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The Bitch is back....

Tuesday, July 15, 2014


You have to love Elton John...

Just like last July when I joined SparkPeople, I've found myself locked in my own thoughts and being pretty harsh with myself. Thankfully though, I'm not nearly as bad as I was last year. (Yippee!!!)

Seems like I've got to accept that July may just be a bad time for me. Like so many people have a hard time during the holidays, July seems to be my down in the dumps time. This year, thanks to changes in management companies, I lost a full time summer gig to someone with a whopping 1 year of experience, which he gained from me training him over the last year. But, my regular gig, though part time, has given me more hours this summer than ever before allowing me to support myself and take care of me and my girls.

Speaking of my girls... back in April my little one, Star, was diagnosed with a Mast Cell Tumor. She's had surgery since but vets and specialists are pushing for things like radiation and chemo. Plus they've tested her mammary tumors and decided they have "characteristics" of cancer. Now they want to do a complete puppy mastectomy on her; another surgery I don't have money for. Though I LOVE her, I can't sacrifice money I desperately need for little things like rent and my tuition. She's still a bundle of energy so it doesn't look like the cancer is progressing at a threatening rate.

Because of work, the summer and the distance/direction of my therapist's office, I haven't had an appointment in nearly a month. I thought I could deal, thought I was rocking against my depression, but it looks like I forgot the golden rule of my depression - that it may be with me, to one degree or another, for the rest of my life. Maybe I scored myself a new level of denial that I never anticipated. I've also been off my meds for about a month to six weeks. I know!... that was stupid, especially since the interim RX my doctor called in is sitting only feet away from me. Tomorrow though I have my first Dr.'s appointment in 2 years. I want to address switching my meds and I fear she'll want to address my potential high blood pressure. Just maybe, after tomorrow, things will start being a little better, once I'm back on my way to being fully medicated. Looks like I'm at the stage were I'll be medicated for the rest of my life too. I guess that's not so bad since I've already endured the loss of my life long dream of going to my grave with my eyesight and all my internal organs intact. (yes, I dare to dream.)

Thanks for listening... Hope you're looking forward to tomorrow like I am.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LETTING_IT-GO 7/16/2014 12:12AM

    Thanks Catperson57. (PS your cat is adorable!) Believing in myself is possibly the lesson I'm struggling with most in life. Hopefully tomorrow I'll be back to managing my depression too. I'm sure my Dr will help me greatly with that.

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CATPERSON57 7/16/2014 12:07AM

    Keeping a good thought for you and hope things work out. I can relate to you concerning the depression since I have suffered from low grade depression for years. But I manage it for the most part and just keep moving. Having supportive friends helps a lot. And lessons learned from therapy. No matter what believe in yourself. emoticon

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Changed life...

Saturday, December 14, 2013

After two months I'm still cleaning up after the passing of my father. Even more so than I'd thought, he was a sad soul. Drawers, closets, boxes are all over their apartment, filled with tons of crap and a shocking amount of unopened mail from as far back as the early 2000s. He really made a shambles of their lives, financially and otherwise.

Though I was estranged from them for 8 years, I've taken it upon myself to put things right for my mother. It's all part of our dysfunction. I'm spending days at a time sorting though and trying to organize a life of crap and returning his dumpster "finds" to where they belong. I feel stronger as I'm doing all this but still the scale isn't moving. That's my fault. There was a whole cabinet full of tastycakes, thanks to dad's sweet tooth. Now they're mostly gone, thanks to my own.

I'm happy to have a relationship with my mom again but I've put most of my life on hold to help her. All the additional funds I was hoping for after paying off my car are now going to help my mom. Plus, I need to do 10 years of tax returns for them to help get money back in my mom's hands.

In the mean time, I still can't find full time work, know my unemployment will run out soon, and have once again abandoned my thesis. My life is on hold to repair hers and the stress of it all is making me quite sad. If I'm lucky this is a temporary state, aided by the crappy winter weather. If I'm not lucky, I don't even want to think about it.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LETTING_IT-GO 12/20/2013 8:31PM

    Thank you all for your support, especially you, DruidPrincess.

Nothing has changed in the last week, except that my unemployment has run out. Sadly, I'm not as worried about that as I should be. But, I did purchase my mom's xmas gifts and I'm hoping she'll appreciate them.

Hope you all enjoy the holidays!

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COCK-ROBIN 12/14/2013 10:43PM

    I hope it gets better for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

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GRAPHICS2 12/14/2013 10:11PM

    You will come through this, " one day at a time". Take care of your Mom. she really needs you now.
Take care of yourself too.

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PJ2222 12/14/2013 10:03PM

    emoticon emoticon

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DRUIDPRINCESS 12/14/2013 9:48PM

    I don't have any words of advice or wisdom for you, only sincere love and positive energy to help you through this very challenging time. I am hoping that, when you look back on these events, you realise that they gave you some special, invaluable gems of love, friendship and insight that make you an even more awesome and wonderful person than you obviously are.

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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Tomorrow will be another pain in my a$$$

Sunday, September 22, 2013

The last couple of days have been a realization. Though my ass has been sore since I started walking my girls, and that eased up a bit the last week or so, I've had a severe pain in my ass for about four days. Seems I have a case of sciatica, which WebMD says is a symptom of a disk issue in my back. (Yeah!) 20 odd years of morbid obesity shouldn't make a disk issue a surprise, but it worries me more than other health issues I face. It worries me more than the possibility of diabetes or high blood pressure. A little advil today and the pain is better. (why I waited three days to take simple advil is a mystery to me but...) It's only my third occurrence of this condition in a decade but still it's disconcerting. (please don't urge me to go to a doctor. until obamacare kicks off I'm on my own.)

My second pain in the ass will hopefully be resolved tomorrow.

I've been a friend's bookkeeper for about 15 years and tomorrow is our second IRS audit. I've gone through plenty of them in the past but last time cost my friend to pay tax on $20,000 of additional income. His only reaction was "we're all human" and he's never mentioned it since. (He's a saint.) The year being audited tomorrow was a big year for us and so our books were casually audited by a CPA friend of mine prior to filing our return. This obviously provides a lot of confidence but IRS audits still suck. The irony of an audit coinciding with a case of sciatica though is simply too funny.

Otherwise, life is moving forward and my adapting mind is coming along nicely. I have been rather naughty with taking my meds lately. Somehow it's easier to keep on track with them the busier I am. My only measure for missing my meds is my level of road rage, and today it was up there. What could cause a three lane highway to be bumper to bumper midday on a sunday? well, I can only hope anyone in an accident further up the road, causing the traffic jam, was ok.

Time for more advil...

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COCK-ROBIN 9/22/2013 11:09PM

    I hope it gets better for you.

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Walk, walk, walk, walk....

Tuesday, September 03, 2013

My seasonal job is over. The summer holiday is past. I'm sitting in my "office" at home getting ready to do some bookkeeping for a friend and little Star has made herself comfy in the corner beside me. I feel so selfish loving the feeling that she's happy just sitting behind me as I work. Selfishly loving the fact that she just wants to be near me. Cookie's on the sofa enjoying time not having her daughter rough housing with her.

We just came back from our second walk of the day. I used the exercise tracker to see the calories I may have burned. Using the slowest walking speed we're burning 430 calories a day; not much but I'll take it. Over a week though, we burn 3,000 calories. That makes me very happy. Star, Cookie and I are two weeks into our lives together and about 5,500 calories burned (accounting for a few work days were we didn't do our 4 walks a day). Unfortunately, my ass is still burning after every walk and I'm anxious for that to stop. Funny the things we pick for goal markers in our lives. I'll feel more fit if my ass stops hurting during and after exercising. How silly am I?

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

COCK-ROBIN 9/3/2013 8:51PM

    Keep it up, and never give up!

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SCENTSYGURL 9/3/2013 1:12PM

    Your ass??? It's always my calves. I have NO clue why!! :/

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TINY67 9/3/2013 12:47PM


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I really can't cook...

Monday, September 02, 2013

But, for some reason, sometimes things work out well when I throw things together.

It's the beginning of the month and my next day of work isn't for another week. My kitchen in near empty, which should be good for my diet, so I need to be creative with my meals. That's not easy as my title says...

But, I have some leftover chicken tenders that had to be used. I fear throwing out food and seeing dollar signs fill up my trash can. I wanted to recreate the chicken wrap from my favorite Alumni Grill but I have no mushrooms, spinach, pepper, or wraps. Instead I decided to make a simple chicken salad.

with a couple chicken tenders, some crumbled goat cheese, a teaspoon of mustard and a pinch of celery seed, a tasty chicken salad came together pretty quickly. I put it on some whole wheat toast, smeared with mustard, and finished it off with some basil leaves, instead of lettuce.

Obviously, I was surprised by how much I liked it. Just goes to prove, you never know until you try.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STEVEN2GO2 9/3/2013 1:42AM

    emoticon emoticon

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COCK-ROBIN 9/2/2013 9:28PM

    Wonderful! Sounds yummy!

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