LAURABLUE66's Recent Blog Entries

Food and Grief

Thursday, February 03, 2011

Over the past years, many articles and ideas have come out about grief and the grieving process.

Recently loosing my little ray of sunshine , my dog "Teddy" ( my baby), I experienced a grief like no other. I had been off work just the year before due to an injury and had spent the entire time ( 18 months)with this little guy as my constant companion. When I was suffering the most, he was the only one I wanted around. He gave me comfort and, yes, even someone to talk too.

One week was all we had from finding out he had a rare form of throat cancer to having to release him from terrible suffering. I held him in my arms when he died and still feel the emptiness. Sometimes I think, "If only I could hold him just one more time."

FOOD became a comfort to me and I began eating almost as often as I cried.
After crying almost non stop for 2 weeks, bursting into tears at the mention of his name,and eating chocolate, and sweet foods eachtime, I started using the internet to read anything I could on how and why I felt so utterly sick inside.

What I read was that when we feel a loss we look to other things for comfort, I read that being angry is normal, I read that we all handle it differently, I read that there is a plan and we just don't understand, I read that other people have gone through it and I am not alone, I read .............yada yada yada... WHAT I READ was that people are even more screwed up and unsure of why we do things that hurt us when we are hurting and grieving than I am.

What I learned for myself and by myself , well that's what matters.
It took me 2 months to understand, that it was ok to feel bad and even more ok to console myself with chocolate or sweets to feel better. Every single person experiences grief differently and if you are a person like me that uses food for comfort, well then so be it. . Grief, depression, food are a vicious circle. I am sad , so I become depressed , I am depressed so I eat, I eat which makes me sad , I am sad so it makes me depressed, I am depressed so I eat even more ..... Not only is it a circle but it is a downward spiral if you keep getting upset because you eat, on top of being already depressed.

The point is , you need to be able to be honest with yourself and see where you are and where you are going. If you are sad and food makes it better that don't make yourself feel worse for making yourself feel better by food.

I would not recommend this approach for long term depression, obviously, that is a matter best left up to the so called " experts." I am talking about grief and sadness which we need to work out for ourselves at our own pace and in our own way.

Give yourself credit for knowing whats best for you. Allow yourself grief, allow yourself food, but most of all allow yourself time.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

JUSTYNA7 2/16/2011 4:12PM

    Sometimes we just react automatically. Sometimes we become aware of what we are doing. And when that happens we begin to be able to make changes. Food for me was the only way I knew how to get through pain. And food for me was really not good. It only gave me a temporary relief and the later bad feelings about myself for eating. I have learned now there are other ways. Blogging. LIstening to music. Walking. Being with other people. You have to find your own things that work. So next time you have something else to turn to. I'm really sorry about your pup. I still miss mine after 10 years. It's good you are writing.

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IAMWINNING 2/3/2011 9:13PM

    Laura, thank you for expressing what you've been feeling, for sharing with us. Losing a beloved pet is AWFUL, as many of us know, and I agree, consoling yourself with extra sweets (or whatever) isn't the end of the world; and as you said, it's not a long-term solution. I'm glad you now have Marlo, and I know he gives you great pleasure - not as a substitute or Teddy, but as a new loved one. emoticon

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MSPRIS3 2/3/2011 5:00PM

    I'm sorry for you losing you baby. I understand completely what you are feeling. My old dog Brandy died of the same thing on 2000(strange), and in 2007 I had to put my very first cat down to cancer. My grief was unbelievable. There was such empiness in my house, in me, in everything.

I actually got my Bailey to help with losing Levi. It took my mind off of missing her, and he kept me going. I did not replace Levi, I simply replaced the whole in my heart.

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MISTYRIVER64 2/3/2011 2:16PM

    I never knew that my daughter had all this wisdom in her. I am proud of you for being able to explain it so clearly. I am proud of you because you are you. I am proud of you because you are. emoticon I miss Teddy too.

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Dark Chocolate

Monday, January 11, 2010

I would never call myself a choc-a-holic, but I do like chocolate very much. After reading the benefits of dark chocolate I decided to try changing. As a child I detested dark chocolate, so at first I resisted. However as I began purchasing only dark chocolate 70%, whenever I got cravings it was not as good as my beloved milk chocolate but I guess I can say I got used to it.

The other day, after starting SP and wanting to be good with my eating habits, I was shopping and spotted a bar of dark chocolate 99%. WELL!! I thought, that's great . 99% cocoa wow perfect. I got home and later that evening my husband and I decided to try it.

CAN YOU SAY DIRT. BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT IT TASTED LIKE. .. Boy did that ever bring back memories of eating mud pies with my brother when I was 3. LOL...

So back to dark chocolate 70%. emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SOLUCKY12 1/23/2011 8:23PM

    I'm just impressed you like the 70% chocolate. I've been eating the 60% Hershey's dark chocolate with the "Best Life" symbol on it. The only problem is that when I crave chocolate, I eat too much of it. When I've tried the 70%, it's like not eating chocolate. What brand do you like?

I recently joined your Healthy Lifestyle team, so I'm looking at a few fellow sparker's pages.

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CHEFKATLEANER 1/20/2010 10:46PM

    I remember a coworker brought in a bar of the 99% cocoa....blech! I agree with the dirt description :D

Your mom is a SparkFriend of mine...and she mentioned you. I hope you don't mind if I add you to my friends :)

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JUSTYNA7 1/12/2010 12:13PM

    OK, that would NOT be so great. Dark chocolate is a MUFA but 70% is just fine. The other you would need to add some sugar. Which is fine... Chef Meg has a nice chocolate fondue that uses dark chocolate. It is also good when added to spicy south american meals in small amounts.

MUFA's are wonder foods for me. I first read about them on the flat belly diet put out by prevention magazine and thought... hmmm interesting. Then I got the latest update on diabetes nutrition and guess what? They said to eat way more MUFAs that previously believed was good. I started eating a Mufa at every meal and have lost 1.5 inches off my belly fat! Plus my blood sugars have gone down and I'm not hungry between meals. So I'm going to keep at it. My sister has the same body type as me so is very excited. We have NEVER been able to lose belly fat.

Mufa: mono unstaturated fatty acid

Sources: dark chocolate, nuts (pistachios, pecans, almonds, hazelnuts etc.), nut butters such as peanut butter or almond butter, olives, olive and olive oil, seeds (pumpkin, sesame, reap seed, hemp which is one of my favourites, flax) and their oils, and avocados. If I don't have it as part of the meal I keep cute little bowls with lids stacked on the table with hemp, pecans, flax and dark chocolate chips that I can sprinkle on or grab a spoon full of. Easy!

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CWISEMAN1 1/12/2010 12:22AM

  LOL, sometimes these are what i call a blessing in disguise.

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MISTYRIVER64 1/11/2010 10:27PM

    You know the old saying "FIRST YOU EAT A POUND OF S.. DIRT AND THEN YOU DIE" Thank goodness you didn't eat a pound. lololol

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NICOLEBA47 1/11/2010 10:17PM

    Never try it. I am not a choc-a-lic, I prefer salty food - so that makes me a salt-a-lic!!!!!!
emoticon Nicole

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GRANDMO1 1/11/2010 10:15PM

  Oh well, maybe not liking it isn't so bad unless you bought 5 pounds of it. lol

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Passing a mirror hurts.

Sunday, January 10, 2010

Have you ever passed in front of a mirror, only to stop and take a long look at yourself, and then broken into tears because of the size of the strange person staring back at you. How often have you looked at your reflection wanted to shout, "That's not me. I just can't be that person." Well, my dear, " THAT IS YOU."

My 'SIZE PROBLEM," hit rock bottom a few years ago when I was in my livingroom and passed in front of a large wall mirror. I had just gotten off the couch when I noticed a large object reflected in the mirror, and it was me. I began to cry. Where had this , dare I say it " fat " person come from. I had been a size 8, 125 pound woman just years before. How had 70 pounds crept up on me in a matter of 10 years. Well, I used all the excuses too. I was becoming middle age, I was starting my change years , my life was busy so fast food was the only thing I had time for..bla bla bla.. You can talk yourself to deaf with all the excuses. The point is, after I looked at myself, I looked at my family and for the very first time I realized we were all FAT.

As a mother what was I doing to my boys. As a wife why was I not bugging my husband about his ever bulging waist line, and as a person , what the heck was I doing to myself? It was at that point I took charge of my life and within a year and a half had lost almost 40 pounds. I could walk 3 km without getting tired and tie my shoes without loosing my breath. In total my family lost over 100 pounds .My family too were looking better and we were in general healthier and happier.

So what happened? My youngest son kept off the weight and looks great. My oldest , my husband and myself all went back up to our large bulky sizes. One reason was that after an injury I sustained, I was no longer able to do exercises. I guess my family was able to use the excuse that since I was not pushing the good eating and healthy lifestyle that we could all slip. Well slip we did.

I started to think " to heck with it why bother," then a few weeks ago, I passed in front of my mirror and realized I was reliving THE MIRROR day all over again.

I know that it does not matter what anyone else sees, its what I see that matters, and what I see is that the size 10, very proud , very happy person is still there . She just needs a little kick in the butt to wake up. I still have to live with my arm injury and will have to learn how to exercise with it, but no more excuses . I know I can do it, and I know I have to do it. For myself and for my family. I WILL stand in front of that mirror and say, " Well there you are. I knew I would find you."

So , next time you stand in front of a mirror and say ," I know I am there inside, this is not me." Remember YES it is you. NO EXCUSES . If you are not happy about what is reflected back, then what are YOU going to do about it.?


  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

SNUGLBUNIE 8/28/2011 8:34PM

    OMG, you brought tears to my eyes Laura. What a moving story about weight gain and how it can affect a person. I'm so proud of you for keeping on this journey and you know what, I met you today, and YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL inside and out.

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JUSTYNA7 1/12/2010 12:19PM

    Those Aha moments stick with you. Be sure to write this into the Ottawa "self talk" thread for postive self talk.

For me I was reading a blog by a woman who had come across one of my blogs saying how much I love the outdoors. She had a picture of her hiking on her spark page. A large woman. About my size. And she said "this was me at my top weight - unsafe". Unsafe? I felt this lump in my throat. Unsafe! I had been in so much denial. Every hike and canoe trip putting my family at risk. I was at higher risk of an injury because of my size and bad knees, and if I ever fell or hurt myself how would they ever have gotten me out of the wilderness? She is now one of my heros. In five years she has gotten to her goal weight. I know you can do it too! We both can.

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NICOLEBA47 1/11/2010 10:45PM

    Great blog and so inspiring!
And you are so right!
I also realized that loosing weight, it's must be a family affair. If I eat well, my family eat well - I am the one bying the groceries and preparing the meals. So for the past 4 months, as a family, we are eating better and losing weight.


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IAMWINNING 1/11/2010 5:44PM

    I, too, gained tons of weight. When I married at age 21, I weighed a whopping 98 lbs. Yes, that wasn't enuf, but my metabolism was such that I could eat and eat and eat whatever and however much I wanted, and never gain a pound. BAD habits. I added a few lbs in a few months, but looked and felt good. Then I became pg the 1st time and it's like I never looked back. 40 yrs and 3 kids later, I finally realized I was almost 180 lbs and miserable. I hated the way I look and felt, and knew that the added fat were exasperating some health problems, soooooo, I got ahold of myself, was steered to SP and I'm working on being healthier. I've lost a total of almost 25 lbs, most of it on SP, and am wearing a size smaller pants now. Proud of myself. : ) This is just the beginning. I have lbs more to go, and I WILL.

I used to say, I still weigh 98 lbs, but I'm protecting it better. tsk-tsk. emoticon

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MISTYRIVER64 1/11/2010 3:36PM

    Well, my little girl - you should be proud of yourself. You have seen with both eyes wide open. I will always see the most beautiful darling daughter in the whole world - no matter what -but I will also be so very very happy to have a healthy and vigorous daughter too. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK
Love Mom emoticon

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