Friday, June 04, 2010
So much going on in life I am overwhelmed and afraid of way too much. I dont know how people are so good to face life straight on and deal with whatever comes, and keep going.
I just want to stop and get off this wild ride called life some days and just be still and not think of anything.
I know it is a control thing for me and I keep telling myself I cannot control WHAT happens but I CAN control how I DEAL with what happens.
Today I am overwhelmed with my daughter being ill. Cant seem to quit bawling. I feel such a sense of not being in control to help her and I am worried sick for her. Nothing will comfort me.
She is having so many symptoms and has been in the hospital and now released. She got MRSA which is a severe staff infection then was allergic to the Septra they gave her. So many things have happened with her in the past 2 weeks or so. Now they think it is lupus. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably last night and she was pretty worried.
I have been so blessed in my life to have 4 kids with no illnesses as they were growing up and now, at 30, my daughter is ill. My heart goes out to those parents who have youngsters who are going through such illnesses and cannot help their child. I have never felt like this before. It is always strange for me to deal with new feelings... The unfamiliarity of so many feelings I am having is overwhelming me. I dont know if that makes sense.
When our kids are small and get sick or hurt we put a band aid on them or make a bed on the couch and hold their hair back while they vomit...just the things to help them get through their illness or injury.
But I can only do so much living 1700 miles away and waiting for the outcome of what this illness is for her. So I am doing what I can which includes lots of praying, phonecalls and talking with my sweet husband who will listen to me worry and cry.
I went to have lunch with him today as I got off work early and told him I cannot stop thinking of our girl and feel so sad for her and wonder how bad this will be for her. How I dont want to see her in pain and have a harder life.
He said all the right things to me. I keep going over his words and am trying to deal with this.
Maybe once we know what is REALLY wrong with her and have a diagnosis then I can go straight on and deal with all this in my head. I just love her so much and wish I could make things better for her.
I guess once a mom, always a mom.
Life goes on as we live in our little house and have tenants renting our new house next door. It is all I can do to look over there sometimes and know they are there and I am here. I am , however grateful that we are still on our land and are not living in town. We can still work our property and make plans on what we want to do. Keivn has been great and I dont know what I would do if he missed the new house as much as I do!
Trying to live in a 540 square foot cottage compared to a 2000 square foot house is quite the change. I remind myself that people in New York City live in small places and I have managed to store things in decorative wooden hat boxes and things you would not know there is storage in! Nothing is stacked and out of place. It looks like a cozy little cottage. It is home as I have made it mine. I know some folks would go crazy living in a small place with their spouse. I am lucky to have someone I like as well as love to hang out with!
OK...feeling better after blogging....:)