Tuesday, March 08, 2011
Hey Spark friends! Just a quick update this morning. Ray (the bf) came over and we had another long talk last night. We are still 'separated'. I begged him to take me back last night and the other night too....for unhealthy reasons probably, but we've left things at this: He's going to work on him and I'm going to work on me. To build a stronger relationship we must build a stronger platform to start from. It's going to be hard, emotional, and stressful, but I think this could be the start of something great. We are capable of having a much healthier and loving relationship but we must work at it. It's not going to change over night and I need to just trust in God and in the path He is choosing to put us on. We've come to this point in our relationship for a reason, and I know that God is giving us an oppurtunity to build the most loving relationship of my life, not only with Ray but with myself! If I just follow Him and trust in Him, everything else will fall into place. I must learn to love myself and make peace with the demons that are holding me back. I am a bit scared and sad but I'm also determined. I WILL come out of this a stronger and more independent person! I WILL become the change I want to see!
"While you can't go back and make a brand new start, you can start from now and make a brand new end." ~unknown author
Wednesday, March 02, 2011
I just think it's so awesome that I can jot down my deepest thoughts and get such heartfelt responses. I know it's very healing for me and is helping me to sort through the things that are going on in my head. I love my Sparkfriends and I wonder sometimes how I can adequately thank each person for the most amazing support I've ever received. I just love all of you guys and am very thankful that I have your virtual shoulders to lean on!
One thing that a dear friend picked up on in my last blog was that it was the first time I had ever said anything "bad" about Chris...and she was exactly right. I even have a slight sense of guilt since doing it, but I think that's normal. A part of me hopes I'm not disrespecting his memory, but inside I know this is something I need to do. There's something they call enshrinement after someone dies...where you put them up on this very high pedestal and only remember the positive aspects of them. You may even make them out to be more than they were. You build multiple shrines around in numerous places for them. The dictionary defines enshrinement as: to hold as sacred; cherish; treasure. To a certain extent, this is healthy. But too much of it is not.
I know this is something that I've done and by admitting that Chris wasn't perfect is the first step for me in working through it. I'm also working on taking some of the shrines down around the house...it's almost too much. I have a cross with the rose from his coffin hung in my kitchen, an old sticky note that he had written "I love you" on hanging by the sink, poems written by him framed on my walls, a stuffed animal wearing some of his clothes, multiple angel figurines and pictures of him, memory boxes and belongings of his strewn across the house. It was very healing to do these at first, but now I'm not sure how healthy it really is.
So....my first step in bringing him down off this pedestal of enshrinement is by admitting he wasn't perfect and actually telling you some of the "bad" things. In no way was he a bad person though, I loved him very much and cherish each memory we shared. (just to clarify and aka make me feel better about dissing him :)
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