Thursday, April 22, 2010
I feel like a big weight has been lifted since I blogged yesterday. I can't thank you guys enough for the overwhelming support you've given to me. I don't feel so alone. Finally, I have a place to let out my emotions and not feel like I'm being judged or taken pity upon. A place where I can vent my feelings, a place to ask for prayer. I believe in the power of prayer, and to know that my friends are lifting me up...well it's simply amazing!
So I feel like I'm back on track eating wise. I've had a few emotional binges and snuck into the Easter candy again, , but I'm not worried about it. I stepped on the scale today and was down a pound! Woot! The scales moving again and still in the right direction too! The compliments are still flooding in and it feels great to have some confidence back.
In the past I've lost weight and have gotten down to this size 12 before. I've been able to pull out many things in my closet that I haven't worn in years. But one thing I've been thinking about is how I've never been smaller than this. I get satisfied at this weight b/c to me...it's skinny--compared to how I've looked most my life. I'm happy with the way I look so I start slacking on the diet, eventually gaining every pound back. Well not this time! I've evaluated what makes me plateau at this weight and I'm not letting it happen again! One of my big goals is to look good naked...and honey, no one would think these thighs and gut would look sexy! lol
I also got a small reality check from my daughter the other day. She was complimenting me on my outfit, (so cute btw), and saying how she could really tell mommy had lost weight. (she knows I'm trying cuz she sees me suck in my belly and check myself out in the mirror all the time, lol) So I say to her, "You think mommy looks skinny?" To which she replies, "Yea, if you suck in!" The honesty of children cracks me up, lol!
I read a sparkers comment where they were talking about how they weighed 160 and were wearing a size 8. I thought to myself, a SIZE 8?!! (considering my body build it'll probably be more around size 10, but still...I'd be thrilled!) I don't think I've ever worn that...could it be, only 7 more pounds and I'm down to that size?! WOO HOO! New mini-goal set. Lose 7 pounds. That is so doable!
I hope you all have a wonderful night and a fabulous Friday! God Bless you all!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
So much to blog about...where should I begin?!
First off, I haven't been blogging as much lately and I know one reason is because of my more somber mood. But I was thinking on my lunch break about it and also concluded that I'm also intimidated! You guys have such moving, motivational blogs. Who wants to hear about me and my pity party or my small successes. Then I read a blog and it was like that aha moment...someone might just relate to what I'm going through and it could help them just to know that there's someone else out there like them, with the same struggles, aspirations, victories and losses. New goal--blog more! I definitely thrive on the support I get from my dear spark friends. You guys have been here for me when it seems like no one else really is. One thing I've learned from grieving is that there is a TON of support and help at your fingertips immediately after your loss. Then as the months pass, people slowly stop calling and the cards get fewer and more far between. Now that it's been over a year since my husband passed, I feel people have, in a sense, forgotten about me. Maybe they think I'm "all better" or "over it", or think I should be. Or maybe they've run out of things to say. I do understand that it's hard to talk about death. That's what we have been socialized to "not know" about. No one talks about it. Just ask your yourself, how many classes have you ever taken on grieving or the mourning process? We as a society are ill prepared to deal with death and the situations they bring about. So I understand, I really do. I know there are people who still think of me and pray for me, atleast I hope. But here, at Spark People, I KNOW there are people here that will understand and support me...no matter how long it's been since my husband's death or what minor set-back or obstacle I face. You understand that I'm very much still in my healing process, this is what brings me here in the first place, right? I feel comfortable talking about it here, besides...where else do I have to do that?
So it's days until my DH's birthday. He would've been the big 4 0. What fun we woulda had! He'd have hated it I'm sure, and I'd have loved every minute of rubbing it in his face, lol! What good times to be had. I feel so cheated, for his sake. He deserves to celebrate this birthday. The good really do die young. It's a damn shame too.
Okay, enough pity party. I'm going to make this birthday a great one, FOR ME! I've worked so very hard on getting to where I am now. I'm stronger than I've ever been before. I feel it in my soul that I am blossoming into the person I've always wanted to be, the person God intended on me to be. I'm gonna make this bday not only about him and keeping his memory alive, but also about me and the blessings I have and the bright future I hold.
Please pray for my continued strength and for comfort and happiness for my family. It breaks my heart every time I hear the quiet, almost silent cry coming from my daughter's room at night. I know she's thinking of daddy as I go in there and console her. I'm done with trying to think of the perfect thing to say or do. I just sit there and hold her, hug her and tell her it's ok. I rub her back until she's back to sleep and sometimes even sing. Moments after I leave the room my tears flow. It still breaks my heart that there's nothing I can do as a mother to take the pain away. Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to mourn the most wonderful man we've ever met. I'm blessed to have him as my Guardian Angel and strive to make him smile from heaven.
Monday, April 05, 2010
I hope everyone had a great Easter! I sure did! I even did pretty well at dinner, eating smaller portions yet still eating my favorites. I felt pretty confident until last night when I snuck into the kids candy...oops I've felt pretty sluggish today and definitely regretting my indulgence. Oh and I almost forgot, (but I'm sure the darn will remember), I took the kids to a buffet. This is what has sort of become a tradition when my step-kids visit. I'm not the best cook and when I've got a house full I usually resort to the easy way out and order pizza. The kids also love the arcade there and it was a place where their father and I would take them nearly every time they visited. It's almost a tradition...a very high calorie tradition! Oh well, just means I'm gonna have to work extra hard this week to burn off those couple of pounds again. I'm ready to get back on track though with my eating and maybe even throw in some exercise. That is where my motivation really lacks but gosh darnit, the weather is so gorgeous I need to take advantage of it and take some walks or something. I need to be creative since I'll have my two young kiddos with me. Any ideas on how to incorporate them into my exercise routine? Maybe I should join a gym where they have child care...hmmmmm
Anyways, Easter was great! I went to the most beautiful Easter Sunday church service I've ever been to. It was amazing. Then I took the kids to Kaufman Stadium for a special Easter event with an egg hunt and free attractions, plus an open practice to where we could watch the Royals warm up for their season opener today. It was great fun, here's some pics. My kids are the blondies and the older ones are my step-kiddos. I just love spending time with them, as do my kids.
I got the big kids back to their moms' house around 4:00, (cuz they had another dinner to attend), and was able to get back home and enjoy the beautiful weather outside. The kids rode their bikes and little motorized cars up and down the road and we were also very creative with the sidewalk chalk!
As with any other holiday, I like to honor my husband's memory in some sort of way. I thought about going by the cemetery and even started to go there and then I remembered something. This "Flying Wish Paper" that I had found at Hallmark. You can write a note, a dream, a prayer, or anything on it and then you light it with a match and POOF! It's up to Heaven! The kids really had fun and I felt my hubby would be proud
My son wrote on his, "I love you Daddy." And she wrote, "I hope your having fun in Heven."
I feel so blessed for my family. They give me inspiration, courage and a huge reason to keep on pursuing my journey to happiness. They are SOOO worth it! And so am I!
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