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Tired yet DETERMINED!

Friday, March 04, 2011

I canít wait to get caught up on everybodyís blogs today! Iíve been off of work for the last day and Ĺ and my internet connection at home is much slower than the one at work. It takes twice the time to do my thang on SP, in turn making for one frustrated red head! Lol So now that Iím at work, I can try to get caught up a bit! hehe.
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My body is just exhausted and emotionally drained today. Iím moving pretty slow! Not even my strawberry shortcake coffee from Starbucksís can get me moving. (Which BTW is heavenly!) emoticon

I had a great time at the kindergarten field trip yesterday. My son had a blast and said it was ďamazing,Ē Lol. I also took the kids to the park after school and let them run around while I enjoyed some reading. Then they played outside even more after they got home. The weather was so nice and so we totally took advantage of it. A little Vitamin D is good for the soul! By the end of the day I was surprised to see that my pedometer read over 9,000 steps!! Thatís like the most Iíve gotten so far! No wonder Iím so exhausted! It also didnít help that Iíve been up really late every night this week, one night until almost 2 am. So Iím looking forward to getting caught up on my sleep this weekendÖ(after I get off work tomorrow! Fridays arenít that awesome when you still have to work the next morning!) emoticon

No deep thoughts for a minuteÖbut I will leave you with this. Iím turning a new page in my life. Thereís going to be no more Ďtalking aboutí doing things, itís going to be all about doing them! emoticon



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New Goals:

Handle my responsibilities as a mother first and foremost! emoticon

Reconnect with God! emoticon

Look fear in the eye and say, KISS OFF! emoticon

Become independent instead of codependent! emoticon

FORGIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon emoticon


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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PCOH051610 3/7/2011 11:43AM

    Your goals sound really good and totally attainable! I hope you had a good sleep! Us redheads can get pretty contrary without our beauty rest!!!Ha!

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LIBBYFITZ 3/6/2011 9:07AM

    Love the goals!

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LZY0108 3/5/2011 9:47PM

    Great Goals!! Especially the second one, I can really relate.. I recently reconnected with God.. Its been awesome..
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KAMAPERRY 3/5/2011 5:00PM

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ABB698 3/5/2011 4:49PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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AZURELITE 3/5/2011 3:33PM

    Hope you're having a very restful weekend, Leslie!
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ERIKO1908 3/5/2011 11:54AM

    Great set of goals, Leslie! You are an inspiration to me with how hard you are working on improving every aspect of your life! Keep up all your hard work...you'll get there!!
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MOMFAN 3/5/2011 12:04AM

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LA_MARY 3/4/2011 11:08PM

    Sounds like you had a great day with the field trip yesterday. I hope you have a wonderful and positive weekend! The buttons to my left as I'm typing this comment says it all (in your background...) Keep Smiling - Keep Positive - Love Life - Dreams.

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~Mary
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TEMPEST272002 3/4/2011 10:31PM

    Sweet dreams to you. I hope you wake up tomorrow refreshed!

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DUSTYGIRL25 3/4/2011 10:29PM

    I love your new goals. They are excellent! Way to Go with a new positive attitude! emoticon

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MPALMER15 3/4/2011 9:35PM

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ASHLEYKAT 3/4/2011 7:15PM

    Sounds wonderful! You can do it girl!

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REJ7777 3/4/2011 7:14PM

    Glad you and your son enjoyed your day. And all those steps are a nice bonus! emoticon

BTW, those are wonderful goals! emoticon

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CHOESCH 3/4/2011 6:16PM

    Hey Hon,
I've missed you - I've been sick with the flu and it took me out of life for a while. I know that feeling of being totally bone tired. It sounds like you had a great day yesterday - I too am looking forward to spring - it can't get here soon enough. Love your goals - I know you can do it!
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Cathy

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GETFIT2LIVE 3/4/2011 5:22PM

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GRAMMACATHY 3/4/2011 3:09PM

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IUHRYTR 3/4/2011 3:02PM

    Sound plan. emoticon -- Lou

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MOMOF2TONI 3/4/2011 12:20PM

    Great blog! You sound upbeat and motivated. Keep up the good work girl.
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RAINBOWFALLS 3/4/2011 12:01PM

    Great goals! emoticon

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KANSASROSE67 3/4/2011 11:37AM

    Love your goals! I know you will meet them. Rest up, and then take on the world!

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SHERLYN-WILL 3/4/2011 11:30AM

    YES.. I need to finish my list of goals.. time just clicks right on by... and nothing changes.. COZ I ain't been changin' it!

I am with you on this!!

"a little less talk a lot more action" (elvis song isn't it??LOL)

SO glad your son had a fantastic time... I was blogging about my son taking a wedding ring to school and giving it to a girl!... Geez.... he is 10.... not 25... leave those girls alone.. they are "TROUBLE" I tell ya... TROUBLE!!!! LOL

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BYEFATNANNY 3/4/2011 11:21AM

    Independent = freedom. Great goals, you've got it all figured out lady! Good job. Keep up the great work.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/4/2011 11:21AM

    Leslie, I'm so glad you had a fun time with the kids!

I'm also appreciating your goals! I need many of those as my goals, too! emoticon

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REDRUNNERMOM713 3/4/2011 11:16AM

    Love your goals! I'm sorry you are so drained, but hopefully you will get some good sleep this weekend. Happy to hear the field trip went well! You are such a strong woman that I have NO doubt you will reach every goal you set for yourself!! emoticon

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YW84FRIDAY 3/4/2011 11:13AM

  Those are good goals. I tend to have a little trouble with the fear thing and the whole co-dependency issue. I'm working on it.

Glad you had a nice time this week. Relax and enjoy your weekend.

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SWEETNEENI 3/4/2011 11:01AM

    emoticonGOALS!

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Enshrinement

Wednesday, March 02, 2011

I just think it's so awesome that I can jot down my deepest thoughts and get such heartfelt responses. I know it's very healing for me and is helping me to sort through the things that are going on in my head. I love my Sparkfriends and I wonder sometimes how I can adequately thank each person for the most amazing support I've ever received. I just love all of you guys and am very thankful that I have your virtual shoulders to lean on! emoticon

One thing that a dear friend picked up on in my last blog was that it was the first time I had ever said anything "bad" about Chris...and she was exactly right. I even have a slight sense of guilt since doing it, but I think that's normal. A part of me hopes I'm not disrespecting his memory, but inside I know this is something I need to do. There's something they call enshrinement after someone dies...where you put them up on this very high pedestal and only remember the positive aspects of them. You may even make them out to be more than they were. You build multiple shrines around in numerous places for them. The dictionary defines enshrinement as: to hold as sacred; cherish; treasure. To a certain extent, this is healthy. But too much of it is not.

I know this is something that I've done and by admitting that Chris wasn't perfect is the first step for me in working through it. I'm also working on taking some of the shrines down around the house...it's almost too much. I have a cross with the rose from his coffin hung in my kitchen, an old sticky note that he had written "I love you" on hanging by the sink, poems written by him framed on my walls, a stuffed animal wearing some of his clothes, multiple angel figurines and pictures of him, memory boxes and belongings of his strewn across the house. It was very healing to do these at first, but now I'm not sure how healthy it really is.

So....my first step in bringing him down off this pedestal of enshrinement is by admitting he wasn't perfect and actually telling you some of the "bad" things. In no way was he a bad person though, I loved him very much and cherish each memory we shared. (just to clarify and aka make me feel better about dissing him :) emoticon

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PCOH051610 3/7/2011 11:41AM

    I think you've reached a point in your grieving journey that is completely healthy. Good for you! It is all too easy to pretend all was perfect about somebody who died, but I think it is more courageous to admit, that you loved them despite their little "flaws".

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MOMFAN 3/5/2011 1:02AM

    emoticon

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ABB698 3/4/2011 12:00AM

    You are learning and teaching on this journey, YOU my friend, are incredible!! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 3/3/2011 12:24PM

    I think that you are moving through your grief in a healthy way. You are taking the next steps in the healing process and that is a good thing.
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REDRUNNERMOM713 3/3/2011 9:44AM

    If it's too scary or upsetting to take all the shrines down at once, maybe you could start with just removing a few things at a time. You could always create a special place for a few things of his, but keep them in one place and not all throughout the house. I'm so proud of you for working through all of this and trying to find what works best for you. You are am amazing woman and I feel so blessed to know you!! emoticon

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CULACCINA 3/3/2011 2:01AM

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JHADZHIA 3/3/2011 12:08AM

    Dustygirl gives great advice. Alcoholism is a disease..Lots of people suffer from it. Everyone has good and bad things about them. That doesn't make their loss any less painful. I am glad you are working toward helping yourself with your grieving. I sincerely hope this works for you and allows you to be free and really live your new life without him..
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TRANSFORMWE 3/2/2011 11:46PM

    Leslie, I'm so proud of you with all the inner work you have been doing! These are hard questions you are grappling with, in this and your earlier blogs, and the way you engage with them, with the struggle is very inspiring. Bravo for being willing to see with new eyes and keep moving courageously forward.

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DUSTYGIRL25 3/2/2011 11:22PM

    Hi Leslie,

Of course Chris wasn't perfect, he was human and none of us are perfect. Admitting it, is a big step for you and I'm sure that is important in putting you on a healing path.

As far as the items that remind you of him, maybe it is time to take them and put them away in a nice place. Maybe get a nice pretty chest and put all your keepsakes in there. That way if you want to look at them you can, but they are not out on display.

No matter who we are dating or living with or married to, they probably will not want to see reminders of the past relationship on a daily basis.
We've all had previous people in our lives and no way do we expect to wipe everyone out that our significant other has ever dated.
However, the new person deserves a chance to put their own stamp on your life and not feel like they are competing with someone from the past.

I believe you care very much for your boyfriend but are afraid to really let go of Chris. But, if you really expect to move forward and find new love, you gotta let go of the past somewhat and let the new person in your life.

Ok, I have to add a disclaimer, I'm not a medical professional so these are just my opinions. But I hope it helps a little.

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KAMAPERRY 3/2/2011 8:57PM

    Again you set an awesome example. I have tended to "idealize" my past relationship. Time to put it away. emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 3/2/2011 8:12PM

    My son was not perfect but the love I still carry of him is real. You will work through this just fine. emoticon

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MOMOF2TONI 3/2/2011 3:32PM

    There's really not much I can add to the great things people have said. And your blogs are amazing. I will say that when my ex and I divorced, it was very painful and I truly felt like someone had died. Even though he hurt me badly, I missed him like crazy and would think often about the wonderful times we had. That was 11 years ago and I admit that once in awhile I find myself missing him, even though I'm remarried to a fantastic guy. The bad part is, he was a doper and cheated on me...a lot. When I start thinking about how sweet he could be, and how giving he was, and the nice things he did for me.... I have to come down to earth and ALSO remind myself of the many times he hurt me and would have continued to do so. I'm sure Chris was a wonderful guy, but it definitely helps to remember the faults as well. And NO, I'm certainly not comparing Chris to the guy I was married to. It just reminded me of how far I've come since 11 years ago, and how happy I am now.

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REJ7777 3/2/2011 1:59PM

    C.S. Lewis wrote a book after the death of his beloved wife, called: "A Grief Exposed". In it he speaks of his sadness at forgetting the *real* person his wife was, with positive AND negative qualities. His heart was automatically *enshrining* her. In spite of himself, he was *fabricating* a perfect image of her in his mind, and forgetting the real person.

Comment edited on: 3/2/2011 2:00:01 PM

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ASHLEYKAT 3/2/2011 1:53PM

    You're absolutely right, I think. And just a word of warning: if you ever want to get rid of some of the physical shrines: have a friend or loved one take it and hold onto it for two or three weeks before getting rid of it (by donating to Goodwill perhaps?). If at the end, you want it back, you're going to have to ask your friend for it. That way, you do not have to get rid of them, you can get over the initial "OMG, I want it back now!" and realize further on if you need all of them. It was easier for me to dispose of some things my mother had than for her, because I wasn't so closely connected.

But most of all-
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GOGOMAMA 3/2/2011 1:17PM

    I love your heartfelt honesty and willingness to keep working towards healing!! It's very inspiring! Hugs!

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GRAMMACATHY 3/2/2011 12:23PM

    Actually, you have given me a lot to think about. You are a very positive and intelligent person. Take the things down as you see fit, but don't get rid of anything that you don't feel good about getting rid of. Just put them in a box and tuck them under the eaves. You will be able to take the next steps as time heals. I just started tossing Mom and Dad's files and records and it has been six years. Much easier now.

After a painful divorce, current Hubby was incredibly patient with me. He too was a good friend that never went away. However, he had to periodically remind me that he was not the ex and that I needed to trust him. I probably want to divorce him at least once a month, but we have been together for 28 years through thick and thin. Nice to know that we are both willing to work on it. I will have to do something loving for him today. Thanks.

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KANSASROSE67 3/2/2011 11:51AM

    You are really learning and growing and working through things...I'm so proud of you. Wonderful blog, as always!

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TRUE-NESS 3/2/2011 11:38AM

    You're right, and you're doing exactly what you need to do. God bless!

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LIBBYFITZ 3/2/2011 11:08AM

    emoticonI am learning so much from you! Thank you for trusting us to share your deepest thoughts with us here on Sparkpeople.

When people ask me what I do with my day, I reply , "I belong to a website called Sparkpeople and it a healthy living lifestyle site and I use it to track my nutrition and fitness. I also have friends that support me and I in return I support them on our very different journeys in trying to live a happier and healthier life." emoticon emoticon

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OHSOSVELTE 3/2/2011 11:01AM

    Wow! This so heartfelt and true. It is so hard to deal with the shrines we naturally build up, and you are right, can be difficult, or as you say, "unhealthy," after awhile. I know I had a similar hard time over lost loved ones, feeling like I was throwing a part of them away, even when it just meant putting a photograph away in a file or throwing out their old beach towel. Silly, but it can tie one up in knots, if they let it. Can stop one from living and loving, as you have written.

I think you are amazing. Of course, I didn't know Chris, but I do know the loved ones I've lost would have been extremely uncomfortable on the pedestal I built for them. They were human and loved so much for their foibles too. You are showing how close you were to Chris, and honoring too, in seeing Chris exactly as he was! And you are leaving room to love yourself and for others to love you, too.

Comment edited on: 3/2/2011 11:03:29 AM

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SHERLYN-WILL 3/2/2011 10:56AM

    OH.. I should have worded that different.. I didn't mean it was bad you said it.. I meant it was the first time I had heard of any "IMPERFECTIONS" you saw.

I knew he had some.. WE ALL DO.. but you had never shared them.. and in doing so it to me shows 'healing' and moving forward some!

I did NOT seeing you DISSING him!! AT ALL!!!

I think remembering the good times are great.. but remembering the truths are part of healing..! It helps put it all in a little bit of perspective.. (maybe!)... I don't know.. but I know that when my sister lost her son (he was 31) (died in a wreck) and then a couple yrs later she lost her husband that she for so long shared that she only seemed to remember the GOOD things about both.. and then she started thinking about some of the not so good.. things because those things WERE part of who they ARE!

Love,
Sherlyn

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/2/2011 10:53AM

    Wow, Leslie! There you go again! You are amazing! I think you are really moving forward in a very healthy way! emoticon

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Deep Thoughts...

Tuesday, March 01, 2011

It's with a sad heart that I write this blog. My boyfriend and I separated yesterday after having a deep discussion about the love I still hold for Chris and whether I'm truly ready to be in a relationship again. We also talked about the fact that I have totally slacked in my part of the relationship. He has done so much for me but when it comes to what I've done for him, it's slim pickings. When I stopped to think about how much effort I've really put into this relationship, it was pretty sad. I remember buying him a sweet card once, and a pair of slippers. For Christmas I got him this romantic tennis rack and a set of tennis balls. Then there was that really heartfelt gift card to Starbucks I got him for Valentine's day....and, well, other than picking up some dinner or a pack of cigs, that's pretty much it. Here's what he has done for me: at least 4 really heartfelt cards, a handmade card that is the size of a posterboard detailed with handwritten poems, collectible angels, a gift card to iTunes so I could do a happy dance when I finally reached my goal weight, planned romantic evenings that included watching a meteor shower from an air mattress surrounded by candles...fresh fruit with 2 choices of dips (only rule was we couldn't feed ourselves :)...and even a full body massage complete with portable massage table, candles, and relaxing nature noises in the background. Oh and let's not forget the fuzzy heart pajama pants I'm wearing right now. Think he has me beat by a *cough* slight margin.

And while we're at it, let's point out non-material things that he has done for me. He has cleaned around my house more than he has his own. He has driven 30 minutes to see me each and every time he comes over which is around 3 times a week on average, sometimes more. He treats my children as if they're his own and even has come to love them. He actively participates in their lives by attending school functions and helping with the discipline and daily routines established around the house. He's helped in setting some new rules all while openly communicating with me in how WE should do it. He loves my pets and tries to train my dog to break his bad habits around the house. He understands me more than any one person ever has. He picks up on my energy and just knows when there's something going on in my head and can usually figure out what it is without me saying a word. He encourages me to be open and honest here on Spark, to reach out to my friends here and use SP as the healthy outlet that I need in my life. He has helped me become sober and remain sober. He has loved my shortcomings as well as supported my successes. He follows a healthy lifestyle because I do and because it he also sees it's importance. He wants to take on my challenges with me, not just on the sidelines cheering me on. He understands what it's like to lose someone you love with all of your being.

What all did Chris do for me? The one I seem to compare everything the bf does to?? Well, he did buy me some really nice gifts when it came to Christmas or my birthday. He took on the role of being a father to my kids although they weren't his own. Didn't do a whole heck of a lot with them actually. It was just the time factor and the constant involvement in their everyday lives that made them grow to love him. Yes, there was the time he picked them up from school for me. He liked to ride bikes with them and fly kites too. He did love them and vowed to always take care of them if something were to happen to me. But the one big flaw in our relationship was the unhealthy fact that he was an alcoholic and I was an enabler. I could make a whole blog about how wonderful he was but I can also make a whole blog about what it was like to live with an alcoholic. I didn't think our relationship suffered at the time, but in hindsight, I know it did.

How could I be so in love with Chris and question my love for the boyfriend when he CLEARLY has done so much for me...more than Chris ever did? Why can I not love and treat the boyfriend like he truly deserves to be treated? Is there really a madly, deeply, true love feeling or is this just a fairy tale I'm holding on to and am looking for? Am I living the fairy tale and I just don't know it?

Deep thoughts, by Leslie

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PCOH051610 3/6/2011 7:13AM

    Leslie~ So sorry that I am only taking the time to read this now (March 6th). I don`t know what to say other than I think you need some time away to soul search. I`m amazed at your ability to tell it as it is. It is great that you can take the time to acknowledge that Chris wasn`t perfect but you loved him anyway.

I`m holding you close to my heart as you work through this situation. emoticon

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RUNJEWELRUN 3/5/2011 6:35PM

    I'm praying for you too!

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BOMBCHELL23 3/5/2011 8:17AM

    Leslie,
Obviously you are soul searching and I realize I am late on this but I shall be praying for you. I hope things work out for the best and I hope you continue to grow and be honest with yourself. It really may be time to let Chris go and move forward even though it is extremely difficult. Just know I'll be here for you, feel free to reach out. We are a supportive team.

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JHADZHIA 3/3/2011 12:00AM

    So sorry it hasn't worked out with your bf :(( You must do what you truly feel, deep down inside your heart. As you have said Chris was your one true love and you were deeply in love with him and to have that so brutally cut off will take a very long time to recover from. You possibly were not really ready for another relationship with Chris so much on your mind. I really can't imagine how long it would take to recover from the deep shock you had...
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KAMAPERRY 3/2/2011 9:17PM

    I think you just need time. To find your self, and be your self without any distractions. Hugs, dear friend.

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BTRTHANEVA 3/2/2011 8:22PM

    Dearest Leslie ~

Sometimes the best thing you can do for a relationship is let it be. Give yourselves some time to sort things out.

Both you and Blockhead have made some phenominal changes in your lives! But you both also have a lot of emotional baggage that doesn't just disappear. You've brough love and hope to each other and to your children as well. But you can't move on until you've made peace with the past. Everyone does this on their own individual timeframe.

You are entering a transition period. Be good to yourself. Keep an open mind and an open heart. Believe in miracles, after all - you ARE one. What the future holds is anyone's guess. Just make today, this moment, the best you can for yourself and your kids...

Remember to follow your dreams! I love you! emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 3/2/2011 7:45PM

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DALMOMOF3 3/2/2011 2:32PM

    Im so sorry that you are going through this, that is very sad. You deserve to be happy, love yourself like he loves you. Maybe it was the timing, i have a feeling your story is not over!

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GOGOMAMA 3/2/2011 1:22PM

    Hugs!!!!

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KANSASROSE67 3/2/2011 11:59AM

    I can't pretend to know the situation or the feelings well enough, so please just take this advice in the loving way it's intended. Maybe you got into this new relationship too soon, when you were still grieving too much to give it a fair chance. Maybe if you give it space and time, it will become clear to you both if you belong together or not. He sounds like a wonderful guy, but only you can know for sure whether he's the right person or if it's the right time. Hugs and prayers.

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CULACCINA 3/2/2011 9:26AM

    Hugs, girl. Tons of them.
You truly are a warrior. It takes a lot of courage to get into a new relationship after such a loss, and it takes a lot more courage to realize what you need right now and to go with it. I'm really proud of you :)
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LIBBYFITZ 3/2/2011 9:13AM

    emoticonI cannot be in your shoes so I cannot even pretend to be any where near where you are emotionally. You are still in very early stages of grieving for Chris. Go with your gut, and if this is not right you were right to end it. We are in relationships for all sorts of reasons, and those relationships change as time goes by. You need to be able to grow together and feel comfortable. If you feel that there is some sort of "tally" going on as to who is doing the most for a relationship, it is NOT a healthy one. Relationships involve a lot of compromise and I think you have a lot on your plate with raising 2 young children and looking after yourself. You have come a long way in the last 2 years and you will continue to grow and mature with your darling children. When Mr Right comes along you will know it in your heart and your heart will be ready. emoticon

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PRUPLEBEAR 3/2/2011 8:37AM

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DUSTYGIRL25 3/2/2011 6:46AM

    I think I would have to agree with what Amber said.

You will instinctively know when the person or situation is right for you. Your actions were for a reason. Maybe your not ready yet, maybe he's just not the "the one".

Just go with your gut feeling. You'll know when the time is right!
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MOMFAN 3/2/2011 12:53AM

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 3/1/2011 11:53PM

    Wow, Leslie... what a lot of strong emotions... as usual, I didn't know just what to say, so I read all the comments before mine. You have gotten some really great advise! What comes to my mind is not so much that your boyfriend is "over the top", but that perhaps you might be feeling that you do not deserve what he is offering you? That was my case, anyway, and I had to come to terms with the fact that I was, indeed, worth the effort of great affection and kindness.

Love you, my friend. Just do what you know is best, and that is probably to BREATHE, and to focus on the little ones for a while and just rest the relationship, maybe. That's my non-expert take on things! emoticon

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SHERLYN-WILL 3/1/2011 11:34PM

    I support you in whatever you feel.. I do! I have only been your sparkfriend a SHORT time.. but really have "felt" the love you felt for Chris... and sensed it and believed it.. and thought it was great!

I thought it sounded like your current boyfriend was really sweet in how patient and supportive he was when you were having bad days or highly emotional days in regards to Chris! I thought he seemed very supportive!

NOW.. having said all of that.. I do feel that we connect in life with someone on a different level of attraction... you know maybe even I could say 'chemistry'! YOU know where there is a high passion for them.. and a super deep love and intimacy!

I think too when we are away from them.. whether it be a death (in you case) or a break up (in my case)... we always tend to really focus on the good.. and the wonderful things about that person! We somehow 'forget' the bad.... maybe not in a TOTALLY I just cannot remember the bad.. but in the way that we 'choose to THINK of the good!" DOES this make sense!

I think this blog is the first time I have seen you 'mention' any bad about Chris.. (I don't mean like he was bad.. but like you are recognizing and maybe I daresay... "analyzing" the whole relationship... in a diff. light) AM I rambling... I could say this easier.. just TALKING to you.. but typing it I hope I am still conveying what I am meaning... !! (WINK)

I dated a guy.. and he was like a first love for me... and we dated 3 plus yrs.. and he was like a soul mate... (like a very deep passionate amazing relationship)... we split and went our sep. ways (long story , but I broke up with him) I married not long after.. and divorced... and remarried again... over the next couple of yrs. (NOW married for 22 plus yrs) FOR a very long time.. I compared this old love to my current husband) in allot of unhealthy ways... I kind of kept the old (first love) on a pedestal (AT LEAST IN MY MIND!)... and never seemed to be able to recall any 'BAD" memories.

I say all this to say THIS: through many things.. and obstacles and ongoing type trials of different things in my marriage.. I one day realized that there WAS BAD THINGS.. I had broken up with this guy.. BY CHOICE.. and I was dillusional in thinking it was ALL ROSES and CHOCOLATES! LOL

I am not going to tell you it has been a fantastic marriage to my current husband.. but we have endured allot of trials and come through them together... and things actually got better.. when I let the Old flame.. go in my mind... (not to be forgotten) but to be laid to rest.. (so to speak!) I sure hope I have not offended you in any way with any of my wording!

HUGS..
AND PRAYERS FOR YOU!!!


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GRAMMACATHY 3/1/2011 11:00PM

    Very deep thoughts. I am glad you are able to express yourself to help you sort out your heart. I suspect you bonded with Chris and had deep passion even if there was some chaos. Give yourself permission to grieve and move forward from there. Writing this blog was a good step.

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THEMIGHTYLEX 3/1/2011 10:01PM

    The heart wants what the heart wants, but it's important to remember the heart can make poor decisions on it's own. Sometimes making choices that will enrich your life, must be left to the head, and trust the heart to catch up.

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ERIKO1908 3/1/2011 9:38PM

    Wow! What a powerful blog you shared here. I have no real answers for you, but I do see that you are doing yourself a huge favor by working through this. You will get to where you need to go & I believe you will be in a very healthy place when you get there! HUGS to you Leslie! You are in my prayers.

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KKP4673 3/1/2011 9:22PM

    Great questions, Leslie. I'm glad you're thinking about the questions and I support you while you find out the answers for yourself. ---Sometimes, we're not ready to be treated in a wonderful way.... It just doesn't "feel right."

I don't know the why's, but what I do know is that you are definitely pursuing the right questions and the right answers for you will follow, I am sure!

Take care!!

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1_AMAZING_WOMAN 3/1/2011 9:19PM

    I don't know really but your boyfriend sounds 'over the top'. I would feel really uncomfortable with his level of emotional intensity. Some of what you describe of him - though sounding sweet - sends off red-flags in me - to put it mildly. But, then I don't really know him, but having been with the men I have been with I have learned some things that give me red-flags.

As far as tit for tat as to who gave more... I don't think that is constructive. You have to look beyond that. But, as to who gave to the relationship itself, that is something to consider. Perhaps you weren't ready to give more. Perhaps your subconcious is giving you warning signs that you aren't allowing yourself to see. Whatever the reason, it isn't working for you, and you should listen to your gut.

You will find Mr. right at some point. You do not have to settle for anyone who doesn't meet your standards, whether that means qualities or emotionally etc.

Best wishes,
Amber

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I need to do this...

Friday, February 25, 2011

Dear Best Friend:

You have been there for me through the bad times and the good. When I needed someone, I could always count on you. If I was stressed out, you calmed my fears. If I was happy, you were there to celebrate. If I was lonely, you were there to comfort me. In the depths of my despair, you were there for me every single time. Iíve never been able to rely on anyone as much as I have you. Thereís just something about your companionship and loyalty that is like nothing Iíve ever found before.

But I have come to a point in my life where I donít need you anymore. Iím told all of the time how youíre not good for me, but Iíve chosen to ignore it. Youíve controlled my life for too long now and Iím ashamed that I let you! Iím not going to play the victim anymore. Youíve done nothing but hurt me and stop me from reaching my full potential. Youíve taken away some precious people in my life and on top of all that, you smell! Iíve chosen you over my own health! Well not anymore! Iím moving on with my life and will no longer let you control me! Goodbye cigarettes!

Sincerely,

Leslie

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  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CALIKIKI 3/6/2011 3:59PM

    YAY YOU!

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PUNZIE73 3/6/2011 7:43AM

    Good to you for getting rid of your stinky friend! You don't need him.

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GWENAEL 3/1/2011 6:03PM

  You are amazing! You have all my respect!!!

You are the emoticon

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HEALTHYME229 3/1/2011 5:36PM

    emoticon



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PCOH051610 3/1/2011 2:05PM

    So proud of you!!!!! emoticon

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LIVIN2LOVE1 3/1/2011 10:41AM

    Good job! I quit for good 13 years ago. Aside from all the cash you'll save, you're saving your health. emoticon

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SWEETNEENI 2/28/2011 11:34AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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BOMBCHELL23 2/28/2011 6:42AM

    Leslie,
This was awesome, really made me smile. I am glad you are booting your best friend to the curb! Keep up the good work! emoticon

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LOOZINITNOW 2/27/2011 1:17PM

    You won't regret that decision! emoticon

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SAMI199 2/27/2011 4:58AM

    Yay!!!!! You will be so glad you did-I am still amazed that I ever smoked @ all- I here if you need an ear-Yay!!!!!!!!!!!!

emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

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OPALMOON 2/27/2011 4:25AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

Great choice, Leslie!! Good for you!

emoticon

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ERIKO1908 2/27/2011 12:16AM

    emoticon
emoticon
emoticon
Always love reading a letter like this!!
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emoticon
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KAMAPERRY 2/26/2011 2:57PM

    YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
!!!! emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWFALLS 2/26/2011 11:00AM

    emoticon

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RHONDA_11 2/26/2011 8:37AM

    Yay! Good for you! I quit in 2006 after smoking multiple DECADES. You can do it!!!! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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DEBRITA01 2/26/2011 7:09AM

    emoticonGood decision...wishing you continued success!

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ABB698 2/26/2011 4:28AM

    Kickin' Butt emoticon and takin' names! That's our Leslie!! emoticon

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MOMFAN 2/26/2011 2:33AM

    emoticon

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JHADZHIA 2/25/2011 11:52PM

    You go girl!!

You emoticon those nasty coffin nails out of your (and your family's) life!!

emoticon

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DUSTYGIRL25 2/25/2011 11:10PM

    Good for You! Stamp those smelly things out! emoticon

With best friends like that, who needs enemies!

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IBSHAUN 2/25/2011 10:59PM

    emoticon

Good for you!! You can do it! I smoked for a few years (years ago) and I am always SO grateful that I stuck to it and quit. YOU WILL GET THERE! Your children will be so very proud of you - and so will we!



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JENJOEJILLY816 2/25/2011 9:52PM

    emoticon u can do it!!!

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 2/25/2011 8:18PM

    WOW! Am I EVER glad I popped in to your blog tonight! Hurray! I'm so proud of you! emoticon emoticon emoticon

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KTMAE2006 2/25/2011 8:09PM

    Atta girl! Healthier AND wealthier!

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MOMOF2TONI 2/25/2011 7:07PM

    emoticon emoticon

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KRYANPRINCESS 2/25/2011 6:54PM

    You Can Do it Les! I know it's not easy, March 1 will be a year for me since my last relapse with Cigs, I've even quit as long as 6 years, it's a continuous battle, but you have come so far in so many ways, you can battle this one too! Good for you for making that decision and I know you CAN DO IT!!! emoticon emoticon

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REJ7777 2/25/2011 6:05PM

    That's a great friend to dump on your personal health and fitness journey! Break-ups are never easy, but this is one your body will thank you for. emoticon emoticon

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SARAH_HOPE 2/25/2011 5:11PM

    Way to go! I haven't confessed this on SP yet but I'm a smoker too... future ex-smoker that is! My quit date is set for March 5. Best of luck to you! emoticon

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IUHRYTR 2/25/2011 5:03PM

    emoticon -- Lou

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-ICANDOIT- 2/25/2011 4:44PM

    You are awesome!
You are powerful and strong and so determined!
What a great choice- I am happy to be in your cheering section! emoticon

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ASHLEYKAT 2/25/2011 4:34PM

    Yay! You can totally do it! Imagine all the fun stuff you can buy with that money!

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LIBBYFITZ 2/25/2011 4:34PM

    emoticonWell done!

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BYEFATNANNY 2/25/2011 4:29PM

    The next life change...we all know you can do this!!! emoticon

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RUN2MYDREAMS 2/25/2011 4:28PM

    emoticon emoticon I'm proud of you girl! I know you WILL do this! emoticon

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GRAMMACATHY 2/25/2011 4:20PM

    emoticon emoticon

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BRANDI.FEY 2/25/2011 4:13PM

    Woohoo! Good-bye, indeed! emoticon

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REDRUNNERMOM713 2/25/2011 4:12PM

    You can do it girl!!! I've stopped and started many times and need to stop again myself. You are a strong and determined woman! Please keep us posted on how you are doing with it. emoticon

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-LORINDA 2/25/2011 4:06PM

    I quit smoking almost 4 years ago. If I can do it, ANYONE can do it!!

Stay strong!! emoticon

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YESITSDEB 2/25/2011 3:59PM

    LOVE IT! You've been amazingly strong these last few years. This will be a walk in the park! YOU GO GIRL! emoticon

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NOMOEXCUSES13 2/25/2011 3:55PM

    Great Blog.....Good Luck and I know that you can do this....I'm with you all the way..... emoticon

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SHERLYN-WILL 2/25/2011 3:47PM

    OH... WOW.. YOU GO GIRL!!!! YOU never cease to amaze me!


I am cheering you on!!! BLOG about how you are doing.. let us support you! HUGS!!!

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STEPHANIE0982 2/25/2011 3:45PM

    good job!!!!!

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MRYTYLER 2/25/2011 3:44PM

    emoticon You can do this, and we will be with you every step of the way.

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AUNTIELES53 2/25/2011 3:44PM

    you can do this :)

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RAINBOWCHOC 2/25/2011 3:42PM

    good luck! emoticon

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Leg cramps

Saturday, February 19, 2011

Well I've officially come down with my first cold of the year. It seems like it's been forever since I've been sick. Come to think of it, I haven't gotten sick since I started this new healthy lifestyle! emoticon It was inevitable though, both my kids had this, plus my boyfriend, and now me. Darn cold and flu season! The kids pick up so many germs from school, no matter how many times I tell them to sanitize their hands! Blek! emoticon

Something I am excited about is that I'm on track to meet my personal goal I set for February. I decided that I was sick of seeing 150ville and would like to take a peak at what it's like to see the 140's. I was hovering around 152 so I thought this was totally possible. Well, then Mrs. I'll eat whatever you put in front of my face came for a visit and I about kicked myself in the butt when I saw the scale move to 157. emoticon It was probably a good thing that I made myself weigh in because once I saw that number I was like, DOH! This has got to stop! emoticon I guzzled my water the next couple of days trying to flush all that bad food out and when I stepped on the scale the next time it was back to 154. Phew! 3 lbs were water retention, thank goodness! emoticon I thought, I probably just blew my shot of seeing the 140's. Well, this morning the scale smiled at me and said 151.2!! There's a chance afterall!! I've really been watching my sodium, eating clean, and always getting in at least 64 ounces of water. My little spurts of exercise are helping too! Thank goodness the scale is going in the right direction again!! emoticon

I just have one problem. My legs are starting to get some bad cramps. I woke up with several charley horses through out the night and my calves are pretty tight this morning. I'm wondering if I'm not getting enough of something. Maybe my electrolytes are low? All I've been drinking is water and I'm starting to think maybe I should start drinking some gatorade or juice, or something. Have any of you had any problems with leg cramps?

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

GWENAEL 2/24/2011 12:08AM

  Hope you are feeling better now!

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LZY0108 2/23/2011 5:19PM

    Great Job on the pounds loss! emoticon That is emoticon! I was in a funk this past week and today I stepped on the scale and back to the weight I was at before! yay! emoticon

On the leg cramps, Im sure someones said this already, but, I get leg cramps when Im low on potassium I think. Eat a banana or some OJ. Theres also potassium in Emergen-C which is my fav go to when Im sick.. I actually skipped the sickness my fam was passing around cause I drank down 3 thru out the day I started feeling sick, and I had one each morning while everyone was sick...


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LA_MARY 2/21/2011 11:17PM

    Hope you are feeling better soon! emoticon

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WINNIEVIOLA 2/21/2011 8:10PM

  My system has never broke down lactic acid very well. My aerobics instructor recommended a small banana every other day.You may have flushed too many minerals. Check with an m.d. before taking potassium. It could be too strong for a healthy heart. The banana works good for me, especially when it's that time of the month.

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RUN2MYDREAMS 2/21/2011 4:28PM

    Hope you, the kiddies and BF are feeling better soon!

I know you will reach that goal my friend! One step at a time, onepound at a time...YOU WILL DO IT emoticon

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GRAMMACATHY 2/21/2011 2:10PM

    Yes, I wondered too if maybe you were dehydrated from too much flushing. Were you light headed? If not, you probably weren't dehydrated. You might eat a banana. Lack of potassium also causes leg cramps, so does muscle fatigue, being a woman, and lots of medical reasons. Hope you get it figured out soon.



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CSULLIVAN83 2/20/2011 8:10PM

    Hope you feel better soon! Drink pickle juice for the cramps.

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LOUANN22 2/20/2011 8:46AM

    i know you'll make it to 140s! your so close! great job on getting back to eating right emoticon,l better soon.

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AZURELITE 2/20/2011 7:29AM

    Hope the leg cramps go away soon... you've been given lots of great advice for this.
Don't forget to EFT tap to be rid of Mrs. eats what's in front of your face! And for the cold and many other things too... I always recommend a few drops of oil of Oregano under the tongue (hold it under the tongue for at least a minute before swallowing or it will burn your lips - it's powerful!) (or put the drops in a bit of water and gargle for a few moments before swallowing). Oil of Oregano is a natural antibiotic (which means you should eat some yogurt the same day you take it, just as you should with any other antibiotic).
Feel better soon!
emoticon

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OPALMOON 2/20/2011 1:51AM

    Hi Leslie,

Sorry to hear you are under the weather, I hope you can shake that cold off very soon!

Don't beat yourself up about getting sidetracked - we all do that sometimes! The great thing is you have realised what you were doing and got back on track. I am sure you will be seeing those 140s on the scale in time!

Sometimes a high intake of water can flush out too many minerals and electrolytes, so the right balance of water intake might change from time to time. Magnesium deficiency can lead to leg cramps, particularly at night - and as a supplement is good for other sorts of cramps, spasms, aches and pains, and also to help relieve stress, plus it assists cellular energy production, It is best taken at night time before bed, and might be worthwhile looking into.

Whatever you try, I hope it works for you!

Take care of yourself and try not to overdo anything while you are recovering!

emoticon

Nattacia

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GETFIT2LIVE 2/20/2011 12:17AM

    Yup, calcium and potassium are usually the solution for leg cramps. WOO HOO on seeing the scale move back the right direction again; hope you get over that cold quickly, though. Take good care of yourself!

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IUHRYTR 2/20/2011 12:13AM

    Good advice from the others. As for the cold, motivational speaker Zig Ziglar tells of a friend of his who has such a positive outlook that he never has had a cold in his life. He says he thinks that's negative but does admit to having a few "warms" once in a while. emoticon Hope you feel better soon as you drive toward losing that ext one pound. emoticon -- Lou

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KAMAPERRY 2/19/2011 11:59PM

    Try potassium supplements for the leg cramps, my trainer told me that. Hope you feel better soon!

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MOMFAN 2/19/2011 7:44PM

    emoticon

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SHERRY257 2/19/2011 7:25PM

    Yes, bananas and dairy are great for cramps. A baked potato also is good. I hope you are over your cold soon. You are so close to the 140's! You can do it! Great goals! emoticon

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TEMPEST272002 2/19/2011 3:46PM

    Hey - that Mrs. I'll eat whatever you put in front of my face came to visit me too. She came about a month ago & I also saw an ugly jump in the scale. I think we need to quit letting her in the door!

Glad to see you're on track for your Feb goal. Keep going!

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ABB698 2/19/2011 3:27PM

    Sorry you are not feeling well! Healing emoticon to ya!
Interesting comments about the cramps. For me, it was too much sodium, which hasn't happened for a while since on this journey, but that was my personal cramp trigger. I just keep my system flushed with water now. Plus, I have to take my meds on an empty stomach, so that keeps me from eating after 9 pm (thank goodness I have a medical reason to keep me from late night snacks!), and I have to take them with a full glass of water.
If it is calcium, I'd take a tums before bed. Tums are great calcium and you'll never have stomach problems either! LOL

Have a great weekend and take care of you!

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SHANNA_Y 2/19/2011 1:08PM

    Calcium, definitely! I used to get terrible leg and foot cramps at night, and my doctor recommended taking calcium before bed. Haven't had the problem since!

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JHADZHIA 2/19/2011 12:05PM

    Agree with those that say calcium, must have 1000 mg a day, taken in two sets.
Also, a proper cool down and good stretching after exercise is a must..
Good luck with the food, nothing can replace accurate weighing and measuring and staying in your calorie range..
You are going to do this! But be careful with your illness..mind the cardio if it gets into your breathing passages..
Take care of yourself..
emoticon emoticon

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MOMOF2TONI 2/19/2011 11:49AM

    Yes, potassium is key for leg cramps - according to my mother-in-law's doctor. I do eat plenty of bananas, but still get leg cramps once in awhile. I keep a bottle of potassium pills and take them for two or three days until the leg cramps go away. I know our bodies are all different and this works for me.

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BYEFATNANNY 2/19/2011 11:45AM

    I've always heard it was potassium. Not from a doctor mind you, that's my 2 cents worth...
It's amazing how fast the weight goes on. Glad it was just water. Keep being aware, you are doing great. Hope you feel better soon.

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LITTLEFARMMOMMA 2/19/2011 11:44AM

    Hey, Leslie! I quit having leg cramps when I did more stretches with my legs after cardio (with Coach Nicole, actually). Lately, I've been so busy, I've let that slip, and back have come the leg cramps... so maybe that is the ticket? emoticon

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HLTHAPPINESS4C 2/19/2011 11:41AM

    Hi Miss Leslie!
I'm so excited that you are going out there to reach for a new goal! I know you will get there. I had an episode of eat whatever is in front of me too....very frustrating. The main thing is we got back up and made some changes! I'm sorry about the leg cramps. Somewhere I read that a low potassium level can cause leg cramps. I believe that it is it if my memory serves correctly. Another thing is are you stretching after your workouts? I know working out and skipping the stretches can cause issues too. Anyhow if they continue to be bothersome I would go to the Dr. and get it checked out. I hope you find relief soon!
emoticon emoticonCynthia

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SASSYBLONDE69 2/19/2011 11:36AM

    Potassium! Eat a couple of bananas or oranges through the day and the leg cramps will disappear!

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REJ7777 2/19/2011 11:28AM

    When my calcium is low, I have awful leg cramps. It clears right up away when I take calcium supplements. Get a high-quality supplement, that includes calcium, magnesium and vitamin D. Note: Calcium Citrate is the best for absorption. Most calcium products on the shelves seem to be calcium carbonate, which are much more difficult to absorb.

Hope that information is useful.


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LIBBYFITZ 2/19/2011 11:20AM

    emoticonYes I have had leg cramps and it is usually after a lot of exercise. I would suggest going to the Spark people health info site and read up on it. i think from memory it is low Pottasium, but don't quote me on that!
emoticonGlad you are back on track with your nutrition. you will get to 140 ville!
emoticon

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NEWKAREN43 2/19/2011 11:20AM

    I have problems with leg cramps, only in my right leg. I'll be checking back often to see what others have to say about your comment that you wonder if you're not getting enough of something. I'm not a sports drink person but if it would help the leg cramps, I could certainly choke one down!

Good luck to you! I've been seeing my scale go up a little then down then up a little and down...keep on keeping on and choose the next right food! emoticon

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