Monday, December 20, 2010
This weekend was...alright. Well, yesterday was great but I was feeling pretty down on Saturday...actually, I've been kinda down for a couple of weeks. The anniversary of his death is approaching and I was trying to keep my spirits up and just let it be ''another day.'' But I realized something...no matter how hard I try, or how much I don't want it to affect me, it is...and it's going to. And THAT'S OK! It is OK to miss him. It's okay not be superwoman and it's okay to feel a little down. It's unfortunate that it has to come the week of Christmas but there's just nothing I can do about it. It is a blessing in disguise in a way, and especially was the year he died. All of the presents and Santa was a great distraction and gave the kids something to be happy about, even in the midst of tragedy. The same rings true this year. The joy Christmas brings to a child is priceless and I'm thankful they have this holiday to focus on instead of the loss they suffered.
Yesterday I brought the children to an assisted living home to pass out Christmas cards. This was my way of honoring their father's memory and paying it forward. It helps make it seem that his life was not in vain and also it makes me feel good. They say there's no better gift than the act of giving and I believe that to be so true.
The residents at the home were so appreciative! We got hugs, I got a kiss on the cheek, and one lady even let us into her secret stash of cookies, lol! A few of them just thanked us, over and over again. It was like they couldn't say it enough. I even saw one ladies eyes well up with tears as she wished us a Merry Christmas. It was an amazing feeling and one that I'm so glad I was able to share with my kids. My daughter was really touched and she did such an awesome job of talking to the residents with me. She stood right by me the whole time and was not shy at all. She's never met a stranger and was very sweet to everybody. Now my boy on the other hand, he's a little ADHD and was more interested in all of the Christmas decorations than handing out cards to people he didn't know. I think he still benefited just as much as my daughter though, because he knew why we were there and observed what we were doing. He knew what was going on and absorbed it in his own way.
My daughter loved this act of paying it forward so much that she not only wants to make it a yearly tradition, but a monthly one! She thought it was so neat that we were doing this and didn't want to leave when we were finished. We agreed to do something like this every couple of months, maybe on every little holiday like Valentines and Easter. I think I've started something great here....and that makes my heart smile!
So in a couple of days is that dreaded, awful, nasty date of his death. I'm not going to pretend that I'm superwoman and won't feel a thing. It's going to hurt, it's going to sting, and basically, it's going to suck! Writing the date out on my forms here at work, even today, makes my stomach turn every time. It's so close and I know when Wednesday rolls around, I'm going to feel that churning in my stomach even more. I'm even thinking of pre-filling my forms with the date tomorrow, so that I don't have to write it and feel that feeling in my stomach. I'm nervous, I'm a little depressed, and I'm just plain missing him. But remember what I said? That's OKAY! I'm entitled to feel this way! So please, if I haven't seemed like myself I apologize. And if I don't seem like myself the next few days, that'd be why. No need to worry about me though...I have a guardian angel that's going to make sure I make it through this and that EVERYTHING WILL BE OKAY!
Thursday, December 16, 2010
Well, itís that time of year again where thereís treats and goodies every which way you turn. Thereís holiday parties to attend, traditional cookies and candy to make, tins of popcorn to gift, and work-place potlucks galore. How do you handle temptation after temptation? How are we expected to NOT gain weight when we have all of these treats at our disposal?
I thought I had it all planned out. I would bring my snacks and have my tummy full of the healthy stuff so Iím not even tempted at that plate of cookies this kind customer just brought in for our staff. Then came the box of chocolates. Then the TWO tins of popcornÖ.the loaf of banana bread, the bag of truffles, the mint chocolate cookies, the oh so tasty cheese ballÖOh crap, homemade fudge!?!?! Make it STOP!!!
Then I caved. I found myself indulging in a little bit of this and a little bit of that. At the end of the day I might as well have written ĎíFAILUREíí across my forehead because thatís what I completely felt like. What happened to my plan? What happened to the Sparker who was determined to NOT gain over the holidays? My inner self had a conversation that went a little something like thisÖ.
Self, why did you go straight for that box of chocolates? Donít you know that that is your weakness and you quickly failed by succumbing to it?
Hey now! I havenít had a chocolate from Russell Stoverís since last year at this time! I never get chocolates as a gift and I think that this one time will be okay. PLUS, I only had Ĺ of the two pieces I took.
TWO pieces? Where is your control??
ButÖbutÖI only NIBBLED them! AND I threw them out because they werenít my favorite kind and I wasnít going to waste the calories on something that I didnít thoroughly enjoy! Last year I wouldíve eaten them all plus Iíd have gone back for more until I DID find my favorite kind. So take that!
So what about the cookie? It had icing on it that you KNOW is loaded with unneeded calories. Why would you have chosen that kind of cookie?
Because I made the smart decision to look at my choices and see which one would really be WORTH those calories! Last year at this time I would have tried them ALL! There wouldíve been no choosing, just plain pigging out!
Okay, you are obviously forgetting about the cheese ball you oinked out on! Donít you know how bad that cream cheese is for you? Youíre such a fatty and are going to gain all of this weight back!
*Sniff* NO Iím not!! The fact that Iím aware of EVERYTHING I put into my mouth is a success in itself! The old me wouldíve gone to town on this food! I wouldnít even have packed a breakfast and considered this junk my breakfast! Then, I wouldíve gone back for seconds as soon as I got back from lunch, and then maybe more before I left for the day. Heck, who am I kidding, I wouldíve grazed over that food like it was my personal buffet! I would not have given second thought to serving sizes or the caloric count, just to which cookie I wouldíve eaten first! Now itís WHICH cookie am I going to eat! PLUS, I ended up throwing away a chocolate I didnít like. The old me wouldíve never done that! Throw away a decadent piece of heaven that the starving kid in Africa is missing out on? No way! YESSS way! I did that! I am NOT going back to being overweight and miserable. AND, I know that even if I do gain a few pounds over the holidays, I have the tools and support of SparkPeople to lose it again! All of this IS a SUCCESS and donít you think for a second that itís not!!!
And with that, the inner voice of reason won again!
Friday, December 10, 2010
Being held accountable is very important in this journey. Iíve always been thankful to Spark and to my friends for providing this to me. What I didnít realize though was how much it really impacted my day-to-day decision-making, or most importantly, my attitude when things just arenít going my way.
After I got home Wednesday from driving around aimlessly for two hours I started asking myself why I had wasted this time and gas money. I couldíve come home and vegged out, taken a nap, played on the computer and wasted the day away with mindless farmland games or facebook chatting.
But I didnít.
Why? Because I didnít want to report back to everyone that I just came home and crawled into bed thinking woe is me, why does life suck so bad. [Though the urge was something fierce!]
I didnít want to have to tell everyone that I ordered a large pizza, baked cookies, and had a big ice cream sundae before bed. [Though thatís what my mind kept telling me!]
After all, Iím a motivator. People read my blogs because they care but ALSO because they are looking to be inspired. I have an example to set and will NOT be perceived as weak. [Though I know all you would have said was ďBig deal, tomorrow is a new day.Ē]
I have so many friends that are working their BUTTS OFF to be productive, become healthy, and be who they set out to be. There are thousands of people in this community that work HARD every single day and who am I to let this one little thing get me down. After all, I AM a warrior, you know?!
I thought about all of this almost subconsciously. It was like my mind kept saying, turn this into a positive, do NOT let it ruin your productivity for the day. DO NOT let life knock you down. You ARE strong, and you will NOT see this as an excuse to binge on thousands of calories and sob your eyes out.
And THATíS what I did! I ended up even being MORE productive than normal. I took those lemons and THREW THEM right back in their face! Take THAT as an input error! Iíll show YOU who is in charge here! I ate healthy, stayed in my limits AND ended up producing 50 Christmas cards to give to nursing home residents. THATíS what IíM talking about! BOOYAH!
I signed this creed, took the oath and by God, I WILL NOT break it! I AM WARRIOR, HEAR ME RAAAWWWRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!
The Warrior Creed:
I am a powerful Warrior.
I can weather any storm.
I am fierce; I am fabulous; I am unstoppable.
My tenacity comes in many forms.
I here and now commit to myself,
To embrace sheer courage and strength,
And vow to pursue wellbeing and health,
And to reach new heights and great lengths.
I shall pick myself up with determination and grace,
Each and every time that I fall,
I will give of myself and lift up my friends,
And will extend a helping hand to all.
I will start each new day,
With inspiration in my heart, as I look to the horizon-nestled treasure,
For am I am a Warrior; I am a spark;
Yes, I am powerful beyond measure!
~ AHealthierMe9 ~
Wednesday, December 08, 2010
Immediately after I got off of work I went to CVS to try and get to the bottom of it. Apparently it was an input error and the prescription wasn't intended to be filled for Chris. The pharmacist felt really bad and before I had even gotten there she had contacted CVS headquarters and gotten his name deleted from their system. I told her I appreciated that. There was no need to get angry at her, it was just a misfortunate incident that hopefully will not happen again.
Luckily I had a 1/2 day of work and was able to get out of there and get some me time. I had intended on getting some Christmas shopping done but I wasn't in the mood anymore. I drove around meaning to stop at certain stores but just ended up driving right by them. I didn't feel like doing anything I had planned and found myself in a daze. After a couple of hours of driving and just a couple stops, I decided to go home and pick the kids up from day care right after they got out of school. I needed to be with my babies and see their smiling faces.
While I had been driving around I had been doing some thinking. I had let myself have a good cry and had been thinking about how a friend had told me her tip for the holidays. She said to take one day, not on the holiday, say the day after or before, and make that the day you are mourning, depressed, pissed at the world, what have you...and save the holiday to enjoy. This is easier said than done but is an excellent thought. This lead me to thinking that today just may be a good day for that. Then...my mind started thinking about my pay it forward plan to honor his memory. This year I'd like to visit a nursing home and take time to visit with the residents. Then, ephiphany! They'd love it if I had my kids with me and what if we brought homemade Christmas cards for them?! YEAH!
So I gathered the kids and went to Target, bought a ton of stickers, new markers and colored pencils, and some plain cards to decorate. The kids have been working hard and are so excited about delivering them to the residents. This family time has been great for me as well.
The comments on my last blog are so genuinely warm-hearted and incredibly helpful. I've been meaning to tell you guys what I'm going through but modest me has not done so. I guess it took an emotional charge for me to let it out. I'm glad I did though. Now you know, and now I have a blog that I can go back to whenever I'm feeling down this holiday season and I'll surely find some comfort. I'm very touched by the responses and have been proven again what dear friends I have found here on Spark. I'm truly blessed to have you guys in my life.
Well, I'm going to head to bed early. It's been a very emotionally draining day. Tomorrow when I'm feeling better I will get caught up on my blogs and in thanking each one of you personally for your concern and prayers. I love you all and am very grateful I can count on you in these times of need. It means alot.
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