once a week, same time, same day, same lack of clothing. My weigh in day is Monday but today for some reason this little voice whispered, "Get on the scale." So I did. To my surprise I lost 3 pounds which means I weigh under 250 pounds. I haven't been under 250 pounds for years.
The last time I was at this weight we had just learned of our father's illness. Once we had a proper diagnosis for Dad I became his primary caregiver. During his illness and the year after his death I gained over 25 pounds.
At first I was really happy to see 248 pounds on the scale. Then I was overwhelmed with anger. I found myself going over the disappointment of finding myself without adequate support during my father's illness (he had ALS). I found myself mentally lashing out at people who didn't come through for us, who just disappeared when we needed them the most. I was stewing in this anger for at least an hour.
Something finally snapped and I said out loud, "Why am I so angry?" Especially since I thought that I had resolved many of the issues surrounding my father's illness and passing. I really thought I was in a good place. What could pull up these feelings for no apparent reason? And then it occurred to me that this is where I was when everything started to go "bad" and fear started to over take me.
I sat down and attempted to write about these complicated feelings. This helped me bring myself out of the fear and anger. I had a good conversation with myself to gauge where I am emotionally and mentally. In the past, this would have started a day of a non-stop binge, all sugar and fat. So I'm really proud that I was able to recognize the start of something that could have been self destructive.
This episode left me wondering, does our excess fat have memories? Logically, I know it doesn't but sometimes I think my body really doesn't want to be at a specific weight because of some trigger memory. I will need to really focus on my emotions while I loose the next 10 pounds due to the memories of this weight. I need to build a positive memory around the 240s because I know that this weight means more to me than just eating too many donuts. So I'm going to go make some new fat memories, some positive one to get me through and keep me going. In the meantime, I think I'll go see if anybody will give me a hug. Boy, do I need one!