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Frustration con'd

Monday, October 24, 2011

I thought about a lot of the comments I received regarding the issues with my son. I have not heard from him since he left on Friday. I know he is at my mother's as I have talked to the person staying with her, but he is causing issues there too. There are enough issues over there without him adding to it.

I thought about one comment where someone asked what my husband was doing in all this..the answer is and always has been the same..NOTHING! This has always been mine to deal with. Brian may get mad for 5 minutes and then act like Ben did nothing wrong. He didn't bother to find out anything about him this weekend. Just said, "Well, I'll take money over there to him." That's not the answer.

I called my husband this morning and said we had to do something. Ben can not keep hiding out at my mother's expecting everyone else to pay for him. My mother fell yesterday and I don't need to hear from my sisters that my son is causing too many problems and stress there. I found out that my sister, who doesn't speak to me, is going to put my mother in assisted living. I did call her and I said that she can not unilaterally make these decisions there are 4 of us. Needless to say, I haven't heard a word from her.

I did decide that we have to deal with this issue with my son today! I told my husband that I called the school and told them that Ben was to be excused after his classes are done and told to come home. He will just have to miss his volunteer job this afternoon. My husband needs to come home and we need to lay the boundaries for Ben together. He can not go to my mother's and hide. If he wants to leave home so bad, he better figure out where is going to go and how he is going to pay for it. My husband has to be a part of this instead of letting me always deal with it.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

BEVIEANN 10/26/2011 8:12PM

    I am so sorry you are having such issues with your son... I had very similar issues with my son when he was in his late teens... It is heart wrenching and often times you don't know where to turn or what the answer is... ONe thing for certain it will pass although when you are going through it it sure doesn't seem lik eit will... My son did get through it and is a responsible adult now with 2 lovely sons and a wonderful wife...

He did end up leaveing and I didn't hear from him mujst for about 2 years.... but I would call him once in awhile... my heart still hurts when the memories of those times come up as they have lately in dealing with my neice... But one thing I do know that it will pass...

Am thinking of you through these trying times and trusting that you were able to set boundaries and work it out wiht him.. is so hard when you feel like you are the bad guy and the dad just goes along with it... it will be okay... he will grow up and realize what he has put you through...

Take care...

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 10/25/2011 2:48PM

    **HUGS** I know how stressful dealing with something like this is. You are correct that this has to come from both of you. It would help if you and DH could talk about what you can and are willing to do and not do, to allow and not allow and consequences if things happen.

Good luck!

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TEDDYBEAR662 10/25/2011 12:10PM

    Sorry you are going through all this. Know I'll be praying for you! I hope your husband steps up and becomes a Dad / man! Also I REALLY hope your Mom is okay! Last, PLEASE take care of yourself!!!
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ZIPCONTROL 10/25/2011 11:00AM

  I agree with Teresa....your mother has to stop keeping him.

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YIWEN39 10/25/2011 9:30AM

    Great plan! I hope things get sorted out, or at least improve somewhat, very soon. Hang in there, you are doing great in such a complicated situation!
Thinking of you,
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SVELTEWARRIOR 10/24/2011 11:39PM

    I hope this talk works out for you. There is no doubt that you and your husband need to be a united team. I will say a prayer for you and your family.

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4MRSDAND123 10/24/2011 8:43PM

    Sorry you've having to go through all this. All this stress is emotionally and physically draining. So remember to take care of YOU!

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TXGRANDMA 10/24/2011 8:06PM

    I agree, you didn't make your son by yourself, you shouldn't have to be the one who makes all the decisions. Hope that things are soon settled, this is a lot of stress for you!

That is exactly what your son is doing, hiding at your Mom's house, and that is not a good thing. Sounds like more trouble with Sis on the horizon, too. emoticon

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JEANUT 10/24/2011 6:53PM

    I hope your plan works


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1BEACHWALKER 10/24/2011 3:42PM

    Sounds like a good plan! Good luck! I hope it all works out for best for all of you! Hope your Mom is ok after her fall too!

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TERESA159 10/24/2011 3:29PM

    Unless your mother's incapacitated mentally, she's the only one that can decide if she's moving. Also, your mother needs to stop enabling your son. Or whoever over at that house is allowing him to come and stay. You need to get that person in line with what you want. Good luck with the talk, remember to use "I" or "We" phrases instead of "you" ones.

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IMIN2GENES 10/24/2011 1:59PM

    I agree too! You definitely need a united front if you hope to make a change. As long as your son keeps getting money regardless of what he does, he won't find any motivation to care for himself. Best wishes!
Chris


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CANDOK1260 10/24/2011 12:57PM

    all i can you are my prayer what i do all i can tell is my mom live thru 5 sons youth and twenty and you will do the same

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/24/2011 11:59AM

    I agree! You need a united stand and some help in the parenting!!

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5% Challenge Week 5

Sunday, October 23, 2011

I can't believe the 5 % challenge is passed the halfway mark. I am still doing good. I am still down in my weight which makes me very happy. I didn't have the best week last week as far as exercise. Between my son and work, I just didn't have the time I usually do.

This week I want to get back to it. Get back to doing my daily routine. Today, I am going to go to the barn. I was supposed to go on Friday, but ended up with the issues with my son instead. Tomorrow, I will get back to my regular workout routine. I find that if I start at 11:00 a.m., I will generally go until 12:30 p.m. There is something about 11 that works for me.

My eating was not the greatest last week either. But, it also wasn't the worst. We only ate out 2 days last week which I think is a record for us. When we went out Friday, we shared one entree. I do admit to eating McDonald's on Friday also before the big blow up. I just figure every now and then you need fast food. It is kind of like a snickers bar.

For myself, I finally took the time and finished the book "The Help". It was a wonderful book. I have about 7 e-books lined up on my computer from the library. I would like to make sure I take at least 30 minutes a day and read.

I will be gone on Wednesday for relocation specialist training all day so I don't know if I will get in a workout then. But one day of not exercising won't kill me. I can only do what I can do :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMIN2GENES 10/24/2011 2:17PM

    You're doing great! Hang in there and keep up the great work.
Chris
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CROOKEDLETTER 10/24/2011 6:39AM

    Glad that despite a hard week, you took care of yourself. Heck, I eat some junk during "good" weeks.

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ZIPCONTROL 10/24/2011 3:12AM

  emoticon

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SVELTEWARRIOR 10/23/2011 9:26PM

    You sound like you know what your doing. You don't quit and you make your health a priority. I hope your week is a great one!

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EJOY-EVELYN 10/23/2011 8:50PM

    With your crazy schedule, you've done marvelous! Anxious to see you succeed! I'll be sure to tell my hubby about the ebook and library link. This might be just the thing before we jump in for a Kindle, Nook, or whatever the market's currently touting.

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YIWEN39 10/23/2011 6:51PM

    emoticon Wishing you all the best for the 2nd half of our challenge :-) Let's Rock on Teddy :-) emoticon

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SARALEIGHM 10/23/2011 6:30PM

    I love reading on my iPad. I was buying a lot of books, then I got a library card. Woo-hoo! I read every morning while I eat breakfast (e-book), then every night before bed (paper book).

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/23/2011 6:22PM

    Good job! I am in the middle of The Help (I think...since it's hard to tell with an ebook!).

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TERESA159 10/23/2011 1:34PM

    Sounds like you are living life and still making your health a priority. That's great! As long as you just keep always heading in the right direction, you'll get there. Best wishes for a great week.

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Tired and Fed Up

Friday, October 21, 2011

I have spent my son's entire life going to bat for him and fighting with him. I always felt guilty for the preschool I sent him to. It was an Orthodox Jewish preschool and we weren't orthodox. I got a call after Ben had been there for a year and a half that he tried to strangle another child. I couldn't figure it out. It wasn't like him. I found out from one of the non Jewish aides that Ben had been placed away from all the other children by the teacher as we were not Orthodox and they didn't want him by those other children.

That day, I took him out of that school and sent him to the Jewish Day School. It cost us a lot of money to send the kids there. Ben started having trouble almost immediately. He had no clue how to interact with other kids because he had never had any interaction with other children. He was behind in almost everything. We took him to psychologists, therapists for children with fine and gross motor problems etc.. We even put him on Ritalen and Concerta as they decided he had ADHD. He made no sense at all on those drugs...

Fast forward to 6th grade. They couldn't keep him at the day school because they had no programs for special needs kids in their middle school. I put him into the best middle school our public schools had to offer. It was awful. I had to fight to get him in there. They didn't want any special needs students at that school. I got an advocate for him and got him in.

When my daughter was starting middle school, we decided to send the kids to my mom's school district. Ben did 8th grade there. The behavior has always been the same. All mouth no thinking.

Now, he is ready to graduate from high school. We all know the events of the past week with the car. Today, I let him drive my car with me in it. I had to run some errands. I am so tired as work has been crazy today that I said we should just stop and get something from the McDonald's $1 menu on the way home. (Big mistake..it's making me sick). We got into a discussion on the way home about what happened to the $100 dollars he took out of his savings account last week the day before he smashed the car.

I know $35 went towards gas, but I wanted to know what happened to the rest of it. He gave me his standard answer, "I don't know." That's all he ever says. Then we got into it about his lying...lying for 4 weeks about going to his job skills job when he wasn't, lying about the money. He stood in the driveway and said to me, "You are f*cking p*ssing me off. I'm going to bubbies (grandmother's)." I said fine, but if he walks out that door; he is on his own. He will be 18 in January and I don't need any child who is going to sit and swear at me and lie to me.

He says, "What you're saying I can't come back here and live again." I said that was exactly what I meant. If he is old enough to walk out when he needs to start taking responsibility for his actions, he is old enough to walk out and take responsibility for himself. I told him no more calling us when he gets in trouble with his grandmother. No more asking us for money. No more asking us to bail him out when he gets in trouble at school.

Then he went to his usual line, "What you don't care about me? The only f*cking person you care about is yourself."

Sometimes I think we did too much for him other times I think we should have done for him. I don't know when to let go and make him stand on his own two feet, but he has everyone believing that he is not capable. Right now, my stomach hurts, my head is swimming, I am emotionally exhausted and I can't keep doing this with him.

Deep down, I want him to go to Mom's just so I can get a break for a couple of days from him. By the same token, I know that that just let's him off the hook as he has a tv in his room there. He can come and go as he pleases. He doesn't have to go to school. She never cared if we went to school. My brother and I cut out of high school all the time, but we were smart enough to get all the work done. My mother was never a mother and never knew how to be and still doesn't.

I think I am just going to lay down. Don't have the energy to go to the barn. I will go on Sunday. I wish there was a magic answer here. I look at all 3 of my sister's kids who are all lawyers or soon to be lawyers. Of course, the 2 that are lawyers are practicing with her and never had to get jobs on their own which I don't think is good either. I don't know....I really don't.

For all of you who read to this point. Thank you. I know it was long. I just needed to write it to try and get some perspective on all of it.

Just looked and he left. Not a word..didn't even hear the door close.

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

INKEDPETALS45 10/25/2011 11:35AM

    Hang in there! I went thru surprisingly similar situations with my youngest daughter first, and now my oldest daughter. One thing I learned is think thru what you say to him and the consequences then STICK TO WHAT YOU SAY! He'll use guilt tactics, lies and anything else until you cave to what he wants. Stay strong!

Tough love!! I often wonder if its called that because its tough for us to do, not because its tough on them.

Positive ending, my youngest and I have a great relationship now but it took lots of heartache, tears and love!

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REYVE01 10/25/2011 2:10AM

    My son has ADHD and both those meds you mentioned are horriable. My son who is now 8 has been on a great med for 2 years now... all our troubles at school are gone and he is reading and writing at grade level. DON'T GIVE UP, THE HARD WORK WILL PAY OFF.

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NEWMAC2011 10/24/2011 2:51PM

    So sorry that you have to go through this difficult and heart wrenching situation. I'll keep you in my thoughts.

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SVELTEWARRIOR 10/23/2011 12:27AM

    I truly wish I could hug you right now! Your son sounds alot like my oldest daughter. You are right that if he is big enough to walk out he is big enough to except the consequences of his actions. Let him know you love him but don't bail him out. I bet he will be him in a few days, he may not say it or act like it but he loves his family.

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1BEACHWALKER 10/22/2011 8:15PM

    Sometimes it happens in the best of families...you are not alone there. We have talked before about how simular our families are. I have a brother (younger) who for 32 years, pretty much has lived off my Mom and Dad. They never diagnosed him, but think he has ADHD-my Dad would never let Mom take us to the Dr. unless we were dying! Geeze! He is a smart guy, a wonderful artist, but doesn't like to do the 9-5 jobs and Mom and Dad keep paying for him. He even lived with them for most of his life, now they pay for his apartment 1000 miles away and have done that for 5 years. He could not live with my Dad any longer-fought all the time (no one can get along with my Dad for very long). But, finally he got a good job a few weeks ago-so far so good! Sometimes they need to get out on their own to grow up and if they aren't getting along. Of course, you will always worry about him, but at least he has a roof over his head at your Mother's. And until he figures out what to do with himself (and hopefully will for the better), maybe it is for the best-at least for your nerves anyway! Hang in there Nina! Vent anytime you want-we are here for you! emoticon

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LOPEYP 10/22/2011 5:26PM

    How are things today?

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SARALEIGHM 10/22/2011 12:49PM

    He's a big boy now. Perhaps it's time to stick by what you said and let go. Time will tell. Once he gets past this stage, things may be different between you.
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ZIPCONTROL 10/22/2011 11:58AM

  Love him lots...this too shall pass !! emoticon

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TRIPLETIGGER 10/22/2011 8:23AM

    I wish I could be there to give you a big hug. I went through similar challenges with all three of my children. Wherever I went for help, I got referred somewhere else. I was dizzy from the circles. Please take a deep breath and take some time to love and care for yourself. You have done the best you could and the best you knew. That's all any of us can do and none of us have done it perfectly. This is not your fault. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

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YIWEN39 10/22/2011 12:50AM

    Sorry to read all this, it sounds so difficult...
Couldn't help noticing that you don't mention your husband? Is he supportive of you? Can he speak to your son? You shouldn't have to deal with this on your own.
I wish you the best of luck and hope your son comes to his senses sometime soon!
Take care! emoticon emoticon

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IMIN2GENES 10/21/2011 9:47PM

    Hang in there! I'm sorry I don't have an easy answer for you either. All I can do is listen and offer support. So, I'm here for you!
Chris
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LILLI56 10/21/2011 9:38PM

    My mom always said that when your children are little they step on our feet, but when they get older they step on your heart.

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CROOKEDLETTER 10/21/2011 9:20PM

    Sending some loving thoughts your way. Some kids are tough. They seem to have to learn (or not learn it may seem) everything the hard way. If it is any consolation, my cousins both were a mess at that age and stayed hot messes for quite a while, but eventually figured out how to be intense men who also had it together and learned to be kind and see other people's needs.

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/21/2011 7:59PM

    Are drugs an issue?

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 10/21/2011 7:29PM

    emoticon emoticon emoticon

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TXGRANDMA 10/21/2011 6:02PM

    I'm so sorry, I remember when my daughter told me that all I cared about was myself. It is a good thing she wasn't there when I read it, it was a note she wrote. I quietly put it away and saved it all these years, waiting for a time to show it to her when her daughter does the same thing to her. She will be so embarrased, but she will know that her daughter is just "being a teenager" too. emoticon

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TERESA159 10/21/2011 3:48PM

    If it's any help, my 17 year old son who is not special needs acts this way at times too. So part of it is just his growing up. I know from my three other kids that if I just hang in there, keep letting him know I love him and refuse to participate when he tries to pick fights, we'll get past this tough phase.
Best wishes.

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THISTIMEMYWAY 10/21/2011 3:27PM

    All I can say is that I feel for you as a mother. No matter what we do, we always question ourselves. I am sorry you have to go through this. I wish you all the best and that things ultimately turn around. emoticon

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ELLENSANGEL 10/21/2011 3:26PM

    Hang in there. I wish there was an easy answer for you.

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Today Again

Thursday, October 20, 2011

Today was busy. I had to write amendments for the home inspection and go to a listing appointment. That was hard. It was for some people who have been great friends over the years. I will definitely miss them. We didn't get a lot of talking done about the listing, but we had a good time.

Got in 75 minutes of exercise today. I am trying to do my Just Dance 2 challenge as often as possible. Tomorrow, it is off to ride JC. The weather has been so bad I haven't been able to get out to the barn, but tomorrow is supposed to be nice. I love every minute I spend with him..it is like everything bad in my life disappears. It's funny, I can smell him even when I am not around him. That sweet horsey smell. I am determined to make him a priority.

Tomorrow may be my only chance. I have showings all day Saturday and Sunday is the Pack going for 7-0, Have to get back from the barn by then :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

IMIN2GENES 10/21/2011 11:44AM

    Hope you get your good weather and have lots of fun with JC!
Chris


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THETURTLEBEAR 10/21/2011 10:23AM

    Love that horsey smell. It puts me in my happy place.

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BD3269PM 10/21/2011 6:59AM

    Enjoy your ride. It is sad when people we care about move away but it is easy to keep in touch with all the technology available today. Keep on Sparking and have a nice weekend! emoticon

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LOPEYP 10/21/2011 6:36AM

    Have fun with JC!

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LILLI56 10/20/2011 11:59PM

    I miss our horses. When our boys were growing up we had 2 horses, one a quarter horse that we got from the police department. He was scared of crowds. We would just laugh at him, the boys would accidentally kick him, and he would do his special walk. .Like sideways or backwards. We always said he was smarter than us. Our neighbors were in the Memphis police, and we got him for a $1.00. Best money we ever spent. Charlie would go and climb on a tree stump jump on him and ride him bareback and without a harness. The other was Jacko, he was a paint. He was a good horse too, but not nearly as smart as Chenne. I really miss them both. It has been a long time since I have ridden. By the way Chenne never had a problem with crowds after we got him.

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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 10/20/2011 11:52PM

    Sounds like another productive full day. WooHoo! Hope the weather allows the ride tomorrow.

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YIWEN39 10/20/2011 11:45PM

    Enjoy your ride :-) And have a good weekend too :-)
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Today

Wednesday, October 19, 2011

Today was going to be a quiet day ... so I thought. It was quiet until I got a phone call at 9:00 this morning that an agent wanted to show one of my listings at 3:30 this afternoon. I knew that wasn't happening. My sellers are at work and there are two dogs in the house. So, I told the agent 6:00 tonight. He was fine with that.

Home inspection yesterday went really well, I thought, for a house that is only $60,000. Some additional circuit breakers needed and some wiring and then grading on the outside of the house. My buyer said that either the seller took care of these things or she is going to walk from the deal. I am trying to explain that that kind of money doesn't buy a great house in this city. She's lucky it is not a falling down foreclosure. So, that went on a lot of the day and trying to talk to the listing agent to see what the seller will do.

I couldn't stand it. I was stuck at the computer so I did Coach Nichole's 20 minute Resistance Band Workout emoticon got exercise in. Didn't feel like it, but I did it.

After that, I figured I could walk it out and return text messages. Got in 55 minutes before my daughter called that she didn't want to stay after school in this weather. So, I went and got her and, yes, I even picked up my son instead of making him take the city bus...only because it is so cold and rainy. But it did cause him to go running all over looking for his supervisor so I could let her know..Yes he is on strict watch right now.

Got back with the kids. Was going to read my book which I have been meaning to do since this morning, but the e-mails started again. Then I realized that there were 2 more rainbow pieces I had to get on Walk it Out. I also added 16 clock pieces. 30 minutes later, I had my emoticon and my clocks. I did manage 85 minutes today for not wanting to do anything. But, I also wanted to get in enough time and steps for rolls on both of my monopoly challenges.

Actually, was a good day! I'll know tomorrow if the seller will take care of those two things :)

  
  Member Comments About This Blog Post:

MRS.PRINCIPAL 10/20/2011 7:34PM

    It was a great day!

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SVELTEWARRIOR 10/20/2011 7:21PM

    Ok I am impressed!!!!

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SARALEIGHM 10/20/2011 7:59AM

    Good for you! You did much better than I did.

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LOPEYP 10/20/2011 6:58AM

    sounds like you made the most of your time, you multi-tasker you! emoticon

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IMIN2GENES 10/19/2011 8:57PM

    A good and busy day! Way to go on fitting that exercise in. Woo hoo!
Chris


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4-1HEALTHYCYNDI 10/19/2011 7:15PM

    Sounds like you made great use of what time you had and didn't let upsets in your routine stop you. WOOHOO!

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THETURTLEBEAR 10/19/2011 5:53PM

    Wow - what a day!

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