Thursday, September 09, 2010
I'm excited on many different levels...hence the reason I'm blogging again! I love being able to share my joys with my fellow Spark Friends. After all, it's been YOUR support and encouragement that has gotten me this far and I'm forever grateful for ALL that you've done for me!
Last night I attended a church meeting so that I can become a member! I've been a member at my home town church but have been attending a nearby one as a guest for the past couple of years. I love how welcoming they are and feel God has lead me there. There's actually a really cool story behind it and I'm wondering why I haven't ever shared it with you before!!
It was 2008 when they started building this church. It was right down the road from our house so the convenience of the locality was one big plus. As the walls went up we watched it progress into a beautiful building, just gorgeous! It was huge! They posted a sign that announced the opening Sunday and welcomed guests to join. It had been a while since I had attended church, maybe a few months, and I was wanting to start attending regularly. My boyfriend hadn't attended church in 25 YEARS! You see, he was raised in a Catholic family and went to a Catholic school through out his childhood. He said that religion had been shoved down his throat his whole life and after he was a teenager he got sick of it and stopped attending. So when that first Sunday came along and the new church opened it's doors, I was anxious to go! The BF wasn't as enthused and said that'd he'd just stay home this time. I took the kids and went, enjoying the service thoroughly! So much so that I told BF all about it and how awesome it was. Next Sunday he decided to join me! And guess what?! He enjoyed it too! He saw some friends he knew and was flattered by how welcoming everybody was. The next week we attended again...and BF asked for forgiveness of all of his sins! Praise the Lord! The very next day was when he passed away.
This man had not attended church in TWENTY FIVE years. Had he not gone and asked for forgiveness I would not have the peace of knowing that he is in Heaven. God is amazing, isn't He?! It was not by accident that we walked through those church doors that Sunday. God lead us there and I am SO THANKFUL that He did!
I'm overjoyed at this opportunity to become a member! I feel I'm on the right path and that life is unfolding just as God had planned for me. My life may not have turned out as I expected but I know I am EXACTLY where God intended on me to be!
Thursday, September 09, 2010
Great things are going on in my life, I've just gotta share! You see, I've been working a job that, well for a lack of better terms, SUCKS! I do love the people and the benefits, but I'm not using my college education at all! This job was just supposed to be temporary until I found THE job and here I am 5 years later in the same position and practically the same pay. My dads been pushing me to find another job, something that pays better and where there's actually chance for advancement. I thought I was on the right path a couple years ago when I enrolled in stenography school. Things were going great until life got in the way. I pushed through the first 6 months after his death, amazing fellow students and even the teacher. I knew Chris was proud of where I was going and I wanted nothing more than to make him proud. Then, I started thinking about mortality...a lot. I mean, that's kinda what happens when sudden death is thrown in your face. I was spending so much time studying and in class that I was missing time that could be spent with my children. Maybe it even had to do with the fact that I was studying the last night before he died and missed my last opportunity to spend time with him. Anyhow, I quit. It was more than I could handle. Auto pilot was turning off and my depression was hitting me full force. So again there I was, back to the drawing board on what I wanted to do.
Then there was an epiphany last night...an A-HA moment!. I had been talking to a new friend. I met her through an online widow forum and gave her my number in case she ever needed to talk. Last night she texted me out of the blue so it was obvious that she was needing to talk. I stayed up for hours, relating to her, listening, and trying to offer subtle advice here and there. At the end of our conversation she was feeling better and surprisingly so was I! The emotional release that I got from helping her was such an adrenaline rush. Chills went up and down my arms as I realized that I may have just found my calling. I want to be a grief counselor!!!! My degree is in psychology and with my personal experience and my need to help others, how fitting is this?! Maybe I can even start up a grief support group in my church !!!!!!!! FINALLY...a decision has been made. I'm freakin 31 and I know what I wanna be when I grow up! WOO HOO! LOL =))
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
For those of you who have followed my blogs you have probably noticed that I mainly have cute, light-hearted, rather vague blogs. I haven't talked a whole lot about personal issues and mainly just about weight loss and my trials and tribulations associated with that. Here and there I let a little part of my troubles and grief out, but for the most part I've wanted to be positive and motivating. Who wants to hear my story or woes over, and over, and over again. Maybe I didn't want to sound as depressed as I really was or as emotionally unstable as I am. Maybe I didn't want to pressure anybody into thinking they need to comment to make me feel better. Maybe I thought that if I didn't confront my problems then they'd go away...or at least fade away and not hurt as bad. Or maybe it was a combination of all of these. Well you know what? Not any more! The out pouring of support that I had on my last blog, (and am STILL receiving), has reassured me that I CAN talk about it. I DO feel better afterwards and what do you know, it's HEALING!
I want to focus more on my emotional needs now that I have my self confidence back. My weight loss has been hugely successful, more so than I could've imagined when I joined Spark. I set my goal high. 150lbs has always been that goal weight that I set with each diet yet never achieved. I thought what the heck, I'll set that as my goal again, not ever imagining that I could actually reach it. Well I am so close I can almost taste it! 3-4 more lbs to go. I've totally surpassed even my own expectations and it has done wonders for my self esteem. I AM going to reach my goal this time and am confident in that. I think it's time though to turn my focus from weight loss to other things that I need to work on. Don't get me wrong, when I reach my goal I will holler a big WOO HOO because I won't be able to contain myself, lol, but my drive is going to start taking another route. I need to process through the emotions that I've tried so hard to bury and to numb. My blogs are going to be more revealing into what makes me tick, what goes on in my world...with no blinders. The truth. Because as much as I want to be that perfect, outgoing and untroubled Sparker, I'm not. I have my demons and I need to be honest about them not only to you, but myself.
So here's to a new chapter in my life! I hope you'll continue reading....
Monday, August 23, 2010
Well my kid made it a whole 4 days in Kindergarten before I got a call from the principal. He had pushed another child but responded well to the discipline and was able to talk about his behavior and how he was expected to act. That part was good, especially since he has been unwilling to talk about his feelings with authority in the past. I have a feeling this is going to be a long 13 years! LOL I think he was testing his new waters and I'm crossing my fingers that his visit to the principal's office showed him where his boundaries were and that school is different!
I also worry that his anger issues stem from his father's death. He has not openly expressed his sorrow besides for a couple of times, and those were just recently. He talks about Daddy a lot but has always so positive and brings him up in general conversation with a smile on his face, remembering good memories or suggesting how happy he is in heaven. A ball is thrown high and he remarks, "That was to Daddy." Or thunder rumbles and he tells Daddy to keep it down up there! lol Always so cute. I think my favorite was one day when it was raining. Out of the blue he exclaims, "Daddy's peeing on us!" HAHAHA Still makes me laugh when I think about it!
My daughter seems to be doing well. She has been much more receptive to counselors and has expressed her emotions throughout this entire process. LOTS of tears, lots of nights spent in bed with mommy. But she was been such a warrior. She is so strong and so intelligent beyond her years. She just told me tonight, (while we were reading her journal she made w/ a grief counselor), how she wasn't scared of death because then she will be able to see Daddy! I've never seen such strength, and for it to come from a 7 year old, well let's just say that she is my hero! I draw from her strength and she draws from mine. When hers is low, I raise it, and she does the same for me. As I cried during the last page of her journal tonight, she rubbed me on the back and said, "You remember the time Daddy stuck toilet paper up his noise while changing Kyler's diaper?" *giggle* We both laughed..,what a great memory. Probably her favorite one and it always makes us smile. We laughed, hugged, then I tucked her into bed and she went to sleep with a smile on her face. She is my warrior. What more do I need to motivate myself to be the healthiest, strongest, most compassionate mother I can be.
Their daddy left us with many great memories. I'm blessed to even have a book of poetry that he wrote. He was so very talented, and if you don't mind, I'd like to share one of the poems that he wrote me. I believe it was written only months before his death.
"When I die, I'll engrave your name on the Golden Stairs just to let the angels see how Much I care.
I would give an angel my love in the form of a kiss...to take it to earth and place it upon Your lips.
If you are not here by judgment day, I'll know you've gone the other way.
I would give the angels back their wings, their golden harps, and all those things.
And just to prove my love is true, I'll even go to hell for you.
For you my dear that I so truly miss."
~Christopher Douglas Cash
4-25-70 / 12-22-08
I think he knew his time was soon. How? I don't know. There's so many questions I have left unanswered. So much blame that I try not to place on myself. So much hurt that I don't know how to heal. But I'm trying, learning, and growing stronger each day. I still have bad days but they don't come as often. Each night symbolizes another day that I've made it through this journey. Another day that I have survived my grief. Another chance to make tomorrow better.
We don't get a second chance at life. The time is now to fulfill your dreams, to better yourself, to love the ones who are the most important in your life. Appreciate your blessings, before it's too late!
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