Thursday, September 17, 2009
I am writing this blog today because I don't have a journal or diary or anything and just feel like talking about this with someone else, even if it is just the computer. I have been feeling awful for months now, my stomach is never right and I have been quite sick. I went to a GI specialist who did some bloodwork and on Monday I was diagnosed with Celiac Disease. At first I think I was just really surprised, because I thought that if you had this disease you would know it beyond a doubt. It was the last thing I thought I ever had. I set up another appointment to go in and learn more about what I need to do and began doing research.
It is my fourth day and I have been transitioning over to gluten free, and the fact that certain foods are not allowed for the rest of my life is starting to sink in. Eating out will be nearly impossible, ordering pizza with friends will never happen again, and I am going to have to learn how to cook and bake entirely differently (and much more expensively) than before if I ever want a bit of variety in my diet.
I tried to not be upset about this the first few days. After all, I am trying to learn that it is just food. Food is fuel and should not really be anything more, and there are so many more important things in life. A friend of mine recommended Eat to Live which I plan to take out of the library, because one of the reasons I am heavy is because I live to eat. I tried not to be upset because that really makes me look like a fatty, crying just because I can't have regular pasta or baked goods anymore. But I can't help thinking of all of the Christmases and birthdays in my future in which I'll have to pass on the cake, pasta and desserts. Now, people that I know well know that I don't really even care for cake (I'm more of a pie person...also out now) and I passed on it more often than not but this is different. It is no longer my decision. I do not eat beef or pork, but those limitations do not bother me because I decided not to eat those.
Last night though I was very sad and I cried. I have to admit that I was feeling sorry for myself. As if I'm not already allergic to nuts and carrots and soy, I have to limit my diet even more. And I kept thinking, what if I just have gluten sometimes? But everything I am reading says you must go 100% gluten-free permanently, or else your intestines will never heal. And then I remind myself of the very scary risks associated with not managing Celiac: increased risk of intestinal lymphoma and bowel cancer, malnutrition, and horribly, low infant birth rate and infertility. And then I remember that I have to do this not only for me, but for my husband also.
What kills me, absolutely kills me, is that over the past few weeks, I had been counting my calories well and I had finally decided to really put my health first. I was making a huge effort to eat more fruits and vegetables and include whole grains into my diet. Other than the stomachaches and other nasty symptoms, I was doing great! I have lots 9.4 pounds since the end of April (very slowly, but it's coming off and I'm feeling good about it), and I was really learning to change my eating habits. I was having fruit and veggie smoothies for breakfast, having fruits and veggies plus some other things for lunch, and a balanced dinner full of vegetables. I thought that this was really a turning point for me, learning how to eat right and getting the ultimate nutrients, with the ultimate goals of losing weight, being more healthy and having a healthy pregnancy sometime in the future.
But now I have to start all over again. Am I being punished? I do believe in karma. I have not found any evidence of this in my research, but have my poor eating habits over the past few years caused me to get this disease? I am wondering this and then will hate myself even more. My husband has been very understanding but I feel that I cannot voice all of what I am thinking to him. He is going through a rough time right now because he hates his job and it takes up so much of his free time as well as the regular workweek and I do not want to stress him out more. Last night while I was trying to find a gluten free dinner I hated my life. It's not the first time I've felt that way, but it was the first time I've really contemplated never, in quite some time. Gluten is in almost everything, and is daunting and frustrating to try to find things that are truly-gluten free. And I just thought "this is how the rest of my life is going to be".
Above all, I'm angry with myself. Plenty of people with Celiac live happy, normal lives. And it's just food. This should become my mantra. People centuries ago did not eat food for pleasure, it merely sustained them from day to day. We have lost this mentality as a society.
I tried to tell myself and my husband that maybe this is a blessing in disguise, and will really force me to become a healthier person. That could be true. My stomach has been in distress for months and it would be lovely to not feel so crappy all of the time. I am always anemic even though I take iron pills as a supplement, and have since learned that the bowel irritation resulting from Celiac and eating gluten can prevent absorption of vitamins and minerals, and people with the disease are often anemic. Also a symptom is headaches, which I have had for years and years and no one has ever found a cause other than tension, and thyroid problems. Maybe if I can follow the gluten-free diet these problems will finally ease, and then I imagine that my good health and well-being will make all of the sacrifices worth it. It's hard to even picture that now, though.
It's an adjustment. And never is pretty final. I suppose I'll get used to it and it'll get easier, but I'm pretty bummed about it.
Friday, July 17, 2009
I have been having a so so week but I feel miserable (sorry, all my blogs are negative). I got up this morning and was pretty sick so I've been trying to go easy with the food. I had a rice bowl from cvs which was 250 calories and totally processed but I just wanted something easy on my stomach. I had brought yogurt but the thought of it makes me not feel well.
*sigh* One of my very close friends is due with her baby on August 28th. I am so happy for her but also very jealous and sad. If I wasn't so overweight, my hubby and I would also start trying to have a baby. But, here I am, fat as ever, and I've lost 6 pounds since April. 6! And that was from 3 great weeks and all the rest were crap, either gaining or staying the same. I am soooo discouraged with myself and feel like crying, which will do nothing for me. It's also my time of the month so I feel doubly miserable, emotionally and physically. I don't understand it. I want to add to my life so badly and take the next step of a baby but I'm just not committed enough to lose the weight to do that. I don't get what I'm doing. What is wrong with me??
I see everyone's tickers moving downward but mine is stuck!! I read this great article that Spark sent out earlier in the week about fatitude and then another article yesterday me and my shadow...it's all about taking responsibility for your own actions. I do think that I mostly take responsibility for my own weight and eating habits but how come I still can't stop eating? Why can't I just eat my 22 points a day and be done with it? It's JUST FOOD. Yet when I want something to eat or I'm bored I suddenly don't care. I am so ashamed of myself and so disappointed and most of all I feel like I'm letting my husband down...and myself. I won't have kids at this weight, I just won't. So why can't I buckle down and do this? I have so many great reasons to badly. It is very hard for me to ever picture myself thinner and food is an immediate gratification. What if I do manage to (which I can't even picture) lose the weight and have kids and then I go back to my old habits or can't keep the weight off? Then they'll grow up just like me and I don't want that.
What's also upsetting is that even while I haven't been super strict, I also have not been terrible but I still can't lose the weight. Sometimes I wonder if my thyroid is the reason I have so much trouble. Because regardless, I am eating less calories than ever before even if I use all my points/calories for the week but still nothing is happening. I try not to think that because it's a cop-out and takes the responsibility off of myself and my own control but it is a nagging thought at the back of my mind.
Thursday, June 18, 2009
My husband promised me back in March or April that everytime I hit a certain point on the scale that he would reward me with something nice or special to help me with my motivation issues.. This was when I topped out at 185 pounds. He said that the first reward would be when I hit under 180. Can you believe that I still haven't hit that?? It's been months! This is how I've been flip flopping. My official weigh ins are once a week. I have unofficially been under 180 a few times (one of them being yesterday) but I want to wait until it's my official weigh in to be recorded.
I think this might be the week! I am super psyched about that...if I just reach 179 I'll have lost 6 pounds which is a pretty great feeling. Yesterday I had a bad food evening. My hubby is having a really hard time at work and is very depressed and so after dinner, what did I do? I scooped us out each a small bowl of ice cream. That was dumb, and it also made me not feel well. Then it was followed by a few crackers and cheese. I was digging myself a deeper and deeper hole! But at least I stopped there, whereas in the past I've been known for eating well into the evening. We went for a walk with the dogs and actually I only was over by 11 calories. Not too shabby if I do say so myself.
I like that on Spark here I can see real people who've lost real amounts of weight and it's so inspiring! I felt great in terms of eating for the past few days because the scale has unofficially reflected my efforts and I am excited for when my pants begin to fit me better like they used to. I refuse to buy new ones because then they won't be tight and part of that tightness is motivation to lose weight, even though every time I get marks on my belly from then I feel like less of a person.
At the beginning of the year, I had 5 pregnant friends. Needless to say I caught the baby bug something wicked! Of the 5 women, only 1 of them is still pregnant and the rest have had their children. Whenever I see and hold the babies I really want one, but I haven't seen them much recently so the baby bug has passed, for the most part. We've been married three years and the goal was to try to start a family around this time next year. I would really like to lose some weight first. 40 pounds, but preferably 50 maybe even 60. I am a small person and I shouldn't have all this weight on me. How on earth would I look and feel if I was pregnant on top of all this weight? My knees hurt for a few days after I do jumps on the wii active. I think it's from being so heavy.
Anyway, I am off to actually do some work. Happy almost Friday to anyone out there reading this!
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I am at work but I must admit that I am having a hard time getting things done today. It is finally sunny out after what seems like weeks of clouds and rain with only intermittent breaks of nice weather, and the last thing I feel like doing is sitting in an office without windows.
Alas, this is life for most Americans. At least working is keeping me away from the fridge and cupboards at home. For that, I am grateful! I had a great day yesterday, really devoting myself and giving it my all for the first time in quite some time. I was really hungry and my stomach growled all day, but I stepped on the scale this morning and lost a little bit of weight. I didn't record it because it's not my official weigh in day, and I doubt the progress came from just that one day anyway, but that little number really made a difference in my day. Because I did well yesterday and the scale reflected progress today, I feel great! I feel positive and like food does not control me. Instead, I control when, how much and why I eat. This feeling may be short lived as I have experienced it before, but still it's great! Sometimes this is where I get too confident and stop counting and lose control but since it's only day 2 of any real effort in a long time, the motivation is pretty strong.
I hope to upload some pictures soon of myself at Niagara Falls 2 years ago where I was 24 pounds lighter. It's not a huge difference, and I was still heavy but when I was looking at them the other day, I definitely saw how I've gained a lot of the weight in my face and stomach. I'm not sure what computer I have them loaded on but one of these days I'll get around to it.
Anyway, I just felt like blogging because I feel good! I had corn flakes for breakfast, 1/2 grapefruit, an orange, a peach flavored greek yogurt (GROSS) and a fat free sugar free jello pudding for lunch. On Sunday night I planned yesterday's and today's meals and I think that really helped. One of my big problems was eating something first and then writing it down. When I was successful before it was because I wrote it down before I ate it and then I could decide if I really wanted it. Tonight my goal is to plan my meals for the next two days again. Maybe if I stick with this I'll have some success. I just need that jumpstart to lose a few more pounds and then my pants will fit better and I'll feel confident that I'm making progress. After that it comes quite easily...until it's been a few months and I get tired of it. But, this time is different...this time I am 27 years old and have been married 3 years. I would like to start trying to get pregnant around this time next year and I don't want to do it at this weight! How on earth will I tie my shoes?
I will remind myself that this time is different.
Monday, June 15, 2009
Well, today is Monday and so far, so good being that I start my eating week on Sundays. For lunch, I just ate a small pita pocket with egg salad (1 hard boiled egg and light mayo). It was a little skimpy, but tasty. I also brought 1 cup of grape tomatoes and a cup of grapes. Earlier I was starving and couldn't get to my lunch so I had a fun size snickers bar, but I'm still doing really well provided I stay on track! It's not the best lunch in the world, satisfaction-wise, but it's pretty good in terms of points and healthiness!
I also have a diet nestea lemon iced tea. YUM! However, I took a sip and now I have a headache. I had the beginnings of one before so I'm not sure if it was the caffeine, or the rush of food that brought it on full force. I was shaking when it was lunch time because I was so hungry. My mother told me that this is a precursor to diabetes...this makes me nervous.
At any rate, I am about to run home and make sure my dogs are okay for my lunch break. This could be dangerous and when I am alone I am most tempted. Wish me luck!!
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