LASERMOM59's Recent Blog Entries

trying not to deal with stress the only way I know how

Wednesday, February 23, 2011

I am not having a good day at all!! My espresso machine died yesterday which left me drinking regular coffee with skim milk. I've been drinking espresso daily for three years and the coffee just isn't cutting it. I am mentally stressed just from that alone.

Second I have the morning off work so I can get to my doctor for my quarterly med check. Guess what??? I was an hour late!! Somehow I put the wrong time in my calendar. Needless to say the Dr. was in a staff meeting so I had to reschedule for MAY!! Which I will now have to take another couple hours off for.

Third my mortgage payment is seriously delinquent. I am one of those unfortunate ones who has done everything to try and get a modification but does not qualify. I was given a trial payment some months back. I made all payments in full and on time. Because I was denied for a modification my timely payments were now considered partial payments!! So now I'm even further behind.

I finally worked up the courage to call the bank AGAIN to try and plead my case and see if there are any other options. I finally get a human on the line and he tells me that there system is down PLEASE CALL BACK IN HALF AN HOUR!!! My financial situation has taken a turn for the better and I could start making my normal payments again. It's scary though because the bank sent me a letter saying if my back payments were not made in full they would start pursuing the matter legally. I just keep thinking "should I just save my money for a security deposit on a new place" or "take the chance of sending the money to the bank and lose my house anyway". Rent in my area is more than my house payment. I really don't know what I'll do if I can't keep my house. I have one son who will be a senior next year and another boy in 4th grade. I can't move out of this school district.

I'm so badly wanting to resort to stuffing my face but I know it won't do any good and it will just make me feel worse. I can't go hit the treadmill because I have to leave for work very shortly. FML!!!

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

TYBEWALLACE 2/23/2011 2:32PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticonYou are in a tough spot for sure and I wish there were some magic words to make this better.
I don't know about your area but here the banks are working with people but it takes a lot of pushing to get them to the table at first..... I wish you the best and hope things resolve themsemselves positivly for you.

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STUFFEDPUPPET 2/23/2011 2:00PM

    Awww....sending you huge hugs. Very proud of you for not eating your way through the stress. I know how that feels and have fought very hard not to do that over the past month. Keep talking to the bank. Keep pushing. I don't know where you live but the banks in my area told my Grandma after my Grandpa died to make the payments, to pay a little bit more each month to get caught up, and as long as she were doing something they would work with her. I pray your bank is the same way. I hope you have a good day at work. Take a deep breath and believe that God will never give you more than you can handle. I know that is sometimes very hard to believe. I have struggled with it myself with everything my family has been though the last month. But one day soon your answer will come. Til then, keeping you in my prayers and sending big hugs to you.

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my head won't stop spinning

Saturday, February 12, 2011

I've been staring at this blank purple box wondering where to start. I've started and deleted and started again. I'm feeling so full of self-loathing and confusion today. It all started yesterday. I weighed in and only lost 1.2 pounds. It's my own fault, obviously, because no one forces me to eat food. I've been weighing myself every other week because I am trying to break my obsession with the scale. I've also been having MAJOR scale anxiety for some reason. When it is weigh day I literally get some big time anxiety going. I think it's because I'm so disappointed with myself for having to lose this weight all over again and I am so mad that the scale isn't moving fast enough. It sure moved fast going up!

So I had some errands to run yesterday and my daughter came with. She says "we should go out to lunch". I was totally prepared to say no and stick to it but I had a completely unexpected surprise of a child support check...that's another story but in short I am owed $30,000 in arrears. So what do we do? We go to a freakin' buffet!! Now I was driving. It was my money. The decision was completely in my hands. I messed up! So feeling guilty I put off eating dinner. Next thing you know it is 12:30am and I'm eating a WHOLE frozen pizza! yep all 1200 calories worth. I don't even know why I was up so late. Probably because I can't stop thinking about my Mike situation and a whole lot of other major things I have going on.

Sometimes I wonder if my metabolism has packed it's bags and left. The things I've done to it could probably be considered domestic violence! Gain weight, lose weight, work out like a mad woman, turn into a couch potato. My poor metabolism doesn't know if it's coming or going!

I also know that from my last experience with weight loss that my body now requires lots of exercise. Three years ago I lost 40 pounds in about 4 months very easily and with very, and I do mean very, little exercise. I started dating Mike who was a work out fanatic. I joined the gym and we worked out together at least four times a week. He pushed me when I didn't feel like going and vice versa. I dropped another 25 but toned up big time and had lots of muscle. At that time I noticed I was starting to eat more but it wasn't showing up on the scale at all because of the strength training.

In addition to eating more I broke two bones in my foot while walking down the stairs and texting! Can you believe it?? My kids and I still laugh about it. That led to me taking a month long break from working out and then it was Christmas and the downward spiral continued.

So after two years of on again off again with Mike I finally called it quits for good...well for 14 months because we started texting a few weeks ago....but the downward spiral still kept going. NOW he wants to get together!! OMG!! I am EIGHTY POUNDS heavier than when we split up!! We have had this unexplainable physical attraction to each other for 9 years. We never acted on it because either I was married or he was in a relationship. Well FINALLY after six years we were both single at the same time! It truly was a dream come true! Until I realized that he would always remain the eternal bachelor. A year into our relationship I accepted Christ as my Savior and I was having a major moral struggle with the "physical attraction" so I had to let him go.

Oh man this really is all over the place isn't it. This is why I feel like I'm losing my mind today. I can't have a complete thought to save me soul.

So back to him wanting to see me. I know he's thinking "booty call" because that was such a huge part of our past. So part of me is glad I've turned into a fatty because I can resist seeing him. There's no way in hell I want him to see me like this!! But there is this huge part of me that wants to see him so badly! I miss his hugs! He is a big guy...6'6" and 270 pounds of solid muscle. He is the only man that I felt truly small around. Oh man I am just so confused. I'm so afraid he will be repulsed by the sight of me and I'm even more afraid that he won't be (he's always liked bigger women because he is so big) and we will get back together and he will break my heart again.

On a good note my phone call with him made me dust off the treadmill or dreadmill as I like to call it. I walked 25 minutes and as much as I don't like the treadmill it did remind me that I like to sweat. I liked to workout and feel the burn. However on a self-loathing note I started getting really down on myself for being so out of shape. My reflection in the mirror disgusted me. How did I let myself go for so long!?!

Well whatever...I've dragged this blog out long enough but I was hoping that I would feel better if I got it all out in print. Not so sure it's working yet.

Crap!! I just wish my head would stop spinning!


My secret is out

Saturday, January 22, 2011

The girls at work know I'm "on a diet". I made it almost three weeks before they found out. I know it seems silly that I wanted it to be a secret but for the two and a half years that I have worked there it seems that there is always a competition of some sort between three of us to see who can lose the most weight. NONE of us has succeeded. The other girls are very competitive and have this "in your face" attitude when they lose the most that week. I don't like that!

One of the competitive girls must have been watching my food closely or something. I have no idea but all of a sudden she asks "are you trying to lose weight? What program are you doing?" I told her about SP and that I lost 9 lbs my first week (hey I had an opportunity to throw it in her face I couldn't help myself) I told her all I'm doing is tracking calories and making sure they are QUALITY calories and I'm starting to exercise more. THAT'S IT! No secret potion, pills or lotions. I swear she didn't believe me because later she asked me "so what's for dinner tonight then?" I said "chicken breast cooked in Prego with some rigatoni noodles on the side and some veggies." Normal stuff....just less of it!

Now I'm under the watchful eye and they are just waiting for me to screw up. I realized that this was a pretty negative way of thinking. So I am going to turn this into something positive. Yes! They ARE watching me and I am going to use that as a motivator. I have an opportunity to show them that losing weight doesn't have to be nothing but cabbage soup and frozen dinners. I have the opportunity to be an inspiration to THEM. I have the opportunity to show them a LIFESTYLE change that can last.


As expected the "competitive girls" were eyeballing my lunch yesterday. I had sliced chicken, lettuce, mustard and pickles in a LaTortilla Factory low carb wrap. Fresh green pepper, and yogurt. One of the girls walked in and says "woa..who's eating healthy?" and the other one points at my lunch and says "so how's all of that going?" I told her it was going great and she asks "well how much did you lose this week?"

I explained to her that because I am so OCD about the scale I have decided to only weigh myself every other week or so but that I had been on track all week and I felt great! That shut her up for a while emoticon

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

FAITH2BWELL 1/22/2011 6:42PM

    You go girl, Do what you have to do.You can be successful just try to stay focus and I believe you will get down to where you are going and begain to feel really good about your efforts. Take care.

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PIXIEMOM13 1/22/2011 2:39PM

    I kept quiet about what I was doing at first too. I guess because I was so afraid of failing (again) publically.. but when I hit the -20/25 lb mark people started asking.. or I'd slip and make a comment like "I couldn't switch to day shift on Tuesday because I go to my weight watchers meeting on Tuesday morning..." things like that.

I agree with Schmevelyn... watch out for potential sabotage from your coworkers... if they are that competative they may try sabotage as you are more and more successful.

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SCHMEVELYN 1/22/2011 2:07PM

    Focus on yourself, and look for sabotage from them. You can do this!

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learned a valuable lesson last night

Saturday, January 15, 2011

Last night my friend Michelle and I took our nine year old boys to see Monster Jam Mania. We are both single moms and thought it would be a fun thing for our boys. Well it was great fun for all of us! So much fun that I had several beers....over priced beer mind you....which then led me to shovel a bunch of Combos in my mouth. Then when I got home it was late, I was tired and I sure felt hungry. I could have chose to go to bed as I am almost certain that I would have fell asleep right away but instead I chose to make a salami sandwich on WHITE BREAD with a slice of american cheese no less. By the end of my night I had went 1,200 calories over my limit, had a headache from the beer and felt so guilty and felt like a failure for gaining a pound at my weigh in.

Where's the lesson? Well last night when we were leaving the monster truck show my friends son was walking up the escalator as it was moving in the downward direction. He only did it for a couple seconds but that was just long enough for a crabby old security guy to holler at him. After we walked past the security guy Caden started hitting himself in the head and he said "stupid dumbhead, stupid dumbhead" He was so upset with himself for getting hollered at that he was literally beating himself up. I felt so bad for him because all he was doing was being a boy and happened to get a little scolding. Not a reason to hit yourself and call yourself stupid.

Anyway this morning after I weighed myself and looked at how many calories I had consumed in beer and junk food I was sitting here mentally beating myself up. Then I remembered Caden and I started crying. How many times do we sit and mentally hit ourselves in the head and call ourselves "stupid dumb head"? The thing is that the only person that knows we do it is our self. If I changed that inward beating to an outward beating where my kids and friends could see it I know for a fact that they would say "what are you doing? STOP IT! So what? You did something that wasn't so smart. Learn from it and move forward. Mom I love you. PLEASE STOP HURTING YOURSELF!"

Today I vow to work hard at stopping the beatings. I am human and I have weaknesses and I do dumb things but none of them are worth hitting myself in the head over.

  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

STUFFEDPUPPET 1/16/2011 4:15PM

    Wow - what a lesson. Never thought of it that way - but you are right. We are only human and every once in a while it's ok to go over your calories - it's ok to bend. Do you workout today and let it go. After all back before your journey began you would have not thought twice about going out, having a good time with you son and then having a snack when you got home. So why now would your beat yourself up? Yes you went over your calories - that's ok every once in a while. You know you are not going to go back to doing it all the time - so it's ok - live a little. Spoil your son when you can and give yourself permission to splurge every once in a while.

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AUNTB63 1/16/2011 9:24AM

    The lesson learned is a very powerful one. When we start treating ourselves like we would treat our friends, family etc. we will be happier and yes more successful in life and our journey to a healthier lifestyle. Have a wonderful day and remember: "Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference." - a quote from Winston Churchill. emoticon

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MADSENDL 1/15/2011 4:14PM

    Lessons come hard sometimes. But necessary! The important thing is that we learn from them. Sounds like you have. Yes, stop the beatings, we are all human and life happens to us once in awhile. Hang in there, your doing great! emoticon

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What am I thinking????

Thursday, January 13, 2011

If I am going to be a POSITIVE person I have one more day to totally psych myself into entering a contest at my favorite gym. If I choose to be a negative person then I have one more day to talk myself out of joining this contest.

Positive thinking is something that does not come easy for me but what the heck it's a new year. Time to stir things up a bit.

I used to belong to a gym right by my house. It is a beautiful gym. Super clean, great equipment, great staff, very classy place but also very expensive. I had a family membership there because I managed to get in on an anniversary special. However my finances took a nose dive and I was not able to renew my membership at the time. If I were to join now it would cost much more!

Well I got an email about a Fitness Challenge they are doing and I can win a membership for a year!!! First of all I have no idea what I am thinking in entering this contest. I am the totally self-conscious type that had to lose 40lbs before I joined a gym last time. Now here I am pushing 300 lbs (60lbs heavier than the last time I joined a gym) and I think I can win this contest. I NEED TO WIN THIS CONTEST!!!

I know from experience that I am not going to do a decent workout at home. I really want to be in the gym again but can't afford it. I have four opportunities to win. Every week you receive a scorecard in which there are different ways to earn points. The person with the most points at the end of the week wins a membership. i think i can, I think I can, I THINK I can, I KNOW I CAN, I KNOW I CAN!!

I don't handle losing well. If I lose I'll feel like a failure. I have to keep telling myself that even if I lose the contest I will still lose weight and at the very least I will get a four week free membership to my favorite gym. I am going to be a winner no matter what!


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