Tuesday, May 31, 2011
I need something. And I keep saying I don't know what I need, but I do know. Deep down. I need to learn how to love myself and not desperately grasp for that love from other people.
Ever since I went on vacation, my health goals took a serious nosedive. I tried to "get back in the game" for awhile there, but then things went south with my personal/family relationships and, quite frankly, I gave up on myself. I just didn't care.
I'm beginning to emerge from that drama (a LITTLE) and I have had quite a bit of self-discovery time to realize that I have a problem (in looking for love in all the wrong places...when I really need to figure out how to find it in myself). And sabotaging myself by letting myself go is only going to make matters worse. Still, in this place of utter depression and searching, it's hard to find the motivation to work hard and be a better me. It seems so much easier to just give up and lose hope.
I don't mean to be emo or over-dramatic. It's just the place I'm in right now. I want to get back to health...because I KNOW how much better I feel when I'm on top of my game. And I HOPE that I can do it. I just lack the faith in myself right now.
Well, here's to hoping. I guess a blog entry (for the first time in weeks) is a decent start.
Wednesday, May 11, 2011
My Dad went back to San Diego a couple days ago. At 3am, I received this unusually emotional text from him:
I love you so much. You're my "baby Leah". I was there when you were born. I cut your umbilical cord. I'll never judge you or disparage you. You can always tell me what you're feeling. Please call or text me anytime. I don't ever want you to feel isolated. You're not.
Wow. That is just EXACTLY what I needed to hear today. *tears*
Wednesday, May 04, 2011
So, I walked the trail tonight. Four miles, but this time I really pushed myself to see how fast I could do it. I usually slow down and kind of goof off for the last half mile or so, but this time I went full speed the entire time. I was able to do four 16-minute miles, which is really a big deal for me. I would say I generally usually do four 22-minute miles, so this is definitely a personal best.
Aside from a few muscle locks during stretching afterwards, my body feels amazing.
It was hard work. But it was worth it.
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