Wednesday, March 02, 2011
I just think it's so awesome that I can jot down my deepest thoughts and get such heartfelt responses. I know it's very healing for me and is helping me to sort through the things that are going on in my head. I love my Sparkfriends and I wonder sometimes how I can adequately thank each person for the most amazing support I've ever received. I just love all of you guys and am very thankful that I have your virtual shoulders to lean on!
One thing that a dear friend picked up on in my last blog was that it was the first time I had ever said anything "bad" about Chris...and she was exactly right. I even have a slight sense of guilt since doing it, but I think that's normal. A part of me hopes I'm not disrespecting his memory, but inside I know this is something I need to do. There's something they call enshrinement after someone dies...where you put them up on this very high pedestal and only remember the positive aspects of them. You may even make them out to be more than they were. You build multiple shrines around in numerous places for them. The dictionary defines enshrinement as: to hold as sacred; cherish; treasure. To a certain extent, this is healthy. But too much of it is not.
I know this is something that I've done and by admitting that Chris wasn't perfect is the first step for me in working through it. I'm also working on taking some of the shrines down around the house...it's almost too much. I have a cross with the rose from his coffin hung in my kitchen, an old sticky note that he had written "I love you" on hanging by the sink, poems written by him framed on my walls, a stuffed animal wearing some of his clothes, multiple angel figurines and pictures of him, memory boxes and belongings of his strewn across the house. It was very healing to do these at first, but now I'm not sure how healthy it really is.
So....my first step in bringing him down off this pedestal of enshrinement is by admitting he wasn't perfect and actually telling you some of the "bad" things. In no way was he a bad person though, I loved him very much and cherish each memory we shared. (just to clarify and aka make me feel better about dissing him :)
Tuesday, March 01, 2011
It's with a sad heart that I write this blog. My boyfriend and I separated yesterday after having a deep discussion about the love I still hold for Chris and whether I'm truly ready to be in a relationship again. We also talked about the fact that I have totally slacked in my part of the relationship. He has done so much for me but when it comes to what I've done for him, it's slim pickings. When I stopped to think about how much effort I've really put into this relationship, it was pretty sad. I remember buying him a sweet card once, and a pair of slippers. For Christmas I got him this romantic tennis rack and a set of tennis balls. Then there was that really heartfelt gift card to Starbucks I got him for Valentine's day....and, well, other than picking up some dinner or a pack of cigs, that's pretty much it. Here's what he has done for me: at least 4 really heartfelt cards, a handmade card that is the size of a posterboard detailed with handwritten poems, collectible angels, a gift card to iTunes so I could do a happy dance when I finally reached my goal weight, planned romantic evenings that included watching a meteor shower from an air mattress surrounded by candles...fresh fruit with 2 choices of dips (only rule was we couldn't feed ourselves :)...and even a full body massage complete with portable massage table, candles, and relaxing nature noises in the background. Oh and let's not forget the fuzzy heart pajama pants I'm wearing right now. Think he has me beat by a *cough* slight margin.
And while we're at it, let's point out non-material things that he has done for me. He has cleaned around my house more than he has his own. He has driven 30 minutes to see me each and every time he comes over which is around 3 times a week on average, sometimes more. He treats my children as if they're his own and even has come to love them. He actively participates in their lives by attending school functions and helping with the discipline and daily routines established around the house. He's helped in setting some new rules all while openly communicating with me in how WE should do it. He loves my pets and tries to train my dog to break his bad habits around the house. He understands me more than any one person ever has. He picks up on my energy and just knows when there's something going on in my head and can usually figure out what it is without me saying a word. He encourages me to be open and honest here on Spark, to reach out to my friends here and use SP as the healthy outlet that I need in my life. He has helped me become sober and remain sober. He has loved my shortcomings as well as supported my successes. He follows a healthy lifestyle because I do and because it he also sees it's importance. He wants to take on my challenges with me, not just on the sidelines cheering me on. He understands what it's like to lose someone you love with all of your being.
What all did Chris do for me? The one I seem to compare everything the bf does to?? Well, he did buy me some really nice gifts when it came to Christmas or my birthday. He took on the role of being a father to my kids although they weren't his own. Didn't do a whole heck of a lot with them actually. It was just the time factor and the constant involvement in their everyday lives that made them grow to love him. Yes, there was the time he picked them up from school for me. He liked to ride bikes with them and fly kites too. He did love them and vowed to always take care of them if something were to happen to me. But the one big flaw in our relationship was the unhealthy fact that he was an alcoholic and I was an enabler. I could make a whole blog about how wonderful he was but I can also make a whole blog about what it was like to live with an alcoholic. I didn't think our relationship suffered at the time, but in hindsight, I know it did.
How could I be so in love with Chris and question my love for the boyfriend when he CLEARLY has done so much for me...more than Chris ever did? Why can I not love and treat the boyfriend like he truly deserves to be treated? Is there really a madly, deeply, true love feeling or is this just a fairy tale I'm holding on to and am looking for? Am I living the fairy tale and I just don't know it?
Deep thoughts, by Leslie
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dear Best Friend:
You have been there for me through the bad times and the good. When I needed someone, I could always count on you. If I was stressed out, you calmed my fears. If I was happy, you were there to celebrate. If I was lonely, you were there to comfort me. In the depths of my despair, you were there for me every single time. Iíve never been able to rely on anyone as much as I have you. Thereís just something about your companionship and loyalty that is like nothing Iíve ever found before.
But I have come to a point in my life where I donít need you anymore. Iím told all of the time how youíre not good for me, but Iíve chosen to ignore it. Youíve controlled my life for too long now and Iím ashamed that I let you! Iím not going to play the victim anymore. Youíve done nothing but hurt me and stop me from reaching my full potential. Youíve taken away some precious people in my life and on top of all that, you smell! Iíve chosen you over my own health! Well not anymore! Iím moving on with my life and will no longer let you control me! Goodbye cigarettes!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Well I've officially come down with my first cold of the year. It seems like it's been forever since I've been sick. Come to think of it, I haven't gotten sick since I started this new healthy lifestyle! It was inevitable though, both my kids had this, plus my boyfriend, and now me. Darn cold and flu season! The kids pick up so many germs from school, no matter how many times I tell them to sanitize their hands! Blek!
Something I am excited about is that I'm on track to meet my personal goal I set for February. I decided that I was sick of seeing 150ville and would like to take a peak at what it's like to see the 140's. I was hovering around 152 so I thought this was totally possible. Well, then Mrs. I'll eat whatever you put in front of my face came for a visit and I about kicked myself in the butt when I saw the scale move to 157. It was probably a good thing that I made myself weigh in because once I saw that number I was like, DOH! This has got to stop! I guzzled my water the next couple of days trying to flush all that bad food out and when I stepped on the scale the next time it was back to 154. Phew! 3 lbs were water retention, thank goodness! I thought, I probably just blew my shot of seeing the 140's. Well, this morning the scale smiled at me and said 151.2!! There's a chance afterall!! I've really been watching my sodium, eating clean, and always getting in at least 64 ounces of water. My little spurts of exercise are helping too! Thank goodness the scale is going in the right direction again!!
I just have one problem. My legs are starting to get some bad cramps. I woke up with several charley horses through out the night and my calves are pretty tight this morning. I'm wondering if I'm not getting enough of something. Maybe my electrolytes are low? All I've been drinking is water and I'm starting to think maybe I should start drinking some gatorade or juice, or something. Have any of you had any problems with leg cramps?
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