Tuesday, August 31, 2010
For those of you who have followed my blogs you have probably noticed that I mainly have cute, light-hearted, rather vague blogs. I haven't talked a whole lot about personal issues and mainly just about weight loss and my trials and tribulations associated with that. Here and there I let a little part of my troubles and grief out, but for the most part I've wanted to be positive and motivating. Who wants to hear my story or woes over, and over, and over again. Maybe I didn't want to sound as depressed as I really was or as emotionally unstable as I am. Maybe I didn't want to pressure anybody into thinking they need to comment to make me feel better. Maybe I thought that if I didn't confront my problems then they'd go away...or at least fade away and not hurt as bad. Or maybe it was a combination of all of these. Well you know what? Not any more! The out pouring of support that I had on my last blog, (and am STILL receiving), has reassured me that I CAN talk about it. I DO feel better afterwards and what do you know, it's HEALING!
I want to focus more on my emotional needs now that I have my self confidence back. My weight loss has been hugely successful, more so than I could've imagined when I joined Spark. I set my goal high. 150lbs has always been that goal weight that I set with each diet yet never achieved. I thought what the heck, I'll set that as my goal again, not ever imagining that I could actually reach it. Well I am so close I can almost taste it! 3-4 more lbs to go. I've totally surpassed even my own expectations and it has done wonders for my self esteem. I AM going to reach my goal this time and am confident in that. I think it's time though to turn my focus from weight loss to other things that I need to work on. Don't get me wrong, when I reach my goal I will holler a big WOO HOO because I won't be able to contain myself, lol, but my drive is going to start taking another route. I need to process through the emotions that I've tried so hard to bury and to numb. My blogs are going to be more revealing into what makes me tick, what goes on in my world...with no blinders. The truth. Because as much as I want to be that perfect, outgoing and untroubled Sparker, I'm not. I have my demons and I need to be honest about them not only to you, but myself.
So here's to a new chapter in my life! I hope you'll continue reading....
Monday, August 23, 2010
Well my kid made it a whole 4 days in Kindergarten before I got a call from the principal. He had pushed another child but responded well to the discipline and was able to talk about his behavior and how he was expected to act. That part was good, especially since he has been unwilling to talk about his feelings with authority in the past. I have a feeling this is going to be a long 13 years! LOL I think he was testing his new waters and I'm crossing my fingers that his visit to the principal's office showed him where his boundaries were and that school is different!
I also worry that his anger issues stem from his father's death. He has not openly expressed his sorrow besides for a couple of times, and those were just recently. He talks about Daddy a lot but has always so positive and brings him up in general conversation with a smile on his face, remembering good memories or suggesting how happy he is in heaven. A ball is thrown high and he remarks, "That was to Daddy." Or thunder rumbles and he tells Daddy to keep it down up there! lol Always so cute. I think my favorite was one day when it was raining. Out of the blue he exclaims, "Daddy's peeing on us!" HAHAHA Still makes me laugh when I think about it!
My daughter seems to be doing well. She has been much more receptive to counselors and has expressed her emotions throughout this entire process. LOTS of tears, lots of nights spent in bed with mommy. But she was been such a warrior. She is so strong and so intelligent beyond her years. She just told me tonight, (while we were reading her journal she made w/ a grief counselor), how she wasn't scared of death because then she will be able to see Daddy! I've never seen such strength, and for it to come from a 7 year old, well let's just say that she is my hero! I draw from her strength and she draws from mine. When hers is low, I raise it, and she does the same for me. As I cried during the last page of her journal tonight, she rubbed me on the back and said, "You remember the time Daddy stuck toilet paper up his noise while changing Kyler's diaper?" *giggle* We both laughed..,what a great memory. Probably her favorite one and it always makes us smile. We laughed, hugged, then I tucked her into bed and she went to sleep with a smile on her face. She is my warrior. What more do I need to motivate myself to be the healthiest, strongest, most compassionate mother I can be.
Their daddy left us with many great memories. I'm blessed to even have a book of poetry that he wrote. He was so very talented, and if you don't mind, I'd like to share one of the poems that he wrote me. I believe it was written only months before his death.
"When I die, I'll engrave your name on the Golden Stairs just to let the angels see how Much I care.
I would give an angel my love in the form of a kiss...to take it to earth and place it upon Your lips.
If you are not here by judgment day, I'll know you've gone the other way.
I would give the angels back their wings, their golden harps, and all those things.
And just to prove my love is true, I'll even go to hell for you.
For you my dear that I so truly miss."
~Christopher Douglas Cash
4-25-70 / 12-22-08
I think he knew his time was soon. How? I don't know. There's so many questions I have left unanswered. So much blame that I try not to place on myself. So much hurt that I don't know how to heal. But I'm trying, learning, and growing stronger each day. I still have bad days but they don't come as often. Each night symbolizes another day that I've made it through this journey. Another day that I have survived my grief. Another chance to make tomorrow better.
We don't get a second chance at life. The time is now to fulfill your dreams, to better yourself, to love the ones who are the most important in your life. Appreciate your blessings, before it's too late!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A - Available or married? - These are the only 2 choices?! lol Available then
B- Book? -Bible
C- Cake or Pie - Cake!
D- Drink of Choice? – Lemonade
- Essential Item? - Computer
F- Favorite Color? -Baby Blue
G- Game to play or watch? - Play-Volleyball Watch-Football
H- Hometown? – Kansas City, MO
I- Indulgence? – Ice Cream
J- Job? – Personal Banker
K- Kids and names? Kaitlyn 7 Kyler 5
L- Life is incomplete without? - Love
M- Music group or singer? – Justin Bieber (LOL JK!) 5FDP, Shinedown, Eminem
N- Number of siblings? - 1 sister, 44 years old
O- Oranges or apples? - Apple w/ peanut butter! yumm
P- Phobias/Fears? – Germs, but I'm not OCD or anything lol
Q- Favorite Quote? – "Life isn't about waiting on the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." unknown
R- Reason to Smile? - My children!
S- Season? - Fall
T- Tattoos? –1 on the top of my foot
U- Unknown fact about me? – I have permanent makeup (my eyeliner is basically a tattoo)
V- Vegetable you love? –Corn on the cob (which hardly qualifies as a veggie!)
W- Worst habit? –smoking
X- X-Rays you've had? – chest, arm, abdomen
Y- Your favorite food? - Chinese food or pizza
Z- Zodiac? –Capricorn
Ok, back to work, ugh!!
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