Thursday, January 02, 2014
Not too much more to say, the title says it all.
I've decided that I'm going to go back to Overeaters Anonymous, at least one meeting a week to kind of keep my head on straight. I know I'm a compulsive overeater, I know I use food to manage my feelings and to help me escape, and I know I'm not going to stop abusing food and my body unless I deal with the underlying crap.
I'm starting this year with a new attitude -- I'm not so much focused on a goal weight or a "number" in general, I'm not focused on the results - I'm far more interested in my BEHAVIOR, since it's my behavior that is making me/keeping me fat.
For today, I'm having three meals and a snack, nothing in between, I'm avoiding white sugar and flour, I'm avoiding processed food and I'm never eating a naked carb (protein every time I eat) to manage my blood sugar.
I'm also going to move a little. Even if it's just dancing in my kitchen while cleaning or going up and down the basement stairs myself instead of making my teenage boys do all my dirty work.
One day at a time. I can do anything in one day that I don't think I can do for a lifetime. So just for today, I've got my big girl panties on and my ass-kickin' boots and I'm putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on getting between right now and bedtime without behaving in any self-destructive goal-derailing ways.
Tuesday, September 24, 2013
This has been an odd year for me health-wise. I went through a whole GI Series and happily found out all I have is Irritable Bowel Syndrome which is annoying but not fatal and can be controlled if I avoid MY FAVORITE FOOD ITEMS. Dude, if I could do that, I would NOT need SPARKPEOPLE!!!!
Yeah, just stop eating white bread or baked goods or anything with flour - which is IN ALL THE DELICIOUS THINGS. I have had feeble starts and attempts at it and for now I'm going to claim progress, not perfection.
Add the IBS to what I believe is the beginning of perimenopause -- hot flashes AND month long periods -- and I am a sad, angry cranky mess who spends too much time in the bathroom and not enough time enjoying my brief go-round on this big blue planet.
HOWEVER :) I don't like to blog unless I've got something eventually positive to say, and in that vein, I enjoyed one of the featured articles on the Sparkpeople Blog today:
1. I'm reinventing my fitness program: I have tons of Firm DVDs, Couch to 5K and NOW I've added Yoga to the mix. There's a GREAT local yoga spot in the next town and I really like it. I'm going to invest in the 10 class card (4 month expiration) and go to as many Intro to Yoga classes they offer (right now, 2 a week, but I'll be lucky if I go to 1 a week) so I can learn the correct form in class, but I'm going to supplement it with a DVD and my *NEW* Gaiam beginner's yoga kit I bought yesterday from Amazon - complete with yoga mat, block and band. I'm psyched to get my TWIST on!
2. I'm refreshing my meal plan. But let me get real. I'm restarting even HAVING a meal plan after eating whatever the heck I wanted and suffering both in the bathroom and on the scale. I know what to do! I think we all do. We're all amateur nutritionists at this point in our life!! But I have to TAKE ACTION and LIVE it. Knowing it is not enough. So I'm going to try to keep in my daily calorie range and try to make sure that the QUALITY of my food matters more than the calories. Fresh veggies and fruits, whole grains, lean meats, some dairy, healthy fats, no fake crap. I also have a BAD Diet Pepsi addiction that I'd like to kick to the curb. I keep reading all these articles about how aspartame triggers insulin like real sugar and I have ENOUGH PROBLEMS with my blood sugar. So the plan is to phase out all sodas, even diet, and stick to iced tea, water with lemon and the occasional San Pellegrino with lime if I wanna get a little fancy now and then.
3. Re-evaluate my priorities. That means prioritizing exercise. According to big busy bearded Dr. Andrew Weil, if one has Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome and the Insulin Resistance/Metabolic Syndrome that goes with it, one needs to exercise 30-45 minutes every single day without exception. Every. Single. Day. On one hand, that's hard to swallow since I am convinced that I am the reincarnation of Cleopatra, or else why do I feel the need to lounge around, give orders, float on barges, wear a ton of eyeliner and play with snakes all the time?? On the other hand, in my past life, I didn't live very long and didn't get to be a middle aged perimenopausal broad with digestive and hormonal disorders that require daily exercise if I want a decent quality of life. AND any kind of hope of putting my body back in balance. So my inner-Cleopatra is going to have to come out in other ways, the lounging and floating on barges days are over. I've got lots of reasons to lose weight other than looking good in smaller pants. I am a pain in the butt -- I cannot be motivated by threats or promises. What motivates me is not wanting to feel miserable every day. That's the truth. That's my priority. Improve my daily quality of life. I would also like to get off all prescription drugs, and the only way to do that is to lose at least 100 pounds. So before I go looking for some wheat/sugar/fatbomb baked good, I am going to stop and think about getting the Big Pharma monkey off my back.
4. Return to my goals. I need to revisit and tweak them and that will be my "project" for this week. Yes, I'd like to lose weight and get off drugs but it would be nice to break my goals down into smaller attainable goals with REWARDS because rewards rock.
5. Rejuvenate my wardrobe: I did buy some new walking shoes. I also picked up a pair of quick-laces so my sneakers aren't an issue anymore. I am online looking for some cool plus size yoga gear because I don't want to be doing a downward facing dog and have my shirt come downward around my neck putting my smashed sports-bra encased boobs all out on front street.
I am also trying to let go of bitterness and resentment, they don't serve me at all and are a waste of energy that I can be channeling into positive things. YES it sucks that I can't do whatever I want without consequences. Yes it sucks that I'm not 17. Yes it sucks that if I want to be healthy I have to guide myself in better directions and stay away from things that are AWESOME in the moment but are HELL on my system. I'm an adult. I need to act like one and ACCEPTING THIS FACT is going to be key to my positive attitude. I had a lot of fun eating crappy food. You could say I've had more than my share. I'm not missing ANYTHING.
I **AM** unfollowing all kinds of recipe boards on Pinterest though, half the time I think the Devil himself posts some of that crap up there. I don't need to see that stuff!!!!!
I love Fall, it's my favorite favorite favorite time of year! I also seem to have that old "back to school, start over" mentality hard wired in my brain, so I always feel up for getting it together when the air gets a little crisper and the leaves start to change. Plus, FRESH APPLE CIDER!
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
I like to read a lot of different websites, from the ridiculous Hollywood gossip to literary to everything in between.
I found this great article today on XOJane.com, and while I wouldn't tell someone to SHUT UP about talking about how much their body sucks, I kind of agree that this way women bond is toxic and unhelpful.
"The effect negative self-talk has on us over time is so obviously corrosive that I think it should be treated as any other wildly unhealthy habit. We take great pains to hide so many self-destructive behaviors (eating disorders, drug addictions, self injury, etc) but this one is not only accepted but often encouraged by our peers."
I say all kinds of horrible stuff about my body, and as of RIGHT NOW, I'm not saying it out loud anymore. I'm going to try to stop thinking like it too, but BABY STEPS.
I already know I can't HATE myself into changing, I'll only rebel and self-sabotage which will fuel more self-hate.
Practicing radical self-acceptance means that I accept myself 100% right now, an aging fat woman with inconsistent effort at living a healthy lifestyle. I am not waiting to be the right weight or shape to accept myself. Does this mean I'm going to not make efforts to be healthy, strong and fit? Heck no! I'm not accepting myself so I can let myself off the hook and go to town on oreos.
I'm accepting myself so I DON'T go to town on oreos.
Acceptance is the kindest most compassionate thing we can give other people -- so many of my friends told me that one of the things they love about me is that I just take them as they are, warts and all, and love them and tell them they're okay. Don't I deserve this from myself, too??
So for today, as I try to create healthier habits and let go of self-destructive behavior, I also promise myself to let go of the self-destructive behavior of talking smack about my body. I'm a work in progress, and this journey is about progress, not perfection.
This body does amazing things: it makes music, it loves, it dances, it breathes without me thinking about it, it craves red meat sometimes, and it is round and soft and jiggly and has hairy big toe knuckles and blonde eyelashes. It loves being in the ocean. It moves to music without even thinking about it. It's pretty awesome.
If I were talking to my best friend, I would never say, "OMG your thighs are the size of an elephant's and your ass is huge and you look like the Buddha and your backfat needs a B-cup bra and let's name your lower abdominal roll of fat "The Awning" because everything under it is in the shade!" I have said all of this stuff to myself or to others in a joking manner as a knee-jerk defensive maneuver. I am such a Mean Girl to myself!
Not today. Not anymore.
I may still think it, but I'm not going to say it out loud anymore, I'm not going to make it okay to joke about my body, I'm just taking my body out of possible topics of conversation.
There are so many more interesting things to talk about! Like Argan Oil!
Thursday, July 25, 2013
I am pretty sure I wrote a blog entry on this subject before, but I'm too lazy to go back and find it.
I was talking to a sober friend via Facebook Chat yesterday and both of us were bitching about being heavy and out of shape. I was willing to whine and complain and talk smack about myself but he pulled some AA Jedi Mind Tricks on me and shut me up and got me thinking.
I'm like an AA expert (well, nobody's perfect, but I can say I've been to thousands of AA meetings and am very familiar with the program) and I know how to stay sober, I've been clean and sober for almost 18 years, and that is quite a huge success considering the statistics about alcoholics.
I know how to do this because I went to tons of meetings and received a lot of support and learned some huge concepts that are so simple that I don't know why I haven't been applying them to my eating disorder other than saying that I'm a bone-deep addict and I often "change seats on the Titanic" when it comes to my addictive behavior.
Food was my first addiction, though. Food was the first substance I used for "escape" and rebellious acting out. Food came before drugs, booze, shopping and inappropriate men. My mother controlled me through food, and for years I ate things she told me I wasn't allowed to eat as the world's biggest middle finger. I do not need to do that anymore, but it's hardwired in my brain and not the easiest thing to just simply stop.
But there's the things I know from AA that can help me right here, right now.
1) It's just for one day. I can do anything in one day that I don't think I can do for the rest of my life. For today, I can choose healthy foods and move for at least 10 minutes. I can avoid my trigger foods of sugar, wheat, and fried junk. No problem? One day??? I can do that. I can even do that TODAY.
2) Pick up the phone before I pick up the food, aka Check Yourself Before You Wreck Yourself. If I am craving something that isn't on my food plan, I need to stop and think before saying, "F**k it!" and grabbing it/eating it. I need to practice lengthening the space between wanting something and putting it in my mouth. In that space, I can ask myself if I really want it because I'm hungry or for another reason. If I'm feeding myself nutritious food, I'm probably not physically hungry. So if I'm not physically hungry, why do I want to eat that candy/snack/donut? I know what it tastes like, it can't be curiosity. Maybe I'm feeling something I don't want to feel? I can call someone to talk it out, write about it in a journal, I can sit through the feeling and get to the other side, feelings will not kill me but a lifetime of eating donuts willy-nilly will.
This leads me to:
3) FEAR. Fear can stand for "F**k Everything And Run" or "Face Everything And Recover." Feel my feelings, it's okay to feel bad. Feelings are like weather, they change, they pass. If I allow myself to honor my truth, stay on my own side, accept that I just feel bad or scared or anxious or bored or whatever in this moment, I won't NEED that sugary wheatbomb. Because I don't need it to live when there are so many other foods I CAN HAVE. I don't want to be the kind of person who constantly lives in a sugar-induced fog, just bobbing along in a low-grade pain because I don't have the guts to make the big changes I need to make because changes are scary. I want to be the kind of person that has the clarity to see the truth, and the strength to take small baby steps out of a rut. I want to be the kind of person who is really living and not overeating as a substitution for a passionate life.
Which leads me to:
4) Acting As If. Maybe today I'm not the person I mentioned above. But I can ask myself, "How would a person fully engaged in her life and not using food as a balm approach this menu?" It's an easy answer - a person who uses food as fuel would pick the items that had the least amount of added nonsense. A person who loves herself wouldn't stuff herself full of junk food and ignore the gorgeous veggies in her crisper. A person who is fully alive would connect with other people or delve into her art or meditate or exercise instead of diving into a bowl of junk food and watching hours of television to avoid reality.
I might not be that person today, but I can act like I am. I can fake it 'til I make it. I can look in the mirror and instead of going UGH I can act as if I am committed to my health and am confident in my success if I just do the next right thing. I can look in the mirror and give myself the big cheesy thumbs up.
Today I am going to act as if I have this weight loss thing as down pat as my sobriety. I have a bunch of tools, I have support, I have my higher power, I have a food plan.
Most importantly, I am willing to be open and honest about this journey, and I am willing to put myself firmly on the path.
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Fresh fruit and veggies -- 5-8 servings a day
whole grains other than wheat
Dairy in moderation
Aspartame in MINIMUM moderation
Consciousness of Portions
Enjoying what I eat
Learning new ways to prepare veggies
5-6 meals at home nightly & less take-out
Planning meals for the week ahead of time
Bringing lunch to work
Refined white sugar (candy, cake, cookies, donuts etc)
Refined white flour/wheat
Potato chips or other junk food
Hating my body
Turning pain into art
Exercise & Tracking it
Using my sponsor
7-8 hours of sleep
Being honest with myself
Medication until no longer necessary
Keeping a journal/Blogging
This could be really fun if I look at it like there are way more YES things than NO things on this list.
I did pretty well yesterday, last night: not so much. I didn't binge but I wasn't eating the best things, and caved when the boys clamored for pizza. I had two slices of pizza which is actually fine, but that was a white flour crust and YOU KNOW WHAT?? For today that's fine because after months of not paying attention to what I eat I'm not going to excoriate myself over minor details like that. I tracked what I ate. That's huge.
I woke up pretty early this morning but couldn't get it up to exercise. But I got up early, and that's a baby step since I usually lay in bed until the very last second before I have to leave the house for work. I used my extra time this morning to clean up the kitchen a little and marinate the steaks we're grilling for dinner, which is nice because (ANOTHER BABY STEP) I have actually planned what we're eating one day in advance so I knew what I needed to do to prep it this morning.
STRUCTURE! I am one of those people that HHHHHAAAAAATES structure but DESPERATELY NEEDS IT at the same time. Not enough to follow Sparkpeople's food plan for me, that's too much. But I need to make a plan for myself and stick to it. If I don't plan, I flounder and take the easiest way out: take-out. Can't control the ingredients and can barely control portion sizes.
I KNOW that my whole family would be healthier and happier if I planned and cooked every night. I wish I didn't resent or dread doing it -- mostly because of the time it takes away from me...HOWEVER, I believe that if I plan well enough in advance I can have some things prepared so when I come home I'm not spending two hours cooking and cleaning and wishing I was in the studio making jewelry.
If I were really nerdy I'd make a nightly schedule to squeeze in all the stuff I want to do before bed: dinner, minor chores, make jewelry, read my book, Motorchicken practice. Maybe I can't do everything I want every night, but if I make a schedule I can get what I need to do done so I can do what I want to do.
Most organized types will read the above and roll their eyes and think, "NO DUH, EINSTEIN!" but this does not come naturally to me. I'm a sparklefairy spiral-thinking ADD creative type who starts washing dishes and ends up alphabetizing CDs and thinks she's still cleaning the kitchen.
Anyway, I know what I'm doing for today: I have my healthy lunch, I'm drinking my water, I'm going to track my food, I have some fun tea to drink, my dinner is in the works, and after the kitchen is clean, I have band practice with my husband. If I feel like squeezing 10 minutes of exercise in, I will. But I might not, and that's okay, because I'm going slow.
Tomorrow I am getting up early again and tonight I will have my water bottle in the fridge and lay out my workout clothes so I can jump right in them and I will do 10 minutes of the treadmill tomorrow and if I'm feeling particularly ambitious, I'll do a Firm Express video, but 10 minutes is the commitment I'm making.
It's really hot outside, but the sun is shining and it's a new day. YAY!
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