LAURIE1076   21,069
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LAURIE1076's Recent Blog Entries

YIKES! Where have I been??

Saturday, March 02, 2013

Gosh I am not realizing how long it has been since I have been to SPARKS! Shame on me! Life has been crazy busy and spending too much time on face book and Pinterest I guess. Ha! Lost the 60 and gained 10 of it back so I am back at the gym and on my meal plan. Still have not reached my goal but feeling hopeful.
Life is busy as I have my own house cleaning business and am doing well with that. I also do a couple buildings with hubs twice a week so working day and night is a bummer but we are BACK in the house we built so we are being blessed!!
Kevin has been going to the gym with me so that is helping me be good. He is only a few pounds from his goal. He ordered a pizza today and I had ONE piece and then made a salad. Ugh. PIZZA!! I know he should be able to enjoy things and am doing well to just eat ONE piece! It is tough losing weight all week only to gain it back over the weekend!
I have missed many friends on here and hope to re-connect with those friends as well as maybe even make some new ones! I KNOW Sparks works. I will never deny that!! emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELA1953 3/10/2013 8:50PM

    I am so happy to hear that you are back in your dream home!!! I have not been doing well weight-wise at all, but I will never give up! WE CAN DO IT!!!

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Here I am again...

Wednesday, December 29, 2010

Well here I am again. Starting at the top. The top of my weight that is. I have managed to eat myself into oblivion and gain all the weight back I had lost. Now here I sit in my "fatty mcfat" clothes as I call them and hate myself for this self mutilation. This sucks.
I am now 52 years old and have battled this war for most of my life. When will I ever change? I look into my mirror and I dont know that person! Who is she? It looks like me but with so much weight it is like I am somehow distorted.
I want this. I have to want this enough to care morning noon and night. To make a change and feel like I deserve it. To not feel so "beneath" other people who live at a normal weight every day. To not want to go places because I feel like I will be the fattest one.
I put off a surgery because I didnt want to go be so fat in the surgery room. How stupid is that?
I finally managed to get it done 3 weeks ago and was so embarrassed to even go for my check up yesterday.
None of my clothes fit me anymore. I know how this happened. I did it to myself.

Now it is the next step to get myself doing SOMETHING about it.

Better get to work. I dont want to be late.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELA1953 1/11/2011 8:38PM

    I hear ya Laurie- We can do this together.... I don't have any of my old mcfatty clothes so I had to buy a minimum amount ... We just have to pick ourselves up and get back on the road and out of the "funk gutter".... Love ya!!!!

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SMARTQT05 12/29/2010 2:33PM

    you can do this! remember that all it takes is getting back on the wagon one more time than you fall off. 2011 is your year! you deserve this!

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BELLALUCIA 12/29/2010 2:28PM

    You can do it hon!

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ROTTLADY 12/29/2010 2:27PM

    I am so there with you. When I look into the mirror which isn't often that person looking back isn't me. That is not how I look in my mind.Self esteem issues continue to palgue me and I know I am my own worst enemy. I would be worse off without spark!Each day we get a fresh start on a journey to a new us. emoticon emoticon

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KNITTOBETHIN 12/29/2010 11:29AM

    Hi Laurie...

A huge welcome back from me too. I have been fighting the same fight you have and am so tired of looking at my too round face in the mirror every day. Maybe your enthusiasm will give me the spur I need to shake myself into action. emoticon

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SUSANSLIFE 12/29/2010 10:30AM

    Oh. Laurie! I am so glad to see you back!! Must be mental telepathy because I am coming back, too --- a long hiatus when everything just got too much for me. And sometimes just participating in spark seems like a full-time job.....

I hope you had a wonderful Christmas with your family --- any news to share? I hope things have settled down from your surgery and that you are well again from that. And I hope 2011 brings wonderful jobs for you and Kev.

Big hugs,

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The Hits Just Keep on Comin'...

Friday, July 09, 2010

Our son called. He is serving in the US Marine Corp, stationed in New York. He has a lovely wife and 2 small children. Aaron is our only son.
He has been having some problems in his head with flashes of light then a severe headache, any time he has any kind of energy he exerts.
He went to 2 doctors and they tried to tell him he was dehydrated and he KNEW that was not it. He has served in the Corp. for 7 years and he is aware of such things. He is a 6 foot 3 man who works out everyday and knows his body.
Finally he talked the doctor into a CAT scan. That night the CAT scan was reviewed and the doc called and said to go see a Neurologist. They found some cysts in his brain and fluid in that part of his brain and running down his spine that should not be there. They said that could be viral and not serious but should not make the pain and flashes of light come to him.
So he has more tests next week. He was taken off his flight and is at home, and not to do anything, pretty much.
They will total scan every part of his brain as they are afraid it could be an aneurysm. I am scared to death.
Our daughter has been ill for a couple of months now as she got MRSA which is a staff infection and was treated with an anti biotic which apparently she had a re-action to. She is a nurse and went into diabetes type 2 and possible has lupus. They had her on steroids for several weeks so we are still waiting for the tests to be run on her.
I just feel like WHAT NEXT???
They say when God closes a door he opens a window. I think I am on lockdown. :(

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEACHTUDE 7/11/2010 7:30PM

    I'm sorry to hear about all this for you... I'm sending up some prayers!


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BEACHTUDE 7/11/2010 7:29PM

    I'm sorry to hear about all this for you... I'm sending up some prayers!


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-WISPY- 7/10/2010 9:23PM

    As always Laurie you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Love Wispy

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2NEWSTARTAGAIN 7/10/2010 1:48PM

    My prayers are with your whole family, my heart goes out to you all.

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LADYIRISH317 7/10/2010 12:05PM

    I'm so sorry for all that's happening to you and your family. I hope things improve soon.

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KNITTOBETHIN 7/10/2010 6:01AM

    Will be praying for you and your family for sure Laurie. I can't think of anything worse than going through this kind of a scare.

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G.I.JANE 7/9/2010 9:33PM

    Praying for your Family as well. emoticon

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ANSING 7/9/2010 8:54PM

    I'll be keeping you and your family in my thoughts and prayers. I hope it turns out to be nothing serious.

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ROTTLADY 7/9/2010 8:03PM

    Your spark family will be here to offer prayers and support in any way that you need it. Sending healing prayers for your son and some peace of mind to you and hubby.

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SUSANSLIFE 7/9/2010 5:33PM

    Gosh, Laurie, that does freak you out! I'm praying those cysts will turn out to be nothing dangerous. Let me give you one glimmer of hope: I would befar more worried if they gave him emergency CAT scans and emergency MRI's. I've worked in hospitals and also had a lot of both tests, and I can tell you they would have squeezed Aaron into the schedule the same day they saw these cysts, if they were fairly certain he had an aneurysm. The fact that they are letting it go into next week is actually good news even though it doesn't sound like it to you.
Blessings to you Laurie. Stay strong, I know you can get through this.

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LITTLEBUTTON09 7/9/2010 5:19PM

    flashes of light and then headache..that sounds like migraines to me. Hope all turns out well.

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Sinking again

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

I guess I put up that picture of Humpty Dumpty because thats how I feel lately. I have flashes of feeling good about my life and I can see some good things but I dont feel like I am moving anywhere. Like I am not going forward.
THis recession kicked us on our butts. My job is killing me most days and I am tired all the time. The diet is a joke and lately my husband isnt even making me happy...not his fault, but mine. He keeps asking me what is wrong and what do I say? I HATE my life?? He will take the brunt of that and feel bad because of the job situation and then HE will be a mess too. Then once again I wont be able to deal with how I feel because I will have to be nurturing his needs.
I just need a break that isnt coming. I just need to lose this damn weight and FEEL BETTER! I start off every day with a diet and end up eating at night and ruining it. WHY DO I DO THAT?
Happiness comes in spurts and is not lasting. I KNOW it is up to me to find that. I KNOW I am lucky or blessed or however you choose to say. I have a great hubby who loves me. He does nice things and says nice things. He flirts with me and would give me the world if he could.
My kids are great and I adore them. Our grandkids are precious to me.
Then why do I feel like I am in a hole trying to get out but canot get the energy to scramble up the side and get out?? Maybe I dont feel like I am worth it or something...I really dont know.
I know what to do to lose the weight. I have friends on Sparks who have done it and show me such good examples of progress .
Then I read others posts and my heart aches for them. I have so many blessings, and I sound like I am ungrateful for my life and just pushing the good things I have to the side or something.

My thoughts are all scambled and going through my head so quickly. I get so angry at myself for the jealously I feel when someone loses weight and I let myself be stuck here. They DESERVE to be thin as they have WORKED for it. Nothing is free and weight loss is a constant struggle and a daily thing. It is not easy for pretty much anyone. I know as I have lost probably hundreads of pounds in my life. Now I let myself gain most of my weight back and I look in the mirro and am horrified. WHO IS THAT PERSON???
I have to find a way to get back on track. I think it starts with caring about me and thats where I find myself falling into that hole.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

LADYIRISH317 7/9/2010 10:25AM

    ((((((((((Laurie)))))))))), I'm so sorry things are going so badly for you right now. I wish I knew what to say to make you feel better.

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-WISPY- 7/7/2010 9:43PM

    Hi honey, when depression and low self-esteem hit, it doesnt seem to matter what or who we have in our lives - nothing seems to make us feel any better. I have been there too. Even with the money - but I did not like myself and I was never really happy except for brief glimpses.

Once I began on the journey of liking myself and improving my self esteem I did begin to feel better. I also did need medication to help with the long term depression though.

Loving thoughts Wispy.

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SUSANSLIFE 7/7/2010 8:44PM

    Laurie, you have such wisdom and understanding about what we are going through. Everything you say is right on the money and completely honest. You have a great deal of insight into your situation and what other people have done or are doing. I will say, though, that part of the difference between how you react and how your husband reacts is that you are wired differently. I think many women who struggle with weight issues are very sensitive, deeply feeling and intuitive. When we are down, we can get very down, when we are happy we can be very happy. We can see a photo of a hurting child and get teary; struggles of other people, whether we personally know them or not, are our struggles, too. Although being extra sensitive is difficult to deal with when life slaps us with more than we can handle, when the good times roll, we feel them more deeply and are more grateful. Mosr men tend to have fewer highs and lows and just mellow out in the middle range. But for us who hurt painfully when we're down, the joys of the good times take us to much higher heights than the mellow fellows will ever know. Hang in there, don't criticize yourself, just do the best you can with each day. Things WILL get better. Love, Susan

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ROTTLADY 7/7/2010 4:44PM

    You are a beautiful wonderful person and that has nothing to do with your size of clothing. I have the same eating problems at night. Wish I had the wonderful loving husband. Counting our blessings doesn't help when you feel empty of angry with yourself or the world. Just know these feelings will pass and things will be better.I have never been a drinker but I say the serenity prayer daily along with some others to try and get through the day.We are here so talk or rant whenever needed.

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SWEET-T 7/7/2010 10:05AM

  Your not alone, the thing I have to remember is life is not just about what size I am. Life is about living and being happy. Weight is just one part of that. We have to enjoy life while we get fit. I am going to thrive while I work on weight and spend my days enjoying the good things in my life like a good husband who cares and kids I love who love me. Life isn't food, that has been my problem, focus on the thing till it is an obsession. It is just food, life is so much more than that. emoticon

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Ups and Down and Hoping.

Friday, June 04, 2010

So much going on in life I am overwhelmed and afraid of way too much. I dont know how people are so good to face life straight on and deal with whatever comes, and keep going.
I just want to stop and get off this wild ride called life some days and just be still and not think of anything.
I know it is a control thing for me and I keep telling myself I cannot control WHAT happens but I CAN control how I DEAL with what happens.
Today I am overwhelmed with my daughter being ill. Cant seem to quit bawling. I feel such a sense of not being in control to help her and I am worried sick for her. Nothing will comfort me.
She is having so many symptoms and has been in the hospital and now released. She got MRSA which is a severe staff infection then was allergic to the Septra they gave her. So many things have happened with her in the past 2 weeks or so. Now they think it is lupus. Her hands were shaking uncontrollably last night and she was pretty worried.
I have been so blessed in my life to have 4 kids with no illnesses as they were growing up and now, at 30, my daughter is ill. My heart goes out to those parents who have youngsters who are going through such illnesses and cannot help their child. I have never felt like this before. It is always strange for me to deal with new feelings... The unfamiliarity of so many feelings I am having is overwhelming me. I dont know if that makes sense.

When our kids are small and get sick or hurt we put a band aid on them or make a bed on the couch and hold their hair back while they vomit...just the things to help them get through their illness or injury.
But I can only do so much living 1700 miles away and waiting for the outcome of what this illness is for her. So I am doing what I can which includes lots of praying, phonecalls and talking with my sweet husband who will listen to me worry and cry.
I went to have lunch with him today as I got off work early and told him I cannot stop thinking of our girl and feel so sad for her and wonder how bad this will be for her. How I dont want to see her in pain and have a harder life.
He said all the right things to me. I keep going over his words and am trying to deal with this.
Maybe once we know what is REALLY wrong with her and have a diagnosis then I can go straight on and deal with all this in my head. I just love her so much and wish I could make things better for her.
I guess once a mom, always a mom.

Life goes on as we live in our little house and have tenants renting our new house next door. It is all I can do to look over there sometimes and know they are there and I am here. I am , however grateful that we are still on our land and are not living in town. We can still work our property and make plans on what we want to do. Keivn has been great and I dont know what I would do if he missed the new house as much as I do!
Trying to live in a 540 square foot cottage compared to a 2000 square foot house is quite the change. I remind myself that people in New York City live in small places and I have managed to store things in decorative wooden hat boxes and things you would not know there is storage in! Nothing is stacked and out of place. It looks like a cozy little cottage. It is home as I have made it mine. I know some folks would go crazy living in a small place with their spouse. I am lucky to have someone I like as well as love to hang out with!

OK...feeling better after blogging....:)

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MELA1953 6/5/2010 8:41PM

    Laurie- you and your daughter are in my thoughts and prayers. Since I have no children, I cannot know what you are going through, but I have been through some trials and tribulations; some I handled well and some not so much... You have the support of your husband and the rest of your family- that counts for a lot... You also have the support of your SparkFriends- we may not be there physically for you, but we are there in spirit- rooting you on!!!
I am glad you got renters and, although it is hard to look at your dream house, at least it is still yours.. The cottage is what you make it- and you said you made it a home... good for you!!!! Just hang in there, girlfriend, and remember you are not alone... Good luck to you...
Hugs, Mellie

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ANSING 6/5/2010 6:29PM

    My wish for you is peace and strength to get through these days, and a healthy outcome for your daughter.

I'll be keeping you all in my thoughts and prayers.

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ROTTLADY 6/4/2010 11:08PM

    As a parent we all feel helpless after our children leave the nest. I worry about mine all the time. I have some illnesses that could be inherited and worry that they could end up suffering with them.I hope she gets a good diagnosis and that your worry comes to a good end. I will send prayers your way for both you and your daughter.They tell us god doesn't give us more then we can handle and you are doing a fantastic job of coping. Having to rent out your house should be a short term thing because I pray the economy recovers and people are able to get back to work. My oldest son does custom paving and has been out of work.Your husband is a good man and a real rock.Your cottage sounds small but it is filled with love.Remember your blessings as well as the challenges.You can do it and we here at sparks look forward to hearing from you. Let us know how your daughter is doing?

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SUSANSLIFE 6/4/2010 10:09PM

    Laurie, you are doing a great job of getting through this! Prayers going up for your beautiful daughter (I saw their pictures and you have 3 beautiful daughters and one very handsome son!). You are living through a mother's worse nightmare, not knowing what the actual illness is, being so far away, and struggling with your own life problems.

It sounds like a good sign that your daughter was released from the hospital. All of us have a burden to bear in this life, and sometimes they turn out to have silver linings. I think your daughter may find that whatever this awful illness is, she will come out stronger on the other side of this life-changing event. Think of your 540 square foot home: you have made it cozy and comfortable with your great sense of style and creative ways to combine extra storage where you wouldn't expect it. And when you look across at your beloved house that is rented, just visualize the dollar bills flowing from the tenants over to you, and how this is helping you hold on to the house and land.

So many times I have had to deal with terrible problems, but I look back and realize they all shaped me into the woman I am today. May God grant you and your daughter the serenity to get through these tough times and to come out more powerful on the other side.

Susan> emoticon

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