LEIGHWOMAN   72,881
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Struggles and goodbyes

Monday, December 01, 2014

I apologize, friends, it has been a long time since I've written.

I've had struggles. Not only with the program and following my calories and whatever, but also just with...life. There are days I am 100% happy with how I am and I don't feel like I need to do this, and then there are days that I hate what I look like and want to lose 50 pounds. My fitness has been pretty good. I have been working out with my trainer 3 days a week. I have gotten so much stronger. I am seeing definition in my legs, arms, and back. This is huge. I know this. But it's not enough for me some days. When I first started benching 100 lbs, I rewarded myself with a new tattoo.



The 3 large white stars are my husband and two kids, and the rest of the stars symbolize people in my family that have made me who I am today. The infinity symbol for the idea that family is forever, and it's painted cause, well, art. It's kind of what I do :)

We had a stressful week last week. We had to put my cat, Mojo, down rather unexpectedly. She had been losing weight rather rapidly, and when we woke up on Sunday morning she was in the bathroom while I was in there and she wasn't breathing correctly. It was very labored. So we took her to the emergency vet and after a bunch of diagnostics and x-rays, they found a massive tumor in her chest that was swimming in fluid and collapsing both of her lungs. Cancer. She was 9 years old.



I still have her sister and litter mate, Zuzu. She's been doing okay. Every once in a while it seems like she's looking for Mojo. But she's healthy as a horse. It was a really hard time for both my husband and me, he has never had to deal with that before and I've had pets that died but never that I had to make that decision for. It inspired me to get another tattoo, though, which I will be getting on December 12th. It will go right on my left side of my chest where she would knead me at night before falling asleep ever since she was a kitten.



So I don't really know where I stand. When I eat well I don't lose, when I eat somewhat mindfully I don't gain, but when I eat horribly I gain. So I guess I need to stop that. But it's hard to get motivated to eat well if I'm not seeing any benefit from it. I know that I am not in a place in my life to eat paleo like I was doing. I just can't and don't want to do that. I need to figure out what I really want my end goal to be.

I've gone almost an entire year without worrying about losing weight, just learning to love myself. I've made progress, but there are still days where that is a struggle. It feels good a lot of the time, but I know I need to continue to work on that.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONFUSEDBIRD 12/6/2014 1:29PM

    Sorry about your kitty, so sad. welcome back good for you staying motivated!

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SBHPATRICK 12/1/2014 5:45PM

    Oh, I am so sorry about Mojo. What a loss. I've had to make a similar decision for a beloved cat and it's truly awful. Your planned tattoo honoring Mojo is lovely (as is the new one you just got!) and I hope it brings you some peace.

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CLARA0 12/1/2014 4:03PM

    Welcome back

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Still here, just doin' my thing.

Friday, August 29, 2014

I'm here. It may seem like I'm MIA because I don't comment much and I like never blog, but I'm here. I only check in during school days cause I am just not at a computer at home. Even my tablet and my phone...not on them much. I'm tracking 5 days a week while I'm here but I don't always track dinner.

It's time to get real about my goals. My goal this year has been to just love myself. I don't have an overall goal to lose weight but it's always in the back of my mind. It has been in the back of my mind since I went to college. There is never a time in my life since then that I haven't thought about losing weight. Sometimes it's just more of a wish than a goal though. Anyway, 8 months of learning to love myself. I'm doing well with that. I actually stopped wearing makeup because I realized I wasn't wearing it for myself, I was wearing it because I thought it would make it easier for other people to look at me lol. But...it didn't really do much. It's 10 minutes of my morning routine that I cut out. I don't even put on lotion most days, although I should at least put on something with sunscreen I suppose. But, I'm loving myself that way and realizing that I like the way I look. When I get dressed in the morning I like how I look. I'm still not loving myself when I see myself in videos, why are they so different?! Seriously, I think I look good in the mirror then I see a video and it's like WHAT IS THAT. Oh well. A work in progress.

Paleo. Well, modified paleo. VERY modified paleo. My MIL is doing a modified paleo for memory and brain health after reading a book called "Grain Brain." We are helping her out whenever we can, making sure there is food she likes that is "safe" for her to eat. I even cooked spaghetti squash for the first time last night. I had never had it. She and Johnny both really liked it but I wasn't a fan. Weird texture and I didn't like that it was sweet. But...I will try again with a different sauce combination. I know it's healthy and its good that at least other people in the house like it. I am definitely not 100% paleo, but I'm doing okay. I allow myself breakfast sandwiches or flavored yogurt in the mornings for breakfasts. Lunches and dinners are usually pretty good. Snacks are at about 90% for being good (I started making paleo fudge and wow it's amazing). Overall doing good, feeling okay. I don't notice myself having more energy or anything when I'm doing super on paleo, but I do notice that I don't need to eat as much food. So this is working for me. It's a doable ratio.

Working out. This i have been good at. My bootcamp was moved to Monday and Thursday mornings, and that's working out beautifully. My neighbor and another friend from spinning are doing it with me and this month another teacher friend will join us. I'm really getting a lot stronger. I've noticed a lot of areas toning up, I have a bicep that actually has a bump to it. My hips are pretty solid now...still bigger but not flabby. I think I just have my dads butt and that's how it is.

Family life? That's great. We've had some extra help, Ms. Joyce, who comes a few hours a day to help out my MIL with the kid(s). She's been a great addition to our family. The kids love her, my MIL loves having her there. She's just great. So that's all been very good. It's relieved a lot of the stress..

So things are going well. Very well. Just keep swimming!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

EDDYMEESE 9/4/2014 12:09AM

    Awesome! I'm glad to hear you're doing well and I'm very happy for the update - I know it is hard to blog frequently, but periodic updates are great :) keep up the hard work!

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CONFUSEDBIRD 8/30/2014 12:11AM

    Glad to hear all is well. Nice to hear your MIL is doing good so far. Makeup is a lot of work, I hardly ever take the time. Unless I am getting a photo taken.

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Just a quick update

Friday, August 15, 2014

Well, we are a week into school. 3 student days. So far it's going well.

I'm liking being back to a routine. It's helping a lot. The past two days I've been totally exhausted when I get home. But I cook anyway. Then I don't know if I'm too tired or just genuinely not hungry, but I eat a few bites and I'm done. And I'm okay with that. My stomach is shrinking. I'm listening to my hunger cues. It helps that food hasn't been that appetizing to me at that time of the evening. Helps in that I don't OVEReat. I don't feel a need to snack. Maybe something small - like last night's string cheese.

I've been working out consistently. Monday and Thursday mornings we have our boot camp now and that's working out perfectly. I get done in enough time to get home and shower and still get to work early. And I'll hear about it if I skip out so it keeps me going. Wednesday mornings I have spin, so they keep me accountable there. Tuesday I went and jogged. Our elliptical got delivered yesterday so this morning I did that. It worked out wonderfully. It's got an awesome fan on it.

Originally my goal from the end of the school year was not to exceed 200 lbs over the summer. I did great til about Mid July, when my mom came to visit. I got up to 202. At the end of one day i was at 204 (10 lbs up) but that was the end of the day so I didn't fret. I was bummed that I went over 200, but at least I held steady at 202. And lets face it, I wasn't working all that hard. I'd work out maybe 3 days per week and eat whatever I wanted. So I started off the year at 202. I cut down my carbs by a lot going sort of paleo with what my MIL is doing starting on Sunday. By the time students got back on Wednesday I was down to 199. This morning I was 198. So it's going in the right direction. And I'm not suffering.

Life-wise things are great. Max is loving school this year. We're getting some extra help around the house for a few days a week, and that helps mom out when Milo is being a pill or she needs to run errands. We are doing well!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONFUSEDBIRD 8/19/2014 8:43AM

    Happy to hear all is well!

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EDDYMEESE 8/16/2014 1:21AM

    Hey, great to hear an update and I'm glad you're solidly back in One-derland...I know that is a big deal for you :)
What's the goal for the rest of the year?

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LOSER_ZIMM 8/15/2014 9:59AM

    emoticon Wishing you a great school year! My kids go back August 25th.

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FINALLY got my tablet back!

Sunday, August 10, 2014

That will make my life so much easier. It came back the first time and worked for 2 days and then the same problem kept happening. It would lose charge very quickly and it wouldn't recharge past 60%. So I sent it in again. I got it back on Thursday and so far things are peachy keen. I hope it's fixed for realsies because using only my phone is a pain in the butt!

So. Food. It's been okay. I haven't really been tracking consistently. It's been pretty hard with only my work computer and not being in my classroom to do it. My weight is holding steady, which is good, albeit higher than I wanted it to be at this point. I'm sure I've been CLOSE to my range every day. I'm trying to keep an eye on my snacking, and since I'm at work most days it's easy to keep it at bay. Yesterday wasn't great but it wasn't bad either.

My MIL has been diagnosed (however I feel slightly erroneously, but diagnosed nonetheless) with early onset alzheimers, so that's been pretty frustrating for her. The good news is that they put her on an anti depressant as well as a patch of some medication that it supposed to help. Seems like both are working - her short term memory is getting better (only asking the same question 2 or 3 times and REMEMBERING when I start telling her the answer that I already told her vs. asking the same quiestion 6 or 7 times with no recollection of us having the conversation already). Her long term memory is still spot on. Nonetheless it's still kind of a kick in the head for her so she's trying a paleo-type diet that is designed for help with memory. Getting rid of grain-brain and stuff. She doesn't eat a lot of protein or fat so it makes a lot of sense for her to start. I've been trying to get her to eat more fat while she's here but she's so scared of it. So now we have a weekly menu up on the fridge, I am making 90% paleo dinners and she has paleoesque foods she can eat during the day. I think it will be a good change for all of us. I'm not going 100% because when I did that before it just wasn't worth it to me. But she is, and I will do a lot of the cooking so it will at least be low carb and low sugar.

Fitness has been pretty good actually. I went to the gym all 3 days of school this week, which doesn't sound like much but it's a start. Then yesterday hubby and I did a bunch of yard work. We are getting new siding right now, and it looks SO GOOD, so that made me want to make the rest of the yard look better. It takes a lot for me to want to do yardwork or to at least do it without complaining, and I did for 4 hours yesterday. I'm very sore. We have this bush wall between us and our new neighbors. We have had it forever but our neighbors have always been sketchy because the house was always rented. We finally have some buyers and they are a great young couple. Zack and Tela. They have a little blue heeler puppy named Charlotte. He works for PLV Schools doing grounds maintenance and she works for Grace University in the financial department. They are very nice, very personable people. They are doing a ton of work to their house. Needless to say I don't see the need for the bush wall to keep the weirdos out anymore. so we started tackling that. These bushes and weeds that are growing there are LITERALLY trees now. So lots of cutting things down and bending branches and blah blah blah - anyway Im tired. It will be a good change though!

So things are looking up. We have two more work days this week before students come back on Wednesday. Lots to do!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

KPETSCHE 8/16/2014 4:08AM

    Look into having her take Omega 3 fatty acids. Higher doses of these fatty acids (available in capsule form) can have a beneficial effect on Alzheimer's disease, which is a form of silent inflammation. Send me SparkMail if you're interested in some research materials.

emoticon

The Paleo diet is also good for decreasing the inflammatory agents in the body. Is she enjoying the adjustment in her diet?

Kelly

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CONFUSEDBIRD 8/13/2014 8:45AM

    Aww I am sorry to hear about your MIL. Hopefully the drugs are better now to slow down the progress. Such a devastating disease especially for the family. Good to hear you doing so good!

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I am HERE.

Thursday, August 07, 2014

Well. Back at school. Came into a room that was pretty much ransacked. Janitors and electricians didn't have much respect for my room while they were working in it this summer. Everything was just ripped out of the wall and put wherever. Cords in knots. Everything just...everywhere. It was really irritating. Then we had a 3.5 hour meeting yesterday so I had to see that and NOT be able to do anything about it! It was torture. Then after the meeting we had a few minutes before going out to lunch, and then when I came back from that I only had about an hour and a half or 2 hours to get anything done. Needless to say my room is still pretty messy.

I also didn't have a working computer. Finally right at the end of the day my Magnet Supervisor came through for me and got me a laptop. Thank goodness. We have open house tonight and we are supposed to have a "mini syllabus" to hand out to parents, not to mention the actual syllabus for the first day of school. I don't have a printer hooked up but at least I have the syllabus done.

So, how have I been? Well, okay I guess.

Last week I twisted my ankle pretty good trying to catch a glass bottle that rolled out of our recycle bin when I was putting it out. Ran down the hill, it was slick because we hadn't had rain in about a month, and I slipped and fell down on my butt. It was seriously YouTube worthy but thank goodness it was so early that no one caught it. That hurt though. I am only finally feeling better now.

So fitness took a back burner on those few days. Eating wasn't great cause MIL and FIL were still here. I did get my kitchen repainted though! No more oak cabinets and beige walls! Hooray!

I went back to the gym yesterday for spinning. My ankle felt okay on the bike so today I went back to running. It felt pretty good.

Today at work we have this team building thing in the morning and then staff pictures, then about 3 hours to work in our rooms and open house tonight. Somewhere in there I have to find time to eat. Glad I went to the gym today though. Feeling better than if I would have skipped it.

They've been providing breakfast and that has been okay. Yesterday they had all of these egg casseroles and bacon and fruit. I stuck to the bacon and fruit because I had eaten after leaving the gym. I love bacon. Today was donuts and bagels and fruit. I had a bagel and some fruit but don't have any temptation towards the donut, which is a nice change of pace. The rest was tasty though.

Tomorrow we have curriculum day so I'll be at the art museum all day with the art people. Probably won't get to check in much. Doing SP from my phone is a real pain. I am supposed to get my tablet back again today though so hopefully the problem is finally fixed.

So that's what's new. As of this morning I was 202.6, which I am super bummed about but it's to be expected with how I've been eating. Today will be better. One day at a time!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

CONFUSEDBIRD 8/7/2014 8:54PM

    Isn't it funny how the biggest injuries end up coming from mundane acts like cleaning or picking something up wrong. Good to have you back!

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CHANGEISGOOD 8/7/2014 10:52AM

    Good morning, my friend! You've got this!!!
Sorry about the ankle, but I am glad it's feeling better. I go back to work 2 weeks from today. Good luck getting your class back in order. Sometimes I think that is the hardest part of the year. But this too shall pass.
~Sandy

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