LAWLI56   32,143
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Monday, May 05, 2008

I've got another mountain to climb tomorrow. It's the fourth anniversary of my daughter's death. I'll be at the hospice in the morning, but I plan to take some flowers to her grave in the afternoon.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

VIOLIZA 5/7/2008 10:16AM

    you are an amazing woman!!!!!!!!
all that you have been thru....I just cannot imagine!!!!!!
my prayers are with you.........
keep on keeping on...........
your such an inspiration
big hugs

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Monday, April 28, 2008

I feel a lot better today, not so tired, although I'm not sleeping well. I started a new fitness streak on Saturday... just 10 minutes cycling a day, Monday to Saturday. Hopefully as I feel better I'll gradually get it back up to 20 minutes over the next couple of weeks.


Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Looking at my face this morning, it's quite obvious that I've lost weight as it always drops off my face first. I don't feel as dizzy as yesterday, although I'm very tired and keep forgetting things, but I went out and got some shopping that I needed. I didn't feel much like it and it took me a long time to do it, but I did do it in the end.

I feel a bit like I'm in no-man's land. I can't go back cos it's a nightmare back there and I can't go forward because I'm being shot at and I'm out of ammunition. All I can do is wait for reinforcements and hope that they arrive soon.


Tuesday, April 22, 2008

OK, time to come clean. Recently I've been going through a review of my disability benefits(UK) and late last week I got a letter telling me that I no longer qualify so they had stopped them. I totally flipped and seriously felt like taking all the tablets in my house and just ending it all. I was so suicidal my Doctor called the Psychiatric Crisis Team out although I didn't end up in hospital, but it was a close call. Somehow despite feeling so bad I did have the sense to call for help.

Up until now I've just about been coping with my anxiety and depression without the need for medication, but now after 6 months of trying to avoid it, I've finally been pushed over the edge and my doctor prescribed citalopram (Celexa). I took my first dose this morning and right now I feel dizzy and weird. I'm told these symptoms will pass and that eventally I'll stop feeling so sad and hopeless again. I truly hope so because I don't want to continue to feel like this. I really don't know if I have the strength to claw my way out of this black hole again, but I have to keep trying.

At least I don't have to worry about overeating right now because I don't feel like eating, period and I'm not even making the bottom of my calorie range most days. This is one reason why I know how serious this is because the only time I haven't wanted to eat before is when I've been seriously ill or very depressed.


Thursday, April 17, 2008

Well the 8lbs has evaporated as quickly as it came and I've lost another 2lbs thank goodness, so it must just have been due to fluid retention from the prednisone. Now down to 303.8lbs and a BMI of 49, with a total loss to date of 91.2lbs.

However, I'm having a really bad time with my depression and anxiety at the moment, due to circumstances beyond my control. But I won't let it affect my weight, no matter what. Losing these last 4lbs has been a real struggle and I'm not about to let it go back the other way without a fight.


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