Wednesday, February 17, 2010
This last year has been a roller coaster of emotions. It has been the most challenging year of my life. See, I was with this wonderful man for the best 3 years of my life. He was everything I ever hoped and dreamed for in a man, and more! We complimented eachother so well, like two peas in a pod. He loved me so much, and I loved him with all of my being. I was a single mother when I met him, and he even took in my kids as his own. They started calling him daddy, fore he was the only father they had ever known. (I left the real father 9 months pregnant and my daughter was just 1, they have no memory of him which is probably a good thing) Anyways, my boyfriend was my second half, my rock, my love. He was supposed to propose to me on Christmas morning of 2008 but three days before he had a sudden heart attack and was suddenly ripped from my life. All of my hopes and dreams have gone out the door and here I am...back to struggling as a single mother with an empty hole in my heart.
I've struggled with how to describe him to others, like do I call him my fiance since I was so close to being that? If I just say he was my boyfriend, which he was, people don't seem to "get" the depth of our love and the strength of our relationship. To me he felt like my husband. At the funeral and in the obituary his family referred to me as his wife, because that's more what I felt like. I believe that a marriage is between two hearts and I don't need a piece of paper to prove love. He would've claimed me as his wife, and we were going to spend the rest of our lives together. He was my soul mate.
It has now been over 13 months since he passed and I am still on this roller coaster. I feel like time is finally helping but at any given moment this ride can take a fast turn or a send me on a downhill curve quick.
At the beginning of this year I knew I needed to make a change. My depression had been spiraling out of control and I knew I needed help of some kind. I went to the doctor, got prescribed a new antidepressant, and found Spark People. Things have been lookin up! I've started feeling more energized and healthier than I have in years. But I've come to see that this struggle has not come to an end quite yet. Holidays and anniversaries are very difficult, and it seems like my tendency to find comfort in eating is a lot harder to overcome than I thought. Food has always been there for me and has given me something to look forward to when it seems I have nothing else that does.
I know I need to address the depression as the underlying source but it has proved to be more difficult than I ever imagined. Please pray for me, I need guidance and support to pull myself out of this rut. My depression is damaging my health and even worse, the happiness of my children. Any advice is sure welcome.