Saturday, May 15, 2010
I'm not quite sure how to start this one...not sure what direction I want to go in. I guess that just amplifies my state of mind right now.
I guess in short, I'm questioning. Reality has set in and I have to take a good, long, hard look at it.
I haven't been working out. I haven't been keeping an eye on my food too much, let alone tracking. So obviously, I haven't been losing. Haven't been in a LONG time. If nothing, I pound it out for a day or two and am able to maintain. And then slump back off into fatso land.
283 is what I weighed in at yesterday. Don't know about today because I think I am going to put away my scale for a while. Not sure if that is a good thing or bad thing for me, I tend to keep an eye on myself and keep myself semi-accountable by doing a daily check. But now...I'm so discouraged that it is almost like a daily slap in the face.
But what exactly am I b!tching about? The fact that I am lazy and I am reaping what I sow?
Then, my team....my wonderful team....
I feel like my team is dead. There are a few shining lights still burning, but I feel like we, as leaders, and the team in general, are barely hanging on. IF they are hanging on at all, at this point. After this last mission, my co-leader and I are going to make one last-ditch effort to revitalize our team....and if THAT doesn't work. We are going to shut it down.
It's the last thing I want to do.
I feel like I failed....I'm not done yet....but pretty damn close.
I've gotten to the point where I have pondered shutting down my Spark account. I feel like I am a poser every time I get an "award" from Spark for "Consistency."
Yeah, consistently being a procrastinator. Consistently being a person who logs in and shouts from the side-lines, "GO TEAM" and then stuffs my face at Dairy Queen.
I'm a fake. Period.
And then... my dream.
My GLORIOUS dream!
I want to go to New York for New Year's Eve this year, but reality is trying to kill that dream. Money. Time. Logistics. Friends actually going or not. MONEY.
Will it happen? Will I be forced to bow out? Will I spend another New Year's plowed in some bar, smiling blearily up at the flashing lights, wishing I was thinner, healthier, prettier, happier?
And it's not like I can complain.
I love my job. I am blessed with money in the bank and a place to rest my head. I OBVIOUSLY have enough money for food....life is pretty damn good.
Until I look in the mirror.
And all I have to do to change ALL of this...or at least MOST of this, is to get up and start doing something. And I will. Eventually. Maybe.
But will I be REALLY consistent?
Will I EVER be healthy? I never have been, so why the hell do I think I can be now? What makes me think I can change 26 years of habit?
I want this. I do. I really, really, really do.
But can I defeat the greatest enemy I have ever faced in my life? Can I overcome the greatest setback that has ever been placed in front of me?
Can I overcome?
I'm not sure. Didn't realize how formidable an adversary I really was.
And I'm getting OWNED.