Monday, July 14, 2014
I have mentioned this before but I am still tired. I am in an eternal state of exhaustion from trying to balance everything in life . I am having a particularly difficult time this term of grad school. I am sooooo not fond of one of my professors. I am taking 2 classes per term so that I can power through this degree in the shortest amount of time possible and last term, it was do-able. It wasnít easy thatís for sure, but it was do-able . This term is brutal. My Intro to Accounting professor seems to think that her students have all the time in the world to learn accounting. That is a complete fallacy. I work 40+ hours per week depending on any projects that I have on hand. I am thrilled that skating ended just as this class started. I am training for a half marathon, which I just started so luckily we are still at low mileage. I am trying to keep some semblance of a social life since Iíve only been with my boyfriend for a year and a half. The social life that I do have isnít the greatest. Honestly, there isnít much time for that. We have to plan everything we do according to my workload. I feel guilty about that even though he says heís happy with it. I just want this school stuff done. Iím not even sure that getting an MBA is going to help me in my career. To be honest, I donít even know what I want to be when I grow up and Iím in my 30ís. I just keep running around in circles trying to make money. I always figured that if you canít be happy at what you do, at least make money. Well, Iím falling very short of that considering my undergraduate degree and what I should be making financially. My undergraduate degree is chemical and ocean engineering. I work in sales, selling lab equipment to companies in Russia. Not very pretty and not a money-maker. But still a step up from when I was an ďengineerĒ in the factory. Go figure. So I am so frustrated with my accounting professor, that all I want to do is eat. She makes this very depressing. I try hard to get good grades and itís not good enough. She wants all this extra work done that I just donít have time for. I canít even tell you how nasty my bathroom was cause I didnít have time to clean because of all this homework. I went to her and told her the situation I found myself in and she just said to try my best. She puts happy face emoticons on everything she says even if itís belittling. I should mention that itís an online MBA program which is usually very good for me. She expects everything perfect but thatís not rational. Told me to indent in a software program that doesnít use the tab key. Come on Ė now I have to manually do the space bar a whole bunch of times. Stupid. I was skipping a line instead. Itís these little things that do affect my grade that is frustrating. Then I get ready to either eat or cry and since Iím not a crier, I head to that kitchen. Itís usually bone dry of treats and goodies so all I can eat is healthy food, but I could drown my sorrows in an entire tub of peanut butter which is really bad. I have 6 weeks to get through this class and then I hope to never have this professor again. Itís amazing what she is expecting. I thought statistics class was bad but at least the professor was nicer. This woman is not. My grades in my other class are showing signs of the pain too. I donít have the time to put into that class as well. Iím going to be a zombie for 6 weeks. As a relief, I have my Jimmy Buffett concert with my mom and boyfriend this coming Saturday and I canít wait !! Thatís a pretend metal vacation. No schoolwork going on then so I have to be sure I get a lot done before. So that is my current #GradSchoolProblems. I cannot wait to be done with this and if I can continue 2 classes per term, I should be done by January 2015 (I think). And I will NEVER go back to school again. 6 more weeks of trying to fight the emotional eating. Fingers crossed.
Thursday, July 03, 2014
I had a rough niteís sleep last nite so Iím tired. That means Iím quite irritable as well. I got up early enough to do my Insanity DVD but just felt too poopy to do it. I just got back from a skating competition in Michigan and my schedule was off so I didnít get much exercise except some walking and my pushups/situps combos in the hotel and my meals were way off. I didnít feel like I had eaten well enough but I did try to make sure I had more veggies, fruits, and proteins then anything else but it just wasnít great. I had my boyfriend treat us to some yummy cupcakes from the cupcake shop and I had about a bottle of wine throughout Sunday when I got home. Monday morning I decided to see the damage and was completely shocked that I actually lost 1.5lbs. I started back up my workouts Monday and eating right and for whatever reason (to make sure I didnít gain probably), I got on the scale Wednesday. Up that half pound. Then I ate well Wednesday. Decided to check that fluke from the day before and UGH up another half pound. WTF? I am back to doing things right and Iím gaining? So being exhausted, that really went straight to the heart. I feel so terrible about the gaining. Itís very confusing and I suddenly am at an impasse with my weight. How does it happen that when I try so hard that I gain and when I chill, I lose? It is time to chill for the weekend and start over again on Monday. I have been getting compliments on the weight and Iíve been noticing my strength getting better. Iím actually on my way to an unassisted pull-up. Huge goal. So I donít want to stop anything that Iím doing because I want to keep getting stronger. I will take this weekend and enjoy the 4th of July holiday with friends and family and stop worrying. I will only go for runs or hikes with friends and that will be my exercise for now. (ok, probably some push-ups and crunches). There is no reason to feel poopy.
I was looking online at some articles and saw one about a woman named Bethany Townsend who suffers from Crohns disease and has so many surgeries and ailments due to that throughout her life. She has ended up losing most of her bowels and lives with 2 colostomy bags. She is a beautiful woman and a fighter and got tired of living her life hiding from these bags. She took photos of herself in a bikini while on vacation in Mexico and posted it on Facebook. She then sent that to Crohn's and Colitis UK who put the photo on their Facebook page. She has had so many people thank her and provide her support and just being someone to fight the issues of body embarrassment. This article did come at a good time as a good reminder for me that I really have nothing to complain about. So Iím overweight. Yup. Been that way all of my life. At one point, yeah, my blood pressure was high and so was my cholesterol but I was never really sick. Iíve never had any of these serious life threatening issues that so many people have suffered with. I read through the comments and they are people living with the same problems as Townsend and thanking her for being strong and being a role model. And here I was feeling bad because my weight isnít where I want it. But I have my bowels. I have my health and now I have my muscles. All of these people have something that they could complain about and let it get them down. And yet, they continue fighting. They are very strong people and I am impressed and amazed at their perseverance. They give me something to look up to.
Iím not saying that Iím not allowed a down day here and there. Iím tired. Iím exhausted. Iím very stressed out with school and trying to keep up with everything thatís going on, including taking care of myself. I can be unhappy with my body and feel bad about it once in awhile. I do know that my problems are controlled. I control my diet and exercise. Someone with Crohnís Disease has very little control over what is going on with their body. Itís just the right perspective for today. Iím not going to feel like a champ today. Thatís ok. I know, somewhere in my head, that I am a champ enough for working out hard like I do and eating to have lost 15lbs in 6 months. Slow loss? Very. But itís still a loss.
Wednesday, June 11, 2014
I'm so proud of my wonderful boyfriend. He's not much for working out. Quite honestly, he prefers the exact opposite. While I want to spend my free time exercising, he's happy sitting home playing video games. We talk about him working out. Part of him wants to. Or at least wants to want to. LOL. He has said that after my 5k's, he gets a little hint of wanting to workout but that never lasts long. Last week, I made the decision to start Insanity. Just adding it to my already overloaded schedule but I want to be able to get up early and get something done consistently, so doing a program will make that happen. I told him on Friday that Insanity starts this week. He doubted a bit. Monday nite (I can't get to bed until late on Sunday's so my start day for most anything is Tues), that Insanity starts Tuesday morning at 6:15am. He was shocked and totally unprepared. Said to wake him up and see what happens. I know he didn't have his shorts (hasn't found them since the move) and he just wasn't ready. I let him sleep while I did crazy insane cardio. He was a little bothered that I didn't wake him. He went out and bought new shorts, which he needed anyway for our obstacle course run on Saturday, and said to wake him up. So I did. We got our behinds moving at 6:30am with 2 small furry animals trying to help/play. I was so proud of him for getting through that workout! There is nothing easy about Insanity, including the stretch. I'm already exhausted from the "warm-up". He's afraid he will be sore but he has agreed that he's getting up early with me tomorrow as well. This helps me get up as well as helping him get active. I love it!! So happy for him!!
Now - my running coach came to a few of us in our group and asked us if we'd be up for training for a half marathon. WHAT?!?!?! Is she crazy? I have never had any desire to run more than 7 miles and that was only to train for a 10k but now 13.1 miles? Who does that? And out of the 4 of us that were asked, only 1 said oh sure. The other 3 of us need convincing. Since she dropped the idea on me 1st during our 3 mile run last Saturday, I've had more time to think about it. I will say that the only thing that training for a half marathon does for me is gets me ready to do one of the Disney half marathons. I mentioned that it sort of changed the atmosphere. Those girls wanted to do that as well. But a half marathon? I never ran more than 6.5 miles. And I did terribly at my 10k race. I was miserable. Could I really make it through 13 miles? This is a 12 week training class that she wants us to do which while isn't long, it is. It's a huge commitment, especially for Saturday's long runs. It's insane that I am even considering it. But when I think about being able to say that I did that - kind of like the idea. Ugh, I just don't know. I've been sort of asking people what they think and only my mother told me that I might be making a mistake. She didn't want me doing anything else crazy that would take up my time. I am kind of busy to 100%. Each moment of my life is basically scheduled for the near future. And it's all timed properly. Again, I'm so not sure I can do it. I've never really wanted to. But now that it's kind of a choice, do I go for it? Or do I live happily knowing that I have accomplished some obstacle course 5k's, some regular 5k's, and a 10k (maybe another one this year)? I am content with how far I have come. Oh the decisions. This is a doozy of a decision. Any thoughts you might have to share would be more than welcome!!! Please help!
Friday, June 06, 2014
these little buggers are sitting on my desk calling my name. I'm fighting them but I want them. Wanting them is why they are still sitting here and haven't been put somewhere else. My office has 4 people in today, they will notice that I was the one who put them up for grabs when our Irina (who is currently working in our office because life in Ukraine is far too scary) handed them out specifically. I don't want to be "that guy". I'll bring them home to my bf and he'll be happy but for now I pride myself on my strength. So yummy looking....
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