Tuesday, March 01, 2011
It's with a sad heart that I write this blog. My boyfriend and I separated yesterday after having a deep discussion about the love I still hold for Chris and whether I'm truly ready to be in a relationship again. We also talked about the fact that I have totally slacked in my part of the relationship. He has done so much for me but when it comes to what I've done for him, it's slim pickings. When I stopped to think about how much effort I've really put into this relationship, it was pretty sad. I remember buying him a sweet card once, and a pair of slippers. For Christmas I got him this romantic tennis rack and a set of tennis balls. Then there was that really heartfelt gift card to Starbucks I got him for Valentine's day....and, well, other than picking up some dinner or a pack of cigs, that's pretty much it. Here's what he has done for me: at least 4 really heartfelt cards, a handmade card that is the size of a posterboard detailed with handwritten poems, collectible angels, a gift card to iTunes so I could do a happy dance when I finally reached my goal weight, planned romantic evenings that included watching a meteor shower from an air mattress surrounded by candles...fresh fruit with 2 choices of dips (only rule was we couldn't feed ourselves :)...and even a full body massage complete with portable massage table, candles, and relaxing nature noises in the background. Oh and let's not forget the fuzzy heart pajama pants I'm wearing right now. Think he has me beat by a *cough* slight margin.
And while we're at it, let's point out non-material things that he has done for me. He has cleaned around my house more than he has his own. He has driven 30 minutes to see me each and every time he comes over which is around 3 times a week on average, sometimes more. He treats my children as if they're his own and even has come to love them. He actively participates in their lives by attending school functions and helping with the discipline and daily routines established around the house. He's helped in setting some new rules all while openly communicating with me in how WE should do it. He loves my pets and tries to train my dog to break his bad habits around the house. He understands me more than any one person ever has. He picks up on my energy and just knows when there's something going on in my head and can usually figure out what it is without me saying a word. He encourages me to be open and honest here on Spark, to reach out to my friends here and use SP as the healthy outlet that I need in my life. He has helped me become sober and remain sober. He has loved my shortcomings as well as supported my successes. He follows a healthy lifestyle because I do and because it he also sees it's importance. He wants to take on my challenges with me, not just on the sidelines cheering me on. He understands what it's like to lose someone you love with all of your being.
What all did Chris do for me? The one I seem to compare everything the bf does to?? Well, he did buy me some really nice gifts when it came to Christmas or my birthday. He took on the role of being a father to my kids although they weren't his own. Didn't do a whole heck of a lot with them actually. It was just the time factor and the constant involvement in their everyday lives that made them grow to love him. Yes, there was the time he picked them up from school for me. He liked to ride bikes with them and fly kites too. He did love them and vowed to always take care of them if something were to happen to me. But the one big flaw in our relationship was the unhealthy fact that he was an alcoholic and I was an enabler. I could make a whole blog about how wonderful he was but I can also make a whole blog about what it was like to live with an alcoholic. I didn't think our relationship suffered at the time, but in hindsight, I know it did.
How could I be so in love with Chris and question my love for the boyfriend when he CLEARLY has done so much for me...more than Chris ever did? Why can I not love and treat the boyfriend like he truly deserves to be treated? Is there really a madly, deeply, true love feeling or is this just a fairy tale I'm holding on to and am looking for? Am I living the fairy tale and I just don't know it?
Deep thoughts, by Leslie
Friday, February 25, 2011
Dear Best Friend:
You have been there for me through the bad times and the good. When I needed someone, I could always count on you. If I was stressed out, you calmed my fears. If I was happy, you were there to celebrate. If I was lonely, you were there to comfort me. In the depths of my despair, you were there for me every single time. Iíve never been able to rely on anyone as much as I have you. Thereís just something about your companionship and loyalty that is like nothing Iíve ever found before.
But I have come to a point in my life where I donít need you anymore. Iím told all of the time how youíre not good for me, but Iíve chosen to ignore it. Youíve controlled my life for too long now and Iím ashamed that I let you! Iím not going to play the victim anymore. Youíve done nothing but hurt me and stop me from reaching my full potential. Youíve taken away some precious people in my life and on top of all that, you smell! Iíve chosen you over my own health! Well not anymore! Iím moving on with my life and will no longer let you control me! Goodbye cigarettes!
Saturday, February 19, 2011
Well I've officially come down with my first cold of the year. It seems like it's been forever since I've been sick. Come to think of it, I haven't gotten sick since I started this new healthy lifestyle! It was inevitable though, both my kids had this, plus my boyfriend, and now me. Darn cold and flu season! The kids pick up so many germs from school, no matter how many times I tell them to sanitize their hands! Blek!
Something I am excited about is that I'm on track to meet my personal goal I set for February. I decided that I was sick of seeing 150ville and would like to take a peak at what it's like to see the 140's. I was hovering around 152 so I thought this was totally possible. Well, then Mrs. I'll eat whatever you put in front of my face came for a visit and I about kicked myself in the butt when I saw the scale move to 157. It was probably a good thing that I made myself weigh in because once I saw that number I was like, DOH! This has got to stop! I guzzled my water the next couple of days trying to flush all that bad food out and when I stepped on the scale the next time it was back to 154. Phew! 3 lbs were water retention, thank goodness! I thought, I probably just blew my shot of seeing the 140's. Well, this morning the scale smiled at me and said 151.2!! There's a chance afterall!! I've really been watching my sodium, eating clean, and always getting in at least 64 ounces of water. My little spurts of exercise are helping too! Thank goodness the scale is going in the right direction again!!
I just have one problem. My legs are starting to get some bad cramps. I woke up with several charley horses through out the night and my calves are pretty tight this morning. I'm wondering if I'm not getting enough of something. Maybe my electrolytes are low? All I've been drinking is water and I'm starting to think maybe I should start drinking some gatorade or juice, or something. Have any of you had any problems with leg cramps?
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
This is a beautiful poem.....
A drunk man in an Oldsmobile
They said had run the light
That caused the six-car pileup
On 109 that night.
When broken bodies lay about
And blood was everywhere,
The sirens screamed out eulogies,
For death was in the air.
A mother, trapped inside her car,
Was heard above the noise;
Her plaintive plea near split the air:
Oh, God, please spare my boys!
She fought to loose her pinned hands;
She struggled to get free,
But mangled metal held her fast
In grim captivity.
Her frightened eyes then focused
On where the back seat once had been,
But all she saw was broken glass and
Two children's seats crushed in.
Her twins were nowhere to be seen;
She did not hear them cry,
And then she prayed they'd been thrown free,
Oh, God, don't let them die!
Then firemen came and cut her loose,
But when they searched the back,
They found therein no little boys,
But the seat belts were intact.
They thought the woman had gone mad
And was traveling alone,
But when they turned to question her,
They discovered she was gone.
Policemen saw her running wild
And screaming above the noise
In beseeching supplication,
Please help me find my boys!
They're four years old and wear blue shirts;
Their jeans are blue to match.
One cop spoke up, They're in my car,
And they don't have a scratch.
They said their daddy put them there
And gave them each a cone,
Then told them both to wait for Mom
To come and take them home.
I've searched the area high and low,
But I can't find their dad.
He must have fled the scene,
I guess, and that is very bad.
The mother hugged the twins and said,
While wiping at a tear,
He could not flee the scene, you see,
For he's been dead a year.
The cop just looked confused and asked,
Now, how can that be true?
The boys said, Mommy, Daddy came
And left a kiss for you.
He told us not to worry
And that you would be all right,
And then he put us in this car with
The pretty, flashing light.
We wanted him to stay with us,
Because we miss him so,
But Mommy, he just hugged us tight
And said he had to go.
He said someday we'd understand
And told us not to fuss,
And he said to tell you, Mommy,
He's watching over us.
The mother knew without a doubt
That what they spoke was true,
For she recalled their dad's last words,
I will watch over you.
The firemen's notes could not explain
The twisted, mangled car,
And how the three of them escaped
Without a single scar.
But on the cop's report was scribed,
In print so very fine,
An angel walked the beat tonight on Highway 109.
Tuesday, February 15, 2011
I decided to pick up this handbook that I was given in my grief recovery class. It had been a long time since I had read it and I thumbed through it to try and jog my memory a bit. A particular chapter stuck out to me and I flipped right to it. I just had to share what I found. I really identified with this certain chapter and thought that it really pin-pointed how I was feeling. Remember when I said that I felt like I was losing my 'umpf'? Well I think I figured out why! I've paraphrased some of the reading from this point on and am getting my information from "The Grief Recovery Handbook", by John W. James and Russell Friedman.
Almost everyone in our society has some kind of inadequate and inappropriate information they've stored in their mind concerning death and grieving. It's only natural for a griever to seek solace from those around them. However, in a short amount of time it becomes clear to the griever that friends and associates are not of much help. Even though they mean well, they often say things that can seem inappropriate to someone who is dealing with a loss.
--They don't know what to say
--They're afraid of our feelings
--They try to change the subject
--They intellectualize (ex. "He's in a better place." "You'll find somebody else." "God will never give you more than you can handle.")
--They don't hear us
--They don't want to talk about death
--They want us to keep our faith
All of this teaches us to "act recovered." Understanding this aspect of grief is enormously important. A false image of recovery is the most common obstacle all grievers must overcome if they expect to move beyond their loss. "Academy award recovery" is it's name.
The vast majority of comments a griever hears appeal to the intellect, thus discouraging the expression of feelings. Such intellectualizing increases a griever's sense of isolation and creates a feeling of being judged, evaluated, and criticized. In a short amount of time, the griever discovers that he or she must indeed "act recovered" in order to be treated in an acceptable manner. We want the approval of others. We all like praise and compliments. We all want to be seen as strong and mature. We all want to feel like a part of the group. Since approval is such a powerful aspect of our social skills, we try to conform to the ideas suggested to us.
As a direct result of living in the deception of academy award recovery, many people experience a kind of false recovery based on their convincing performance. This can lead to a loss of aliveness and spontaneity. Many people fall into a quiet desperation--sometimes feeling good, sometimes feeling bad, but never being able to return to a state of full happiness and joy.
It's all starting to make sense now....
The end of the chapter told me to please read on and that this was the book for me...so we'll keep you posted! Hopefully reading this through a second time will help!
Please don't think I've felt discouraged by any of your comments in the past!! This isn't what I was referring to! I appreciate each and every one of them and feel honored you take the time to listen. This all pertains more to the comments I have heard in my day to day life.
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