Saturday, April 23, 2011
Well, the cold turkey thing was not the best of ideas! I was such an emotional mess! I just couldn't control my crying! I started looking on the internet about the cold turkey method and other strategies for quitting and found that there was a much higher success rate if I used some sort of nicotine replacement therapy, i.e. the patch, gum, etc. Only 5% of people who go cold turkey have success! I was like wow, okay maybe I need to rethink my strategy here. Maybe I used it as an excuse to go have a few drags, but I was a complete mess and I needed to be helping customers, not a blubbering mess!
So, it's on to plan B. I am not a quitter! Errr...I mean I will be! But I'm not going to give up that easily!!! NO WAY!!! This is my biggest demon and I will NOT let him defeat me! I'm joining an online support group b/c there is a much higher success rate when you have support from other quitters. I completely believe that one! Never before have I been able to lose this much weight and I know the number one reason has been b/c of the support here on SP. This is going to be a key part of the plan...SUPPORT!!
It generally takes smokers several attempts in quitting and this was just my first attempt. No, I'm not using this as an excuse! But I'm NOT going to beat myself up over it either! Just b/c I wasn't successful the first time does NOT mean I will be the next! I learned some things this go around which is going to just make this next attempt that much easier. I CAN and I WILL do this! In the last 48 hours I've had 1/5 of the amount of cigs I usually smoke in one day. That IS major progress!! I'm taking this seriously and I'm going to do absolutely everything I can to make sure I'm successful! I will NOT give up on this!! The only thing I'm giving up is this nasty habit!!!
p.s. If any of you reading this are ex-smokers, I'd love to hear how you kicked the habit. What were your keys to success?
Monday, April 18, 2011
So I told you guys about the nature walk I was planning with the kids and let me tell ya, it was great!! I really enjoyed getting out in the sunshine and soaking up that fresh air. I was feeling a little lazy and didn't really feel like going but I couldn't break my promise to the kids. They really had a good time and I felt a lot better after being out in the sun. I guess that one therapist was right when she said I'm the type of person who needs the sunshine to brighten my mood.
It was a beautiful day and we found a path that led us down by a lake. I let my kids use disposable cameras and they were clicking pics left and right! It was soo cute! My favorite quotes I heard were, "This is just incredible." and "Wow, amazing!" lol It made my heart smile!
I tried to provoke their little imaginations a couple of times. Like when we came across this beautiful, odd shaped tree. I asked them to use their imagination and tell me what they saw when they looked up at it. They both agreed that they saw daddy sitting up there, looking down on us and enjoying nature as much as we were. I know, sweet, huh?! I totally agreed with them. :)
We ended up walking down by the lake and the kids even dipped their feet in. It was a perfect way to get some extra steps in and spend some precious time with the kids! I'm definitely going to be planning more nature walks in the future!!
That night though, my daughter got teary about daddy again. I think he's being brought up more lately because of my relationship to my new boyfriend. He's not really "new" but we have gotten more serious lately and the kids are realizing that he is going to stick around. I could tell my daughter was being torn because she was developing feelings for this new father figure in her life, and maybe felt somewhat guilty about it? It signifies moving on and letting herself love someone and allowing them play that role in her life. I think maybe she thought she was replacing him. I'm not sure, but all I know is I had to deal with a lot of issues about letting myself love again and it only makes sense that she would too.
Anyways, I talked to her in a way that I hadn't ever before. Instead of just cuddling her and saying, "I know, it's ok, there there..." I asked her what it is that is making her so upset. She said, "This stuff just isn't supposed to happen to kids my age." I know, it just breaks your heart. (but I have heard her say this before and who knows, she probably got that from me at some point.) But instead of just cuddling her I decided it was time for a pep talk. I said, "It's you that makes the decision to be happy. We can let the bad stuff that happens to us get us down and make us sad, or we can rise above and still be happy and use it as an experience to learn from, and be stronger from. I don't know about you, but I'm choosing to be happy. I'm moving on because daddy would want us to. Daddy wants me to be happy and find love again. Daddy would be happy that I've met Ray (bf) and that I'm happy. You should be happy to." I hugged her and said I loved her, and that moving on didn't mean that we loved daddy any less. It just means we love him enough to move on and be happy.
I got upset a little while later. It's hard to have to say that to your child and it sucks that I have to! I hope I did the right thing! Ever since though, I haven't seen any tears from her. I've been hearing questions like, "If you and Ray get married, can I be the flower girl?" And she asked what my new last name would be. These are GREAT signs to me that she is moving through this little hurdle she came across and is really thinking about things in a positive light. It makes me SO proud of her.
Oops, sorry, got a little off subject there. lol So here's the pics you've all been waiting on from our nature walk...I know you've been on the edge of your seats there...haha!
They thought this tree was pretty cool...
Here's a cute one I took of of my son taking a picture, lol. It was awesome how they were getting so into it!
My daughter and I... :)
And my son...(I know his haircut is awful and he kinda looks like a girl! He only let's my mom cut it and she's far from a hair stylist! She'll be the first to admit it, too! lol He actually hasn't let us take him to a hair dresser since daddy died. Coincidence or correlation? I still haven't figured that one out! I've tried everything from treats to new toys but no luck.)
Here's the tree we were visualizing Chris in...
And here's my fav...we met up with a friend too! He's our neighbor :)
He said, "I'm the kind of the world!!" I just love him!
Ok...computer is running slow and that's all the pictures I have time for!! I hope you enjoyed them and hey, THANKS for listening!! MUAH!
Thursday, April 14, 2011
As my dear friend Kamma describes it, I'VE GOT MY MOJO BACK!! What a great feeling!
I knew I had fallen off the wagon and I just couldn't get back up for awhile. I couldn't even bring myself to step on the scale or even blog about it. I was embarrassed and I didn't want to see the damage I had actually done.
Finally, enough was enough. Instead of talking about going back to the basics, I actually DID it. Funny how saying and doing are two different things, huh?
Soo...after a week of staying within range I got the balls to weigh myself. Not good. I was NOT a happy camper. I took down my ticker because I just couldn't bear to look at it! I felt angry and fat and BLAH! What the HECK have I done! Was I destined to gain the weight back, just like all the other times??
Then...it happened. I confessed. I threw up a status about being overweight again and feeling fat and by God did all the sparkers come out of the wood work! I was even brought to tears by all of the awesome support I was shown! It really helped to know that others had been here, done that...and were STILL going and pushing through! I wasn't alone and this IS a journey! I'm learning (by doing) why I always gained the weight back before. And let me tell you...IT STOPS HERE!
I'm NOT going to gain all the weight back, no flippin way! But I AM going to gain a few pounds here and there and that's OKAY! I just can't beat myself up about it so much! It doesn't mean I'm going to gain it all back, it just means I'm still learning.
I'm turning things back around and am saying NO MORE!
Drinking more water!
Eating more fruits and veggies!
Be more active
Stay within calorie range
Simple, yes. But that's all I can handle right now. I CAN do this! Thank you ALL so much for your support!
Thursday, April 07, 2011
The other day I posted a status on facebook and was so surprised at the number of likes on it. It even beat out the one I posted when I met my goal weight. I figured I'd get a few likes but good grief! I didn't realize how inspiring it was to other people, I guess. So, I figured if it's that inspiring to my facebook friends, I should share it with the Spark world too.
I haven't talked about the father of my children much before, mostly out of embarrassment. He was probably the biggest mistake of my life! BUT, he blessed me with two wonderful children. I know God crossed our paths for this reason and for that I'm very grateful.
Long story short, he was very emotionally controlling and I stayed with him as long as I did because he took advantage of my good heart. I wanted to try and "fix him" and I stayed with him for all the wrong reasons. He would tell me how much he loved his daughter and if I ever took her away from him he would just die. I tried leaving him several times, each time he would act like he was going to kill himself and eventually I'd stay with him out of fear. Fear that he would take his own life if I didn't. Finally, when I was 9 months pregnant with his second child, I knew I had to get away. I didn't want him to pull the same mental games with me once he was born. I saw the opportunity and I left. Cops were called when he tried to hang himself by a tree on a public road. While he was in jail I had time to pack my stuff and get the heck out of dodge. Since then, I've never looked back. I've made my contact information public so that he could get a hold of me if he tried. He has not. He hasn't ever seen his own son! How he can live with himself is beyond me. But as a mother, I'm doing what is in the best interest of my children. Until he can prove to me that he is mentally stable, he has no business in their life.
Soooo, back to the facebook status. This is what I posted...
"Never received a dime in child support and probably never will, but it's a great feeling knowing I've supported these children on my own for so long without needing anyone else but me, myself and I. Take that life!"
4 out of 5 women who are in abusive relationships will never get out. I am 1 out of 5! I AM a survivor!!
p.s. Just to clear up any confusion if there is any...Chris, the fiancÚ that passed, is who my children and I refer to as their daddy. He was not of blood relation, though. I met him when I was a single mom and they were very young. He was the only man that they've known as daddy. Anyone can be a father, it takes a special someone to be a daddy!!!
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