Monday, January 02, 2012
Okay. I'm in this.
I reset everything on my Sparkpeople account.
I've never wanted to do that, because I like looking back at what I was eating or burning or whatever and comparing that to what I'm doing. I liked seeing the graph from when I was making progress.
Unfortunately, that mentality started to turn volatile. I started berating myself for not living up to the same standard as I was before, not working out the same amount or not eating the same way. It started to become a way for me to make myself feel worse instead of better. Never mind the live changes that have occurred since I lost all of that weight. Never mind the fact that now I have a child that I need to care for instead of working out for 3 hours a day.
So today, I feel like I've taken a big step. I reset my account. All of my past goals are gone. All of my past successes are gone. All of my "look where I used to be, why did I do this to myself"s are gone. This is fresh. This is new. This is me. Starting over. From scratch.
My new fast break goals are to blog 3 times per week, eat 2-3 servings of fruits and veggies every day, and take the stairs whenever possible. I've done all of those today. I need to get used to feeling hungry for the first few weeks, and keep reminding myself that that will go away once my stomach is retrained and reshrunk. I need to get physical activity whenever I can, because thats what my body needs (I feel I should note that that sentence originally read "I need to get physical activity whenever I can, because I can only go to the gym before work, not both before and after work like I used to." I changed it because I don't want to think like that anymore. What I'm doing now has nothing to do with what I did before. My body is different. My life is different. My priorities are different).
This is definitely a learning process. All of that negative stuf is ingrained into my brain. All of that comparing to what I did before needs to stop. It IS stopping.
They say the hardest part about moving forward is not looking back. But you know what? Regret is an appalling waste of energy, you can't build on it. it's only good for wallowing in. And I'm DONE wallowing.
Monday, December 12, 2011
So husband brought up the topic of baby #2 this weekend. He says he's ready. I am just not quite there yet.
The thing is, yes, he's READY. For what??? HE doesn't get up with the baby at night. HE didn't even spend all that much time with Max when he was that little. Babies make him uncomfortable, and he has said before that he doesn't deal with their lack of communication skills well. So I don't see how he really has anything to be ready for!
I'm certainly not ready to be pregnant. I hated being pregnant. I'm not ready to split my attention between Max and another baby.
He insists he's not pressuring me, but I feel like he is. On one hand I could just do it to get it out of the way, but ugh. Ugh ugh ugh.
Monday, December 12, 2011
This weekend was...okay.
I didn't have anything planned for dinner on Saturday, so we went to Zemog's. It had been almost 2 months since we'd been there (last time was for my birthday) and I was craving it. I was good though, I didn't get the potachos, and I didn't eat all that many chips and salsa (maybe 4?) and I got the Fiesta 500 taco salad, so it was under 500 cals. I felt okay about that, granted the sodium was out of control, but oh well. Of course then Sunday morning I was up a bit.
Sunday was a little tougher. It was cookie baking day, and I made like 5 dozen gingerbread cookies. In retrospect I probably went overboard. But they were Star Wars! And delicious. So I had like 5 of those over the course of yesterday. I tracked everything but what I tracked seemed low so I'm sure I ate more than my calories. Again, up this morning, by more.
Today before going to the gym, two of those cookies managed to find their way into my mouth. After that setback, I set out to do well. I went to the gym, but then one of the paras here, a professional baker, brought in cakes for us to try. I had shoved half of a slice of red velvet and half of a slice of white cake with almond fill down before my brain realized what my body was doing. So boom, that's 300 cals.
If I stay on track the rest of the day and eat what I had planned for dinner, I will be over my calories. So now I need to change the dinner plan for the night and eat something smaller or healthier or something to try to recoup today. It's going to be tough, but I want to succeed! I'll figure it out. I need to stay strong in the face of those ginger bread cookies at home, though.
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