Thursday, February 03, 2011
Over the past years, many articles and ideas have come out about grief and the grieving process.
Recently loosing my little ray of sunshine , my dog "Teddy" ( my baby), I experienced a grief like no other. I had been off work just the year before due to an injury and had spent the entire time ( 18 months)with this little guy as my constant companion. When I was suffering the most, he was the only one I wanted around. He gave me comfort and, yes, even someone to talk too.
One week was all we had from finding out he had a rare form of throat cancer to having to release him from terrible suffering. I held him in my arms when he died and still feel the emptiness. Sometimes I think, "If only I could hold him just one more time."
FOOD became a comfort to me and I began eating almost as often as I cried.
After crying almost non stop for 2 weeks, bursting into tears at the mention of his name,and eating chocolate, and sweet foods eachtime, I started using the internet to read anything I could on how and why I felt so utterly sick inside.
What I read was that when we feel a loss we look to other things for comfort, I read that being angry is normal, I read that we all handle it differently, I read that there is a plan and we just don't understand, I read that other people have gone through it and I am not alone, I read .............yada yada yada... WHAT I READ was that people are even more screwed up and unsure of why we do things that hurt us when we are hurting and grieving than I am.
What I learned for myself and by myself , well that's what matters.
It took me 2 months to understand, that it was ok to feel bad and even more ok to console myself with chocolate or sweets to feel better. Every single person experiences grief differently and if you are a person like me that uses food for comfort, well then so be it. . Grief, depression, food are a vicious circle. I am sad , so I become depressed , I am depressed so I eat, I eat which makes me sad , I am sad so it makes me depressed, I am depressed so I eat even more ..... Not only is it a circle but it is a downward spiral if you keep getting upset because you eat, on top of being already depressed.
The point is , you need to be able to be honest with yourself and see where you are and where you are going. If you are sad and food makes it better that don't make yourself feel worse for making yourself feel better by food.
I would not recommend this approach for long term depression, obviously, that is a matter best left up to the so called " experts." I am talking about grief and sadness which we need to work out for ourselves at our own pace and in our own way.
Give yourself credit for knowing whats best for you. Allow yourself grief, allow yourself food, but most of all allow yourself time.
Monday, January 11, 2010
I would never call myself a choc-a-holic, but I do like chocolate very much. After reading the benefits of dark chocolate I decided to try changing. As a child I detested dark chocolate, so at first I resisted. However as I began purchasing only dark chocolate 70%, whenever I got cravings it was not as good as my beloved milk chocolate but I guess I can say I got used to it.
The other day, after starting SP and wanting to be good with my eating habits, I was shopping and spotted a bar of dark chocolate 99%. WELL!! I thought, that's great . 99% cocoa wow perfect. I got home and later that evening my husband and I decided to try it.
CAN YOU SAY DIRT. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT TASTED LIKE. .. Boy did that ever bring back memories of eating mud pies with my brother when I was 3. LOL...
So back to dark chocolate 70%.
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Have you ever passed in front of a mirror, only to stop and take a long look at yourself, and then broken into tears because of the size of the strange person staring back at you. How often have you looked at your reflection wanted to shout, "That's not me. I just can't be that person." Well, my dear, " THAT IS YOU."
My 'SIZE PROBLEM," hit rock bottom a few years ago when I was in my livingroom and passed in front of a large wall mirror. I had just gotten off the couch when I noticed a large object reflected in the mirror, and it was me. I began to cry. Where had this , dare I say it " fat " person come from. I had been a size 8, 125 pound woman just years before. How had 70 pounds crept up on me in a matter of 10 years. Well, I used all the excuses too. I was becoming middle age, I was starting my change years , my life was busy so fast food was the only thing I had time for..bla bla bla.. You can talk yourself to deaf with all the excuses. The point is, after I looked at myself, I looked at my family and for the very first time I realized we were all FAT.
As a mother what was I doing to my boys. As a wife why was I not bugging my husband about his ever bulging waist line, and as a person , what the heck was I doing to myself? It was at that point I took charge of my life and within a year and a half had lost almost 40 pounds. I could walk 3 km without getting tired and tie my shoes without loosing my breath. In total my family lost over 100 pounds .My family too were looking better and we were in general healthier and happier.
So what happened? My youngest son kept off the weight and looks great. My oldest , my husband and myself all went back up to our large bulky sizes. One reason was that after an injury I sustained, I was no longer able to do exercises. I guess my family was able to use the excuse that since I was not pushing the good eating and healthy lifestyle that we could all slip. Well slip we did.
I started to think " to heck with it why bother," then a few weeks ago, I passed in front of my mirror and realized I was reliving THE MIRROR day all over again.
I know that it does not matter what anyone else sees, its what I see that matters, and what I see is that the size 10, very proud , very happy person is still there . She just needs a little kick in the butt to wake up. I still have to live with my arm injury and will have to learn how to exercise with it, but no more excuses . I know I can do it, and I know I have to do it. For myself and for my family. I WILL stand in front of that mirror and say, " Well there you are. I knew I would find you."
So , next time you stand in front of a mirror and say ," I know I am there inside, this is not me." Remember YES it is you. NO EXCUSES . If you are not happy about what is reflected back, then what are YOU going to do about it.?
NEVER GIVE UP !!!!!
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