LDANELIS   74,108
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Are you Hungry?

Sunday, February 20, 2011

I have long known that my relationship with food is fairly unhealthy. Simply put: I eat.
Yesterday, after a delicious lunch of an overstuffed pita (veggie with humus), my boyfriend and I decided to head to the mall.

Malls are of little appeal to me – probably because I’m no longer a teenager, and am no longer able to spend my parent’s hard-earned money on whatever frivolous item is presently all the rage. Being an adult is kind of rip-off, but I digress.

The only appeal of the mall…is the food court.

Food courts are my mecca. Japanese, Mexican, Chinese, donuts, cakes, ice cream, slushies, subs, pizza…all in one central location. It is all a little overwhelming! My senses overload amidst the smells..the anticipation of flavor (not that mall-food is extremely savory, but I’m not really choosy), sugary delights, spices. Yes, I love food courts.

So naturally, in all my extreme excitement, I ask my boyfriend – “Do you mind if we get a noodle bowl at the Japanese place?”

In response, he sort of gives me a sideways glance, and asks “Are you actually hungry?”

Now, my boyfriend did not know me during my 300+lbs days. He was not there when I went through the upheaval of a major lifestyle change. Nor was he there through the emotional outburst of “HOW DID I LET THIS HAPPEN TO ME?” He did not see me cry over my disgust for my body. He does not know that I can consume enough food in one meal to adequately satisfy a family of four for two days. Nor does he know how much I crave to do so. He does not know that my basic thought pattern revolves around…food. And he still thinks my preoccupation with cake is just a cute character flaw. He doesn’t know that a slice of cake can easily become an entire cake.

So when asked “Are you actually hungry?” I admittedly had to stop and think.

No…I wasn’t.

In fact I was stuffed from my recently devoured lunch.
Wow. Small epiphany.

This little incident made me think…maybe it is time for me to start listening to my body. You see, I have started to believe that I have no off-switch. There has never been a point at which I would say “NO” to food. I have always tried to convince myself that I still want more, need more, would be unfulfilled unless I had MORE.

After an all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, it would be nothing for me to go home and raid the fridge, looking for the next item to devour.

I am a food junkie. I crave my fix.

And yet, is it my body or my mind that is screaming “EAT, EAT, EAT. FOOD, FOOD, FOOD?”
And yes – it is my mind. Because in that moment, when I finally stopped to THINK and LISTEN TO MY BODY…I was FULL.

So really, it is mind over matter. And like every junkie looking for their next fix, this is something I evidently need to overcome. Oh ya…and right now, as I write this…I’m still stuffed from dinner, and have no reason to eat. What a realization!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SACTOWN 3/2/2011 2:47PM

    I relate to this, too. For me it is especially bad in the evening while I am watching TV for that final hour after the baby has gone to sleep.

I try to drink tea, but if I just can't fend off the "junkie" in me (for me it's sweets in particular...I could eat chocolate every hour on the hour with no problem), I substitute oatmeal with protein powder, walnuts, crasins, raisins, and stevia.

I may not be hungry, but at least what I am eating is nutritious and filling, so the impact is better than eating 8-10 chocolate chip cookies. Once I get too full I physically can't eat more.

Sadly, I am a food junkie like this one week out of the month where I could eat and eat until I feel sick. Guess which week? LOL

Thanks for the blog entry. :-)

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WILD4STARS 3/2/2011 1:27PM

    http://www.amazon.com/Course-Weight
-Loss-Spiritual-Surrendering/dp
/1401921523/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&
ie=UTF8&qid=1299090225&sr=1-1

Go to Amazon.com and check out Marianne Williamson's newest book "A Course in Weight Loss." I'm only on Lesson 5, but there are things in this book that TRULY speak to this issue. It's a real eye opener. The great thing about this book, over others I've read, not only does it identify the issue, it gives you exercises to overcome them.

Great blog, I think many of us have been there. I can eat pasta any time, any where, in any amount, even if already full.

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CRAZYDOGLADYBO 2/27/2011 10:36AM

    Thank your for a wonderful posting. Reading it made me stop and think, yup I am guilty of the same thing. I am also guilty of the clean your plate group.

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JENNI_ROCK 2/20/2011 12:59PM

    I'm so glad you had that moment! Proud of you!

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SUNRISE14 2/20/2011 7:21AM

    emoticon THOSE LIGHT BULB MOMENTS HELP ! I NEED TO ASK MYSELF MORE "AM I HUNGRY ? DRINK A LARGE GLASS OF WATER THEN ASK MYSELF AGAIN "ARE YOU HUNGRY? THANKS FOR THE emoticonMOMENT I APPRECIATE IT ! emoticon

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EILEEN828 2/20/2011 2:00AM

    Yes indeed I can relate too. What I'm trying to change for myself is every time I think I'm hungry, I try to focus on that desire and determine if I'm really thirsty instead. I'm not used to defining that desire that way so I have to force myself to be aware. Usually that is what I'm craving, just plain ole good water. If you're not already handling your water habit correctly, then this could be your fix to your craving. Also don't substitute any other beverage at this point, all of them are pale comparisons to what your body is craving, water. Think of it more as a necessary nutrient you're short on. If you have to have a flavor then use fresh lime or lemon. Or tea, green or herbal. emoticon emoticon

Comment edited on: 2/20/2011 2:02:03 AM

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ZELDA-SAYRE 2/20/2011 1:20AM

    Awesome blog, I can relate to this so much. Lately that's what I ask myself when I want to eat something I just go, "am I actually hungry?" ... If yes I eat, if not I don't. Sounds so simple but like you said a junkie's always looking for the next fix!

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Rebooting Day One

Tuesday, February 08, 2011

Day one of my so-called “reboot”…I spent the day struggling to ignore the chocolate that is strategically located in every possible location imaginable, even the most obscure. Luckily Valentine’s Day is only a week away, and all temptation will be thwarted. Except for the fact that Valentine’s chocolates will be replaced by Easter eggs. Or St. Patrick’s day chocolates? Beer? What do you eat on St. Patty’s Day?
And though well intentioned, my boyfriend is on a baking -“try this”-kick. Having just returned to university, combined with having moved into a house ripe with live-from-the-earth types (patchouli), has peaked his interest in food. While the house smells of fresh baked goods and home prepared delicacies, created from the freshest and finest ingredients – it is more than I can deal with! Today’s temptation included fresh bread and pork souvlaki.
And so I trudge along with the recognition is that I need to finish this ordeal. As I sketch out the map for my future plans, I recognize that I cannot continue to struggle with this weight issue – it is too time consuming and emotionally draining.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JRNYFAN 2/8/2011 4:33AM

    Rebooting... that sounds about right for me too... but we can't give up.. we can do this for our health.. for our future. emoticon emoticon

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Some cycles are hard to break...

Monday, February 07, 2011

(Recently found photo from 2005)

It has occurred to me that in 2011, I will be “celebrating” four years of healthy living. No…wait…it actually signifies four years of me, attempting to deal with my weight issues.
Four years.
Four years of a continual struggle.
Four years of monitoring what I eat.
Four years of pushing myself to walk that extra mile, put in that extra ten minutes of weights, run, stretch, jump, etc.
Four years of constant guilt.
Four year of worry. Four years of wishing, hoping, enduring.
I want this part over before I hit the four year mark – by the time November rolls around, I want to be at the “maintenance” part of the journey.
I had not thought it would take me so long.
Don’t get me wrong – I feel great – but that constant struggle is starting to wear thin.
In November I hit my lowest weight – 160 pounds. I was thrilled, ecstatic, over-the-moon. And then, like so many times before, I hit my wall. Christmas came, and suddenly I was exhausted of the constant monitoring and working out. 320 pound ME was alive and wanted to take over again. Amazingly, at 160 pounds, I could still inhale my pre-healthy quantities of food.
I’m struggling, but I see the necessity to finish this once and for all – regardless of how much I love pizza, chocolate, cake and candy. Regardless of the new cravings that I have developed – I had not realized that when I started to clean up my eating habits, how much greater my food desires would become. I find that an increasingly large amount of my time is spent focusing on food.
Yes, I will eat healthy for a lifetime, and I need to stop sabotaging myself. I need to reestablish my accountability to myself. I have no idea how much damage I did to myself over the holidays (I am refusing to step onto a scale, for fear of the reality) – I can guess by how my clothing feels, but I need to stop this vicious cycle.
I recently found pictures of myself from 2006..and I’m embarrassed by what I became…I can’t go back to that…I’ve come to far, worked too hard….and yet I’m so exhausted.
It is time to pick myself up, and just get through this…

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

33ANDHAPPY 2/8/2011 11:22AM

    Wow! Just wanted to commend you on your achievements - especially now since it seems you are struggling a bit...keep going - you are wonderful and beautiful and you know you can do it! emoticon

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SUNRISE14 2/7/2011 2:08AM

    emoticon emoticon GLAD YOUR BACK AND ON THE WAGON I THINK ALL OF US HAVE DONE THIS OVER AND OVER BUT NOT GIVING UP IS THE THING. I KNOW I WOULD HAVE DIED BEFORE NOW IF I HAD GAVE UP. I GOT A BROTHER 54 THAT DOESN'T EVEN TRY AND HE'S ON OXYGEN AND DOESN'T HAVE LONG TO LIVE. IF HE WOULD LOSE WEIGHT AND QUIT SMOKING THEY TOLD HIM HE COULD LIVE A GOOD WHILE BUT LIFE IS A CHOICE AND HIS CHOICE IS TO DIE EARLY IN LIFE! HOW SAD ! DON'T GIVE UP ! emoticon

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169: A Tale

Saturday, June 19, 2010

Early in 2009, I saw the scale reach the lowest weight I had ever seen (as an adult) – 169. It was a moment of excitement; I was in the 160s, only 39 pounds from my goal weight. It was vindicating, exciting, and all of those other adjectives that are synonymous with relief and joy.

It was also brief.

As the summer wore on, I started to loosen up on my eating habits. I was busy training dogs for agility competitions, working, socializing and balancing life. My boyfriend loved to go to restaurants, and I was eager to indulge in the foods that I had long denied myself. By the end of August I was pushing 180 again. Not a huge jump, but still not a step in the right direction.

In the fall I tried to get myself back under control, but with moderate success. Christmas came and went. More weight came and stayed. The evil voice in my WII Fit told me that I was Obese (again). That was a hard blow to take, especially after two years of hard work.

After Christmas I slowly got myself back together. Working out daily, watching my caloric intake, and becoming moderately involved with SparkPeople. By February I was back down to 175, which also meant I was below the “obese line” – and that’s when I left for Southern Ontario.

A couple of weeks later I was back to over 180.

Angry with myself, disappointed in having nearly ruined what I worked so hard for, I started basically from scratch. As I mentioned in my last blog, since April I have had to reboot myself and become more active in the Spark community (it really does help!)…

So this week…when I stepped on to the scale and saw it…there was a momentary thrill…

169.

My lowest weight.

I weighed myself two days in a row, just to be sure…

And two days in a row, I saw it…

169.

That is weigh loss euphoria.

This summer I am facing the same crazy schedule as last summer, except with schoolwork thrown in. I still have a restaurant loving boyfriend – who complains about my influence in causing him to be a little more health-driven. The difference is – this summer I won’t let it get away from me.

July 19th is my 30th – I want to cross that line at 165 (160 would be nice – 30 more pounds to lose on my 30th birthday, but I need to be realistic)

168, I’m coming for you!

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MINIMILI 11/8/2010 2:11PM

  emoticon you inspire me THANK YOU!!!

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FITNESS134 8/4/2010 6:11AM

    Thanks for your encouragement. In return I want to encourage you to reach for your goals. You can do it.

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LORKAT 7/18/2010 4:04PM

  Don't you sometimes wish you could wake up and weigh 130? I do! I can tell that you will reach your goal some day. You are an inspiration. You have faced struggles and overcome them. You still struggle. These are the things that make us stronger. I hope that I can have at least half your strength along my journey. Thank you for sharing your story.

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CHIFANG130 7/12/2010 3:33PM

    You can do it!!! My weight has been creeping up on me after I went away for a week vacation. It's amazing that in just one week your body would do when you are not eating the right things and exercise 30 mins at least daily. I told myself that never to give up. I have my goal and I am going for it!

emoticon

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FIREBELLY 6/24/2010 8:16AM

    My last year was similar. I was down and up and down and now I'm up. But the big truth you mentioned in your blog is that this Spark community really does help! I'm doing the "one foot in front of the other" thing right now and I'm feeling good about it. What originally motivated me was a picture as well. My husband and I were on a couple vacations one year. Most every picture of me made me cringe. I'm looking forward to hearing that you passed that old "168" by on your way down. I think you can, I think you can, I know you can, you know you can!

emoticon

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FLEUR_DE_LUNE 6/20/2010 5:48PM

  You're more aware of the pitfalls than you have ever been. You are determined. You have a full month before your birthday. You know everything you need to do in order to accomplish this. You will accomplish this, I'm sure of it. I was so touched by the 26 lessons you had learned by losing 100+ -- you will use all that wisdom you acquired to get to that goal and you will be deliriously happy on your 30th birthday.
You only need to keep going slowly in the right direction. emoticon

Johanne

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PATTYCAKE17 6/20/2010 2:53PM

    So proud of you. emoticon I don't know who said it, but " It's not not how many times you fall that counts, it's how many times you get up!" Try taking it slow , one day at a time and really, really plan. emoticonBecause you've done it before. All the best to you. P.S. .Ask God's help at the beginning of each day, and ask Him to intervene at those times when you are weak, because then He is strong. emoticon

Comment edited on: 6/20/2010 2:54:36 PM

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JENNI_ROCK 6/20/2010 2:10PM

    You can do!!!!! I know you can! You are such an inspiration. I think I will go out for my walk today. Since I went to San Fran for the weekend all I have done is eat well. No walks and you made me feel better to go out and do it. If anyone can get to 165 by July its you!

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JEWITCH 6/20/2010 12:47PM

    Sometimes we need those setbacks to get it straight in our minds what we really want. What I have found that works for me since I have several friends that love to go out and eat, is when my food comes I ask for a container to go and pack away about 3/4 of the food. Since the amount of calories in restaurant food is probably equal to 4 meals. This actually is quite nice because I spend more time enjoying the company than eating and I also get 3 more meals from that original meal. I am sure your have the right mindset to reach your goals that you have set for your birthday. Keep up the great work. Remember emoticon

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EVER-HOPEFUL 6/20/2010 7:38AM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon169lbs oh how i dream of that.you can do it and be at the weight you want for your birthday if you drink your water,eat your fruit and veg,stay in calorie range and exercise.only you can do it,just like only i9 can do the same for me. emoticoni can do it,we can do this. emoticonand have faith my friend.

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RAINBOWMF 6/19/2010 7:59PM

    AAAAhhhhhhhh emoticon that is emoticon
I know how you feel, I have done the same with the 139 saw it and saw it again but some how I leave it-- going the wrong way.
I never give up, just start over.

I am sooooo happy for you

Mary

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GARYO12 6/19/2010 4:48PM

    Congratulations! You can do this!!! emoticon

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The Never Ending Battle

Friday, June 11, 2010

Seven weeks ago, I started again. I blew it – big time! And I needed to.

For two years I have been working on this, rather diligently. Kicking my butt daily, continually counting calories and pushing myself to keep trudging on. It was hard work but somewhere along the way I forgot where I was going, and somehow lost my motivation.

I spent part of my winter in southern Ontario and during that time, I refused to consistently work out. I wanted to eat like I used to - and so I did. Foods were prepared in butter, fattening sauces were used, dinners were topped with high-calorie desserts. My wonderful boyfriend, who decided to pick up a part-time job in a coffee shop, would bring home high-sugar indulgences. I attended the annual maple syrup festival near Ipperwash – it was delicious – and I spent days afterwards sneaking maple-treats.

After a few months, I decided to return home for the summer (for better employment options). I knew that I had put on weight! My clothes were tighter, I could see rolls where rolls had not recently been. I tried to disguise the gain by wearing oversized sweaters – a trick that I had previously used back during the days of 300+pounds.

I saw my Mom when I returned. She looked at me with a bit of surprise…
“Don’t say it. I know…I will deal with it.”
Like a good Mother, she responded “Oh it’s barely noticeable.”

For the first week after my return, I avoided mirrors and continued to eat – though I did start to work out a bit more consistently.

I took about two more weeks to straighten myself up. I felt like a fraud – here I was preaching healthy living, trying to be a positive role model for the kids at the school, etc and I was failing miserably. I had quit weighing myself when I hit 185 (I was 170 when I left) – this very thing got me into trouble ten years ago! (Back in 1999 I quit weighing myself when I hit 214; my weight surged after that!) Now - I certainly didn’t hit 300 pounds again – but I know I did get up above 185.

I started to clean my eating habits up (again), pushing myself to work out (again), and seeking what it was that motivated me (again).

What’s the moral?
Maybe I needed to fall off the wagon. I needed to remember how hard it was to get to this point in the first place. I am not finished by a long shot, but I had to reacquaint myself with having to kick my own butt.

I also needed to remember how easily I put on weight, and how much I struggle with taking it off (and considering I’m not finished, you’d think that I wouldn’t have forgotten so easily!).
Even if I do hit my ultimate goal of 130 pounds, I know that I will continue to struggle with my weight. I know that there is a chance that I will end up putting weight back on. Ultimately I would like to think that after having worked this hard, that even if that dreaded event happens, I will have enough gumption to turn myself around again.

Oh – and the result of having to restart myself?
Over the course of seven weeks, I have started running further than ever before. I have started eating healthy because I actually feel better when I do. My clothes fit again. And last night a friend commented: “Wow you are looking good these days – I hope it’s because you are working on it, and not because you are sick.” (You know how men can be when it comes to awkward weight comments!)
I’ve also become more involved with SparkPeople – I spent the first two years trudging along alone. Spark is helping to keep me honest.

Oh yes, and the biggest result?
Reaffirming my goals.
November 2010 will be the 3 year mark. I thought I would drop all of my weight in one-year (I hadn’t realized how heavy I was). By November 2010, I want the final 45 knocked off. Gone. Never to be seen again (hopefully). I have come to terms with the fact that I will have cellulite, but I will not be obese again.

I turn 30 in July. I want to be down to the 165 pound mark.

And when all is said and done…I will travel again; It was hard to be an obese traveller; it prevented me from going to places like India, China, etc, because I took up a lot of space. It prevented me from climbing the volcanoes I wanted to climb (I wasn’t in the shape to do it). Truthfully it is a never ending battle.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

PATTYCAKE17 6/12/2010 11:27AM

    YOUR LAST LINE,"TRUTHFULLY, IT IS A NEVER ENDING BATTLE" IS PROBABLY ONE OF THE TRUEST THINGS EVER SPOKEN. I REMEMBER WHEN I WAS ABOUT TO "TURN 30" AND THE BATTLE HAD BEEN RAGING FOR YEARS ALREADY. AT THAT AGE I HAD A TEMPORARY VICTORY, BUT 30+ YEARS LATER THE BATTLE GOES ON, AND IT ALWAYS WILL. IT'S YOUR CROSS TO BEAR I SUPPOSE. I KNOW IT IS MINE. BUT THROUGH IT ALL I HAVE WON SO MANY VICTORIES IN MANY OTHER AREAS, ALWAYS SPURRED ON BY MY WEIGHT BATTLE. I HAVE ALSO LOST BATTLES, AND NOT JUST WITH THE SCALE. ITS CALLED "LIFE," AND IT'S A ROCKY ROAD. ALL THE BEST TO YOU, AND CONGRATULATIONS FOR GETTING BACK UP ON THE HORSE WHEN YOU FELL OFF. GIVE YOURSELF CREDIT FOR THAT! emoticon emoticon

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RAINBOWMF 6/12/2010 9:02AM

    Young Lady this is a good blog.
Why we fall is a mystery to me but the important thing is we get back at it.

I have put the same 50 pounds back on so many times, I lost count.
It is a sad time when you look back over your life and know that you spent it all worrying about your weight.
I wish there was some magic that would tell us why we like to torcher our selves by putting it back on and then working our butts off to get back to goal, healthy weight.

I am still searching for the reason, there is one thing I know for sure and that is I will never give up, I will always get back to working on me,
Thanks for the reminder.

Love Mary
PS you were right in my neck of the woods, when in southern Ont.

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ELSEEBEE 6/12/2010 8:38AM

    emoticon Sometimes it takes a good kick in the rear (in your case, a look in the mirror) to teach us why we want to live a healthy lifestyle. You have learned much on your journey to a healthier you and there is no doubt you WILL achieve your goals! I congratulate you for being smart enough to make these changes now while you are still young. The older you get, the harder it is to get the weight off (voice of experience speaking here).

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EVER-HOPEFUL 6/12/2010 2:13AM

    emoticonyou can do this,i too after being ill have decided today to recomitt.you can do this,i can do this,we can do this.

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XENA1956 6/11/2010 11:51PM

    I didn't like flying when I was heavy, sit too small. Good luck on your new and improved journey and I hope you get to do all those exciting things you want to achieve! emoticon

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DARLEEN223 6/11/2010 11:49PM

    Sometimes a "do-over" or "re-boot" is exactly what we need to get us going in the right direction again. Congratulations on making it through that challenge and coming out the other end a stronger, more amazing YOU!

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QUORNDAWG 6/11/2010 11:45PM

    Traveling is a challenge as it is hard to plan meals. But good for you for keep trying.

emoticon

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JESSSPARK 6/11/2010 11:36PM

    I can definitely relate to the travel issues- the final thing that spurred me to *really* start exercising and tracking calories was my inability to keep up on a trek in Thailand. I did it, but BARELY, and it smacked me in the face that I was in much worse condition than I thought I was in my head.

Kudos to you for reaffirming your goals and being so honest with yourself.

We will NOT be obese again! Grrr!!!!!

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