Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Everything in my life seems to be at an up & down stance right now, an ebb & flow. Relationships, school classes, what I want to do with my extra time in my life now. It's hard juggling it & trying to figure it out, while going through the days smoothly & not letting it affecting things too much. I am a very emotional person. I tend to think about things too much & how I feel about the situation, having to exhaust all possibly outcomes before making a decision best fit.
And I'm sick of doing that. Granted yes I will still have to do that with a majority of things coming up (picking out the exact right classes), but with some things I can back off a little. Relationships are getting extremely sticky lately, but the more the days go by, the more I really don't care anymore & it just seems like too much worry, care & work. I don't WANT to be in a relationship right now. I admit there's times throughout the day or at events that I wish I had someone particular by my side, but I've been through hell & back so many times lately that my heart & mind are done with it all. I'm fine with dating somebody, but I don't want anything more serious & committed. After the past few weeks, I'd like to spend time with me, enjoy myself more, take more care of myself. After all, I have to live with me for the rest of my life. I might as well be completely & utterly 100% in love with who I am & enjoy it alone while I can.
Saturday, November 12, 2011
Earlier this week I posted a loooong blog about the relationship(s) predicament I have myself in. It still hasn't cleared up but it's definitely in a different position. I decided to confront the person I've been seeing for most of the year but recently have taken a break from. We are both stubborn people; highly emotional & definitely in tune with each other always (even when not together), but we're not the best at speaking in words what we're thinking or how we're feeling. So I decided to ask something I've felt in my gut. The answer was what I thought for a while now. Even though I wanted so badly to say something right away, I didn't. I slept on it overnight & sent a lengthy reply the next day, basically stating "this is where I'm at, this is where you are, here's what we gotta do". I laid everything out on the table & am putting it in their hands. While I haven't gotten a response yet (I just sent it yesterday), they did let me know they got it but need to process it again before responding. Which is fair since I did that.
Trying not to be bitter or pessimistic already, but it's kind of hard. I feel scorned. But I've done all I can at this moment without pushing it too far & it's out of my hands. Only time will tell what will happen.
Tuesday, November 08, 2011
Normally I don't blog until later in the day after I have done things that make me feel good or realize things that I need to change, but this morning I had a little mini-revelation & needed to get it out before it's profoundness slips away.
I have been in a weird relationship situation lately. It's something I've never been in before & because it's new, I'm still trying to figure out exactly what to do or how to feel. I was dating someone for almost 6 months when my life started to drastically change again. School was starting up, I had a new part-time side job, & there were family issues going on. There was just too much on my plate & I was already feeling overwhelmed. I decided to ask for a break for a few weeks to recoup myself, but left it up to them as far as if it was going to be only that or if they couldn't handle that & wanted to break up for good. I never got a response & hadn't heard from them in a while so I just assumed they wanted to walk away. A couple of weeks go by, we talk & realize that we both misinterpreted the other person. I shared that I hadn't seen anyone or done anything since, they shared they had. Now we were both in a position where we still loved & cared about each other & wanted to be together, but whereas I was ready to be together again, they needed to work through what they had done & needed time for their self to figure out some things. I understood & was ok with that. I decided to give them space & time while still caring & waiting. ..... and I'm still waiting, almost a month later. I am trying to not be pushy, & allowing them to contact or communicate with me when they want to, realizing that a good, strong committed relationship takes compromise & a lot of give & take. But it's getting harder for me to hold on & wait if there's nothing there even when we DO talk. Conversations are short & brief. I have no idea what is going on, what they're feeling or thinking or working through, or what they want. I understand that you can be so stuck in a rut that you don't know yourself (I've been there plenty of times myself), but as the other person in a relationship of any kind, it's hard to have faith & trust if there seems to be nothing there. Yet I can feel the love & compassion in their voice & messages.
We both made a promise to each other to not shut down or shut the other out, to share everything, no matter if it was good or bad. I did well with that, but now that I'm feeling like nothing is getting through or I'm just putting myself out there with nothing in return, I'm starting to withdraw sharing my feelings for fear of overwhelming them. I almost want to take a step back, kind of "disappear" but not, giving them more space, & see where it goes. But at the same time I'm afraid I'll lose feelings for them, even though I know I never could.
What complicates the situation even more is lately I have found out others are interested in me. I met someone a couple of weeks ago randomly while with friends & they blatantly told me they thought I was cute & they just wanted to hang out. They have since texted me a few times & I have been polite, but whenever there was a hint of flirtation, I wouldn't return the text. Another person I've known for a couple of months. They are a really nice, sweet person, but can be shy & withdrawn for fear of being rejected I can tell. I was told they were interested in getting to know me more & possibly dating, & sure enough, about a week ago they asked if we could have a date, anything low-key. They just like me & want to get to know me more & see where it goes. And now there's yet another person who is interested in me. We met a few months ago & we did try getting to know each other, but it was just bad timing & it ended kind of badly. I was hurt by some things & they were confused. So we consciously haven't spoken or seen each other in a few weeks. Last week when I sent a message simply apologizing for my reactions to some things. They accepted it & understood, & we were friends again. We have hung out a couple of times since then in groups, but I started to see more & more that they are interested in me & want to get to know me. It was made evident the other night when they flat out told me. They understand my foremost situation & are willing to wait for me to figure that out. We'd take it slow & go from there.
I am stupified. I have never seen myself as someone others would be interested in more than a night or event here or there. I also never realized that more than one person would be interested in me. For all of this to be happening is a little mind-boggling. Here I am standing, waiting for someone else who I had a committed relationship with & do see myself being with them for a very long time, but I also have a few other people who are interested in me & want to date me, yet I have no spark or feelings for them outside of mutual friendship. I feel I can't wait forever for the old relationship to start something new from weathering through changes, but I don't want to possibly miss out on something good & different with someone new.
One of the things I have had many, many people tell me, especially in the past couple of years, is that while I am a very loving & compassionate person, I don't allow myself to be loved. There always gets to be a point where I have a wall or block unconsciously, internally - a limit to how much I can feel or give. And it's true. It has stemmed from a few situations that have happened throughout most of my life & as such, I have never viewed myself as someone who can be loved or is capable of having it. Anyone else, it doesn't matter who, is capable of having it, but not me. While changing my life lately with food, exercise, taking time for myself, doing things that serve what & who I am, I am starting to realize that I *AM* someone worthy of being loved. I am an amazing human being. Sure I may be flawed in some way & have a lot of differences than the normal person on the sidewalk, but that shouldn't mean I'm not capable of having the same kind of love as anyone else. I have always loved myself, I just get ungodly scared of someone else, for fear of the past returning. Being able to see that I can be loved & allow it, I feel more free. Less burdened. Living more for myself & doing what I want instead of pleasing others. I realize my relationship that is stagnant right now does provide me with everything I need & want from someone, & I always had it. I just got scared & ran. I have always been a believer of following your gut, & it's telling me to wait for them as it doesn't feel anything with any of the other people. But how far will I go or how long will I wait to rekindle that?
Knowing that I am capable of having love, I don't want to be in relationships where it's just cause you're with another person or just for something fun. I have done that for a while & am tired of it. I want something real, something meaningful & committed as far as being with each other for more than a few months. To have someone else be as into me as I am into them. To make time for each other & be able to work through issues that come up. To still have fun doing random things yet be close enough where we're fine with a night in. I had that in the old relationship & I can know we can have that again. With the possible new ones, it could be possible but I know my heart wouldn't be into it.
I realize others can pick up on this changed difference within myself, which is probably why they're all of a sudden more attracted to me. But how do I know which ones are true? My only dilemma now? Figuring out exactly what to do. For now I will continue to live day by day, still embodying self-love & showing I am capable of love, but I know I need to make some decisions really soon.
Monday, November 07, 2011
Today I had my day all planned out - I was going to do random things in the morning, go to my yoga class, do some errands, work out at the Y & end the night relaxing. Reality quickly had other plans for me.
About 2 weeks ago I was put on medication for Narcolepsy. I've finally gotten (mostly) used to how my body reacts to it & interactions with other things, including alcohol. For some reason this morning though, my body decided it did not like it being in my system. I took a pill shortly after I got up like I always do. About 20 minutes later I started to make my breakfast - a hard boiled egg with toast & jam. When taking the medicine you should either have just eaten or eat sometime within 45 minutes of taking it. Shortly into making breakfast though, I got extremely sick really fast. I could feel my body getting hot flashes & chills, I felt my face flush, my stomach churn, & my head getting dizzy. I knew I was going to be sick. I couldn't figure out how or why it had come on so strong so fast. I ended up sitting on the floor in another room with the window open & I was fine. My roommate noticed I wasn't feeling well (apparently my eyes were darker & my face was white). While I was able to breathe after a while, I had absolutely no appetite or energy. I couldn't stand the thought of stomaching any food. So I sat down & took it easy for a couple of hours until it subsided.
I was still able to accomplish some other things throughout the day, slightly rearranging my schedule. Later in the evening I ate dinner at a decent enough time where when the food was settled long enough, I'd be able to go to the Y & work-out. However the longer it got after dinner, the more tired I got. I left the house to drop off my roommate's rent check & (hopefully) get the energy to go work-out, but I just plummeted. At this point I realized I could push myself to go anyway, but then not be able to gain anything from working out, or I could just go home, shower, & go to sleep. I decided on the latter. I reminded myself that I need to listen to my body - it will tell me what it wants & when it needs it. Tonight I needed to take a break & relax. A part of me got annoyed & disappointed for a while, but I also know I need to stop putting so much pressure on myself. I can only do what I can do at the moment.
Wednesday, November 02, 2011
Today I am constantly being reminded that I need to take time to stop, assess where I am mentally, emotionally, physically, & to take care of ME & my body.
A couple of times throughout the day I could feel my energy waning & body getting sleepy. The first time I took things slower, did things that didn't require a lot of mental task. The second time I deliberately took a half hour nap. Both of these things greatly helped in me being able to stay awake. During my yoga class I noticed my body rebelling against me in a couple of moves, where I could not stretch as far as I wanted to, or I couldn't hold my balance very well. Instead of getting mad at myself or embarrassed that I couldn't be "perfect" in executing a move, I would let me body stop, recover for a moment, stay focused on doing what it can & wants to do, & then went back into it. I'm glad I did so because this prevented me from overextending muscles & pulling them.
When I got up from my nap, while I felt mentally refreshed, my body felt run-down. My mind almost instantly started going into different things that needed to be done (cover letter for a job on campus, study for test tomorrow, finish lab report, research stuff for mom, work-out, etc.). I had a mental list of what all I was going to get done and the time frames I was going to complete them. It was very detailed and honestly had my whole night filled up. One of the things I had accounted for all day was going to the Y to get in strength training & some running. After waking up though, I quickly realized this was not going to happen. I knew I didn't have the usual energy or spark to be able to get through all of that. So instead I took a moment to realize that I need to stay in & work on other things that are important (such as studying for the exam tomorrow). Instead of getting mad that I couldn't follow through on working out, I am reminding myself I can tomorrow when the exam is done as well as my dermatology appointment, and it can be a reward for myself. In the meantime, I can eat right, keep my stress lowered by not overdoing myself & relax with stretching poses during breaks.
I am not putting an expectation on myself to do so, but if it works out where the majority of things are done before 9, I will treat myself to listening to a local R&B singer perform for free at a bar a few blocks away from my house with some friends. You can never go wrong with free music, good friends, & a relaxing atmosphere. Yea... I think by listening to my body & doing what it is telling me I am able to handle my stress quite well.
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