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Time wounds all heals

Saturday, November 29, 2014

I am enjoying the blessings from all the good things I did in life. But I was not perfect so neither is my life. At this stage of the game there are many loses. My sister, my mother's memory, many of the people I worked with... but I am strangely content.

The brother who has been such an aggravation to me sent an e-mail that sounded like he had developed a dislike for me. Aside from a tinge of regret, I was relieved. We could never have a relationship that wasn't all on his terms and for his benefit. I am better off.

Although I continue to enjoy my chocolates, I am slowly dropping the weight I gained this summer and soon will start showing a loss on my tracker.

There is a future, and I am ready to step into it.


It is what it is...

Saturday, November 15, 2014

I lost my baby sister to cancer this summer. About the same time my mother's dementia got to a point where I could no longer care for her even with home health care. It was tough to admit that. I try to visit her often, but daily visits were wearing me down worse than caring for her at home so I am taking some time for myself now.
We cleaned out my sister's house and now have a buyer for it so that is one less concern.
Dealing with November darkness got a lot easier when I got that news.
Thanksgiving dinner will be "different" without my mother and sister. But these are the times that help us to accept the new reality and remember how much is missed.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PICKIE98 11/15/2014 7:58PM

    I cared fro my grandma, aunt, dad with Alzheimers, now mom with dementia,,she has hospice now for renal failure, I care for her home, mine, work, am her DPOA and sole Trustee for all decisions. I cannot wait to sell her home later.. acres of grass, mice, new roof, boiler, windows, doors, tree fell on house, shoveling snow,etc.. I am exhausted...

A big hug to you, so sorry for the loss of those you love. Take care of yourself..I know, easier said than done..

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NHES220 11/15/2014 3:56PM

    I'm glad you found a buyer for your sister's house and have at least one less concern. I know how it is with dementia with your Mom. My Dad is still at home with my Mom, but is getting worse. He is falling more frequently and then sometimes does not know who my Mom is or realize that he is in his own home and insists that she call his daughters. So we'll get phonecalls from him where he is very confused. Breaks your heart. I know how hard it is to lose a sibling, I lost my brother to colon cancer when he was 34 - he was the baby of our family too. Hang in there and hoping you have better days ahead.

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It will get better, it will get better....

Friday, August 22, 2014

My kid sister died June 12. She was diagnosed with stage 4 pancreatic cancer in March and opted to not take the chemo. She got hospice and they did a good job of minimizing pain.
Now I am trying to sell her house. The stale cigarette smoke is a detraction and what was the perfect house for her hasn't yet found the perfect buyer. Meanwhile, I am trying to dispose of her belongings. Some to charities, some to relative's yard sale, and I am planning on manning a booth at a flea market for her antiques.

So, Mom shut down when she learned her baby (age 62) had cancer. She stopped functioning to the point that she lost muscle strength and needed more help than I could give her, even after retro-fitting the bathroom with special tub and grab bars. So she is now in a nursing home in a nearby town and I try to visit every day. One day I couldn't because I was at the doctor with/for my husband most of the day. He will be getting a pacemaker next month. Today, I am trying to catch the dog to give her a bath before her vet appointment this afternoon. I also need to fit in a long walk for the dog before the appointment so I can get a fresh BM sample for examination. So this will be the second day I miss visiting Mom.

It's more tiring than a job because there are no days off. But, eventually the house will be sold, the other belongings taken care of, estate settled, routine established and I won't be single handedly supporting the ice cream industry. At least, with the dog walks and not eating while driving, my weight is staying pretty stable.

So THAT is where I have been the last few months.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LOFLLAMA 8/22/2014 8:22PM

  I miss you very much. I'm sorry you have all this on your plate. Know that you are in my thoughts. Hug Mom!

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SUNSHINEGB 8/22/2014 12:03PM

    My condolences on the loss of your sister. We lost our oldest daughter last fall, 3 months after she was diagnosed with having cancer. I certainly can emphasise with you. It takes time, lots of time, but eventually you begin to live normally or as normal as possible again.

That said, I think it's terrific how you've kept your weight stable, kept busy, have lots of plans and things to do. That's what I call living!


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I matter

Friday, December 06, 2013

It took me many years of stumbling and learning. I still have a lot to learn. But I finally think I found the core problem with my self worth. All my life I have been treated as though I don't matter. Thank goodness I have a supportive husband and a rescue dog who adores me. It is still taking awhile to go from "knowing" this to accepting that I do matter and do deserve nice things happening.
It's funny that all along I have always felt that everyone else was more important than I was. As a single mother, I accepted a layoff from a good job because if I didn't, someone else would have been laid off. I didn't know who, or what their circumstances were, but I just convinced myself that I could handle it better than they could. How stupid!
It all worked out and I have a comfortable situation now, but how different my life might have been if only I thought I mattered.
So if anyone reading this thinks they are less important than anyone else, remember that I, for one, think you are very important, and now I am almost as important as you are.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IGNITEME101 12/18/2013 12:30PM

    Lovely thoughts! I have also been like that in times past. Still true in a few areas, even now, maybe.
Guess its true if I can say that.
Thank you for bringing up this subject! I didn't know I still need to deal with this topic until I read your words.

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BAMAJAM 12/6/2013 3:33PM

  A wonderful blog and it truly touched my heart! Yes, you matter indeed!
My childhood environment was terribly sad---- the lesson of childhood was that we not only did not matter, but we, the kids, were constantly held in contempt! Pretty heavy for a child to bear, day in and day out, year after year... We finally "escaped" --however, each of us needed therapy to heal our injured souls....
I wish every child could feel loved and cherished, and properly disciplined too.
Thank You!

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    Thank you for your encouraging words! emoticon You have placed value and self worth and self respect on your being~ good for you! We all need to. Even a mustard seed of self love will grow to know no bounds. emoticon

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All better now

Friday, November 29, 2013

Today I had the tumors removed from my female parts. It was an easy "day surgery". I was in the operating room for only 45 minutes and experienced no discomfort. My hubby took me (poor guy had to get up at 6:30 am) and stayed with me.
Thanks to all who sent their prayers and good wishes. It could not have gone any better. Only down side is that there was no weight loss. I keep hearing about those people with 12 pound tumors. No such luck. This is all me, and I will have to lose it the conventional way.
I am thankful that I was blessed with a healthy body, in spite of how I neglect it sometimes.
Happy holidays to all.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SHEILA1505 11/29/2013 11:08PM

    I agree with Pickie - what a relief
So glad all went well for you

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PICKIE98 11/29/2013 2:56PM

    What a wonderful gift!! No big fatty tumors??No chemo or radiation, not hair loss, no death from it.. You are blessed dear lady.. I could cry with happiness for you!!! Yahoo!!!

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