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Making myself accountable

Sunday, December 18, 2011

Even though I have mentally come to terms with my eating choices yesterday, getting them out in a verbal/written way is harder. It makes it more real. I know I need to do it though, just to make peace with myself & move on!

I've been on a streak for quite a few weeks. Since December 1st, I've been within my calorie range every day, with the exception for Dec 10th, where I went over 400 calories because I went out that night & got a drink. Besides that, food-wise I've been doing awesome with staying in my range. Yesterday though, was horrible. I went over my maximum calorie suggestion by almost 800. Where did I go wrong?

It all started in the morning. When I got up, I was annoyed, frustrated & stressed to the point where I was on a slight panic attack, but couldn't figure out why. I had a healthy breakfast..... and then after about 10 minutes I decided to have 2 mini chocolate chip cookies that my roommate had sitting out on the counter. That wasn't enough to satisfy the craving & after another 20 minutes I still felt hungry, so I had 3 pieces of peanut butter balls. By this point I had consumed 548 calories. I dutifully logged everything because I knew it would help keep me in check & mindful the rest of the day.

Eventually I went to the Y to get a work-out in to reduce the feelings & hopefully get more relaxed. I did 30 minutes of strength training, doing 2 sets of everything instead of my usual 1. I also did 25 minutes total on the treadmill. When I got home, I had a meal around 5. Here I also did well.... a protein shake, homemade burger with no toppings, some raspberries, and green beans. With this meal added on, I was now at 1,217 calories for the day (the beef patty had a lot of calories, next time I'm getting a leaner cut). I would've been set for the day & felt ok.

I was feeling a little bit better but still on edge & angry. I did some more random things around the apartment, got a short 10 minute SparkPeople Bootcamp video in, and did 15 minutes of yoga to relax. By now it was 8:30, late enough where I needed to start getting ready to go out to a show with some friends. Since the yoga & bootcamp video actually made me just slightly hungry, I cut up a kiwi & had a couple of handfuls of my homemade trail mix (corn chex & peanuts). This would curb my appetite & keep me full for the rest of the night. Total calories for the day now? 1,303. Perfect! My carbs were in range, protein a little low but still pretty high for me, and the fat was only a couple past my range (the beef patty had 31 grams... again, next time getting a leaner cut). I was pretty content & felt full enough from the whole day to last me till morning.

Then we went to the show.

Still stressed & annoyed, I tried to just forget about things & have fun! Half-way through I was craving popcorn. I figured a small would be ok & I knew I wouldn't be able to eat all of it. The small size was actually bigger than I thought, but I was going to eat half & then take the rest home. Right..... I ended up eating almost the entire bag. As I was finishing it up, my stomach started to feel weird & unpleasant as it always does when I eat too much popcorn.

We get home & I'm flat-out angry with myself. I was using food as a way to very temporarily feed/satisfy my emotions. And I knew it. I made a mug of hot cocoa & was going to head to bed. But the peanut butter balls were calling me so I had 5. Running on full anger, I had a serving of potato chips too. By now I was so pissed at myself & irate that I was letting myself do this. My body was trying to say that it also wanted a pack of fruit snacks, but I drew the line. I logged onto SparkPeople and tracked the rest of my food I had.

I ended the day with 2,343 calories. The last time I got anywhere near this high was November 12th. My carbs for the day was 253 (1 above maximum), fat 118 (almost double my maximum), and protein 61 (1 above minimum). I felt so incredibly disgusting, knowing most of my food choices weren't healthy & that they were all fueled by emotional eating. My body just also didn't feel happy, being so full & bloated.

As such I just acknowledged what had happened, that tomorrow was a new day, & went to sleep. I got up today with my usual mindset of focusing on healthy choices & staying within my ranges. And I'm proud to say that I've done just that! I'm in range for everything! Sure, a couple of times I had a craving for a lot of foods I know I shouldn't have, but I know it'll dissipate again. When the cravings arose I realized that I was feeling stronger emotions again, so I would clean something or tackle some work e-mails. And they would go away.

Now that I'm breathing again & relaxing, I know I've got this under control. Yesterday was a step back & I know it was all emotional & it happened. But that doesn't need to affect my choices or actions today, tomorrow, or the rest of this week. And that is why I will be successful.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

DEBJAE 12/20/2011 3:12PM

    Been there, done that...a few times! emoticon But my life went on, I recovered and overcame my stumbles. No doubt you will do the same.

I just try to remember that I can't change what is already happened and try not to let it upset me but to learn from it...I do this with all lessons in life, not just food and overeating.

So don't let it get you down, just focus on your goals!

Hope you have a great week!

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GLITTERMAGIC 12/20/2011 9:29AM

    emoticon I know I go through the same thing at least one time in the month :) But you are right, New Day means new choices :D

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BITTYGIRL51 12/19/2011 11:55PM

    Yep, been there, done that! Sounds like the movie theatre might be a trigger enviornment for you. I cannot go to the movie without wanting popcorn. The smell alone gets me every time!

Oh well...if you learned a lesson from it than all is not lost. Good job of sharing honestly your challenge.

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LIONINTHESKY 12/19/2011 3:25PM

  New Day today! Make the best!..All your healthy choices will help your body balance out.

Thanks for the comments btw :)

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DIANN111 12/19/2011 10:08AM

    Oh my gosh! We have all been there! You had such a stressful week! It can be so hard to just feel our emotions and not react! I think our emotions are there to protect us and so naturally we want to react by taking some action. Eating is socially acceptable, when sometimes what we'd really like to do (at least in our minds) is to shake some sense into the person or thing that we feel is causing our stress. Lol Sometimes it's just pent up stress or frustrations. I think it's amazing that you were so aware of your emotions and why you were reacting the way you did! And then you recovered and got right back on track! You've found that exercise works great!
emoticon emoticon

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IHEARTGEE 12/19/2011 5:04AM

    I think we all have days like that, where - despite our knowledge of our emotional state, and our wish not to emotionally eat - something just breaks inside and we can't help it no matter what we do! But it looks like you're doing the right thing - acknowledging the mistakes, remembering how you felt after them, but moving on and starting a new day. Well done! Don't let that one day hold you back :) You're right back on track.

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You've got to be kidding me

Saturday, December 17, 2011

I had quite a lengthy, venting blog written up & the window crashed. And it's gone.


I am too annoyed & frustrated & want to cry. Forget retyping it, I'm going to bed.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LIONINTHESKY 12/18/2011 9:51PM

  yeahh I knowww whatcha mean thats so frustrating! Tell us about it tomorrow!

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BITTYGIRL51 12/17/2011 9:35PM

    Been there, done that! Here's what I usually do...I type my blog in a Word Doc and then when I get ready to post it - I open up SP and cut and paste.

Sorry...I empathize. emoticon

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BLUE42DOWN 12/17/2011 2:31AM


I'm sorry that just writing it out, even if you didn't get to post it, didn't help work through some of that.

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A stressful week makes for active distraction!

Saturday, December 17, 2011

Holy cow. I've been so behind on blogging. It's my usual problem.... good, strong intentions all morning & afternoon. Then the next thing I know it's late in the evening. Every day this week I've been active on here though & keeping up with my eating & exercise.

This week was the last week of classes (Wednesday was the last day). I was also continuing training at my new job. Today I had my first final. Needless to say, I've been stressed. Rightfully so. :) I went to the gym every day except for one day where I ended up being really sore one day. Since I didn't want to push myself further I did light stuff at home. I've been averaging about an hour and a half every day. Switching up activities, still including yoga every day regardless (it is amazing my calming my body down & making me relaxed enough to fall asleep).

Since today was my first final, let alone the one that I was not looking forward to, I was stressed since I first got up. Well, I could say the last few hours of my sleep too as I kept tossing & turning & feeling like I wasn't getting deep enough sleep. I ate a healthy breakfast of a hard boiled egg, banana, kiwi & caramel flavored hot cocoa.... just enough for my stomach to handle. The hot cocoa was moreso to mentally make myself relax & indulge in something. :D I got to my final & it was actually easier than I thought it would be. The first two exams were really hard, hence why I was freaking out over this one, but I was surprised at how easy the questions were for me.

Once the final was over with I got a few things done at home. A friend of mine came over to use our shower since their work was painting the walls of the locker rooms & they weren't able to use it there. She's a chef so she always showers right after work. Since I live only 5 minutes away & happened to be home, I let her use ours. Things were fine for a while. And then I got a message from someone responding to a conversation we've been having. Nothing serious, just asking who a couple of people were that were trying to friend me on Facebook. The response didn't sit well with me & I got pissed. Mad enough where I just packed my gym bag & headed out. By the time I got to the gym there was only an hour or so until close, so I was only to get about 45 minutes in but oh my gosh.... I've never worked so hard & intense like that before. I started out with a walk/jog interval thing on the treadmill (after a 5 minute warm-up of course) & after about 20 minutes of the interval training my body decided it was NOT going to go any further with that. So I got off, quickly wiped it down & went straight to an upright exercise bike. I put in my usual 'random' setting, 15 minutes timing & set the resistance level one higher than I usually do & just started pedaling. Since my body was still running high on the cardio groove I had started to maintain on the treadmill, I was naturally putting in more intense & focused effort. Within a few minutes I could feel my body sweating more & noticed a light mist covering my chest, arms & hands. I figured the rest of my body was probably the same way. When the changed on the body, I pushed myself into maintaining the RPM I was averaging. I could feel the good burn in my thighs. After another couple of minutes I looked down at my arm & actually saw a bunch of sweat beads while simultaneously feeling sweat dripping down the back of my tricep & side of my face. I was in an intense groove where I was comfortable, pushing myself just enough, &..... I loved it. It felt AMAZING. I have never done that before & it was pure bliss to be in that state.

Granted after I got home, refueled myself with a protein shake & dinner with fish, fries & veggies, & took a shower, I was BEAT. I've been lazy & tired since. I know tomorrow I'm going to feel it but hopefully not too bad. And with that, I bid you adieu SparkFriends. :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IHEARTGEE 12/18/2011 5:59AM

    Wow, way to channel your emotions in a healthy way! I'm sorry that you've been having such a stressful time, and be assured that I know EXACTLY how you feel. But it sounds like you've dealt with it really well, and you haven't let stress lead to emotional eating or let it affect your fitness routine. Well done you!

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Do you Zumba?? (And other newfound joys!)

Saturday, December 10, 2011

Even though there are multiple YMCA locations in my city, there is one that, until this week, I have always gone to all year (what can I say, I'm a creature of comfort!). Earlier this week I saw a sign on one of the walls promoting the Zumba class. It meets on Sunday mornings from 11-12. I am not a morning exercise person.... I have tried many times in my life but it's something my body cannot tolerate & it will let me know how much it doesn't like it! But I figured that with my daily schedule lately that it would be do-able.

I've never done Zumba before. I know & understand what it's about & I am definitely interested in trying it. I've also never done a group exercise class before, aside from dance classes at studios. My question to you guys is, do you Zumba? If you do, do you like it? What is your favorite thing about it & do you have any tips for a first-timer?

Last night there were a couple of social events going on that I was on the fence about but still felt somewhat obligated to go. After I was home for a couple of hours & had dinner, I quickly realized my body wasn't going to let me go. I made the decision to stay home & rest. You know it's also a good idea to do so when your roommate takes one look at you & says "Wow, you look exhausted!". So I stayed home, took a bath & passed out. I am so glad I did. I got a full 9 hours of sleep uninterrupted. I feel refreshed & amazing this morning.

I also realized when I got up that I was STARVING. All I could think was, I need to have a hard boiled egg. Now. And orange juice. And a piece of toast with peanut butter. Apparently I needed protein & some carbs! I've never really craved protein before that much so it's a nice change of pace, especially now that I am feeling some muscles strengthen more. Since I vary my work-outs almost every day, I'm starting to see how protein really aids in building all of my muscles & giving me fuel & energy. I feel like this may have been a conscious roadblock I was giving myself since protein was never an area I really focused on until lately. Sure I made some strides in weight loss & losing inches throughout the years, but after a small point it always just stopped. I knew I wasn't fueling my body the right way before to really make a difference overall. Hopefully this time is different! :)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SKY2012 12/11/2011 10:24PM

    I am so happy for you that your cravings are so healthy :-) and as far as Zumba, I would loveeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee to do zumba, I just cant afford it. I wouild pay someone to make me a copy of the DVD, but I dont know anyone who has the DVD :-(

Have a wonderful week and again great job on the healthy cravings! yeh!!!!

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BSTOIBER1 12/11/2011 6:14PM

    I love zumba! I tried it at the Y and , honestly, you have to do it at least 3 times before you decide, because you really need to start learning th e steps. But it is fun! The music is upbeat, the atmosphere is fun, and the people come in all different sizes. Its easy to do at your own level too. :-) Try it!! emoticon

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BABYGURL941 12/10/2011 10:42PM

    Haven't tried Zumba yet, but I plan to. Good job with eating more protein it will help keep you satiated longer. emoticon

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HONEY-SPARKS 12/10/2011 12:47PM

    I have only tried Zumba game on the xbox and i love it. its very intense and fun. I don't live near a ymca its over an hour away so i have to settle for now the game. the local gym in our neck of the woods is a manly place :).
We have a curbs and I am waiting to join it as it is new but packed all the time.
Its stil a ways form here. good luck on zumba I am sure you will enjoy it.

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BITTYGIRL51 12/10/2011 12:43PM

    Haven't tried Zumba, but have heard from friends how much fun it is. I was never a big proponent of the protein thing either, until about a year ago. Now, as you know, I make sure I get almost 100 g protein in every day and it sure makes a difference in cravings and how satisfied I feel throughout the day.

It also strengthens me for my gym workouts. Good luck!

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MELLYBEANS0919 12/10/2011 12:38PM

    Great your body is craving healthier foods! I haven't done Zumba before, it looks so fun, enjoy!! I am not a morning person either, wonderful you found a class that is in the afternoon!!

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Stressing, stressing, stressing..... slipping?

Friday, December 09, 2011

As I write this it is early Friday evening. I could've sworn yesterday was Tuesday. Where in the world did the week go?!

Monday everything was still going good.

Tuesday I had my first work meeting, classes, worked out & homework.

Wednesday was first work shift for a few hours, drive 2 hours to Appleton for a doctor's appointment (& have fast food for lunch since I didn't pack anything or had enough time to stop at the grocery store for something better), kill time for an hour after appointment, chiropractor appointment, went home to eat dinner with mom, do laundry, help out with small miscellaneous projects around the house, make candy, & then it was 9 pm. emoticon

Thursday was wake up, pack everything up, drive 2 hours back to where I live, drop everything off at home, go to classes, make dinner, took a nap, worked out, homework.

Today was meetings, cleaning up around the apartment, nap, swim, eat, & now it's 6:30.

I have made some strides in this week but I have also had some set-backs. My strides were that I exercised everyday so far, except from Wednesday (I'm not counting the 20 mins of yoga before sleeping). When I did exercise, I didn't skimp from my usual routines, meaning I still got at least 30-45 minutes each time. My set-backs were in food choices since Wednesday. As I said, I had to rely on fast food when I got into town. There was no way I could go till after the first appointment to eat something. I did choose the smallest burger with only ketchup for a topping & the smallest fries, but when I entered it later, I was still surprised to see how much of everything I track it was. I didn't go over for the day, but it did limit what I had for dinner. Yesterday I started out eating well & then it got harder throughout the day, but was still in range for most things again. And today my body is just craving everything that I love.

I know the more the week went on (or should I say, IS going on), the more stressed I am getting. As a result, even though I am trying to eat well, my body is trying to get me to have everything I know isn't good. Carbs, processed frozen stuff, chocolate, fruit snacks, etc. I've been doing pretty well ignoring them & only eating a few of those things in moderation, but it's messing up everything else I track. My freggie intake has gone down significantly. I'm not drinking enough water. I don't want protein.

Ughhhh...... Laura, just STOP!

You have not gone over in calories at all this week.
You exercised 5 out of 6 days this week for at least 30 minutes.
You have gotten at least 7 hours of sleep every night.

I feel like I'm slipping more than I probably am. And because I've been so busy this week I've hardly been on SP since Tuesday, so I'm behind in thanking those who commented on my blog or page, or checking up on other people or my teams. The weekend is starting yet with finals coming up & about 4 or 5 social things going on, I don't feel excited about the next couple of days. Only stressed of what is going on & what I need to do. I could just not attend anything, but it might be better to pick just one or two things to do. We'll see how tomorrow feels.

Sorry for the long post. It was all building up in my head the last few days & I needed to get the worry & frustration & stress & guilt/shame out. I should work on not being a perfectionist all the time. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BITTYGIRL51 12/10/2011 12:40PM

    I feel your frustration. December is an extremely difficult month for me...and I haven't been choosing wisely lately either. It is what it is. You will get past it. The more you beat yourself up or expect perfection the harder it will be - believe me, I know! I do it too! So, just do the best you can and that might mean alternating carrots sticks in between the cookies emoticon until you get a handle on it.

I challenge you to write down at the end of each day all the "right" things that you did. In fact, I might take my own advice and do that myself! emoticon

BUSY, BUSY, BUSY...slow down and smell the roses, girl. You are worth the extra effort. emoticon

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