Tuesday, March 29, 2011
OK, so you know on the Biggest Loser, when each of the contestants has the one moment (usually with Jillian) where they hit an invisible wall and totally break down and lose their shit? Then, Jillian turns into "nice Jillian" and becomes a therapist and works through it with them? Usually, it's something deep-seated, like they don't feel like they deserve to be happy. And Jillian convinces the contestant that they DO deserve happiness. And then they dry their eyes and decide not to give up and move on. And, usually, from that point on...they are fiercer than ever and usually go on to win the whole damn thing?
Yeah, well, this is exactly the sort of thing I was afraid of when I began this whole "be a healthier me/lose weight" thing a month ago. I knew (mostly from watching The Biggest Loser) that there would be a day when I would hit that wall and it would be hell to go through, but that it would change me at my deepest level.
Today was that day. Without giving you all the sordid details, I will say that something that I thought was one thing turned out to be completely something else. Just as the Biggest Loser contestant starts out thinking that they just aren't strong enough to do any more jogging on the treadmill and find that they really don't feel worthy of receiving love at all. The giving up on exercise is just a SYMPTOM of their deeper issue.
This is how it apparently worked for me too. This issue that came up originally SEEMED to be about something sort of trivial and ended up warping into an entirely different thing for me. And to have to face the Truth of myself and the choices I've made to make things worse, was really difficult. Frankly, I felt like shit most of the day. I cried a lot a lot a lot. But, in the end, my mind was clear, my heart was clear, my conscience was clear. And I was ready to answer the question (which I wasn't ready to answer two days ago): What am I going to do about my unhappiness? Am I going to do something to make it better or am I going to choose to make it worse? What is most important to me in the long run? What do I want my life to look like in 5 years?
I chose to make it better. And the more I thought on this, the more excited I got about mending the things in my life that are broken. And I turned a corner. And I feel that same empowerment that I've been talking about recently in relation to my workouts...but it has spread to every area of my life. This is where good health spreads from your diet and working out...to your emotional life, to your personal relationships, to your marriage, to your parenting. See, this journey I'm on is not just about getting skinny. I want to be the best "me" I can be. I made a few unfortunate bad choices along this way, some of them just yesterday...but, in the end, they've all served to draw me back to this place. HOME. And so I guess I didn't need to fear this wall so much after all. I was beating myself up earlier over the stupid things I've done and a dear friend said, "Why do you feel guilty? Self-discovery is never a bad thing."
Thanks for being there, all of you. I'm so thankful for you. I have the greatest friends.
Monday, March 28, 2011
So, I forgot to mention one of the best moments of my night on Saturday. One of the girls from our team (who happens to be one of the most beautiful ladies I've ever met) that I hold in very high esteem pulled me aside at the after party. She hasn't been too vocal recently on my Facebook page, although we used to communicate pretty often there. But she said she really wanted to talk to me. And this is what she said:
I just wanted to say that I know I haven't said much lately on your Facebook page. But I've definitely been keeping up with everything you have been posting about your health journey and weight loss. I want you to know that the positive energy you are putting out there is just amazing. The fact that you are not afraid to share that you are loving your body and become more aware of who you are is inspiring to women. Keep doing that. It's so important. It doesn't matter if you're a bigger girl...women need to hear that if you WORK IT and if you OWN IT and feel great about yourself and have confidence, then you can do absolutely anything you want to do!
I was so humbled and touched by her words. I just hugged her! Haha.
But, there is definitely something to be said for confidence. I was SO nervous on Saturday before we arrived because, honestly...I knew I looked great. And I'd never before worn so little clothing in a public setting before (and it was just a spaghetti strap dress, y'all. We're not talking lingerie here! Lol.) I am not used to attention. I don't know how to handle this sort of thing. I was definitely hyperventilating in the car right before we walked in.
But, I made myself face that fear and I did it. Even though I'm still pretty big, you wouldn't believe it. I noticed quite a few double-takes. Like LITERALLY...neck breaking double takes, which made me laugh out loud.
Ladies, you are so beautiful. All you need to do is own it. Don't be afraid of it. You haven't experienced life until you put yourself out there and realize what a gift you are to everyone around you.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Well, our B-Team won last night, which was amazing. They had an all losing season last year. Last night they won against one of our biggest rivals and remained undefeated for the season!
The A-Team lost, though. But they are #16 and the team we played is #9 in the region. I was very proud of our ladies last night. They never ever gave up and they played as hard as they could! The penalties just killed us in the end. Still, it was a really fun night.
We definitely won the after party, though. I had such a great time dancing like crazy until about 1am. I was under on calories yesterday...so, even with the party, I didn't go crazy.
It was a great night!
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Woke up so excited for the bout tonight!
Went on a nice 4 mile walk and I'm planning to dance for AT LEAST 30 mins tonight. That ought to take care of any extra pesky calories. I am NOT losing this 10 lb weight loss due to lack of planning!
Well, lots to do...make a healthy lunch, drink a bunch of water, do nails and toenails, shower, then get ready for the big games tonight!
Wish us luck! If we win, we move up 6 places in the rankings!
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