Wednesday, August 04, 2010
Well I've had a lot of things on my mind and so I'm going to try to get them out and into writing. I apologize in advance for any rambling or for jumping from topic to topic. Just consider this as a sort of brain storm on ideas that I'm working on and wheels that I'm setting into motion.
First of all I've been considering seeing a therapist again. There has been some concern expressed that I'm not handling things as I should. I've been told I need to go to rehab or even anger management classes. I will tell you that I don't completely disagree, but I don't think I have an anger problem or a substance abuse problem. I think there are underlying reasons to my issues and addressing those will be the first step.
I've always had a temper, that's just the red head in me! These concerns came about after a night of drinking and a loss of temper. This is not me! This is not the person I am nor the person I want to be. I think this one isolated occasion does not call for a trip to rehab or to an anger management facility. I don't depend on alcohol and can go weeks or even months without it. I don't have a criminal history nor have any of my friends ever seen me get angry. I just truly don't believe I have a problem and don't feel the need to rehabilitate. This is where my sister and I disagree. She has said that she will not mend any fences or even see or talk to me until I "get help" and go to rehab. Wth?!!
I want so much to find family peace but don't think I need to spend all this money or time investing in help I don't really need. But I need to do something, right?? Well this is why I think I'll go find a therapist first. I'll tell him that there has been some concern expressed and that I want a professional opinion on it. I think he'll agree with me but may dig deeper. Yes I drink on occasion which is fine but when I do drink I go overboard and boy do I really put them back. Is it that I'm burying my emotions? Am I drinking so heavily to hide the depressed and introverted Leslie? To act like nothing is wrong and that I enjoy socializing and flirting? Yes. This is where the problem lies....
I've been to counselors before and they told me I was doing all of the right things and was handling everything in a healthy and "normal" manner. I've been to an 8 week grief support group and walked away with tools and techniques on becoming a happy and functional griever. This class also recommended that if need be, go through the exercises again and start anew. Maybe this is what I'll do. It's just so completely hard to go to a therapist, pour out my emotions for an hour and at the end, at that very minute when the hour is up, I'm expected to carry on and go back to my day, which is really hard when you've just conjured up some serious emotions. A friend used the term "mind-rape" one time when she went to a counselor, lol...and it totally fits the bill! You share your pain and memories you wish you could erase to a complete stranger, only to get shooed out the door the second the timer rings. To bring myself to that level of emotion, that low...and then go back and function in society like nothings wrong, well that's a roller coaster that I don't want to ride!
So much on my mind, just have to figure out what I'm going to do. I think I do need to go to a therapist and get their opinion, it's just the mind-raping that I'm not looking forward to! Any suggestions or concerns please feel free to comment!
Friday, July 30, 2010
Well June is about over and I've got my month end results!!
Goal: Lose 5 lbs and be in the comfortable 150's by weighing 157
Goal: Become active in Spark Teams
Goal: Drink 9 glasses of water a day and stay in my calorie range
Another great accomplishment? I've now worked out 4 days in a row!! Today will make 5! My work out buddy and I are kicking 'The Shred's butt! I feel more energized and have lost 2 pounds this week. The scale hardly moved all month and finally in the the last 2 weeks I've been able to reach my goal of the 150's! YAY! Also...I fit into a size 10!! It has literally been over a decade since I've worn one and I still can't believe it. I only bought a couple pair of capris and am still wearing my size 12's and rockin em. Just cuz the size 10's fit doesn't mean I should be wearing them yet! lol Just a little muffin top but by the end of August those baby's will be fitting just fine!
August is going to hold huge changes for me and I'm ready. These are changes I have to do in order to accomplish family peace. I may not agree with them but my family is important to me and even if though they are wrong, it's not worth it to be "right". (A very smart little birdie told me this once)
These lyrics are from Eminem's album, "Recovery." The song is titled "Not Afraid." I'd just like to share a few of the lyrics, don't worry it's not explicit! We could call this my theme song for now...
Yeah, It's been a ride...
I guess I had to go to that place to get to this one
Now some of you might still be in that place
If you're trying to get out, just follow me
I'll get you there
I'm not afraid to take a stand
Everybody come take my hand
We'll walk this road together, through the storm
Whatever weather, cold or warm
Just let you know that, you're not alone
Holla if you feel that you've been down the same road
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
First of all, I want to start off by thanking all of my SP friends for their support, advice, and encouragement on my blog yesterday. I try to stay as positive as I can but was just not feelin' it yesterday. I knew I could come here for advice and a virtual shoulder to cry on. My SP friends are my biggest support system and I love each and every one of you!
I'm feeling better today, mostly just sore! Yesterday my 'Shred Buddy' and I completed Day 2 of The Shred! After hearing other Sparkies talk about how much The Shred had kicked their butts I thought for sure that I couldn't do it. Nothing like the feeling of accomplishing something you never thought you could!
I'm also very excited about the results that I'm already seeing on the scale. I weighed myself yesterday so that I could try to get an accurate start weight 'before' The Shred. I know, I should've done it the day before I started but I didn't. My eyes about popped out of my head when I saw what the scale was telling me. I got back off and tried again, thinking for sure that this was a phantom reading and not accurate. Again, the same number. I was still convinced that the scale was wrong and decided to give it another day and see what it said today. Well...today it was even LOWER!! Friday I weighed in at 159 even. Today...155.6!! After just two days of the Shred, is this possible?!! I'm don't know, but hey, I'll take it!
I feel so much better than yesterday. Your advice meant more to me than words could describe!
For once, I want to give the ! hahaha
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