Wednesday, August 18, 2010
A - Available or married? - These are the only 2 choices?! lol Available then
B- Book? -Bible
C- Cake or Pie - Cake!
D- Drink of Choice? – Lemonade
- Essential Item? - Computer
F- Favorite Color? -Baby Blue
G- Game to play or watch? - Play-Volleyball Watch-Football
H- Hometown? – Kansas City, MO
I- Indulgence? – Ice Cream
J- Job? – Personal Banker
K- Kids and names? Kaitlyn 7 Kyler 5
L- Life is incomplete without? - Love
M- Music group or singer? – Justin Bieber (LOL JK!) 5FDP, Shinedown, Eminem
N- Number of siblings? - 1 sister, 44 years old
O- Oranges or apples? - Apple w/ peanut butter! yumm
P- Phobias/Fears? – Germs, but I'm not OCD or anything lol
Q- Favorite Quote? – "Life isn't about waiting on the storm to pass, it's about learning to dance in the rain." unknown
R- Reason to Smile? - My children!
S- Season? - Fall
T- Tattoos? –1 on the top of my foot
U- Unknown fact about me? – I have permanent makeup (my eyeliner is basically a tattoo)
V- Vegetable you love? –Corn on the cob (which hardly qualifies as a veggie!)
W- Worst habit? –smoking
X- X-Rays you've had? – chest, arm, abdomen
Y- Your favorite food? - Chinese food or pizza
Z- Zodiac? –Capricorn
Ok, back to work, ugh!!
Friday, August 13, 2010
Well it's been quite a ride this week! Monday went well but Tuesday was completely stressful. See, there was this grief support group that met Tuesday night that I had been debating on going to. When Tuesday arrived I decided I'd go. It was the same recovery group that I attended over a year ago and I thought, no harm in trying it again, maybe this time I'll connect with some people. It seemed I really benefited from the first time I attended and thought, well here's a chance to connect with some people who've gone through similar tragedy and maybe I can even help them since it seems I've done so well with MY recovery.
The more I thought about it, the more I debated. I started off the day confident in my decision, then it started to dwindle, especially after I searched my house for the book that I needed to bring for the class. No luck, couldn't find it. ARG! "Oh well, I could still go and just find the book before the next class," I thought. I also was seeing this as a good opportunity to move forward in getting the "help" my sister has encouraged me to get. I felt pretty proud actually!
My anxiety started to rise through out the day, something just wasn't settling well with me. Was this class really what I needed? Am I really going to benefit from something that I've already learned? Is there something else that I could do that would be more beneficial? I was torn. It wasn't until about 15 minutes before class time and even driving half way there before I decided that I wasn't going to go. I finally decided that yes, I would benefit from going but I'd benefit MORE if I worked with new strategies and techniques, not one's I'd already learned. My car veered towards the library and I checked out some interesting self help books that I'm excited to read. I AM going to get the help, but I'm going to do it for ME and the way I feel is going to be the best.
This decision was also made after I was doing some research on the net. What I found was this. "As long as your grief is moving, changing and "fluid", it is okay. As long as your emotions are constantly changing, and you're exhausted at the end of the day, you're on track."
"It's only when grief stagnates, traps you in an unchanging phase or cycle, that grief has gone wrong. You will probably need a therapist for chronic grief that is excessive and prevents you from functioning, and fails to resolve. You will feel "unfinished", and know that you need help to complete your grief." - www.recover-from-grief.com
I felt good in my decision but boy did I stress myself out emotionally. Before I had come to this conclusion of not going I had completely broken down, crying harder than I have in months. I felt I was finally doing something to make my family happy and felt excited about this at first. The emotional turmoil that followed showed me that I was conflicted and that this was not something I was doing for me, it was something I was doing for HER, (my sister). My sense of relaxation and contentment after I decided not to go told me that I was doing the right thing. I'm the ONLY one who knows what's BEST for ME. In the end, that's all that matters!!
Whew, glad I could get that off my chest. I know some of you have wondered what is going on in this little head of mine, ha ha...
So I've saved the best for last to see if you guys were paying any attention, LOL, jk ;) I've found a great support system...someone who I can talk to about ANYTHING, and we've totally bonded the last couple of weeks. His name is Ray and he has gone through a similar loss and we relate on so many levels. He is trying to do everything he can to help, even if it is just a shoulder to cry on. I'm finding much comfort through him and I'm excited to see where this goes. We enjoyed an AMAZINGLY romantic night last night. Ray surprised me with an air mattress set up with candles surrounding it right there on my back patio. We gazed up at the meteor shower and enjoyed each others company. It was amazing!!
Wednesday, August 11, 2010
The following is a poem by Linda Ellis © 1998. Consider the implications for your own life's choices
I read of a man who stood to speak at the funeral of a friend
He referred to the dates on her tombstone from the beginning to the end.
He noted that first came the date of her birth and spoke of the following date with tears,
But he said what mattered most of all was the dash between those years.
For that dash represents all the time that she spent alive on earth...
And now only those who loved her know what that little line is worth.
For it matters not, how much we own; the cars .... the house... the cash.
What matters is how we live and love and how we spend our dash.
So think about this long and hard ... are there things you'd like to change?
For you never know how much time is left. (You could be at "dash mid-range")
If we could just slow down enough to consider what's true and real,
And always try to understand the way other people feel.
And be less quick to anger, and show appreciation more,
And love the people in our lives like we've never loved before.
If we treat each other with respect and more often wear a smile...
Remembering that this special dash might only last a little while.
So, when your eulogy's being read with your life's actions to rehash...
Would you be proud of the things they say about how you spend your dash??
Chris just loved this poem. He was anxious to share it with me and his mother the day he discovered it. He thought it was "so cool" and made sure to make copies for us. We read it at his burial and also put it on the pamphlets from the funeral. (Actually the pastor read it and I read another poem written by Chris himself. How I had the strength to do this is beyond me!) Just remember that tomorrow is never promised. Live for today, live it to the fullest, and be thankful for all of the blessings in your life. Smile more than needed, laugh like you've never laughed before, and ALWAYS...dance like no one's watching!
“Yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, today is the present. That’s why they call it a gift.”
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