Wednesday, September 21, 2011
I am doing the run a 5K for rookies program. Ick. It is hard. I don't like running. Need to run today and I am dreading it. However, it got me thinking. In so many areas of my life, I give up because it is too hard. I wear clothes that are too big because they are comfortable. I pretty much never wear high heels because they hurt my feet. I think about it and I'm kind of amazed at how much I put comfort at the top of my priority list. I don't work out as often as I should because laying on the cough is SO much easier.
But why should everything be easy? Why should everything be comfortable? I need to step out of this box that I have put myself in. Yes, running is hard. I may never enjoy running. I may never be a runner, but damnit I'm going to run this 5K. For once in my life, I am not going to quit, no matter how hard it is. I will keep at it until I get it. I have no health problems. I have no reason to quit. My legs are not going to fall off, nor are my lungs going to explode. Being strong, healthy, and active are more important to me than weight loss. Although, i hope and expect that weight will come off if I run. I want to keep up with my kids. I want to prove to myself that, even though it is hard, I can do it.
Okay, now I have to go out there and do it.
Monday, August 22, 2011
This last week or so has not been good. I just lost my motivation, broke my streaks...sigh. I felt really blue for some reason. And, worse, I just wanted to eat. Even worse, I had no desire to keep myself from eating. I'm ashamed to say that I would look forward to my husband leaving with my son so I could binge without anyone knowing it. I hate that. It makes me feel even worse to be secretive about it like that.
I was thinking it is like I have this monster living inside of me who doesn't want me to lose weight and be healthy. It has been sleeping for a while, but something woke it up and it is mad. It wants to be fed. Seriously, though, there has to be some part of me that truly does not want to lose weight. Why else would I do this to myself? What is it that I'm trying to feed. The most frustrating thing about it all is that it does not make me feel good. Why, oh why, oh why do I do this to myself?
Well, regardless, I am picking myself up, dusting myself off, and getting back on the horse. I will do my best today and take it one bite at a time. I am not going to beat myself up. I am in this to truly change my eating habits and be healthier and that is not going to happen overnight. I have a lifetime of practicing bad eating habits - I have a lot to unlearn! More importantly, this last week or so is not a reason to quit. That would be stupid. I have done well and at worse I have probably gained a pound or two. I can easily come back from that if I start now. But if I tell myself there is no point in trying and really give in to that monster...
Saturday, August 13, 2011
Speaking of fooling myself. Despite best intentions and a well laid plan for yesterday's dinner, I saw my son eating chips and salsa which made me want chips and salsa so bad. So, I decided in all of my infinite wisdom to "treat myself" to some chips and salsa and a chicken quesadilla. Which in and of itself would not have been so bad, but I added to that a cup of milk and 6, count them, 6 oreos which is roughly 320 calories or equal to 2 of my healthy snacks or 1 of my breakfast or lunch meals. Sigh. Okay, I know, I can't have them in the house. I have to do something with them. I think back to all the times I mindlessly devoured an entire package and then wondered why I couldn't lose weight. I guess, if you think about it, in some ways I've won half the battle. Because know I think about those calories. I don't just mindlessly indulge. I know exactly what I'm doing. Its what comes after that really matters.
So I had logged my planned dinner for the day already. Did I change it after my dinner? No. I hadn't fully decided yet, but I thought, eh, why change it? I'll just leave it. What difference does it makes. I know I ate that food and no one else looks at my food log, so who cares. And so I left it that way. This morning my husband had a bout of insomnia and went to Burger King armed with coupons before I even woke up. He came home with a breakfast sandwich for him and for me, 2 orders of french toast sticks, and an order of cinnidippers, or whatever they are called. Ugh. I haven't eaten this much for breakfast in a long time. I can say that I don't like feeling like this at all. I feel sick and gross. I sat down to check my email and felt like a drunk who has bright lights shown in his face when I came across SP. I didn't want to look. Didn't even want to think about it.
Then an article caught my eye about the importance of food logs. Which is amazing, because that is exactly what I needed at exactly that moment. So, I logged my food intake for last night and for this morning. I ate almost 1000 calories for breakfast this morning with not a vegetable in sight and the only "fruit" consisting of my glass of OJ. Kind of pathetic. But seeing it in this light makes me willing to face it - and, more importantly, move on. I'm not going to beat myself up, but I am going to try to adjust the rest of the day in step with what I consumed this morning. Which may just save the day. In the end it doesn't matter whether other people see my food log or not. The food log is for me. To keep me mindful and consistent. Have I mentioned how much I love SP?
Thursday, August 11, 2011
oh Oreos. How can something so delicious be so bad? So packed full of calories. So wonderfully addictive and almost impossible to stop eating. Sigh. If life were fair Oreos would be a vegetable. Life is not fair. Must continue on somehow. I've been doing really well for breakfast/lunch/& snacks now that I see my patterns. Now I'm having issues with after dinner Oreos. I don't know why I think I can handle having them. Why I think I already know so much. If I could handle it and I knew so much why do I have all this weight to lose? I guess its just another way I'm fooling myself.
Tuesday, August 09, 2011
Well, now I'm in stage 2. I'm really glad I started stage 1 over again. It felt kind of silly at the time, but it gave me the chance to start over and reassess. I definitely see patterns that are causing me not to lose weight. The obvious one is that I'm eating too many calories. It has been a stressful couple of weeks, though; I'm not going to beat myself up about it anyway. The day after Lilly's surgery my cousin died. I was not close to him, but I did grow up with him and it is sad, especially for his parents. Of course there is the wake tonight and the funeral tomorrow and school starts next week...
Well, at any rate, I could definitely see that I was doing okay on my meals most of the time, but I was blowing it with my snacks. I'm going to try to log my meals and everything for the day before I actually eat them and it's too late. :) Simple, I know. But that is what I'm going to work on for this next week. Staying within my calorie range is my main goal and also getting my exercise, despite all the craziness.
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