Thursday, July 03, 2014
I've been fine without so many things, but not having half and half in my coffee is destroying me. I'm not even drinking coffee because drinking it black feels like a punishment.
Coconut milk "creamer" is sweetened and I LOATHE sweet coffee, so there really is no non-dairy alternative that isn't riddled with corn syrup solids or chemicals. I am sad.
Then I get mad because I think I'm crazy to want to cheat just for a DECENT CUP OF COFFEE when there's tea and stuff, but this will be an issue if it does turn out I'm allergic to dairy.
Wednesday, June 25, 2014
Last night was rough.
Yesterday morning started out with a bang: I actually got my ass out of bed, got down to my basement and did 20 minutes on my treadmill and then lifted some 8 lb. dumbbells: arms, shoulders, chest. My husband and sons have all these posters on the wall down there for a total body workout - different posters for different body groups, they're very helpful. After MONTHS AND MONTHS AND MONTHS of no official exercise (not counting walks with girlfriends), this was a huge huge win for me. Especially since it parlayed to another morning workout this morning (yay! I did Jillian Michael's 30-Day Shred, level 1, sort of, ouch!).
I had my morning protein shake, a great lunch of a grilled chicken breast and a huge salad and dinner was grilled free range/grass fed beef chunks, peppers and onions that I seasoned with "fiesta" seasoning and more salad. I turned the rest of the "fajitas" into a casserole for the rest of the family with rice and (snif!) cheese. I REALLY FRIGGIN MISS CHEESE, Y'ALL, but it's only 24 more days.
Then right around 9 o'clock it was like a WILD WOLF awoke in me, HOWLING FOR CHOCOLATE, something sweet ANYTHING. I had eaten a few green grapes at dinner (not many, I get sick of them fast) and my boys went up to the gas station and brought back three pints of Ben & Jerry's for themselves and their Dad and those beeeeyotches ate their ice cream while I felt like I was dying on the inside. I had a mental temper tantrum, "NOT FAIR! I HATE THEM! WHY AREN'T THEY FAT? OH YEAH, THEY RUN, WHATEVER, STILL MAD! WHY ME? I WANT IT WANT IT WAAAAAAH NOT FAIR!" for about three minutes and then did some deep breathing and remembered that this isn't forever, it's just for today. And if I could stay away from a drink or a drug for 18.5 YEARS than I can stay away from dairy, sugar, gluten for 25 more days, no sweat, it's all good.
I then remembered I had some brown rice crackers, so I went to the kitchen, got myself 8 of those bad boys (that's 1 serving) and dug a teaspon of natural peanut butter out into a bowl and very slowly ate my crackers dipped in peanut butter, and it was enough. It was well within my eating guidelines and it was enough to fill any lingering physical hunger that was triggered by major WAH I WANT IT desire for something that is not on my list.
So I am grateful today like I have been many mornings 18 years ago when I really wanted a friggin' drink and DID NOT DRINK. I never woke up sober saying, "DARN, I really should have gotten loaded last night!" I feel the same way about the ice cream. I am grateful that I didn't eat it and am not suffering for toughing it out. If anything, I'm stronger.
Today I'm running out at lunch to pick up more of those raw food ginger cookies that are so delicious and totally on my list! If I keep them around the house, there's a dessert.
I really need to go to bed earlier, it's just so hard for me. I want to live in a "Siesta country" where I can take a five hour nap in the middle of the day and another nap in the wee hours.
Monday, June 23, 2014
This elimination diet is no joke. I am already beginning to feel a difference in my energy levels, which is very gratifying.
I hit our local farmer's market on Saturday and picked up a TREMENDOUS head of curly red-leaf lettuce which is enough for two giant salads. The first one is almost gone since the whole family loved it.
I actually packed my lunch today and made sure I had a huge portion of salad and a nice dish of roasted veggies and leftover quinoa from last night's dinner.
My "baby" graduated from High School on Saturday and the whole family went out to dinner beforehand: we went for Thai (SUCH A FAVORITE!) and I did very well sticking to my parameters and avoiding gluten/dairy/sugar. I was momentarily HUGELY tempted by fried ice cream since there were no dessert alternatives for those of us doing the sugar-free thing. For one second I thought "I'm not too far into this, I can just go for it and start over tomorrow" and then I thought "AND THAT'S THE KIND OF THINKING THAT KEEPS ME FROM EVER SUCCEEDING!!!!!!!!!! RIGHT NOW! THAT'S WHERE I HAVE TO MAKE THE BETTER CHOICES." so I toughed it out and suffered some mild envy but that was soon overwhelmed by the feeling of BADASSERY because I actually was JUST FINE.
Later we went to Peachwave (one of those serve-yourself-frozen yogurt joints with a bazillion toppings) and I ignored the yogurt and went right to the toppings: my bowl had berries and walnuts and that's it, and it was delicious and I didn't feel left out even though everybody else had frozen yogurt.
And yes, some people had ice cream *AND* frozen yogurt just hours later, but they are 18 and go running, so.......I can be jealous but I'm not going to judge them!
This morning I made the most amazing smoothie with my Juice Plus Vegan Gluten Free Protein Powder, Almond Butter, Coconut Milk, and Coconut Oil. I'm calling it ALMOND JOYOUS because it was delicious and I'm still pretty full hours later!
I can do this for 26 more days.
Thursday, June 19, 2014
There's lots of things that suck about being fat. I've gotten over a lot of the shame about the way my fat looks, mostly because I dress well for my shape and I'm sassy as hell and I'm too old to be all that worried about it. My husband digs me, that's all that matters to me.
However, I'm sick of all the health issues I'm having and many of them may because of the foods I have been choosing to eat. Some of it is that my hormones are all fakakata: PCOS and perimenopause do a number on the body, not to mention IBS, possible arthritis but definite aches and pains and total lack of energy/wishing I could just lay on the floor until my ticket is punched.
I went to a new doctor who specializes in Functional Medicine: it's all about finding the ROOT CAUSE of the issue and not just throwing pharmaceuticals at the symptoms. I was told to go on a hard-core elimination diet for 30 days to see how I feel. I'm supplementing this diet with Juice Plus supplements from my doctor's office and the Juice Plus protein shake for breakfast (in addition to fruit or leftover veggies/protien from the night before.)
It's only 30 days. I can do anything for 30 days that I don't think I can do for the rest of my life. I'm going to journal about it here because I'm sure nobody's going to give a flying crap about it on my facebook newsfeed and I might get whiny.
I've been having issues with my insurance Health Savings Account debit card - some old charge Randy did back in 2013 has frozen the card and back in April I tried to get it fixed and they told me it was and then a few days ago I tried to use it and BOOM FROZEN. So I called them AGAIN and explained the situation AGAIN and they told ME again that they would fix it. I have to call them today to see if it's all straightened out because I need it to pay for the super-intensive blood work an NutrEval tests I'm taking. I have to spit in tubes and pee in bags and stuff. Apparently this is far more intensive than my primary care doctor looks for - we'll be checking for all kinds of toxins as well as hormone levels, etc.
What I REALLY LIKE about my doctor is she isn't so concerned about the number on the scale - she wants me to increase my muscle mass. Right now it's at a pathetic 22 and she wants me to get it up to 30. Conversely, my BMI is 45. D'OH! That would obviously go down as I increase my lean muscle mass. We used a machine (can't remember what it's called) to run an electrical current through my body to see how much resistance there was which then spit out a bunch of numbers talking about my water percentage and muscle mass/fat mass, etc. It was pretty interesting. So I don't care about the pounds I lose, I care about the muscle I gain, the blood sugar going lower and making sure that I avoid toxic stuff.
So this diet? I can eat whatever I want. As long as it's not Dairy, Sugar, Wheat/Gluten, Red Meat, Pork, Eggs, GMO's, non-organic veggies (as best I can) or pretty much anything else I love. HOWEVER I'm encouraged to not go hungry and I'm encouraged to stuff myself silly with non-starchy vegetables and low glycemic index fruits and there are tons of grains, beans, and
hey, I can eat an avocado every day. I can make this work for 30 days.
Today I got up and make a protein shake with Randy's Whey Protein powder and mixed it with unsweetened almond milk and some frozen blueberries and it was pretty good. I had a handful of almonds for a snack and some green tea and my lunch came from the local health food store. I'm drinking a beet/kale juice, having an apple and eating these raw sesame/date/coconut crackers - I can have 18 of them, which didn't seem like a lot since they're the size of a quarter but they're actually super tasty and I'm full. I have more nuts for later and tonight I'm making the mother of all salads and grilling up some free-range chicken and grilling some pears for desert. I can have some honey, so I'll drizzle the pears with honey and crushed walnuts.
I feel hopeful, scared, and motivated: I want to get through this 30 days because my baby sister's wedding is July 18th which would be day 30, there will be a ton of family around for the weekend and I'm sure there will be all kinds of social engagements with temptations galore, so I will get to recalibrate my food plan then and maybe let a few things back in.
Telling you right now, I am going to miss dairy the most. I didn't think I ate a lot of it, but yeah, cheese as a condiment, half and half in my coffee: I might as well stop drinking coffee if I have to drink it black, bleeegh and of course my daily greek yogurt.
Since muscle mass is my priority I think I'm going to put on one of my cheesy Firm videos and lift weights with the southern belles later. I committed to exercising 20 minutes a day for five days, the videos are a little longer but once I get started I will probably do the whole thing. Despite that I've been laying around like a beached manatee for months.
You know, I've been beating myself up about it for so long, I never stopped to think that my "laziness" could have a physical root cause: but the doctor told me it most likely does. So maybe I'm not a slug, maybe I've got low energy and achy joints and zero motivation to function because of dairy antibodies or some other food allergy or whatever.
It will be interesting to see if that's the case.
I am interested to see how I'll be feeling in two weeks once I'm used to this new way of eating and looking at food. The thing that makes it pretty easy is that there's a lot of variety in the very narrow hallway where I'm walkin' down. I'm having fun looking up raw food recipes and other gluten free vegan recipes: though I am *NOT* vegan, I'm just not eating any dairy/eggs.
I'm also feeling anxious because there's going to have to be a ton of effort on my part and that's not something I've really been all that willing to do before, but for today, I'm making myself a promise that I won't let myself down.
I deserve a strong, healthy body. I deserve to be off medications. I deserve to feel good every day and be full of natural energy. I deserve to have a functioning body. And that's the bottom line - I want my body to function the way it is, and it hasn't been -- for years. I'm so relieved that this doesn't have to be the rest of my life.
Thursday, January 02, 2014
Not too much more to say, the title says it all.
I've decided that I'm going to go back to Overeaters Anonymous, at least one meeting a week to kind of keep my head on straight. I know I'm a compulsive overeater, I know I use food to manage my feelings and to help me escape, and I know I'm not going to stop abusing food and my body unless I deal with the underlying crap.
I'm starting this year with a new attitude -- I'm not so much focused on a goal weight or a "number" in general, I'm not focused on the results - I'm far more interested in my BEHAVIOR, since it's my behavior that is making me/keeping me fat.
For today, I'm having three meals and a snack, nothing in between, I'm avoiding white sugar and flour, I'm avoiding processed food and I'm never eating a naked carb (protein every time I eat) to manage my blood sugar.
I'm also going to move a little. Even if it's just dancing in my kitchen while cleaning or going up and down the basement stairs myself instead of making my teenage boys do all my dirty work.
One day at a time. I can do anything in one day that I don't think I can do for a lifetime. So just for today, I've got my big girl panties on and my ass-kickin' boots and I'm putting one foot in front of the other and focusing on getting between right now and bedtime without behaving in any self-destructive goal-derailing ways.
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