Saturday, March 06, 2010
I'm not seeing in these pics what I see in the mirror for sure...
I'm a bit discouraged since my scale keeps climbing up a bit the last two weeks. Small amounts, I'm up about 3 lbs. total.
My waist measurement is the same. Navel and lower tummy are down a bit (inch, inch and half), calves are up an inch, biceps up .5, thighs stable. I'm seeing HUGE changes in my legs that these pics don't show at all. Striation in my calves and quads. It's insane! I've got crazy muscle definition going on in my legs. I should try to get better pics of JUST the legs 'cause they are my best indicator of how much muscle I'm building.
I'm proud of how my back and upper arms/shoulders are looking, too. I am seeing more definition in my abs and I can FEEL the six pack under my flub. LOL. The center line is getting more defined and I'm seeing some definition in my lower abs, too (groin area - where it'd be somewhat obscene to post pics).
So... I'm a bit disappointed in the pics but maybe less nitpicky eyes will see clearer. A gal can dream, right? Ha.
My SO is having just awesome results so it's sort of a matter of compare and despair - even though he's a dude and men lose weight so much easier, it seems. Grumble grumble.
Anyway, have some pics!
I'm heading into week 7 on Sunday. It can only get better from here, right?
Also, I run my first ten miler in a week! I'm just going going going...
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
I couldn't have picked a better time to start P90X.
As my last blog showed I was rock bottom bad, super dire. I'd let healthy concern swing over into unhealthy obsessive bad stuff.
P90X changed that.
I'm currently in the middle of week three (omigawsh, recovery week sounds good!) and Aaron and I have done the workouts as a team. The combination of us being so determined and dependable about doing this together (and supporting/encouraging each other!) and the pride and strength I feel has turned my whole mood and mindset around. I find myself focusing not so much on how my body looks but rather on what it DOES. I feel strong and fit and am determined to finish this program and be in the best shape of my life - just in time for it to warm up enought that I can start road running again!
I got so focused on that scale number. So hung up on controlling every calorie and bite. So worried about eating over my BMR (even though I really am at a fine weight) that it started getting to be too much. I needed to pick another place to put my energy - especially since I had a mild running owwie and couldn't focus on the mileage increases that make me feel so good.
Since starting the program I'm already making progress in ALL areas. My pushup and pullups have improved, I've increased my weights, I can jump higher and longer, kick higher ... I'm noticing new muscles popping out and seeing some tummy fat leaving. My arms and legs and core are rock hard and strong. My bootie is finally toning up! I'm looking forward to my run tonight because I can't help but think that I'll see some improvement in my endurance and form.
With this focus on performance and function rather than form has come some food sanity. I'm eating more in general and more protein in particular. I'm eating cleaner and less sweets. I'm ridiculously hooked on young coconut "shakes", medjool dates and banana "ice cream". I have one fantastic, gourmet raw meal a week. Instead of eating out a lot we've been holding out for a once a week treat at the pricy raw, vegan, organic restaurant. Mmmmm.
I'm seeing food more as fuel rather than calories and goodies. Oh, I still LOVE food and I eat tasty, tasty delicious stuff(!) but I'm thinking more broadly about what my body needs. Eating more nuts/nut butters/seeds. Making sure I have protein with each meal and trying to get it in each snack. I'm eating 7-9 times a day and keeping the fires burning as I build muscle.
I feel pretty fantastic!
I plan on posting 30 day results, 60 and 90 on my blog.
I'm hoping that I'll see what I'm feeling in the pics! If not, I'll just keep hitting play because it feels so good to BRING IT. :)
Sunday, January 24, 2010
So, I completely LOATHE myself right now. Like, angry to the point of wanting to punch myself for being such a stupid, lazy, fat jerk.
I was afraid to weigh in this week because it would be my first since Jamaica. I didn't do TOO badly in Jamaica, I ate reasonably healthy foods but, since I wasn't in control of the cooking, I ate too much oil. All the veggies were just coated in oil! And, I ate too much. I may have been okay on food, since I ate three big meals instead of three small ones and multiple snacks all day. Who knows. The booze was a problem, though. I was very moderate - I usually only had 1-4 drinks a day, which is well below the average for folks at an all-inclusive! - but it was empty calories I totally didn't need.
I was pre-TOM while I was there and spent much of my time feeling awful about myself. Guilty about the food and booze. Self critical. Self hating, even. I probably had not nearly a good a time as I ought to have because I spent so much of it just actively worrying about my weight and hating myself for not being perfect. And it hasn't stopped since I've gotten back.
This past week I exercised as much as usual - though no running since I tweaked my achilles tendon and it's got to heal - and I ate for deficits. Around 1500-1600 instead of the 1770 - 2100 that I usually eat to maintain. Annnnnnddddd... the stupid scale says I'm up 2.5 pounds to 130. I'm furious with myself. Just... furious. Irrationally angry with my stupid lazy self and my lack of control in Jamaica. I'm not sure if I just gained like 4 pounds while I was there and I've actually managed to lose a bit this week or if I just am lame currently.
I feel like the only one who gained on that trip and it makes me feel even more like a total failure. I shouldn't have drank any booze. It's just empty calories and I didn't need it! I should have followed Heather's lead and done small plates. I should have eaten raw fruit and greens and nothing else, to avoid all that oil. There are so many things I could have done that wouldn't have ended up with me gaining and feeling awful.
I'm fighting some seriously disordered thoughts right now and that's hard.
I'm thinking things like "well, you're starting P90x this week... if you eat even less and do that you should have big deficits and get back to 127ish soon!" I'm thinking about eating the bare minimum and increasing workouts, in other words. Which isn't good! But I am so miserable and disgusted with myself currently that everything seems rational.
I haven't eaten yet today (slept in) and I'm finding it hard to do so. I feel like I don't deserve it or need it because I've gained. I swear, weight loss was easier on my brain than maintaining. I've never been so close to eating disorderville than I've been while trying to stay at this weight. I said a range of 127-132 would be fine and I'd be happy. Lies. I want to be no more than 128 with 127 the ideal. I'm NOT happy if my weight hits the 130s. I doesn't matter that no one can tell that I weight a few pounds more or less by looking at me. I just HATE being there.
Yes, I feel awful and I'm not sure how to fix it.
First things first, I have to force myself to eat today.
I just want to cry or scream or hit things but I've got to find a way to get past it and move on.
EDIT: I'm leaving this up because I'm owning my feelings. I did feel that way today and I'm sure I'll feel it again off and on. It's important to leave it because it'll serve as proof that I'm SO not perfect and that maintenance isn't easy.
However, I've got my self set on a new goal: complete P90x Classic (slightly modified so I can continue to train for my Half, once my leg is sound) and having set a goal and started on the path has helped my mind set. We also took Day 1 photos and I don't look half as bad as I though. We even took a couple of me totally in the all-together and the ones of my back when I'm nude made me look at them a lot and loudly declare myself hot about a billion times. So, it's just a number. I'm hot and strong and going to BRING IT and do this program. I'll be a better runner because of it and I'll be so strong and fit. Day 1 down, 89 to go.
Thanks for the support.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
I was curious to see how far I've come in the last couple months.
I hit my original goal weight about two month ago and then hit my even smaller "pie in the sky" goal weight about a month ago? I finished 30DS, ran my first 10K, ran my first sub 30 5K and started training for my upcoming half (10 miler this week!). So, lots of stuff has happened and the number happy part of my brain wants to crunch and compile. Heh.
Here we go!
Okay! I like having this info available for me to glance at if I ever feel down.
So, here goes.
SW April 09: 167.5
WEIGHT June 09: 157.9
WEIGHT August 09: 145.5
WEIGHT now: 128.7
SW April 09: 33
WAIST June 09: 29.5
WAIST August 09: 28
WAIST now: 26.5
TUMMY April 09: 37
TUMMY June 09: 34
TUMMY August 09: 31
TUMMY now: 30
HIPS April 09: 39
HIPS June 09: 37
HIPS August 09: 35.5
HIPS now: 33.5
BUST April 09: 36 - 38 C
BUST June 09: 36 B, 32 inch under bust
BUST August 09: 36 B, 31 inch under bust
BUST now: 36 A, 30 inch under bust
THIGH June 09: 23
THIGH August 09: 21 (thickest part) 19 (mid)
THIGH now: 20 (thickest), 17 (mid)
BICEP June 09: 12
BICEP August 09: 10.5
BICEP now: 9.5
CALF August 09: 15
CALF now: 14
PANTS June 09: 8/10 (more 10)
PANTS August 09: 6/8 (more 6)
PANTS now: 2/4 (more 2)
So, I'm pretty much tickled pink at how far I've come.
Especially if you look at the June numbers to now! And then I consider that the June numbers were after losing 10 lbs and I really started this thing a couple months before what I call my "Starting Weight"... I'd already lost about 10 lbs when I found Sparkpeople.
Honestly, I'm still a bit amazed I managed to do this. I still wonder "who is this girl?"
I like her, though, even when I'm tired and just don't feel like working out or REALLY want that vegan cake I still think it's worth giving up what I want to keep her around.
Here's to continuing to maintain and get stronger.
Thank you, Spark Buddies, you all helped me more than you might realize. :)
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
I had a really odd night last night and wanted to share.
THIS is why eating too little is bad, folks.
I will note that this was unintentional and due to a very busy night, not an attempt to lose weight faster by eating less. I usually eat at least to my low end, usually more.
So, yesterday was a bit nuts.
I worked until 5:30 pm and ate as I normally do at work. Breakfast, snack, lunch, snack. My last food was at around 4 pm. I went home and did an easy hula dance workout DVD before packing up my little Eddie rat for his vet visit to be PTS. :'( Was done at the vet by 7:40ish and zipped over to the gym to get my run in before they closed at 9. Ran 5 miles at my usual 11 min/mile pace. Was a bit hungry/thirsty going into the run but felt fine during it.
Cooled down, stretched and left for home. Got home by about 9:15 and started getting dinner ready. Whipped up a batch of cookies (mmm, cocoa oat!) and cooked dinner. Right about when dinner was done (10ish) I started feeling AWFUL. Nauseated, tummy hurting. I went to the bathroom and my face was pale, even my lips!
Then the body aches started. Deep aches across my shoulders/neck and upper back. Then I spiked a fever and got the chills. I mean, serious chills. I was on the couch in sweats, slippers and a hoodie, covered in a homespun blanked with my CAT on me and still freezing.
My appetite disappeared and I could only choke down my broccoli, some potato and a few small bites of my veggie burger. The freshly baked cookies held no allure. Yes, you read that right. Fresh out of the oven and I could barely stomach looking at them.
I thought I'd been hit with a really sudden flu bug and ended up giving up on eating and just climbed into bed under my heated blanket. Shivered until I fell asleep, darn sure I'd feel bad in the morning and need to call in sick.
Woke up after about 8-9 hours of sleep feeling fine. Hrm.
Flu tends to last longer so I think I must have just had the biggest low calorie bonk ever.
Checked my tracker and yeah, since I couldn't eat dinner or my evening snacks, I'd eaten just under 1000 calories for the day. And burned 640, plus my BMR of around 1660. Badness.
Promptly ate two cookies this AM (Sidenote: fantastic! and only 65 calories each!) which I'm tracking for yesterday just to make myself feel better. Had a nice healthy breakfast and feel 99% fine now.
Let this be a lesson, make sure you eat at LEAST your low end and don't workout on an empty stomach and then get distracted by cooking until all hours. It's not fun!
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